Bitterness


#1

I don’t know if this is in the right place, and it can be moved it if needed.

I feel like I’ve been sold a bill of goods. A little over 10 years ago, I fianlly started taking my Catholic faith very seriously. At that time, I gave it all to God. I told Him I would take any direction He wanted me to and whatever vocation in life I should strive to attain; and I asked for a good, clear sign to make sure it wasn’t just my will but His. I was ready to be a nun or single and celibate the rest of my life if He thought that would be best for me. I willing to marry if that’s what he wanted, but I had a list of traits I wanted in a man (such as devout Catholic, family-oriented, hard working, etc.).

Although I was secretly hoping for the convent to be my vocation, a few months later I met the man who would become my husband. While we dated, we talked about what kind of family life we wanted and how many children we hoped for. We talked about adopting if we couldn’t have children of our own because of our age. Marrying my husband was something I could wholeheartedly agree to. Now that we’ve been married 4 years, there’s not much ‘intimacy’ in our intimate life, and we don’t have very good communication because DH doesn’t see the need to talk anymore. We’ve been to Retrouvaille, but he refuses to do the ‘homework’. I have miscarried three times and DH refuses to talk about adoption, and I feel like the reason we are bearing such ‘bad fruit’ is because there’s so much wrong with our ‘tree’. I am disappointed in how our marriage is going as well as my husband’s attitude that he doesn’t seem to want to work to improve our marriage. I resent the fact that I keep miscarrying and we have no money to find out why (our insurance doesn’t cover this) and DH doesn’t seem to care about doing even the simplest (Catholic-friendly) tests to find out if there is a problem.

Most of all, I have become rather bitter towards God because it seems He led me to this vocation of marriage, which is a miserable existence. It takes me a lot of planning and effort to get pregnant, which just ends in miscarriage, when women all around me are getting pregnant while they are single, after getting their IUD out, etc. I’m to the point that I don’t want to go to Mass, won’t receive the Eucharist if I do go, and have stopped praying except to tell God how much I hate my life.

I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice, consolation, a listening ear, prayer or what. . . . :imsorry:


#2

Ma’am,

It sounds like it’s really tough for you right now. First off, I’ll pray for you. Second, have you spoken to mental health counselor?

Praying…


#3

[quote="Catholic_Wife, post:1, topic:196152"]

I don't even know if I'm asking for advice, consolation, a listening ear, prayer or what. . . . :imsorry:

[/quote]

And I'm not sure if I have any advice or consolation or anything.

But I suspect a lot of us here have struggled to do something, and we were sure it was God's will......and then, BOOM, it seems to blow up in our face.

Does that mean it wasn't God's will?

I don't know.

I think......I think, sometimes, when we try really hard to follow God's will, we assume that things will get better, our lives will improve, and everything will work out. And it's very hard to see that it, in fact, doesn't. And we tend to get bitter, feeling like God has led us into a desert or something.

(But then, I think that God's own Son followed His will, and ended up nailed to a cross, so I don't know why I would expect things to go well in my own life.) :o

If this is God's will, then perhaps the reason will become clear sooner or later. If not, then that should become clear at some point too.

(I don't know if any of that made sense.....but at least know that other people struggle with these feelings too. You're not the only one!!) :console:


#4

You have my prayers.

I’ve been in a position where I hated my life, too, and actually told God I hated Him.

Regarding your vocation, it’s difficult to say if marriage to your husband is where God wanted you or not. It may have seemed right, yet as humans, we can be easily fooled. But remember that vocations can be a challenge, and sometimes, if we truly desire to grow in Him, He takes us down very difficult paths.

I, too, was in a place where prayer was difficult and Mass was difficult. I left early in Mass once because the song was all about God’s love, and I couldn’t handle it because I felt that in no way did God love me or a number of other people. I rarely prayed after awhile.

It took a long time for me to grow, way too long, but I can say that I’d never have with God what I do now without that time.

I’d suggest continuing your communication with God, and to find a spiritual director who “gets it” with you. I didn’t do that second part, but suspect it might’ve made life a little easier.

And know that even bitterness can eventually bear fruit if you will allow it. I suspect you not only would allow, but also strongly desire it.

I pray that one day you will look back and find this difficult time to be a blessing.


