Best way to avoid abuse?


#1

I am extremely protective of my son, especially around males. ( Don't even get me started about my funny uncle and my drunken brother -we were both teens ) I can't protect him 24/7 for the rest of his life. So I wondering what are some ways you protect your kid? One time I was at a fast food place, and my son ( 7 at the time ) was in the bathroom. A man, a stranger turned down the hallway towards the bathroom, which was not visible from where I sat. To put it brief and mild, my wife said she had never seen me move so fast. The man stopped outside the door, and told me he thought it best to wait. I'm sure he did, since he must have seen my reaction. any thoughts on all this?


#2

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:223266"]
I am extremely protective of my son, especially around males. ( Don't even get me started about my funny uncle and my drunken brother -we were both teens ) I can't protect him 24/7 for the rest of his life. So I wondering what are some ways you protect your kid? One time I was at a fast food place, and my son ( 7 at the time ) was in the bathroom. A man, a stranger turned down the hallway towards the bathroom, which was not visible from where I sat. To put it brief and mild, my wife said she had never seen me move so fast. The man stopped outside the door, and told me he thought it best to wait. I'm sure he did, since he must have seen my reaction. any thoughts on all this?

[/quote]

I wish I could say 'Egads! You are over reacting!' :eek:

But I don't see that.

I do not have children, but I would take my nephews into the restroom with me. (I'm female) When they were older (4 or 5 years old), I would send them into the stall together while I stood outside. I don't know what else I could have done. I didn't have many other times with public restroom use after those ages I can recall.

At church, one of the girls told me that "He's a pervert". I didn't know what to do. The man lived across the street from me, and I had never heard anything untoward of him, and the girl in question was always in trouble. Still, that doesn't mean she was supposed to be subjected to such things. The girl was about 14 or 15. I told her that if he got near her again (I wasn't there when anything happened), she should get very loud and say, 'I don't want you near me like that!' :mad:

Another problem is that we have to teach our children that they are special, and that others shouldn't touch them in ways they don't like. If it does happen, it is not their fault, and they should be confident that should there be a need to tell on another person, they (the child) won't get into trouble, and their parents won't fault them. :rolleyes:

Abusers, perverts, the whole crock of them will try to use the, 'you don't want your parents to find out because... ' line, so what ever can be that dot dot dot, you need to make sure your kid knows that no matter what, you will protect and support him.

I think that's the best you can do to protect him. And keep your running shoes on any other time. :)


#3

[quote="Apryl, post:2, topic:223266"]
I wish I could say 'Egads! You are over reacting!' :eek:

But I don't see that.

I do not have children, but I would take my nephews into the restroom with me. (I'm female) When they were older (4 or 5 years old), I would send them into the stall together while I stood outside. I don't know what else I could have done. I didn't have many other times with public restroom use after those ages I can recall.

At church, one of the girls told me that "He's a pervert". I didn't know what to do. The man lived across the street from me, and I had never heard anything untoward of him, and the girl in question was always in trouble. Still, that doesn't mean she was supposed to be subjected to such things. The girl was about 14 or 15. I told her that if he got near her again (I wasn't there when anything happened), she should get very loud and say, 'I don't want you near me like that!' :mad:

Another problem is that we have to teach our children that they are special, and that others shouldn't touch them in ways they don't like. If it does happen, it is not their fault, and they should be confident that should there be a need to tell on another person, they (the child) won't get into trouble, and their parents won't fault them. :rolleyes:

Abusers, perverts, the whole crock of them will try to use the, 'you don't want your parents to find out because... ' line, so what ever can be that dot dot dot, you need to make sure your kid knows that no matter what, you will protect and support him.been there, heard that from my 'funny' uncle, at least I think I did. I can't remember much but that it happened. I am guessing whatever he said was part of why I told no one for many years.

I think that's the best you can do to protect him. And keep your running shoes on any other time. :)

[/quote]


#4

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:223266"]
I am extremely protective of my son, especially around males. ( Don't even get me started about my funny uncle and my drunken brother -we were both teens ) I can't protect him 24/7 for the rest of his life. So I wondering what are some ways you protect your kid? One time I was at a fast food place, and my son ( 7 at the time ) was in the bathroom. A man, a stranger turned down the hallway towards the bathroom, which was not visible from where I sat. To put it brief and mild, my wife said she had never seen me move so fast. The man stopped outside the door, and told me he thought it best to wait. I'm sure he did, since he must have seen my reaction. any thoughts on all this?

[/quote]

You have to be proactive. Talk to your son about the subject, establish that he can come to you anytime he feels uncomfortable around a stranger. Buy or pick up literature, dvds, etc about "stranger danger." Help him recognize his "gut" feeling that someone is being inappropriate in their talk and behavior. Put him in some tae kwon do classes or another self defense type class geared for children. Educate yourself as much as possible. Always, always leave the door open though for your son to talk about any person or situation that has made him uncomfortable. Be aware that its not only men that are predators, but women as well and both come in all shapes, all walks of life. Teach him that his body is off limits to anyone touching him if he does not want them to touch him, including well meaning relatives.


#5

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:223266"]
I am extremely protective of my son, especially around males. ( Don't even get me started about my funny uncle and my drunken brother -we were both teens ) I can't protect him 24/7 for the rest of his life. So I wondering what are some ways you protect your kid? One time I was at a fast food place, and my son ( 7 at the time ) was in the bathroom. A man, a stranger turned down the hallway towards the bathroom, which was not visible from where I sat. To put it brief and mild, my wife said she had never seen me move so fast. The man stopped outside the door, and told me he thought it best to wait. I'm sure he did, since he must have seen my reaction. any thoughts on all this?

[/quote]

I like to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, but that does not mean that I must expose my child to risky situations. I used to go to public restrooms with my son at least until he was in middle school. I always volunteered as a chaperon to all the retreats where he went. He learned to trust my judgment about risks without being paranoid. Now he is 14 and he took down a SWAT policeman in his judo sparring and submitted an ex-marine in his jiu-jitsu sparring. If he wants he can break my neck, but my wife is still worried that someone will kidnap our baby. I never bought into the stranger danger story, I always thought the the biggest risk is coming from people close to us.


#6

You might not always be with your son...but remember, his guardian angel is always at his side.


#7

[quote="Battle_Warrior, post:6, topic:223266"]
You might not always be with your son...but remember, his guardian angel is always at his side.

[/quote]

Tell that to Padre Pio that rebuked his guardian angel for not protecting him when he was physically attacked by the devil. :)


#8

You could get him a personal alarm so that if someone were to grab or touch him it would sound the alarm and you would hear it.


#9

I would not allow your son to go to a public bathroom unaccompanied until he is a teen. Just go with him, even if it's inconvenient, unless he has a friend to go with him.

I've always considered to open nature of men's bathrooms, the complete lack of privacy, to be very odd and a potentially bad situation for boys. Why they are this way is beyond me. And in really trashy bathrooms, there are vending machines for all sorts of unsavory things. You don't want any child to see these either. Stay out of truck stop/gas station bathrooms and use the state/interstate highway rest-stops instead.


#10

I would not allow your son to go to a public bathroom unaccompanied until he is a teen. Just go with him, even if it's inconvenient, unless he has a friend to go with him.

This isn't practical in all situations. He can't be with his son every single second... especially when he is 9-12.


#11

[quote="Cupofkindness, post:9, topic:223266"]
I would not allow your son to go to a public bathroom unaccompanied until he is a teen. Just go with him, even if it's inconvenient, unless he has a friend to go with him.

I've always considered to open nature of men's bathrooms, the complete lack of privacy, to be very odd and a potentially bad situation for boys. Why they are this way is beyond me. And in really trashy bathrooms, there are vending machines for all sorts of unsavory things. You don't want any child to see these either. Stay out of truck stop/gas station bathrooms and use the state/interstate highway rest-stops instead.

[/quote]

I think the interstate rest areas are far more dangerous than any truck stop


#12

I understand your concerns, but please be careful that you do not project your fears on to your son, you don't want him to grow up to be a scardy cat, afraid of strangers and afraid to out on his own, unless you are there. Call your local police department and ask if they have programs that teach young children to be aware of strangers and how to avoid and what to do if they get into trouble. You could also sign both of you up for some kind of martial arts training. That will give you an activity you can share and he can learn to defend himself, if you are not there some day.


#13

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:223266"]
...any thoughts on all this?

[/quote]

I have four.

[LIST=1]
*]A few years ago a little girl wandered away from a family gathering and was later found drowned in a ditch by the side of a road not far away. Several days later, a man came forward and admitted he had seen the toddler as he was driving past, but he avoided notifying the authorities because he knew he would automatically come under suspicion and his life would have been ruined. Because today, just coming under suspicion is as good as having been convicted.
*]A colleague of mine had a student who got a bad grade and decided to retaliate by accusing him of improper behavior. Short version: He will never work with children again for the rest of his life.
*]If your son is going to be molested, you are almost certainly going to know the molester personally, probably very well.
*]I hope I never have your son, or so much as see him, or any of your children, in any of my classes, or in my school, or in my neighborhood, or in my town, or in my state.
[/LIST]


#14

Martial arts. Until he's at least a 1st degree black belt. Preferably 2nd degree.

Gun training. Buy one, get ammo, get training and practice. Not that he would shoot a possible molester but it is confidence building.

Be the best example of strong manhood that you can be. He will look to you for an example of what a man is, and what a man does in the world.

Also, talk to him about all of this. It's tough to burst a child's innocence bubble. It happened for me when one of the coaches in my son's middle school was arrested for molestation of the students. Fortunately he was not one of them, but I had to talk to him about all sorts of things I would rather not have discussed at that point.

Be matter-of-fact, not afraid. "There are weird people out there, and this might be something you will encounter. Trust the Holy Spirit, He will never betray you."


