Big Fight with my mom - Please help


#1

To give some background. My Dad just passed away. I have a very abusive older brother that I cut contact with 8 years ago. I had to go back to my mom’s house and stay in the same house as him for days and the only thing it did was confirm I made the right choice when I axed my brother out of my life.

So, this morning I called my mom and she told me she could not talk because she had to clean the house because my brother was going over because he sold some stuff of my dad’s on the internet and he needed to come get it and mom told him any money he made he could keep.

Well… the fight began. At first I resented that he could keep the money. How come he always gets everything. I will not bore you with all the details but I am sure you can understand it got ugly. To the point my mom told me she couldn’t take my behaviour anymore and if I didn’t shape up, she could no longer have contact with me.

Well… for the first time in my life… and this is humbling… I can see her point of view. Also, now I don’t know how to apollogize without sounding phony. Nor do I feel comfortable making her promises about my future behaviour because I don’t trust I will have the strenght to carry them out.

And the reality is… I am just SO HURT I don’t know where to turn. I know that a lot of my behaviour is fuelled by the scars of the past abuse of my brother. And I also know that it just hurts becasue the only reason my brother is selling my dad’s stuff si because my dad died. And it hurst that my dad died. It hurts to pieces

I can use a rational mind and understand that there are certain behaviours that are not civilized and I should not do them. But on the other hand, I am so full of hurt, anger and pain, all I want to do is explode.

Please pray that God will give me the strenght to carry through

CM


#2

Dear CM,

Please know that I am praying for you. You are going through grief over your father's death, and this is never easy. Then you have the issue of your abusive brother and your mother who does not have boundaries with him. Maybe she is afraid of him to some extent?

Although my sister was never abusive toward me, my father was very enmeshed with her for my whole life, and he tried to help her get out of trouble, giving her money, paying off her debts, etc. She was always in some kind of crisis and it seemed our lives revolved around her drama. I was doing the right thing and got no praise for that, and my spirit got jealous and bitter about it. I was the younger sister but fit the older brother of the prodigal exactly.

I had to detach from my father and sister's relationship, and let go of any expectations of fair treatment. I blamed my sister exclusively for a long time, thinking she had taken advantage of my father, but Daddy was a grown man and he just didn't set boundaries with her. He was just as much at fault as she was, and more because he was the adult. Once I recognized that it was BOTH of them who were at fault, I felt some compassion for my sister. I saw that they were tied to each other in ways I was not. And I was grateful that I did not have that kind of relationship with my father. Even though I never got my "fair share" of any inheritance (Daddy was not wealthy, but he could have had savings were it not for my sister's debts), I would not trade any money for my pride in standing on my own. Daddy co-signed for my first car, and paid my car insurance for a few years, and he swapped cars with me once when I still had payments and his was paid for, but other than that, I never asked him for help and he never had to bail me out of anything.

Years later, after Daddy had passed away, God took away any resentment of my sister and gave me His compassion for her instead. She's had a tough life and although my father thought he was helping her, he really kept her a child for a lot of years.

And as far as making amends to your mother, if you have regrets about the conversation, just express that to her, something like, "Mom, I'm sorry I became so angry at you. My behavior was unacceptable and will do my best not to allow that to happen again. I hope you can forgive me." Period. Don't force her to choose between you and your brother, because she might be weak enough to cut you out and that would be a shame for her and for you.

Pray for her. Forgive her, she's weak. And pray for the willingness to forgive your brother also. I know he's abusive and it seems wrong to forgive him, but he's just another broken human being on this earth, leaving aside all the family dynamics. You don't have to even talk to him ever again, but let go of the anger inside you. It's painful for you and less than God wishes for you.

So I'm not sure my story will help you, but do know that I am praying for you. And if you can read this book, it may help you in the future. I was actually reading it the day that God removed my resentment of my sister. I saw that she had made choices in her life, and that I had made different choices, and I was not a victim of her choices.

Boundaries


#3

Hi cmscms, people pray to Our Holy Mother for help, we can pray to Saints, we can also pray to deceased relatives. I suggest you pray to your dad for help and healing. Try to forget the items your brother is liquidating on the internet, but you might want to grab a few things that are specifically memorable to have and hold onto.

