Boy/Girl Scare


#1

Hello, all,

It seems as if many of my girlfriends are rather intimidated by boys, and that many of the boys we encounter are scared half to death of us girls. Personally, save a couple of special laddies, I find that boys tend to be very unfriendly towards girls and make us feel terribly self-conscious by the way they act.

What do you think causes this mutual fright between boys and girls? Personally, I’m not afraid of boys – just frustrated by them! Sometimes they act as if all interactions with females is some sort of near occasion of sin (“wine, women, and song”). I hate having my gender identitifed as some sort of “Mark of Cain” that can destroy someone’s morality, when all I’d like to do is to talk and become friends with the boys.

I am a very modest girl, in my actions and my dress. I am firmly dedicated to chastity, and loathe the misrepresentation of sexuality that reduces human beings to slobbering animals using one another for temporary pleasure. I would never want to lead one of my brothers to sin! However, if males and females don’t get over this fear of sparking some deep, dark emotion by being around those of the opposite gender, how will we ever get comfortable enough to become friends with them, much less someday marry one of them?

Does anyone have any thoughts to add?

Blessings,
Pearl


#2

Hi Pearl,
Yes a thought to add - I don’t know how old you are but it doesn’t matter really - the best way to deal with boys (who probably feel as awkward and confused as you do) is to be friendly and natural towards them. Treat them like you want them to treat you. Say hello, and find out a little bit about them so you have topics to discuss.

Simple things like what music they like, or what is their favorite sport or subject at school, where have they traveled…anything ordinary will work. Make it clear you just want to have a nice friendly acquaintance with them. Do not flirt (you sound sensible enough not to go there).

They tend to be less “conversation-oriented” than girls, so just start with a cheerful “hi” and a smile and soon you will make a new friend or two. If you ever think a boy is getting a crush on you, and you just want to be friends and NOT have any relationship other than that, the best thing is to be clear and let them know that. Let them know that a friendly attitude on your part is simply that and nothing more. Good luck


#3

Hi, Corvinae,

Thanks for adding your thoughts. I am going on 18 this July :smiley:

Indeed, I do make every effort to be friendly and conversational with the boys I meet. But they often thwart my every effort, either grunting or using coy responses to shut me up as fast as possible and run away like frightened rabbits! :frowning: I don’t flirt, although I do try to be a charming companion, which they seem not to appreciate.

Believe me, none of these lads are madly in love with me. Not even close. And I have no fear of them getting a crush on me either. I’m afraid many of them have simply lost the art of polite conversation and have decided they would be better off living in their own little world. I will continue trying with them – being an old maid is not my plan for the indefinite future! However, please keep me in your prayers. Befriending boys is not an easy mission :mad:


#4

Haha! Pearl, i think what you've said is definately true to an extent!

While i think most people are actually ok with the opposite sex, i think deep down girls frighten the hell outta me. But there are several reasons for this.

1) I went to an all boys school - which meant i spent most of my time mixing with guys. Therefore i can chat away to guys about general stuff all day, but i feel less familiar with girls and dont know the things we have in common (cause i feel i cant talk about (english) football results or cars and all those 'guy things'). So i just dont know what to say!

2) I've had a bad relationship before which has left me heartbroken - i'm too afraid to have another relationship because i doubt i could survive depression again. I'll be honest, i'm embarrased that i dont have a girlfriend incase people think there's something wrong with me....and sometimes i geneuinely do feel....err...lonely...and i'd just love to have someone to talk to and throw my arms around. I do want to share romance, love and affection...but i've nobody to share it with!

Finally, no i'm not scared of a girl tempting me to sex....but of me tempting her!! I do have a strong sex drive and i dont want to defile a girl's purity. I really would feel TERRIBLE about that...but when my body constantly begs for sex, sex, sex, i'm afraid that i might fall. Also, i believe in nfp and i'm doubtful of how many 21 year old girls would be ok with that....never mind the no sex before marriage...and going to mass every week.

I just feel i cant win. Loneliness is a cross alright....just gotta trust in the Lord


#5

Hi

Although quite a bit older than you, I can understand where you're coming from. I was always wary of boys when at school, I went to an all girl's convent school, I was thrown in the deep end when I was at college. There aren't many female radiocommunication engineers around. I literally went from an all-female to all-male environment, talk about scary and an education in many unexpected ways.

