Bitter about singlehood


Yes, I am fully aware of the countless multitude of single Catholics here at CAF who are in the same situation. However, I have several specific issues that are making it much more difficult for me to even start looking for anyone. Furthermore, I have no money to invest in online singles’ groups, as I am struggling to find work and attend college classes. My parish has no singles’ group…not that any singles’ group would welcome someone like myself with open arms.

To give the reader a trifle more insight into the sort of the person I am, please read these links:

Having said this…I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not. I am the sort of person who can sit with a group of male friends and be ‘one of the guys’. Honestly, nothing makes me happier than being able to be myself. Please do not tell me to ‘try being in touch with my feminine self’ or suggest that if I wore dresses/cosmetics I would be more “pleasing”…that is the complete antithesis of who I am.

Thank you in advance.


You are a completely unique individual. Do you know you reflect the personhood of God in a way we cannot understand? You, like God, have characteristics of both male and female in the same person. You have the urge to be a mother and nurture life, but also have insight into the male psyche that so many of us women lack. (If I am reading your posts correctly.) That makes you a unique friend who can help and give insight to both men and women. Your problem, my dear, is you are still so young. The little boys your age do not appreciate you. Do not change. Do not grow bitter. Someone who wants a deep friendship with his wife and a relationship like you have with your guy friends will come along and appreciate you someday. I have to say you might find more luck in larger cities.

Your crosses are both hidden and apparent. But you have a strong faith that would be the envy of many. And you will be able to reach out to people the rest of the world passes by and help many. I don’t think you were put here to be given things. I think you were put here to give to others in a way you don’t yet understand. In a short life you have endured many things that people twice your age haven’t. And you have survived. You are a very powerful young woman. I hope you learn to harness that power and use it for good. Because you have a perspective on humanity few ever will. God bless you. And be patient for the MAN who will come along and love you. Don’t put yourself on a timetable. Now is YOUR time to devote to YOU. The rest will come when you are ready.


You have got a lot going on. I consider myself an “old goth girl” from “way back” myself. :smiley: And I miss being able to dress the way I used to. I’m too old now (at the ripe old age of 40. LOL) Were I your age I’d want to be hanging out with you! I’m a nerd myself and did not have interests in the “girly” things when I was young (this was in the 80’s and 90’s). I played with lego, cars, and if we could have afforded it, I’d have been on the computer. (Infact, I was the youngest person at my library to have a “computer use” sticker on my library card back in the early 80’s! It was an old IBM 8088. I am now a computer programmer. :nerd:)

Specifically related to this thread: I know when someone is feeling lonely things can feel like a relationship may never happen. I used to be angry with God. If he made Eve as a helper for Adam, where was MY Adam that I could help???

Just from reading your post on this thread (and I did read your two other links) I would like to suggest putting the worries about finding a relationship aside for now. Just from what I’ve read, you’re not ready. (But then again, you may be ready, I don’t know you other than from what I’ve read.)

It looks like you need to finish school first and be on your way to supporting yourself. Then there are the other things going on in your life that you need to have worked out. Confusion is not a good place to start a relationship. I know that for me I didn’t “find” someone until I had my life straightened out and there was … uhm … “space” for one.

I know it can be lonesome. I didn’t get into my relationship until I was 35. I prayed to God to find someone for me. And the guy I’m with prayed to God to put someone in his life. And here we are.

Pray. Keep your eyes on Christ and trust in God that he will lead someone to you when you’re ready. Also, pray that if it were God’s will, to put someone in your life. Be prepared to submit to his will tho’. His answer may be “No.” or “Not now.” I suspect that answer is “Not now.” :wink:


Isnt singlehood awsome! you have more time to give THANKS. heres the problem I see, your complainning just way too much. I understand your position Iv been there myself, but just at this one point (now some points ago in the past) I figured some people are just not made for relationships. Now I must admite there is a certain person whom I care about and would enjoy exploring a relationship with, however in all reality this may not be possible. I can honestly say I am not just waiting for something to happen so I plan on making an attempt. maybe thats the problem? your attempt. stop waiting and make one already. if its with a friend, well just tell them and if they go awol, it’s their failure as a friend and pure panic due to being thrown a curve ball. so explain it nice and slow. we guys are slow. other than that, the more you work up about it the worst it gets. just look at the moments you have now and enjoy them! strengthen your friendships and maybe explore the town to make some new ones. FRIENDSHIPS I say though.

any questions?:confused:


I’ve struggled with my single state ever since my divorced back in 1987. I’m still struggling with it, and trying to wait on God. Any successful relationship I might have will have to come through His power. He may be asking me to remain single, or someday I might get married. Either way, I pray for His strength to get through each day.


You are quite a package. I must compliment you on your pledge of abstinance until marriage - that is such an enormously important good decision. I must say you certainly have some requirements but I wonder if those requirements, in a way, are to keep you from entering a relationship? I’m not a pyschologist, just a CPA - imagine that - you’re getting love advice from a CPA - would that be considered cool by a Goth?
You have energy, spunk, life and faith. If you are called to marriage - and most of us are - you will meet the man - when? only One knows for sure. Keep up your good attitude, keep up your faith. Things come in due time.


I could spend a good chunk of time dissecting everything that is theologically wrong with this insulting post, but suffuce it to say that I’m glad the Greek widows in Acts did not have to deal with you when they were seeking their fair share of the distributions.


please do expand, since I do not speak Greek…
Parlo l’italiano, ma poco… capisce?

anyways I hope none of it was insulting, when some people are just not ment for relationships. I truly see that as true (as I mean girlfriend/boyfirend) especialy when the state in being a boyfriend or girlfriend ultimately means your testing a relationship for marriage. if your not, well than whats the point…attraction maybe?

and yes perhaps the complainning is way too much, or just enough. when complainning never gets us anywhere exept further into a form of depression. I’v noticed that out of myself along with others(especialy kids) when you are upset and start to complain such conditions to be unfair, you’ll drag yourself deeper into that state of sadness. my choice of words may seem harsh (if that is the problem), but that is just my character and why not stick to it?

most people tend to wish someone to sweep them off their feet. instead of actually meeting people, making ‘advances’ a person is stuck sitting and waiting. DON’T sit and wait, be active. I mintioned meeting people merely as friends because thats the best quality in a relationship…the friendship. just meeting random people and rush straight into dating is not always the best idea. it may have worked a little in high school, but guess what. you want to know the ideals of someone before a date alone. get to know who they are instead of reacting purely on attraction/infatuation. besides that focusing more on friendships may allow anyone to becoming better in relationships in general.

so in the above explaination towards a previous post, dont mind the grammar to much, I may have misspelled as well, but please don’t judge so harshly on the little things. and say what you want to say.


I am not “waiting for someone to sweep me off of my feet” nor am I so delusional as to think that having a boyfriend will solve all of my problems…I am fully aware that there are people who are dealing with far worse. I do have many friends, the problem is that there is no male who is comfortable with my particular situations enough to date me at this time. I’ve had plenty of offers from non-Catholics and even two instances where a man who identified as gay asked me out! So, it’s not a matter of lack of quantity, it’s a lack of quality that I find infuriating. I am a virgin, I’m Goth, I’m moral…I’m brutally honest. All I ask for is the same from a guy.


Singing to the choir with me!

You said what I said in my post. “there is no male who is comfortable with my particular situations enough to date me at this time.”

Stick to your principles. Don’t sell out. I have. And while I don’t regret my life, I can honestly say that sticking to your principles and your values is worth more than any relationship. You’re absolutely correct in that quality is very difficult to find.

Pray to God. Ask Him to find someone for you, to place the man He feels is right for you. It wasn’t until Idid that that I FINALLY met someone. Trust God.


I am over 60 and in the same position you are – have been so all my life, and haven’t had a date in 25 years. Nothing I have ever tried has worked. I have come to the conclusion (long ago) that God simply has other plans for me. Maybe He does for you too.

I have four sisters who have had 8 marriages among them. None of them are any happier than I am; they “settled” because they couldn’t stand the thought of being without a man, regardless of what kind of man he happened to be; and when they married said man, they tried to turn him into the kind they had been looking for, and failed, and went on to the next man in line.

There are far, far worse things in the world than being single. One of them is camping in your own life, never having anything nice or visiting faraway places with strange sounding names, or volunteering or learning anything new, because you are “waiting for all that until I’m married”. Women of my generation frequently lived with odds and ends and scraps and leftovers in hopes that “when I marry, I will have Showers and people will give me nice things.” Or they made and bought nice things and stowed them away to be brought out and used “when I am married.” Heck, I know women who never even bought a ring for themselves lest they contaminate that pristine finger they were saving for the wedding ring they never got.

The one thing that is worse than all the rest, though, is stewing and brooding and allowing yourself to become jealous, envious and angry because other “less deserving” people have what you want.

God gave you talents, abilities and the intelligence to build yourself a happy life. He didn’t expect you to bury them in the ground and sit on the grave pining for a man. Get out there and live your life and make yourself a home, and who knows – you may attract a man who says, “There’s a happy woman who has a comfortable life, and we could be happy together!”

Good luck to you and God strengthen you for the life He wants for you.


Perhaps pray that God will remove the bitterness. Bitter turns people away. We should strive to reflect the love of Jesus to the world.

Foster love and compassion, foster gentleness and humility.

Work on becoming the light of the world!


God gave you talents, abilities and the intelligence to build yourself a happy life. He didn’t expect you to bury them in the ground and sit on the grave pining for a man.

