Boyfriend Harrassed Me. I need Catholic advice


#1

Hi everyone,

I need some Catholic advice on this subject. I was suffering through some depression last year, and this guy started talking to me. I thought he was nice, so played along. He made me feel happy, which was something that just wasn’t there. We ended up started dating. He would make sexual remarks to me. I just thought it was a joke, so I laughed and didn’t think about it. He would go through different stages. He would be really sweet and loving, then he would make some sort of remark that hurt my feelings. He told everyone that we were going sleep together, and he pretty much forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. We didn’t take things all the way, but if I would have stayed in the relationship he would have tried to get me into bed. I was in a way brainwashed. He was giving me instant gratification, and I liked it. He took me away from my friends, and most importantly he took me away from my morals. I feel really ashamed that I fell for his act. Luckily, I got out of the relationship before it got too serious. We broke up on bad terms. I went to Confession, and the priest told me I should try to make amends with him. I sent him a message online, and he, his new online girlfriend, and her friend sent me threatening messages. I reported him to my principal, and she told me not to associate with him anymore. She talked to him, and he has left me alone. Now, I’m in a relationship with another guy. He’s very moral-driven and caring, and he wants to be pure until marriage. He wants me to confront my ex boyfriend. He sees how much this is hurting me, and he wants to try to let me get over it. I’m scared. There is still a lot of anger towords my ex boyfriend, and i can’t control myself around him. I don’t know what to do. If you can, would you please pray that God will lead me in the right thing to do?

Any advice? I need some help.

Thanks for reading :slight_smile:

-Jeanne


#2

Confront your ex-boyfriend about what? The relationship is over. Its time to move on.


#3

Confronting him about hurting me. It keeps eating at me. I don’t think I can move on.

-J


#4

Jeanne, my first impulse is to say that as far as this boy is concerned, let it go. Yes you need to deal with the complex regrets and confusions, but not with him. You did as your priest asked and all you got back was abuse and threats. This person could be dangerous to you, and has been. Your principal has dealt with things and advises you to stay away from this man.

With someone without a moral conscience, you’re not going to make progress, only trigger more problems if you engage with him, so it won’t help you get over things. He will go on his ‘merry’ way, as as words or confrontations won’t help, given his attitudes, and his intent to seduce an innocent girl…it isn’t this boy you need to deal with, but yourself. He needs prayer for conversion.

It is you who are bruised and injured and angry due to this relationship you had. It is you who needs healing.
Sweetheart, I understand. And I do think it is you that you’re most angry at, because you feel you were untrue to yourself and your beliefs, however limited the degree of that. He was the hurdle,and you found out where you needed to grow. That’s human, and we all, who know you, Jeane, know how sincee you are and how good you wish to be. And you will be. I’s yourself you need God’s help to forgive, and your dear self that needs healing from the interior and emotional bruising you have suffered.

God has already given you the love and protection of a good young man. God has already forgiven any lapse and is making your new path already.

You assure us through Isaiah, our God,
“I have dispelled your faults like a cloud
your sins like a mist
Come back to me, for I have redeemed you.” [Isaiah 44:22]

“No need to recall the past,
no need to think about what was before.
See I am doing a new deed,
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness,
paths in the wild.” [Isaiah 43:18-19]


#5

Is your anger really at your ex boyfriend or is it at yourself? I don’t want to seem too harsh, but a boyfriend in the situation you described cannot “take away your morals”. You need to make peace with yourself and the bad choices you made of your own free will.

I assume you have gone to confession? If so, then God has forgiven you. It’s time to forgive yourself. Maybe instead of talking to your ex-boyfriend you should talk to a priest. Many people have troubles forgiving themselves after they have sinned, a priest would be able to give you some advice about this.


#6

As someone who found herself in more than a few bad relationships, I do have some advice. There is NOTHING you can get from him. Nothing. The best idea is to go to a therapist or a different Priest for counseling. So many times, confronting someone like that hurts more than helps. We (including myself in this) fell for their lies once, it is very easy to do it again, especially if they “act” sorry.

That is my advice. Whether you take it or not is of course up to you, but I will pray anyway. :smiley:


#7

Hi, Jeanne.

I personally appreciate your candor in this sensitive topic. I will give my opinion, but I advise you to speak to your parents on what they would have you do, as well.

Many of us have been in relationships where things can get out of hand. However, remember that people cannot “brainwash” you into doing things you know you shouldn’t do. It sounds like you understand that now with your confession.

The priest may have been encouraging you to reach out in forgiveness to your ex-boyfriend. However, since threats have been sent, your principal has the best advice. You can forgive what the boy has done, but that doesn’t require interacting directly with him. Your current boyfriend’s opinion appears filled with revenge; this is not the Catholic way. By putting it out of your mind and not dwelling on the past, your boyfriend will not dwell on it, either.

Again, do speak more about this with your parents and pastor. It can be easy to forgive but hard to forget things.


#8

I think you’re right. I feel bad for falling into his trap. and I feel bad that I let him control me, and I just feel dirty. It hurts me. But, I still, grew stronger through this whole situation. It brought me closer to God. I am not letting go of my faith. That’s the only thing I’ve got.

After the meeting with my principal, I prayed to God for a good guy who would love me for the person God made me, respect me, and be pure. And then he sent my current boyfriend, and I adore him.

I will pray for my ex’s conversion, and pray that God will help me get over him.

-J


#9

Thank you.

-J


#10

Yes you can move on. The confrontation is not going to play out the way you’ve rehearsed in your mind. Don’t give this boy any more power over you than you already have. He obviously does not care about you, you will only feel more hurt and he won’t care. The way you move on is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from this difficult experience and make different choices in the future. Disconnect from your ex completely. He is a not a part of your life now -you need to look to the future instead of dwelling on the past. Be happy, do whats right for you, move forward -that’s the best payback. Telling him that what he did is still hurting you only gives him more power in your life. Cut that cord and let it go.


#11

Thank you. I think I need to pray that God will help me let it go. Because I think that’s what’s best. I have a wonderful boyfriend, wonderful friends, wonderful family, and a great life. I need to just let it go and enjoy what God has blessed me with.


#12

Let me get this straight - the ex-boyfriend hurt you, and the priest thinks YOU need to make amends? :confused::confused:


#13

You have been wounded. You are hurt. You want an apology.

You won’t get it. Not from him.

Everyone here is correct. You can forgive him, but some people are best forgiven at a distance.

Your priest tried to give good advice and gave bad advice because his advice applies to normal people. The boy you dated is a manipulative person who shows some very easy to spot tendencies that point to a personality disorder. Dealing with him like you would deal with a sane rational person will not work. It will backfire. That kind of person is best kept at a distance. No interaction. He has a new girlfriend who believes all his lies. She will do his bidding for him until he uses her and dumps her. He will do that to many people in his life.

What you need to do is to find a way to be grateful to him. Yes, grateful. He taught you some very important lessons at an early age. Now you can spot those charmers who manipulate, don’t take no for an answer, leave you never knowing if they are happy, mad, sad or apathetic and keep you off balance as well. You can see them for what they are. Now you can avoid them. Chances are you won’t be fooled by someone like that again. Better you learn about them now before you marry one.

Your new boyfriend’s advice isn’t so good.

What you need to do is stop reflecting on what was done. The best way to fix what was done is to live your life successfully without the guy. You already took a big step by improving on the kind of boys you date. Success is the best revenge. Get a good education. Make a happy life. Hang around with only moral people. Pray. Do penance for your sins. Go to Mass. Find peace and don’t give this person power over you by festering over the old history. I know that is easier said than done. Concentrate on your future, not your past.

The best revenge you can have on someone like that is to live as if they never existed. As if they don’t matter. As if your contact with them was so unimportant that you may as well never hvae met them.

They love to think you are still thinking about them. Negative attention is better than none at all with them. So give them none at all.

Take what you have learned about human nature and move on. That’s your gift to yourself.

Your anger toward him doesn’t hurt him. It only hurts you. That kind doesn’t care who they hurt. Your revenge comes from realizing they weren’t worth all the energy and just erasing their memory from your world. Good luck!