#5

[quote="TraderTif, post:3, topic:196152"]
And I'm not sure if I have any advice or consolation or anything.

But I suspect a lot of us here have struggled to do something, and we were sure it was God's will......and then, BOOM, it seems to blow up in our face.

Does that mean it wasn't God's will?

I don't know.

I think......I think, sometimes, when we try really hard to follow God's will, we assume that things will get better, our lives will improve, and everything will work out. And it's very hard to see that it, in fact, doesn't. And we tend to get bitter, feeling like God has led us into a desert or something.

(But then, I think that God's own Son followed His will, and ended up nailed to a cross, so I don't know why I would expect things to go well in my own life.) :o

If this is God's will, then perhaps the reason will become clear sooner or later. If not, then that should become clear at some point too.

(I don't know if any of that made sense.....but at least know that other people struggle with these feelings too. You're not the only one!!) :console:

[/quote]

How perceptive.

sending prayers!


#6

It seems you are not happy. God wants us to be happy. As a matter of fact, He gave us everything that we need in order to be happy. Many of us do not realize that happiness comes from within. Spouses, careers, children, etc., do not bring happiness. It should be obvious, but it is not. I think about Tiger Woods. He seemed to have everything that anyone needs to be happy. I doubt that he was happy. We are brainwashed into thinking that outside things bring happiness.

Using the gifts that God gave us, to the best of our abilities, is the only way to happiness.:slight_smile:


#7

I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you were hoping to :( this must be very painful for you :hug1: I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to say that God does love you, so much. Sometimes He allows us crosses to carry, other times things just don't work out, and other times we don't discern properly. Whatever the case may be, God still loves you dearly and wants you to talk to Him, to receive Him in the Eucharist.. He wants to be with you during this time, to strengthen you. Try to trust Him and don't run away from Him :) I've been trying to run away for two weeks, due to my distrust in God's love, and yesterday He showed me that He is so kind and gentle and merciful, and whenever we turn away from Him or distrust Him, that's based on misunderstanding. But even then, He loves us. Prayers for you.. God bless


#8

Made perfect sense.

Prayers going out to the op.


#9

[quote="Catholic_Wife, post:1, topic:196152"]

I don't know if this is in the right place, and it can be moved it if needed.

I feel like I've been sold a bill of goods. A little over 10 years ago, I fianlly started taking my Catholic faith very seriously. At that time, I gave it all to God. I told Him I would take any direction He wanted me to and whatever vocation in life I should strive to attain; and I asked for a good, clear sign to make sure it wasn't just my will but His. I was ready to be a nun or single and celibate the rest of my life if He thought that would be best for me. I willing to marry if that's what he wanted, but I had a list of traits I wanted in a man (such as devout Catholic, family-oriented, hard working, etc.).

Although I was secretly hoping for the convent to be my vocation, a few months later I met the man who would become my husband. While we dated, we talked about what kind of family life we wanted and how many children we hoped for. We talked about adopting if we couldn't have children of our own because of our age. Marrying my husband was something I could wholeheartedly agree to. Now that we've been married 4 years, there's not much 'intimacy' in our intimate life, and we don't have very good communication because DH doesn't see the need to talk anymore. We've been to Retrouvaille, but he refuses to do the 'homework'. I have miscarried three times and DH refuses to talk about adoption, and I feel like the reason we are bearing such 'bad fruit' is because there's so much wrong with our 'tree'. I am disappointed in how our marriage is going as well as my husband's attitude that he doesn't seem to want to work to improve our marriage. I resent the fact that I keep miscarrying and we have no money to find out why (our insurance doesn't cover this) and DH doesn't seem to care about doing even the simplest (Catholic-friendly) tests to find out if there is a problem.

Most of all, I have become rather bitter towards God because it seems He led me to this vocation of marriage, which is a miserable existence. It takes me a lot of planning and effort to get pregnant, which just ends in miscarriage, when women all around me are getting pregnant while they are single, after getting their IUD out, etc. I'm to the point that I don't want to go to Mass, won't receive the Eucharist if I do go, and have stopped praying except to tell God how much I hate my life.

