Born with a defective soul

I am different, I just dont know why. Since I was a little child I have felt disconnected from God. I have never been able to comfortabley say that I believe that God is real. And worse I have never been able to say that I accept Jesus as my lord and a Savior as so many people say. I am catholic, raised catholic and go to mass. I am 43. I have raised my thoughts to God at least once every day since I was a child. I have prayed with dedication that last couple of years because I am now painfully aware that something is wrong with me.

The best way to sum this up is this. If you read about a famous historical figure from a few hundred years back you may say hmmm thats interesting but that person is just a figure described in a book, you dont know him and have never met him. He is a stranger that once lived but is now gone.

Is sad for me because God is supposed to be accepting of all people. Jesus is supposed to be a perfect lover. But not for me. I feel no connection so I can only assume that something is very wrong with me or everyone else is faking it.

But God does love you. He accepts you.

I am thinking you probably don’t feel anything because you need to commit at least to acknowledging that you believe in God and that He is your Lord and Saviour.

I find it difficult to imagine someone who prays to God daily (?) and goes to Mass to worship a God he can’t say is real and can’t say that God is his Lord and Saviour.

Try loving God and then try accepting Him.

I don’t think there is such a thing as a defective soul. I think all who reads your post will be praying for you.

I am so very sorry for you! How very painful. Have you asked God to reveal Himself to you? You can do that you know. You don’t have to “accept Jesus as your Lord and savior.” That’s a Protestant thing, I think. You can just say, “God, Jesus, or whoever you are if you really exist - I’d like to believe in You and I sure wish I could feel something from or about you… I feel lost and lonely and quite honestly, I feel like I’m talking to air. If you really do exist, could you show me somehow?”

That’s about all you can do.

Possibly you have thrown up some emotional wall between yourself and God. I don’t believe God “makes” defective souls, but our fallen world and all its evil and sin can damage souls. I know that for a fact having tried to raise an adoptive daughter who was so severely damaged by her mother from before birth that she had no conscience whatsoever and delighted in evil.

Do you feel love and connection to other people? If not, you can see a mental health counselor. People with some mental health problems have trouble relating to anyone, much less God.

Those of us who found God (and I was in my late 30s when I did), cannot take any credit for it. I’m not an especially good or holy person, and I surely did nothing to deserve it. In retrospect, I can see that God was reaching out to me for a long, long time but I couldn’t accept it. The walls were my creation, not His.

I will pray for you Norfolk!

You would not be experiencing a longing for God, if he had not first drawn you to search for him. Pascal says, “Be of good cheer. You would not be seeking me, unless you had found me.” At least found, in some sense. You have a faint whiff, a thirsty throat. But you would not even have that, were not God already making you an object of his love.

Your feelings are simply that: your feelings. Do you agree that, regardless of your mood, God either exists or he doesn’t? Regardless of how you feel about it, Christ either was the son of God, or he wasn’t?

Feelings change, and are at times very difficult to deal with. Some of the greatest Saints experienced years of aridity, or spiritual dryness. Some even the dark night of the soul.

Do what you can, and pray for help regarding what you can’t. Whether or not you know it or believe it, God is perfecting you somehow.

There is definitely a difference between going through the motions of being Catholic and truly living a life in Christ. The first is done through obedience, because we are raised to do things others teach us to do, telling us that they are right. The second seems to be less our choice than God’s, because we can only live that way with his grace. Both are good as far as I’m concerned, because both seek to do what is right, regardless of feelings. But the second one FEELS better, it is all consuming, it validates your actions. Until three years ago I lived the first way, sometimes quite badly. A tragic event occurred in my life which awakened deep thoughts in me about my future and how God relates to it. Sounds like you are also starting to question those things, at least acknowledging them, by posting here about how you feel different. Start with that. And begin to ask our Lord specifically to remove the things that keep you from getting closer to him. When there is nothing left but our Lord you’d be surprised how quickly you get to know him, and how he has been there waiting all this time. Foster a genuine desire in your heart to get to know him better. Jesus cannot resist a humble heart. And don’t skimp on the Sacraments. They are the most profound way I know to encounter Christ in my life. Think of how it will be one day when you see him face to face, as he is. That day will come when there will be nothing left but YOU and HIM, acknowledging your life and how you loved. Hope that helps. I’ll be praying for you, too. :slight_smile:

Thanks to all for the responses. I appreciate the insight.

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