I previously had no idea that we could pray to deceased relatives, but was swung over while listening to recordings by a Blind Catholic Priest; Father Patrick Martin. He has a website that contains several of his recordings. One recording details the amazing things that happened via praying to his deceased father for help and guidance. It’s been some years, but I think the recording might have been “The Rosary In My Broken Life”. I found these recordings to be very inspirational.

awildcanary.com/library.html
You are in our prayers and God Bless.


#4

[quote="Insight, post:3, topic:241943"]
Hi cmscms, people pray to Our Holy Mother for help, we can pray to Saints, we can also pray to deceased relatives. I suggest you pray to your dad for help and healing. Try to forget the items your brother is liquidating on the internet, but you might want to grab a few things that are specifically memorable to have and hold onto.

I previously had no idea that we could pray to deceased relatives, but was swung over while listening to recordings by a Blind Catholic Priest; Father Patrick Martin. He has a website that contains several of his recordings. One recording details the amazing things that happened via praying to his deceased father for help and guidance. It’s been some years, but I think the recording might have been “The Rosary In My Broken Life”. I found these recordings to be very inspirational.

awildcanary.com/library.html
You are in our prayers and God Bless.

[/quote]

With all due respect, we are not praying TO saints or deceased relations, we are asking for their intercession TO Jesus on our behalf. We are not supposed to be worshiping anyone but Jesus and this is one of the mistakes that many non-Catholics make, so please don't spread this myth.


#5

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:4, topic:241943"]
With all due respect, we are not praying TO saints or deceased relations, we are asking for their intercession TO Jesus on our behalf. We are not supposed to be worshiping anyone but Jesus and this is one of the mistakes that many non-Catholics make, so please don't spread this myth.

[/quote]

Prayer and worship are not the same. Prayer is a form of communication.

God Bless


#6

[quote="Insight, post:5, topic:241943"]
Prayer and worship are not the same. Prayer is a form of communication.

God Bless

[/quote]

No kidding. I already know that. But we are not praying TO the saints nor any deceased relatives. Nor Mary, for that matter.


#7

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:6, topic:241943"]
No kidding. I already know that. But we are not praying TO the saints nor any deceased relatives. Nor Mary, for that matter.

[/quote]

Maybe this can help clarify:

catholic.com/library/Praying_to_the_Saints.asp

God Bless


#8

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:6, topic:241943"]
No kidding. I already know that. But we are not praying TO the saints nor any deceased relatives. Nor Mary, for that matter.

[/quote]

We do pray TO them. We pray to them to ask for their intercession. When prayers are answered, its not THEM granting our favors, but God.


#9

[quote="Arlene, post:8, topic:241943"]
We do pray TO them. We pray to them to ask for their intercession. When prayers are answered, its not THEM granting our favors, but God.

[/quote]

Thanks.


#10

[quote="Insight, post:7, topic:241943"]
Maybe this can help clarify:

catholic.com/library/Praying_to_the_Saints.asp

God Bless

[/quote]

If I ask my friend to pray for me, am I praying TO my friend?


#11

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:10, topic:241943"]
If I ask my friend to pray for me, am I praying TO my friend?

[/quote]

Generally when one prays, it is a communication with God, the Mother of God, Archangels, Guardian Angels, Saints, deceased, etc.

NewAdvent.org/Cathen/12345b.htm

To Whom May We Pray:

"Although God the Father is mentioned in this prayer as the one to whom we are to pray, it is not out of place to address our prayers to the other Divine persons. The special appeal to one does not exclude the others. More commonly the Father is addressed in the beginning of the prayers of the Church, though they close with the invocation, "Through Our Lord Jesus Christ Thy Son who with Thee liveth and reigneth in the unity of the Holy Ghost, world without end". If the prayer be addressed to God the Son, the conclusion is: "Who livest and reignest with God the Father in the unity of the Holy Ghost, God, world without end"; or, "Who with Thee liveth and reigneth in the unity, etc.". Prayer may be addressed to Christ as Man, because He is a Divine Person, not however to His human nature as such, precisely because prayer must always be addressed to a person, never to something impersonal or in the abstract. An appeal to anything impersonal, as for instance to the Heart, the Wounds, the Cross of Christ, must be taken figuratively as intended for Christ Himself."

God Bless


#12

[quote="Insight, post:11, topic:241943"]
Generally when one prays, it is a communication with God, the Mother of God, Archangels, Guardian Angels, Saints, deceased, etc.