And remember: Time wounds all heels.


#14

“Take what you have learned about human nature and move on. That’s your gift to yourself” as Liberanosamalo rightly say and is the reason why I came back to this thread.
When we begin our spiritual lives we have such great aspirations, to be good, to become holy…and we may not even be able to imagine ourselves as making mistakes or even sinning…so the gift here is that you know yourself better, and your need of God even more. But it also means a person may have more empathy to anyone who falls into any moral trap. While there might be that secret little part of self one wouldn’t like to admit to is there, a little tendency to feel better than others, a mistake or sin tells one that, no I can’t judge anyone or feel in the least holier, because I too can fall or slip. Thus not only will one be more humble and watchful, one becomes more sympathetic to others.

So yes, it is a gift, and a springboard to realistically grow as a person and a Christian.
It could have been worse. It could have created lifelong consequences that occur for many…there used to be a saying, “only the good girls get caught.” I don’t know if people still use that saying. But though you got your wings a little muddy as St Therese says, you were protected from anything more serious…and from greater harm.

God, You know that I deeply regret my sins and failures. You know that I am often saddened by my mistakes and inability to achieve much that might please You or bless others. Yet You know my resurgent desire to live Your commandments of love for God, for others and for myself as You love me. I know that You pardon my sins and heal the damage they cause.

I know that You love and delight Yourself in me who seems intrinsically unimportant, one of countless billions of average persons throughout time. I know that in Your merciful love, You give me true faith in You and true knowledge of You; You make me a living tabernacle, an overflowing chalice of Your love, a powerhouse of prayer, and an open doorway to God for others.

I know…for “God is asking me, the unworthy, to forget my unworthiness and that of my brothers, and to dare to advance in the love which has redeemed and renewed us all in God’s likeness…to laugh, after all, at the preposterous idea of ‘worthiness’” Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander, Thomas Merton. I know these things of Your great LOVE in whom “everything is possible”.


#15

Wisdom of true conversion

Our God, I know that Your love can free me from the self-imposed need to force my inclination and emotions into a pattern of love and virtue. Give me grace to strive faithfully, while trusting my efforts into Your care, allowing You to love me and to love others through me.

I do not seek to be ‘virtuous’ or ‘exemplary’. I seek to be to be Your living tabernacle.
Let me not be ‘candle’, but part of Your light that dispels all darkness.
Let me not be ‘wise’, but absorbed into Your wisdom and truth.
Let me not be ‘peaceful’ or ‘trusting’, but resting faithfully in Your peace and joy.
Let me not be ‘productive of good works’, rather, let me be responsive to every facet of Your love for me and for others, as vehicle of Your goodness for them.

I ask this true conversion of You, for “At night my soul longs for You and my spirit in me seeks for You.” [Isaiah 26:9]

Offering

Our God, I offer You my abilities and achievements.
I offer You my failures and deprivations, with my love that gutters and flares, and with my flickering insight.
I offer You my faith and hope that repeatedly requires renewal.
Along with my prayers and efforts to love You and others, I offer You the intercession and thanksgiving that I fail to make, and my inadequate service and worship.

I offer You everything, including what I am most reluctant to relinquish or to face—trusting that in Your loving-kindness You will deal with all these things to their best disposition. I ask that You will free me from anxiety regarding success or failure in my life or apprehension for my loved ones. I commit these to Your care.

I trust that Your Spirit will assume freedom to love and trust, to live and move in me. Then, as beautiful, vibrant witness and channel of You to each person that I encounter, or for whom I intercede, my life will worship You.

Grant me faith, constancy, hope and love, even where I feel none. Make me an overflowing chalice of Your love, a living tabernacle of Your presence, a powerhouse of prayer, and an open doorway into God for others. I may not hope in myself, Jesus, but I adore You and hope in You for my loved ones and for anyone You desire to draw into Your love through our lives.

In my weakness You are strength

Jesus, thank You for those who see my faults or misunderstand my motives and who thus reveal my need for conversion and healing. I repent my unworthiness, and ask that You offer me as gift to God in each broken moment restored.