I’m in awe of how perfectly this was stated! :thumbsup:


I have been a spinster for a long time, and after asking God all the questions, eventually I did see the pattern. Its kind of like going through the Kubler-Ross steps of grief, especially when you are young and you tend to act like a baby and throw everything on the floor that you are offered and keep on crying because it isnt what you want. Eventually you do pick up that God is just going to stand by until you get hold of yourself and listen to His answers to your questions.


oh I see. still the same may apply. have patience, and demonstrate your frustrate…declare to the world your frustration…you can’t find a decent person. maybe then some will realize their ignorance? unlike some other posts, I do not know how you act towards these people that you view as unworthy, but keep that attitude, I like it. why should you date some cheap, ugly person who can’t even understand how they hurt themselve as they would hurt you:thumbsup:


Hi - I read the way you describe yourself. you sound like a very interesting and unique individual. But you come across as very defensive of who you are. I’m guessing that is because you don’t fit the “standard” devout Catholic archetype, nor the rebellious “goth”. That’s great! You say you are comfortable with who you are, but that doesn’t mean that everyone have to present every detail about who you are and what you expect others to be, right off the bat. You could be away people from whom you may learn a lot, just because they don’t fit your pre-determined standards.

For instance, you say you won’t even consider dating a non-virgin. I find that harsh and unforgiving. I am 29 and I have been celibate for 6 years. I made mistakes in the past but I am truly committed to abstinence until marriage, whether or not this ever happens. I have acted in ways in which I have since repented (and been told that God has forgiven me!) There are medical procedures that can rule out any health risks to future partners, so to me this comes off as unnecessarily judgmental.

As much as you would like people to be open to the unique person you are, you owe others the same concession. I can’t guarantee you will be attracted to them (or them to you), but it can’t hurt to show a little vulnerability.


I’m very happy you have decided to rededicate yourself to a chaste life. That is a very noble and praiseworthy thing. However, to say that I need to lower my standards for the sake of someone who did not have the same same moral integrity is ludicrous. I would hate to be someone’s "second’ or ‘third’, just as I would not want my future husband to be my ‘second’ or ‘third’.

The reason I ‘present every detail’ about myself is to be honest! I do not want to lie or downplay who I am --physically, psychological, spiritually–for the sake of making someone else more at ease. It would be unfair and shallow of me. Furthermore, nothing would be more awkward than a ‘surprise’ on the wedding night. I would be so humiliated and ashamed, not to mention feeling sorry for my poor husband!

I don’t look like most women, to put it very bluntly. People outside of the medical profession are not often taught about those who have anatomy which is different from the so-called standard. It would be a sin–yes, a sin–to withold this information from my intended spouse. How would you feel if your spouse had witheld it from you? Would you not feel deep distress over the fact that they were too frightened to come to you, whom they should trust? Would you not wish they had told you from the very start and spared you both agony?


First of all, I didn’t say to “lower” your standards, but you seemed to interpret it that way. Please let me explain what I meant. Most people develop their moral integrity over the course of their entire lives, and people make mistakes and errors in judgments in the process. Look at the saints, ie, St. Augustine. Have you read his Confessions? He would agree that he was not proud of who he was, but God used him for good in the end. We all strengthen our moral standards in different ways, only to consider that everyone has a unique way that God’s brings us under his grace. Anthony De Mello, SJ, put it nicely: “Be grateful for your sins. They are carriers of grace.”

I agree that you should be very forthright about your gender identity with any potential spouse but that was not what I was referring to. I am not begrudging you for your honesty at all, and in general, this will undoubtedly attract a potential “suitor” to whom you are more likely to be attracted as well. I just mean to be sure to listen rather than just speak.
As the title of your post states, you are coming across as very bitter, and I can understand that this is very painful for you. My heart goes out to you. I can’t remember where I heard this quote, but I believe it was that as Christians we should seek to understand, rather than to be understood.

I am sorry you haven’t found anyone special, but this may sound trite, but I’m sure that when you do, he will love you just the way you are. I don’t mean that you should change who you are in any way, only to have your eyes open enough that you don’t miss him. Sometimes the most important people in our lives come in very unlikely packages!




You are not harsh nor unforgiving for wanting to be equally yoked to a fellow virgin; whether it is due to compatibility/shared experiences or not wanting to be “shortchanged”, you’ve EARNED it. Any fornaicator who would give you grief over that lost any right to give you grief the second he “dropped trou”.

You are in a very unique situation. I can relate to the “survivor” aspect, as I also experienced parental loss early. I admit I am not into the whole “Goth” scene, and I don’t know how many other Catholic males are, and if they are how many of them are virgins. I am one of those that will echo that it will be extremely difficult to find a virgin Catholic male into the Goth scene, and if there are some here on CAF by all means try to establish communication with them; however, it is my opinion that you may need to give a bit on the Goth requirement (rather than the faith/morals standards you have), and maybe ask simply that he respect your interests.

However, one thing you posted in one of the other threads you linked to is disturbing:

I admit that I do not understand hermaphroditism (sp?), but pumping your body full of stuff that is unnatural for you to gain an “edge” rather than for true medical reasons just seems dangerous to me. You’ve survived a lot in life; PLEASE do not do something dangerous and risky like that.


I have to corredct you bluntly: that’s a bunch of hogwash. We’re supposed to be contrite over our sins, not be grateful for them. Besides, I am suspicious of any quote by de Mello, considering the Vatican condemned some of the ideas he promoted:

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