Maybe surprisingly, I never went out with anyone until I finished college. About a year later I met the man I was to go on to marry. We've known each other 23 years and have been married for 15

The only thing I would say is be honest and open. It's nothing short of miracle that pure relationships without pre-marital sex exists thes days, but it does. It is not easy, given modern day pressures, to save yourself for the person you love, but it is by no means impossible. Being true to your faith is the key to helping you through the minefield of sexuality. If you are true and honest, sure you may get burnt, I did a couple of times, but you will, God willing, go on to a fulfilling and loving relationship with a person who values both your faith and who you are. If they really want a relationship with you, they'll respect your views and wishes regarding sex and will wait

Long reply I know I hope it helps you


#6

Here’s a male perspective.

Part of it is performance anxiety. Teens (boys at least) are getting into situations where they have to do social things that they haven’t done before, and haven’t had much experience in doing. It’s like making a speech.

If you’re talking about relationships, there is a special kind of humiliation that a boy gets when he asks a girl for a dance and she turns him down. It’s a bit like a pie in the face.

So it goes.

It’s also a Recognition Thing. My wife ran into a woman who apparently had a crush on me when we were both in high school. I never saw it at all.

Inexperience matters. Thus the fumbling and apprehension, etc.


#7

@Robert789

I had my heart horribly and painfully broken at about age 20. It took more than two years to "get over" it, to stop thinking of her each day (with the classic pain, moping, moaning, etc.)

Of course it takes time. Time heals these wounds.

Get used to the idea that human beings are going to pick up scars along the way. Everybody does. And some scars you just don't go back and pick it.

I remember talking with a young woman who had been hurt. What amazed me was that she felt entitled to a life without emotional pain and was shocked and surprised to receive some. Everybody gets bruised in this life.


#8

[quote="Robert789, post:4, topic:328752"]
1) I went to an all boys school - which meant i spent most of my time mixing with guys. Therefore i can chat away to guys about general stuff all day, but i feel less familiar with girls and dont know the things we have in common (cause i feel i cant talk about (english) football results or cars and all those 'guy things'). So i just dont know what to say!

[/quote]

On the other hand, I was the only guy in the flute section from 5th to 12th grade. The only exceptions were 2 other guys in 7th grade and 1 other guy freshman and sophomore year. I can handle myself around girls quite well; they even named me an honorary girl primarily so they wouldn't have to keep saying "Girls and [Razanir]!" Nah, my main issue is escaping the dreaded friend zone.


#9

@Robert789: I think I personally am pretty okay with talking about things guys might be interested in. I'm not an excessively "girly-girl", and I have an interest in military history and figures. Plus, I try really hard to be a good conversationalist on any topic, even stuff that doesn't really interest me.

I'm sorry to hear about your heart being broken in a failed romantic relationship. Such things are never fun :( Lonliness is indeed a terrible burden sometiems, and I often feel the urge to just speak my mind to someone and cuddle a little. sigh. All I can say is never give up on looking for a soul-mate. Just keep at it; God has someone out there for you!

I'm also sorry to hear about your strong sex drive. Such bodily drives can be extremely unpleasant and hard to cope with, ruining a lot of otherwise pleasant oppurtunites to interact with other people of the opposite gender. I personally find the thought of the strong male sex drive rather scary, as I'm quite reserved in that area. I do get my crazy "drives", but they are more drives for me to do something with myself, as opposed to doing something with someone else! I just totally hate the concept of using another person's body to bring relief to me. I have too much love and respect for them as fellow human beings, as I hope they do for me.

As an aside, what part of Northern Ireland do you live in?

Thank you, Captain America, Razinir, and CAshtn16 for posting your thoughts as well!

Will try to respond to all in full later......

Blessings,
Pearl


#10

Hi Pearl!!

Thank you so much for ur reply! That was really nice of ya! I’m really impressed by the amount of time you spent writing back and for caring!! - thank you! …brightened up my wee morning :slight_smile:

I also get those times when i just need to have someone to cuddle with…just needing to have somebody there!! It’s an intimicy thing, wanting to spend time with somebody who you can talk about absolutely anything, knowing that you’s can both just be yourself because you’s love each other regardless of any faults or imperfections.