I don't even know if I'm asking for advice, consolation, a listening ear, prayer or what. . . . :imsorry:

[/quote]

Oh sweetie :hug1: I can't relate to everything that you are going through, but my heart goes out to you.

Hubby and I can't have kids (at least, not yet....) and I know exactly how you feel about watching other women get pregnant right off the bat, even singles. It sucks, and it can make you feel SO mad at God. All I can really tell you is to just pray. I myself still have frustrations at why God chose for me the life that he did. I don't know what he is planning, and why it has to be so hard, I can only assume it's something amazing.

As for your husband, maybe he's in as much pain as you? I notice that many times when men are hurting, they don't open up about it. They close off, don't talk, and don't want to "work on it" because they feel it is THEIR job to fix it somehow. My hubby does this. When he is stressed he won't talk it out, I have to drag it out of him with a crowbar.

A lot of his actions sounds like he is hurting. I know we have been married almost 3 years and because sex feels rather pointless to me at times, it hasn't been happening much. Hubby is so great though, because he sees it as a chance to woo me even more. I also don't like talking about our future because I feel discouraged so much of the time. It sounds like he's thinking about things the same way I am. I suppose that he doesn't want to do tests because he's scared there is something wrong, and he doesn't want to face that possibility. I bet he doesn't want to talk about adoption because he is holding out for hope of a pregnancy to term.

Have you guys tried going on dates, not talking about kids for a while, and just trying to get back into each other? Put kids on the backburner for a little while, and just try to enjoy each other again. You CAN get through this, trust me.


#10

Hmmmm, seems like when you gave your life to God you were really trying to make a contract with Him. You will do what He wants, and in return He will make you happy. Now you are becoming bitter because God doesn't seem to be holding up HIs side of the bargain. Instead of a contract, our lives should be a covenant with God where we each pledge to give 100% of ourselves whether the other person seems to live up to their side (though in reality it is only God that is always faithful).

Let me tell you about the two homilies that have touched my life the most. The first was actually at the funeral for our eldest son. The priest cautioned us to not go through life asking the question "God, why me?" since we will never hear an adequate answer this side of heaven. That question will only lead to bitterness. The better question to ask is "God, what can I learn from this horrible tragedy?" The answer to that question leads to growth. This was a difficult lesson to learn, and first I went through a period of actually cursing God and a long period of self-pity until even I was getting disgusted with myself.

The other homily came at a point in my life where I was going through marriage difficulties myself. The priest said that we are enthusiastically willing to "pick up our cross and follow Christ" PROVIDED that we are the one that gets to choose our cross. We spend most of our time telling God, "No, not that particular cross. It's too difficult and asking too much." Life doesn't work like that. We have to be willing to pick up the cross in front of us, no matter how much we hate this particular cross and feel incapable of handling it.

I think that when we are going through a very difficult time, sometimes our faith in God seems to actually make the situation worse, because in addition to the original problem we also experience a painful test of our faith and belief in a loving God. In the end, God cares far more of our holiness than our temporal happiness. God promises us "joy" which is far different from temporary happiness. I sometimes try to test beliefs through a "concentration camp" theology. In other words, would what I'm saying or believing be just as true if I were a prisoner in a concentration camp. A great book you might enjoy reading is Arise from Darkness: What to Do When Life Doesn't Make Sense by Benedict J. Groeschel. He really explains why the "prosperity gospel" approach to life is so wrong.

You and your husband are in my prayers.


#11

God Bless you! I am praying for you!
Remember, God loves you.
Your husband is being ignorant, Pray for Him.
God will NEVER give us anything that we can not handle. Remember that.
Though I am not the best advice-giver, God bless your heart.

I might suggest that your pray for the Intercession of St. Rita. She is the patron saint troubled circumstances, especially troubled marriages.


#12

My prayers are with you!

From what you shared it certainly looks like you got married for all the right reasons.

With what the Lord allows us to endure, He can bless us. You can't change your circumstances, but you can change how you see them. Get back into prayer. I remember a priest spiritual director telling us at a retreat that sometimes we need to complain to God, but we must do it calmly and respectfully, and with humility.

Put yourself into His Presence and ask for the grace to see things His way. Respectfully complain, and be open and listening for His response to you.


