I don’t know if this is in the right place, and it can be moved it if needed.
I feel like I’ve been sold a bill of goods. A little over 10 years ago, I fianlly started taking my Catholic faith very seriously. At that time, I gave it all to God. I told Him I would take any direction He wanted me to and whatever vocation in life I should strive to attain; and I asked for a good, clear sign to make sure it wasn’t just my will but His. I was ready to be a nun or single and celibate the rest of my life if He thought that would be best for me. I willing to marry if that’s what he wanted, but I had a list of traits I wanted in a man (such as devout Catholic, family-oriented, hard working, etc.).
Although I was secretly hoping for the convent to be my vocation, a few months later I met the man who would become my husband. While we dated, we talked about what kind of family life we wanted and how many children we hoped for. We talked about adopting if we couldn’t have children of our own because of our age. Marrying my husband was something I could wholeheartedly agree to. Now that we’ve been married 4 years, there’s not much ‘intimacy’ in our intimate life, and we don’t have very good communication because DH doesn’t see the need to talk anymore. We’ve been to Retrouvaille, but he refuses to do the ‘homework’. I have miscarried three times and DH refuses to talk about adoption, and I feel like the reason we are bearing such ‘bad fruit’ is because there’s so much wrong with our ‘tree’. I am disappointed in how our marriage is going as well as my husband’s attitude that he doesn’t seem to want to work to improve our marriage. I resent the fact that I keep miscarrying and we have no money to find out why (our insurance doesn’t cover this) and DH doesn’t seem to care about doing even the simplest (Catholic-friendly) tests to find out if there is a problem.
Most of all, I have become rather bitter towards God because it seems He led me to this vocation of marriage, which is a miserable existence. It takes me a lot of planning and effort to get pregnant, which just ends in miscarriage, when women all around me are getting pregnant while they are single, after getting their IUD out, etc. I’m to the point that I don’t want to go to Mass, won’t receive the Eucharist if I do go, and have stopped praying except to tell God how much I hate my life.
I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice, consolation, a listening ear, prayer or what. . . . :imsorry: