To give some background. My Dad just passed away. I have a very abusive older brother that I cut contact with 8 years ago. I had to go back to my mom’s house and stay in the same house as him for days and the only thing it did was confirm I made the right choice when I axed my brother out of my life.
So, this morning I called my mom and she told me she could not talk because she had to clean the house because my brother was going over because he sold some stuff of my dad’s on the internet and he needed to come get it and mom told him any money he made he could keep.
Well… the fight began. At first I resented that he could keep the money. How come he always gets everything. I will not bore you with all the details but I am sure you can understand it got ugly. To the point my mom told me she couldn’t take my behaviour anymore and if I didn’t shape up, she could no longer have contact with me.
Well… for the first time in my life… and this is humbling… I can see her point of view. Also, now I don’t know how to apollogize without sounding phony. Nor do I feel comfortable making her promises about my future behaviour because I don’t trust I will have the strenght to carry them out.
And the reality is… I am just SO HURT I don’t know where to turn. I know that a lot of my behaviour is fuelled by the scars of the past abuse of my brother. And I also know that it just hurts becasue the only reason my brother is selling my dad’s stuff si because my dad died. And it hurst that my dad died. It hurts to pieces
I can use a rational mind and understand that there are certain behaviours that are not civilized and I should not do them. But on the other hand, I am so full of hurt, anger and pain, all I want to do is explode.
Please pray that God will give me the strenght to carry through