Dear fellow members of this forum,
That’s going to be my first post to this forum, but I think it will not be last.
Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost is the thing, that haunts me occasionally.
From age 15-17 I was active member of Lutheran church. I seeked for acceptance and mercy, but also I was very strict about the behaving in church, type of music played in religious meetings and against the modernization of church (music masses, architecture, shape and type of candelabras etc.) I felt like was trying to accomplish my faith.
So, eventually I got what I call “Religious Burn-out” and wen’t to Anti-church mode. I stopped attending to masses and meetings and started to live like “normal” teenagers. I was still praying and trying to connect Lord by myself. I constantly asked why does I have to carry this burden? Why does I have to be lonely, homosexual and anxious. After my brother was murdered I started to slowly give up. I practically gave up my faith and eventually stop praying. I resigned from Lutheran church and when asked, I told that man can survive in his own, and faith is childish and idiotic. If I would join the church, I’ts like african american is joining the KKK, I said. I always questioned my sister’s faith and mocked his church.
Lately, in January to be correct, I met a person who is catholic. He told me about his faith, not trying to convert me, but just told what catholicism is about. I begun to read catechism and prayed first time for years. That feeling after prayer was overwhelming and I sleeped better than years. I prayed for sign from the Lord, and have prayed every night since then. I have started to attend mass every sunday and to practice abstinence in every friday. I have felt better than ever, like I’m whole now.
Sometimes question rises in my mind - Can I be saved?
I’ve read, that Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost is unforgivable. But why would God call for me, if I’m unsaveable? The story of Prodigal Son gives strenght, but question still rises sometimes.
Sorry for possible misspellings and grammar erros. My native language is Finnish.