#15

[quote="Apollos, post:13, topic:223266"]
I hope I never have your son, or so much as see him, or any of your children, in any of my classes, or in my school, or in my neighborhood, or in my town, or in my state.

[/quote]

Wow..:eek:. that's pretty deep, isn't it?

The guy wanted to ask about protecting his son.... and I think that any parent that doesn't want to protect his child doesn't deserve to be a parent.

I would also bet that you would rather have a classroom filled with this kind of parent to a classroom full of the other type of parent.

I'm not saying that over-protective, 'What are you doing with my kid' types are normal, or safe, or good. That's excessive and extreme.

Your comments, the four items you came up with, could lead a new parent to be more of the not-protective.

Hmm.... I could even go so far as to say a bit of an abuse in the way you posted that. I mean, really... that's the type of thing a bully would say. 'I wouldn't want your kids in my classroom'.... so the poster, and those in his area, wind up saying (if you have your way), 'I won't do that... I don't want to OFFEND him'... and thereby, risking his child.

Gimme a break.

Don't even try it.

:mad::mad::mad:


#16

[quote="Apryl, post:15, topic:223266"]
...that's the type of thing a bully would say...

[/quote]

I didn't create the current climate.


#17

[quote="traillius, post:1, topic:223266"]
I can't protect him 24/7 for the rest of his life.

[/quote]

No you can't. But your son won't be this vulnerable for the rest of his life either. I actually wouldn't have even let my ds in the bathroom alone, unless I was standing at the door. Just a couple of days ago, I took my 9yo ds to the movies, and he accompanied me into the women's restroom.

I will feel more comfortable when I know that he has the spunk and the physical ability to defend himself. Right now I don't think he has enough of either of those to entrust him to the private care of most adults (other than a few trusted ones). I expect that to come in a few years, possibly around the same time as puberty hits?

Certainly, I give him more leeway than I did when he was a few years younger, and I'm sure I will continue to gradually increase the "leash," but I admit to being VERY protective about this issue. I know too much specific information about abuse to be any different.

I am also careful to not scare the dickens out of my kids (I have younger dd's also), although I can't guarantee that they aren't at all scared. I teach them safety rules and we practice scenarios. You have to. But I try to always be matter of fact about it, and now show fear myself. And I think that the fact that I just don't put them in vulnerable situations keeps there from being lots of opportunities for fear to crop up. The fact that we homeschool makes this very natural. The vast majority of social activities that we participate in are family-oriented, so for the most part, it doesn't come up. And because they don't spend 30+hours a week in a more independent scenario (where it would be impossible to provide that kind of supervision), they don't see a dichotomy between "school" and home - so it's not an issue in their mind (which can lead to being more fearful).

There are times when I am enforcing a safety rule that I don't let my kids know what I'm doing. For example, if I am using a stall in a large/noisy public bathroom, I will make my 5yo dd stand right in front of the door where I can see her feet. I don't tell her that it's because I am worried someone might snatch her - she thinks it's because I want to make sure she doesn't get into trouble. But ultimately, there are two goals:
1-to teach them how to be safe in a world where there will always be danger (which in addition to discussing scenarios, I do everything I can to encourage them to trust and listen to their gut feelings and instincts, and to always be confident in saying "no" to things that make them uncomfortable)

and

2-to keep them safe by your own power until they get to the point where they can use what you've taught them on their own.


#18

Seriously? Men in a restaurant aren't allowed to have to go to the bathroom at the same time as your son because that makes them a pervert? That's a bit extreme.


#19

[quote="angelerulastiel, post:18, topic:223266"]
Seriously? Men in a restaurant aren't allowed to have to go to the bathroom at the same time as your son because that makes them a pervert? That's a bit extreme.

[/quote]

Thank you.


#20

[quote="angelerulastiel, post:18, topic:223266"]
Seriously? Men in a restaurant aren't allowed to have to go to the bathroom at the same time as your son because that makes them a pervert? That's a bit extreme.

[/quote]

Saying you don't want a man in the bathroom alone with your ds doesn't make him a pervert. It makes him a stranger, whom you don't know anything about. His mere existence doesn't make him NOT a pervert either. My policy is not to let my vulnerable children alone with adults until I am confident that they are not perverts. The alternative would be to let your children be alone with any adult UNTIL they have proved themselves to be perverts - that's a dangerous little game to play with a kid's safety.

Admittedly, this must have been an awkward situation, and perhaps the OP didn't not do it the perfect way. Given that this is a public bathroom that the other man had a right to enter, I probably would've handled it in one of two ways:

1-I'd have gone in the bathroom with my ds to begin with (or brought him into the women's room with me, since I'm not welcome in men's rooms)

2-the Father could've entered the men's room, along with the stranger, so that the ds wouldn't be alone with him in there.

However, if the man saw my gut reaction and graciously offered to wait a minute until my ds came out, I'd probably say thank you, and be grateful that he understands a Father's concern for his ds's safety, even if I didn't play the situation perfectly from the beginning.


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