NewAdvent.org/Cathen/12345b.htm

To Whom May We Pray:

"Although God the Father is mentioned in this prayer as the one to whom we are to pray, it is not out of place to address our prayers to the other Divine persons. The special appeal to one does not exclude the others. More commonly the Father is addressed in the beginning of the prayers of the Church, though they close with the invocation, "Through Our Lord Jesus Christ Thy Son who with Thee liveth and reigneth in the unity of the Holy Ghost, world without end". If the prayer be addressed to God the Son, the conclusion is: "Who livest and reignest with God the Father in the unity of the Holy Ghost, God, world without end"; or, "Who with Thee liveth and reigneth in the unity, etc.". Prayer may be addressed to Christ as Man, because He is a Divine Person, not however to His human nature as such, precisely because prayer must always be addressed to a person, never to something impersonal or in the abstract. An appeal to anything impersonal, as for instance to the Heart, the Wounds, the Cross of Christ, must be taken figuratively as intended for Christ Himself."

God Bless

[/quote]

Your illustrations are not proving what you think they are proving. That paragraph speaks of DIVINE persons, which would be God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. I do not believe a deceased relative qualifies as DIVINE.

I am not going to argue with you in this thread any more, because it is OT for the OP.


#13

Hi TheRealJuliane, this thread may help clear some things up for you:

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=566265

God Bless


#14

Back on topic.

You are very hurt and sad because of the lost of your dad. We are not always on our best behavior when we are mourning. You mom just lost her husband. This is also an extremely difficult time for her too.

My advice would be to apologize and try to avoid discussing your brother with her. Even though you may be right and your brother wrong, he is still her son. Mothers are very protective of their children and we don’t always see their faults.

I hope you and your mom can forgive and move on. A daughter needs her mom and a mom needs her daughter. I will pray for you.


#15

[quote="Insight, post:3, topic:241943"]
Hi cmscms, people pray to Our Holy Mother for help, we can pray to Saints, we can also pray to deceased relatives. I suggest you pray to your dad for help and healing. Try to forget the items your brother is liquidating on the internet, but you might want to grab a few things that are specifically memorable to have and hold onto.

I previously had no idea that we could pray to deceased relatives, but was swung over while listening to recordings by a Blind Catholic Priest; Father Patrick Martin. He has a website that contains several of his recordings. One recording details the amazing things that happened via praying to his deceased father for help and guidance. It’s been some years, but I think the recording might have been “The Rosary In My Broken Life”. I found these recordings to be very inspirational.

awildcanary.com/library.html
You are in our prayers and God Bless.

[/quote]

wow what kind of amazing things?


#16

[quote="crystal_waters, post:15, topic:241943"]
wow what kind of amazing things?

[/quote]

For example, in one of the recordings he describes how several Priests and Brothers went to the beach. They were in the water and the waves were a little rough. One elderly Brother lost his footing and dropped his eye glasses into the water, and they all began to look for them. Father Patrick Martin felt bad that he could not look for the glasses because he’s blind. He felt like a child because they had to keep someone next to him, to baby-sit him wading in the water. When it seemed hopeless, that there was no way they were going to find the glasses, Father Patrick Martin said a little prayer out-loud to his dad, asking him to help find the glasses. At the moment he said the last word of the prayer, the water pushed the glasses up against his foot. He picked them up and said “It figures that the blind guy is the one who finds the glasses”.

God Bless


#17

Why don't you start another thread about praying to dead relatives and getting amazing results, seeing that this has gone way OT for the OP...:rolleyes:


#18

Perhaps a small suggestion, from someone who knows how hard it is to deal with difficult people - make your brother your special intention. Pray specifically for his salvation and offer to God any hurt that you suffer because of him, for his own salvation, and perhaps for his conversion. In my experience, this is a very hard thing to do when you are in the midst of the hurt, but if you can manage it, it will make you stronger in the long run, and it can only help your brother.

Trust in God that he can save your brother, even if he never changes in this life, and is always selfish or nasty. I firmly believe that if you try and love the people who most upset you, you gain great graces for them and for yourself.

Another thing - my Mum told me that she used to go to sleep at night and imagine that her head was resting in Jesus’ lap. It gave her great comfort to imagine that she was being cuddled by Him. I was also told that if you hold your rosary beads in your hand, it is as if you are holding Mary’s hand. Another comforting thought.


#19

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:17, topic:241943"]
Why don't you start another thread about praying to dead relatives and getting amazing results, seeing that this has gone way OT for the OP...:rolleyes:

[/quote]

You asked, I only answered your question.

God Bless


closed #20

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