Betrayed by my mother and father


#1

Hi,

About ten years ago, my husband and I severed ties with my parents/extended family. They are not Catholic and were disruptive to our family--encouraging/influencing our children to be disobedient and disrespectful to us, etc. They are and have been extremely abusive to me.

I've had an awfully hard time with ...honor your mother and father. We decided that the best way we could do that was by living and raising our kids to the best of our ability, and letting them live their lives in the way they saw fit--separately and with best wishes. They have stalked and harassed us relentlessly for the past ten years.

Anyway, fast forward ten years, they have contacted our teenage daughter in secret. They have successfully turned her away from us and the Church. We have discovered that they have been sending her money, cell phones, and plane tickets, etc. They have been trying to convince her (a minor child-17 & graduated from H.S.) to run away from home; giving her the funding and the support to do so.

Additionally, she has been encouraged from her friend's mother. Our daughter has been receiving mail, money, etc. at their address. This other mother was supposed to be my friend. Our daughter is living at the friend's house now.

Needless to say, we are absolutely devastated. We have been betrayed by extended family and our friends all to our daughter's detriment. I fear my daughter is lost forever, and now I have to protect my other child from her.

Please pray for us. Any advice would be helpful, too.


#2

Sounds like filing criminal charges is in order. These people are stalking you and a minor child.


#3

Nothing can be done…she is less than two weeks away from her 18th. The harassment could never be dealt with because they were not threatening physical violence against us and they were not stepping on our property.


#4

How about a restraining order?


#5

Wow. I thought I had it bad that a close relation was encouraging my son to have sex with his girlfriend and showing him "safe" places to go and park in order to accomplish intercourse as well as buying him condoms.

Your parents are pathological. I would waste no time in teaching your younger children to have no contact at all with them and to report any contact attempted. You have to treat them as the predators they are.

It's stunning that a friend would assist in this betrayal...I guess your parents or your daughter must have told them lies about your family and they thought they were helping. Have you had any contact with that mom since your daughter left your house?

I had a website that discussed what to do when someone else is sheltering a runaway child. I'm not sure I can find it now (that computer crashed) but in essence, it said that you call the parents and tell them that your child MUST be waiting on the doorstep or the police will be called and they will come and remove your child from the home. I would consult with law enforcement and find out if you can charge your parents with anything like contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Get her home, and then file charges if you possibly can.

Move if you need to, change your phone number, get away from these people. Forget about honoring your parents, your parents tore up that card when they started trying to undermine your relationship with your daughter. I'd get a restraining order on them. They are criminals and evil. Treat them as you would any other stalker, that is what they are doing.


#6

[quote="Betrayed, post:3, topic:251497"]
Nothing can be done...she is less than two weeks away from her 18th. The harassment could never be dealt with because they were not threatening physical violence against us and they were not stepping on our property.

[/quote]

That is two weeks that you still have to get her back. Waste no time, call your local law enforcement and find out what you can still do. You can probably report the parents keeping her to CPS, the police, etc. Call them immediately and tell them if they do not surrender your child you will report them and the police will show up. Do not give up on her until you have no other choice, and I think you always have a choice.

I will pray for you and your family, but do not give up! Every day is one more day when you can get your daughter back and start de-programming her. Yes, she could always run away again. There are places you can put her to help with that. Yes, it's expensive but what is she worth to you?


#7

Love your daughter and be kind to her. She will (maybe even "the hard way") come around. Give her time. She will see what kind of people they are. Don't do anything to stoop to their level. You keep taking the higher ground. Try gently to keep communication open with your girl. Don't judge her and try and see things from her perspective.

In the meantime, continue hanging in there. Keep us posted.

I will pray for you.

:hug1:

Cara


#8

Thanks everyone.

The police have already been involved. There simply isn't enough time. The officer told us that if this had happened two years ago then they would be able to do something. Social services doesn't do anything quickly, and by the time they did something the point would be moot.

We told her that we cannot have these people in our life. If she insists on having a relationship with them, then she can't have one with us. I have another child (disabled) to protect. She will discover the truth eventually.

Also, I did also ask her the following questions:

  1. If they really love you, why would they be helping you to lie to your parents?
  2. If they really love you, why would they be encouraging you to leave home?
  3. If they really want what is best for you, why are they not trying to help you have a better relationship with your parents?
  4. If they really have your best interests in mind, why are they telling you things that make you feel bad/sad?

No answer.

All we can do now is pray. I've prayed to the Blessed Mother, and asked her to protect my daughter in my stead.


#9

Well, then, I will add your family to my prayers. It must be very frustrating. I hope your questions to your daughter will penetrate her heart.


#10

You still need to contact a family law lawyer and get a restraining order for your other kids. Chances are if they tried this with the oldest one, they will try again. You need to get one for both the grandparents and the people your daughter is staying with now.

You may not be able to prevent you oldest from straying, but you can protect the younger ones.