Haha! Yes, i also know EXACTLY what you mean about the sex drive too. Even if there are a crowd of beautiful girls around me, while i might be very interested in impressing one of them and flirting, being in the presence of girls doesnt really switch my sex drive on! Where it REALLY comes into play is when i’m on my own…and it’s then that i find it so strong and hard to resist…which can lead to masturbation, which is obviously a sin against God :’( Because of my inability to handle my sex drive when i’m alone, i’m terrified incase one night me and a future girlfriend where left alone and she suggested to have sex. Because i know that i struggle to contain my sex drive, i cant verify that i would be 100% able to say no to her. Dont get me wrong, i’ve turned down sex a number of times before because of my faith, but that was with girls who i met at clubs who wwere more after a one night stand (which is so aweful). I’m blessed that my sex drive doesnt kick in until i am on my own. I think the main reason for this is that i also see sex as a defiling act. It would me using a girl as a sex toy and i think it completely destroys the
beauty and vunerability of women that us men are supposed to be freely willing to lay down our lives to protect. I’ll probably be apologising on my wedding night after sex haha…i’d feel like i owed her something back in return!! Haha! Even though after marriage, the Lord says it is good to have sex (St Paul even suggests it’s regular in Corinthians!), i’d be afraid of USING my WIFE to ease MY sex drive…it just sounds cruel and degrading. Dont get me wrong, i’m bursting for an amazing sex life…but i so badly want to protect this vunerability and purity that women are blessed with.

You like military history?? Wow!!! I’m uber impressed!! I thought i was a nerdy guy and try to hide my love of that stuff!! Infact it was my love for military history that got me into building wee plastic models of planes, tanks etc. Then because i enjoyed putting those together, it lead to me studying structural engineering at university at the minute. Cant say that i know a lot about the American civil war etc, i’m more into WW2
…i think i enjoy looking to narrow down the facts to see what decision/action caused the turn of the tide of WW2…and i particularily love the daring and bold Erwin Rommel - sad, i know!! Haha! What are you most interested in???

I’m from Belfast. We genuinely have our own military history here too! Haha. That’s what i think caused my previous relationship to break up…while we only lived 2 miles apart, we were separated by a massive protestant housing estate that’s a ‘no go’ zone for catholics, so we couldnt see each other that often :frowning: …now i have a car and can speed through it haha! They’re currently building their bonfires which they light on July 12th where they’ll burn pictures of the pope, dummy’s dressed like the pope and the Irish flag which is associated with catholics haha. It happens all over Northern Ireland that night, then they march through the streets playing sectarian music. You’ll see the riots on the news in July - it’s really predictable! Haha. But the history is interesting (if a bit stupid too!) haha!

Pearl, i’ll be honest, you come across as being a REALLY lovely and caring girl. I genuinely do believe that God will find the perfect man for you. As Padre Pio said “pray, hope and don’t worry!”. God wont ignore a child of His who is as considerate, good-willing and beautiful as you!!

Thank you once again for your kind reply :slight_smile: You’ve injected hope into a situation that i was feeling sad about.

May God comfort you in these difficult and trying times.

Blessings to you and your family :slight_smile:


#11

I think everyone have made some pretty good points and alot of those seem like they come from personal experiences. I don't really think that boys/girls, men/women are scared of eachother, but I truly believe that everyone's experiences have some influence on how we interact with eachother. I speak from personal experience and I see it everyday in my field of work. I think people who have had traumatic experiences, experienced some kind of abuse/neglect, heartache, etc tend to be more cautious about who they let into their lives and the situations they put themselves in. I am one of those people and as a result I come across as being cold, stand offish, and stuck up. It just takes time for me to get comfortable around people.

I think there is also that fear of being put into the friendzone and as a result people don't want to put themselves out there so to speak. You'll never know how the other person feels about you unless you do put yourself out there. If that person doesn't feel the same way, so what it wasn't meant to be and now you can find Mr./Ms. Right.

I remember a class I took in college my professor discussed the idea that women in society tend to have dual images, meaning that we have to be virginal/sex symbol. The idea is that being too much of one or the other will have a negative impact. Basically, the idea is that women who are too "pure", modest, etc will have a harder time finding someone and women that are too much of a sex symbol will only attract men who want to exploit them.


#12

ERica's points about gender expectations are well taken.

As a high school boy with pencil-thin arms, it was a tough thing. No way at all to look macho (or buff, etc.). They didn't have steroids available to me back then, but I would've been tempted. Chicks like guys with muscles. And they like guys who act mean.

In 2013, the "alpha male" is said to be the new big role thing. I don't get it. For a relationship to work, it needs reciprocal action, mutual decisionmaking. If women capture an "alpha male" for themselves (say, is this another word for "lone wolf"?) how on earth do they expect to spend more than a couple of weeks with him before getting tired of second class citizenship?

Weird romantic ideas generate weird gender expectations. Women of high school age are far more skilled at the psychology of relationships than the average chod of a male; they're susceptible to a lot of mental nonsense.

And, overall, men are fed the nonsense that women's physical beauty is it, the only thing.


#13

[quote="Captain_America, post:12, topic:328752"]

the average chod of a male; they're susceptible to a lot of mental nonsense.

[/quote]

Sounds like me!


#14

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