Book ideas to help with marriage


#1

I'm just asking everyone for some advice on a book or other information source. My husband recently admitted to me that he had a affair earlier in our marriage and had been lying about it for a couple years. He also admitted having an addiction to pornography. He's been working through his issues, but I'm having a tough time. We have little kids and I try to take my faith seriously so I'm not looking to leave or anything.

I just don't know where to go from here. I can't act like it never happened. It hurts. All the marriage books I've seen are either preparing for marriage or enrichment. So they say don't have an affair...but what do you do if it's already happened? I don't know what our marriage is supposed to look like now, and I don't know how to move passed this.


#2

You are fortunate that your husband wants to make the marriage work and is willing to work through this. Lesser men would just throw in the towel.

I so strongly recommend the Retrouvaille program for you and your husband. Many of the couples at Retrouvaille are working to heal after infidelity, and I think the program would help you both form a vision of how your marriage can be even better than before the infidelity.

I just wish I could hug you, but since I can't, I will pray for you.


#3

The marriage enrichment books you are already familiar with offer the same principles you will need (dealing with forgiveness, compassion, etc.). What they omit is an application to your current struggle. Indeed, no book really will be a total solution for you.

As always, you need to seek God to overcome your current problems, for His son has overcome the world.

I advise you find a faithful Catholic counselor to help you through this time. You probably need individual counseling as much or more than couple counseling at this point. Couple's retreats can also help.

I will pray for your struggle.


#4

I don't know of a book but can you pray the rosary together? that is a great "intimate" part of family life that you can share but isn't direct work on your relationship -- if you know what I'm saying. and it could only help rebuild your marriage, faith, and give you important common ground. just an idea if you already hadn't thought of it. or aren't already committed to it. God bless. Said a quick prayer for you too. :heart: may God grant you peace girl.


#5

TruthSeeker,

Not being married, my advice is not the most qualified.:blush:
However, I have read an excellent book called 'The Five Love Languages" that might help your marriage. The book helped me with understanding my family and how I could love them in ways that really helped them feel loved by me. Love, true agape love, heals much.

Praying the rosary is a great idea too!

Will pray for you,
hilaretenebris


#6

TruthSeeker,

This site seems very devoted to marriage as a sacrament.

maritalhealing.com

Just peruse the site and then contact the group and see if they have any suggestions. Has he agreed to go to SexAnon? or a Catholic Counselor? This is tough, I know.

If you want to PM me please do.

Blessings, and Prayers,

HisMercy 2011


#7

[quote="hilaretenebris, post:5, topic:229278"]
TruthSeeker,

Not being married, my advice is not the most qualified.:blush:
However, I have read an excellent book called 'The Five Love Languages" that might help your marriage. The book helped me with understanding my family and how I could love them in ways that really helped them feel loved by me. Love, true agape love, heals much.

Praying the rosary is a great idea too!

Will pray for you,
hilaretenebris

[/quote]

As one who is married, I agree this book is excellent. :thumbsup: It guides spouses in understanding how to show love to each other in a way that the recipient feels the love expressed.

However, it does not address overcoming betrayal to my recollection. :shrug:


#8

There is a Christian book called The Love Dare that might help. However, I would like to suggest that you find a Catholic Counselor . Both you and your husband probably are going to need guidance to repair the damage and heal. It can be done. Don’t give up. I know you are hurting terribly. I will say a prayer for you.


#9

I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. The following are excellent and helped my marriage and me tremendously:

Every Heart Restored (A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin) by Fred and Brenda Stoeker
Living with your Husband’s Secret Wars by Marsha Means
Hope After Betrayal-Healing when Sexual Addiction Invades your Marriage
by Meg Wilson
Shattered Vows-Hope and Healing for Women who have been Sexually Betrayed by Debra Laaser
Holy Sex by Gregory Popcak

There is also a support group here at CAF specifically for women whose husbands are or have been addicted to pornography called, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” that you may wish to join.

May Our Lord keep you in His loving care, and please know that you’re in my prayers.


#10

[quote="TruthSeeker87, post:1, topic:229278"]
I'm just asking everyone for some advice on a book or other information source. My husband recently admitted to me that he had a affair earlier in our marriage and had been lying about it for a couple years. He also admitted having an addiction to pornography. He's been working through his issues, but I'm having a tough time. We have little kids and I try to take my faith seriously so I'm not looking to leave or anything.

I just don't know where to go from here. I can't act like it never happened. It hurts. All the marriage books I've seen are either preparing for marriage or enrichment. So they say don't have an affair...but what do you do if it's already happened? I don't know what our marriage is supposed to look like now, and I don't know how to move passed this.

[/quote]

This is a serious betrayal of the vows of your marriage. Porn is also very addictive and many men need a lot of support and help to stop. If he is getting counseling to deal with the addiction, you both should be in counseling for the infidelity. You are going to have lots of emotions to deal with and these can change from day to day, even hour to hour. Once trust has been broken it is not easy to repair. He will have to be very understanding and patient and not do ANYTHING further to break your trust again.

I would not recommend that you try to just read books to get through this experience. You need someone to pour your heart out to, who can guide you through the fall-out and hopefully to re-create your marriage and make it stronger.

I wish you all the best and I will pray for you.


#11

The absolute best book for someone in your situation is Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. Here’s a link:

amazon.com/Love-Must-Tough-James-Dobson/dp/0849913411

I have recommended this book to others with marriages rocked by affairs, and in each case, the spouses have told me that this book saved their marriage, their sanity, and their faith.

Dr. Dobson offers PRACTICAL strategies for saving a marriage. It’s not just a lot of Bible verses and advice, it’s a “do this, then do this” book. It’s a lifeline. It’s probably the best book Dr. Dobson has written.

Even couples who have strong marriages will learn a lot about respect for each other from reading this book.

Please go check it out.


#12

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