#13

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I can completely understand. I am curious as to how long your courtship was with your husband before your got married? I met and married my husband within nine months of meeting. Mind you, I had the left the church and was living a life of sin and was rebelling what I had grew up with. We were blessed almost immediately with our first child, he was born with down syndrome. This little man has brought my husband and I closer together. He is now 4 yrs old and we have been unalbe to concieve since…that was until 1 wk ago when I had to have surgery for an ectopic pregnancy…my left tube was removed. My husband and I will be celebrating 5 yrs this July, but this has been a journey. It had been very difficult…we have dealt with everything from alcoholism, DUI’s, special needs child, porn, contraception, lack of faith, fighting over my return to the faith, lack of sex, lack of love…the list goes on. We are in no way perfect, but one thing that this miscarriage has taught me is that my marriage is very important to me and that talking and sharing and being completely honest with one another is the some of the most important things we can do. I know I kind of babbled on and on, but I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and your husband.
Elizabeth


#14

[quote="Catholic_Wife, post:1, topic:196152"]

I don't know if this is in the right place, and it can be moved it if needed.

I feel like I've been sold a bill of goods. A little over 10 years ago, I fianlly started taking my Catholic faith very seriously. At that time, I gave it all to God. I told Him I would take any direction He wanted me to and whatever vocation in life I should strive to attain; and I asked for a good, clear sign to make sure it wasn't just my will but His. I was ready to be a nun or single and celibate the rest of my life if He thought that would be best for me. I willing to marry if that's what he wanted, but I had a list of traits I wanted in a man (such as devout Catholic, family-oriented, hard working, etc.).

Although I was secretly hoping for the convent to be my vocation, a few months later I met the man who would become my husband. While we dated, we talked about what kind of family life we wanted and how many children we hoped for. We talked about adopting if we couldn't have children of our own because of our age. Marrying my husband was something I could wholeheartedly agree to. Now that we've been married 4 years, there's not much 'intimacy' in our intimate life, and we don't have very good communication because DH doesn't see the need to talk anymore. We've been to Retrouvaille, but he refuses to do the 'homework'. I have miscarried three times and DH refuses to talk about adoption, and I feel like the reason we are bearing such 'bad fruit' is because there's so much wrong with our 'tree'. I am disappointed in how our marriage is going as well as my husband's attitude that he doesn't seem to want to work to improve our marriage. I resent the fact that I keep miscarrying and we have no money to find out why (our insurance doesn't cover this) and DH doesn't seem to care about doing even the simplest (Catholic-friendly) tests to find out if there is a problem.

Most of all, I have become rather bitter towards God because it seems He led me to this vocation of marriage, which is a miserable existence. It takes me a lot of planning and effort to get pregnant, which just ends in miscarriage, when women all around me are getting pregnant while they are single, after getting their IUD out, etc. I'm to the point that I don't want to go to Mass, won't receive the Eucharist if I do go, and have stopped praying except to tell God how much I hate my life.

I don't even know if I'm asking for advice, consolation, a listening ear, prayer or what. . . . :imsorry:

[/quote]

Someone posted recently that either being married or single can be miserable. I'm single and while most of the time I'm fairly happy and content with it I do get some moments of misery attached to it. I think either is probably very hard and like anything else has it's good and bad times. I'm dealing with the no kids factor myself due to my age. I've thought about adoption but financially for me at this time it's not an option and most likely never would be. I wish there were easy answers out there for all of this but there just aren't. I guess praying is all we can do. I consider leaving the church too from time to time because I always felt a stong calling for marriage and motherhood but it never materialized and I chose not to have children out of wedlock and sometimes feel like I'm being punished or it.


#15

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:196152"]
Ma'am,

It sounds like it's really tough for you right now. First off, I'll pray for you. Second, have you spoken to mental health counselor?

Praying...

[/quote]

Thank you for the prayers. My mental health is NOT an issue. Actually, the fact that I have been able to verbalize my anger and disappointment is a healthier reaction than I have made in the past.

[quote="Whitacre_Girl, post:9, topic:196152"]
Oh sweetie :hug1: I can't relate to everything that you are going through, but my heart goes out to you.