Gather up my lost moments, Jesus! Cleanse and shape them with my sorrow merged with Your sacrifice. Burnish and set them with Your forgiveness, and illuminate them with Your love as treasures of witness, intercession, and atonement! Thus, make my flawed life into a gem of praise, service and delight for You in the Communion of Saints.

Praise to You, Jesus, who make treasure out of ordinary and fallen human beings!

“**I live in a high and holy place, but I am also with the contrite and humbled spirit, to give the humble new life…I will heal and console him.” says the Lord God.” **[Isaiah 57:15, 18]
In my ‘little way every thing is most ordinary; all that I do, little souls must be able to do likewise. (Saint Therese of Lisieux) Her little way “is the way of Spiritual childhood…of trust and absolute self-surrender.”


#16

Gospel virtues

Our God, please fulfil my desire to be the person You want me to be. Claim me for Yourself so that Your love triumphs over my sinful habits and selfish responses.

As I keep faith with Your Creation by proper care of my human needs, please help me to abstain from unchristian attitudes and activities. I want to attribute to each spiritual, mental, and physical gift and achievement, its rightful service, without pride, envy, or creation of artificial needs in self or in others.

Grant me a chaste heart that loves generously without subterfuge, sin, possessiveness or selfishness. Grant me to respect the goodness of Your Creation in others’ lives and mine, in chastity appropriate to my state and circumstance. Thus, my soul prepares for Your vision and already breathes Heaven’s life.

Let negative thoughts and imaginings never dominate even my darkest moments, for gloom demonstrates absence of faith and curtails Your expression of love in me.

In place of self-doubt, please give me peaceful faith in Your will, so that I honestly accept my humanity, and trust You to win goodness out of failures and situations that appear hopeless.

In humility and obedience, I no longer have cause to be fearful or defensive. Pride and self-will evaporate before compassion for others. Doubt disappears before growing faith. Irritation and hasty judgement dissipate within generous patience and understanding. Loss and hurt quickly flow into acceptance of Your will and compassionate serving of others. Self-indulgence fades before reparation and appropriate self-discipline, to make me a channel of Your love to others.

I want to meet others joyfully, with unselfish love. I want to apply the kindliest interpretation to other’s intentions, regardless of appearance. I want to forgive gladly the instant offence occurs. I want You to bless those who offend me as bounteously as You bless those who benefit me. I want to face another’s negative behaviour with warmth and sympathetic kindness, and to fulfil another’s true needs cheerfully. Please grant these hopes

Behold me as I am, our God, with all that I would withhold from You and conceal from myself. Take me, God, with my faults along with the good already received of You. Have mercy and forgive me for all offence and failure. Let Your love flood over my lukewarmness. Use me as I am, and with each moment’s service convert me anew that I grow increasingly centred in You.


#17

I believe the best advice people have given you here is not to speak with him, and to make your life the best you possibly can.

I am going to add that you should also save those harassing emails, and also print them out to keep in case they send you some more. If they continue to harass you, make sure to document each incident and save them if they are sent electronically. That way you have evidence if you need to show the principal again or pursue legal action.

God bless. Prayers coming your way!


#18

**“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:” (LK 6:37)

Forgive and forget, it sounds like you have a great man who loves you! Focus on Jesus and loving those you meet every day!!!**

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark


#19

I’m no psychologist, but it seems to me that the reason you are hurt is because you are mad at yourself for the decisions you made. I think other people are right in that you should not confront him about it. You should just try and forgive him and let it go. But most importantly you need to accept that no matter how much you try to use him as an excuse, if you went against your beliefs, went too far, etc., it is ultimately your own fault. No one can force you to go against your beliefs, you have to consent to it of your own will. Until you accept that and learn to forgive yourself for what you did I don’t think you will find the healing you seek.


#20

I agree with the previous poster. But please don’t be so hard on yourself. Go to confession, do what you gotta do, then move on. Don’t beat yourself up! We all make mistakes, we all fall, pick up the peices and move on-and stay positive!


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