#11

I can't add anything more to what has already been said. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. :( You and your children are in my prayers.


#12

[quote="Alix1912, post:10, topic:251497"]
You still need to contact a family law lawyer and get a restraining order for your other kids. Chances are if they tried this with the oldest one, they will try again. You need to get one for both the grandparents and the people your daughter is staying with now.

You may not be able to prevent you oldest from straying, but you can protect the younger ones.

[/quote]

Good idea.


#13

I agree, perhaps the best way to honor your parents is to help them learn the lession that what they are doing is not only morally wrong but illegal.

Are they some type of protestant fundamentalist or just not Christian in turning your daughter from the Church?

Joe


#14

[quote="Betrayed, post:8, topic:251497"]
We told her that we cannot have these people in our life. If she insists on having a relationship with them, then she can't have one with us.

[/quote]

I hope your presentation here is a simplified version and that you put it a bit more softly to her. If she is receiving the message that you are simply prepared to wash your hands of hers if she makes a mistake, she is a goner.

Even if you lose her, she needs to know that you still love her and are willing to have her back if she can learn to respect you and your values.

It must be heartbreaking! Saint Monica pray for us.


#15

It's this sort of thing that reminds me of the statement:

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I have not outlawed the inlaws... because you know what? this is EXACTLY what they would do. they are so self important.

I think I would just regulate the interaction between older child and younger children. But I'd still keep the oldest child in the family. Seriously, your younger children are going to learn that you make a mistake and you're out... That's not a safe environment.

I wouldn't try to control the children so much to the point of this type of secrecy. I've witnessed this over an over again among children I went to school with. Families totally shattered...


#16

Praying for you and your family.

God bless

jesus g


#17

[quote="Betrayed, post:1, topic:251497"]
Hi,

About ten years ago, my husband and I severed ties with my parents/extended family. They are not Catholic and were disruptive to our family--encouraging/influencing our children to be disobedient and disrespectful to us, etc. They are and have been extremely abusive to me.

I've had an awfully hard time with ...honor your mother and father. We decided that the best way we could do that was by living and raising our kids to the best of our ability, and letting them live their lives in the way they saw fit--separately and with best wishes. They have stalked and harassed us relentlessly for the past ten years.

Anyway, fast forward ten years, they have contacted our teenage daughter in secret. They have successfully turned her away from us and the Church. We have discovered that they have been sending her money, cell phones, and plane tickets, etc. They have been trying to convince her (a minor child-17 & graduated from H.S.) to run away from home; giving her the funding and the support to do so.

Additionally, she has been encouraged from her friend's mother. Our daughter has been receiving mail, money, etc. at their address. This other mother was supposed to be my friend. Our daughter is living at the friend's house now.

Needless to say, we are absolutely devastated. We have been betrayed by extended family and our friends all to our daughter's detriment. I fear my daughter is lost forever, and now I have to protect my other child from her.

Please pray for us. Any advice would be helpful, too.

[/quote]

It is so very sad when one has to experience dissent within one's family. In my own way
I feel empathy and compassion towards your ongoing anguish.
So many folks that responded to you are offering some great advice. God Bless you and your's.


#18

We tried to do the "keep your enemies closer" tack. It didn't work. I have PTSD-like a soldier, from what they have done to me over the years. Our daughter has befriended my abusers.

They are part of a Middle East religion that developed out of Islam. They are quite entrenched. Want to talk about using religion as a weapon, these people wrote the book.


#19

[quote="Betrayed, post:18, topic:251497"]
We tried to do the "keep your enemies closer" tack. It didn't work. I have PTSD-like a soldier, from what they have done to me over the years. Our daughter has befriended my abusers.

They are part of a Middle East religion that developed out of Islam. They are quite entrenched. Want to talk about using religion as a weapon, these people wrote the book.

[/quote]

I didn't know any other religions developed out of Islam. Were you part of that religion and converted? You may have said that but I don't think you did. If so then I can well imagine you being terrorized.


#20

[quote="Betrayed, post:18, topic:251497"]
We tried to do the "keep your enemies closer" tack. It didn't work. I have PTSD-like a soldier, from what they have done to me over the years. Our daughter has befriended my abusers.

They are part of a Middle East religion that developed out of Islam. They are quite entrenched. Want to talk about using religion as a weapon, these people wrote the book.

[/quote]

Have you spoken with your daughter about the things your parents did to you, and how they abused you. Ask her how she would feel if you suddenly began sneaking around and being friends with someone who treated her badly. Let her know how deeply your parents hurt you and how her befriending them hurts you as well. If she still refuses to cut off contact let her know that you cannot be a part of her life if she is going to have the people who hurt you in it as well. Let her know that this included cutting her and your parents off from the other children, you must protect the younger children. In your parents case you need to do this LEGALLY so that if they interfere with the younger children you can involve the authorities. Let you daughter know that your door is always open to her when they start to abuse her as they most likely will do, but as long as they are in her life, she cannot be in yours and your childrens.


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