Hubby and I can't have kids (at least, not yet....) and I know exactly how you feel about watching other women get pregnant right off the bat, even singles. It sucks, and it can make you feel SO mad at God. All I can really tell you is to just pray. I myself still have frustrations at why God chose for me the life that he did. I don't know what he is planning, and why it has to be so hard, I can only assume it's something amazing.

As for your husband, maybe he's in as much pain as you? I notice that many times when men are hurting, they don't open up about it. They close off, don't talk, and don't want to "work on it" because they feel it is THEIR job to fix it somehow. My hubby does this. When he is stressed he won't talk it out, I have to drag it out of him with a crowbar.

Have you guys tried going on dates, not talking about kids for a while, and just trying to get back into each other? Put kids on the backburner for a little while, and just try to enjoy each other again. You CAN get through this, trust me.

[/quote]

Yes, it does suck that I do things the 'right' way and still have no children. I'm not single and trying to trap a man by getting pregnant, then having an abortion because the man won't make a commitment to me. I haven't gotten pregnant two weeks after having an IUD removed. DH may be in pain, but I will never know because he won't talk to me about it. We've basically put kids on the back burner for the four years we've been married as we have settled into marriage, bought a home and renovated it; but we are 41 (me) and 44 (DH), so we're racing against the clock to do things the 'right (Catholic) way'. We'll have the rest of our lives to do nothing but 'enjoy each other' if we don't have children.

[quote="Sirach_43, post:10, topic:196152"]
**Hmmmm, seems like when you gave your life to God you were really trying to make a contract with Him. You will do what He wants, and in return He will make you happy. Now you are becoming bitter because God doesn't seem to be holding up HIs side of the bargain. **Instead of a contract, our lives should be a covenant with God where we each pledge to give 100% of ourselves whether the other person seems to live up to their side (though in reality it is only God that is always faithful).

You and your husband are in my prayers.

[/quote]

Thank you for the prayers. I would just like to have a 'normal' family like others have. Is that really too much to ask??? Especially when I still have the desire in my heart for children. The inability to have children is something that people with children will NEVER understand. All I pray now is that God would just take this desire from me if we're just going to keep miscarrying and never actually have children . . . .

[quote="Mamanurse, post:13, topic:196152"]
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I can completely understand. I am curious as to how long your courtship was with your husband before your got married? I met and married my husband within nine months of meeting. Mind you, I had the left the church and was living a life of sin and was rebelling what I had grew up with. We were blessed almost immediately with our first child, he was born with down syndrome. This little man has brought my husband and I closer together. He is now 4 yrs old and we have been unalbe to concieve since....that was until 1 wk ago when I had to have surgery for an ectopic pregnancy...my left tube was removed. My husband and I will be celebrating 5 yrs this July, but this has been a journey. It had been very difficult....we have dealt with everything from alcoholism, DUI's, special needs child, porn, contraception, lack of faith, fighting over my return to the faith, lack of sex, lack of love.....the list goes on. We are in no way perfect, but one thing that this miscarriage has taught me is that my marriage is very important to me and that talking and sharing and being completely honest with one another is the some of the most important things we can do. I know I kind of babbled on and on, but I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and your husband.
Elizabeth

[/quote]

Thank you for your prayers. We dated two years before getting engaged and were engaged 18 months before we got married.


#16

Praying for you right now, and would suggest visiting a priest or someone who can point you to a spiritual direction. Anger towards God is not productive, but even he understands why when we are mad with him. He only gives us love. Trust me I have been there.


#17

Oh my dear sister…:console:

I dont know what its like to be exactly in your shoes, but I do know what its like to be very disappointed and discourage about my life and where it may be at compared to what my expectations had been.

When I am in that kind of a spot, I meditate on the Garden and Our Lord’s Agony. Infact, I make a date to meet Him there in my meditations and prayer. I go to the Garden and He and I talk. Or just sit. I listen to what it was like for Him in the Garden, when His disciples let Him down, werent there for Him in such a painful hour. Heck, they were a bit off SLEEPING. He, Our Lord, is sweating BLOOD, and His apostles, men He had chosen specifically, ARE ASLEEP.

Perhaps if you can find some quiet time you can make a time to Meet Our Lord in the Garden too. And exchange experiences. And Console each other.

Hugs and prayers dear Sister, I know how bad the pain can be.


#18

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