Boyfriend sleepovers


#1

Hi, I am new to this site and I’m looking for a little advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. I recently got a job in another state, and my boyfriend and I will live over 50 miles away from one another. I will be living on my own.

My question is- is it morally acceptable to allow him to stay over when he visits, since it is such a long drive, especially at night? He would sleep on the couch, in another room. Also, I am in my mid-twenties years old and we have remained chaste through the duration of the relationship, and we are frequently alone. Does anyone know what the Church teaches on this, or where I could find some guidance? Thanks! :slight_smile:


#2

It would be much better if he can stay with friends when he visits you. I would not suggest that he stay with you - that’s not a good idea.

Oh! Welcome to CA! :smiley:

~Liza


#3

You have remained chaste thus far, which is commendable. After long periods of separation, however, the temptation to sin might be more powerful. We are counseled to avoid near occasions of sin, which a sleep over could easily turn into.

I believe that you and he would continue to remain chaste, but there is another issue that you need to be aware of – avoiding the appearance of evil. Your friends and neighbors might see him spending the night in your house and assume the worst. This error on their part could lead to all kinds of sin, gossip, dirty thoughts, being judgemental, etc.


#4

If you really think you can avoid certain situations, then I don’t see anything wrong with it…and it would not be sinful…BUT…BUT…It would be considered a ‘near occasion to sin.’ Which means, the sticks and the matches are there–now you just have to light the fire. If you didn’t have the matches, it would be much harder to start the fire. I agree with lizanne…he should stay at a friend’s. Why play with fire? :wink: Just our 4 cents!:slight_smile:


#5

Well, my boyfriend sometimes sleeps on the couch at my house, because we live 90 minutes apart by train, and the last train is pretty early. However, we figured out pretty quickly that it’s much better if either he or I invites another friend or two over, just to avoid any temptations. Luckily I have a spare bed, a couch, and a few extra blankets for the floor, so I can sleep at least four at my house. With just us around, yeah, there is a risk of giving in to temptation. With an extra friend or two there, too, temptation is the last thing on our minds. However, it does make it more difficult to have serious conversations when there’s almost always two or three people there with us.

And the other responses are right - it does lead to gossip. My neighbours do notice that I have friends, male and female, spending the night at my house. Because I’m a visible minority (white girl in Asia) they probably assume the worst anyway, and figure I’m a real swinger. :eek:


#6

50 miles is not that far. I really don’t see a need to have sleep overs to begin with.


#7

You can do what my grandmothers did in her day, stich him tight in his sheets. hehehehehe. She still laughs at that so Im not sure how good it works:p .
Honestly though it depends on you. Some people have the drive of dead kittens others have a cat in heat mentality. Be true to yourselves and plan accordingly…


#8

I’d be careful but I have done it in the past. When I was still with mine and he came to my prom, there was no way he would have been able to get back to where he was staying that late at night, so he stayed at my house, in my brother’s room. No temptation w/parents;) Then, when one of my guy friends invited me to hang out with him on New Years Eve, my parents flat out told me to stay over (I’m a college student and was home for break) because the roads would be unsafe. Sadly, New Year’s Eve was not in the cards for us, but I would have stayed over and have no qualms about it simply because he’s proven his integrity to me many times in the past, he’s probably more Catholic than I am, and he’s very protective of me and probably would not want to risk my safety on the roads. Obviously, I would have stayed on the couch or in a guest room or something, for mere modesty’s sake. But if I did go over, I would have no problem staying with him.

I’m not going to be quick to say no. I’d say really pray about it and consider issues of scandal, temptation, etc. This is definitely a gray area and the necessary things to consider are, Can this help him on his way to God? Me on mine? Am I going to be too tempted? Will he? It’s not a question of right or wrong, it’s a question about what would be the most loving.


#9

Stay strong My Dear! My Lovely and I have…we will be married this year. Since April, we have lived about 800 miles apart. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Anyway, just evaluate your relationship thus far. You truly know whether or not there is temptation. If there is any at all or if there are other realistic options, then he should stay somewhere else. If he does stay with you…Sofa City Sweetheart! Remember: “If you didn’t want to go to Minneapolis, why did you get on the train?”


#10

I would say find other arrangements with friends you have in town if at all possible to stay there. Or like others said, you may have a couple of friends over so it appears to be just friends hanging out (I think it goes beyond the idea that it is scandal because people can make up any type of ridiculous thoughts to make it appear that way… with the just the two of you they have credence, but after that, people are going way too far and it is not our fault).
Absence does make the heart grow fonder and you may find yourselves with greater temptation than previously. If you do have him stay over with others, stick with the idea of seperate rooms, and make sure you limit alone time… do things as a group :thumbsup: .


#11

First off, I’d say you’d probably be just fine if you slept in separate rooms, and you haven’t had any trouble with temptation before. However, there is your reputation to think of. This is the reason my boyfriend REFUSES to sleep in the same room with me, even if we had separate beds, or in the same house if there are no other people in the house that night. It’s not that he’s worried about being tempted, but he wants to protect my reputation. For the same reasons, he turned down a FREE week-long trip for two to Florida. The only person he wanted to go with was me, and after much thinking and praying he realized it was not worth risking my reputation like that, even if we would have been staying in separate hotel rooms. Oh, and we’re also in a long distance relationship.
So, why don’t you see if a guy friend would be willing to put your bf up for the night, or let your bf stay in your house, and you stay with a girl friend. Whenever my bf visits me in residence, I let him have my bed, and I sleep in one of my girl friend’s rooms.
Good luck with this, I know how annoying it is, but it will be worth it in the end! And think of the example of purity you’ll show to others in your life. :slight_smile: You might inspire another couple to behave more chastely.


#12

i think you are the only person who can really answer the question of whether he should sleep over on these occasions as you and your boyfriend are the only ones who know what your ability to um…curb. your sexual feelings are.

If when you are alone together normally you are not tempted i dont see much of a problem with him staying over but taking some precautions such as maybe

  1. not wearing a nightie or any other revelaing night apparel
  2. maybe both of you keeping your daywear on until you both are going to bed ( i know that sounds stupid but sleep wear can be pretty attractive:blush: )
  3. not being overly affectionate in a physical way with one another as you are preparing to go to sleep

they sound like silly things but they all help in relieving the pressure i think.

but yes i dont think any issue with NECESSASARY sleepovers as long as you both are strong in faith and conviction.

God Bless

rebecca


#13

um in reply to all the comments about 'what other people will think if he sleeps over ’ does it matter at all?!??!:confused:

i feel like the opinion of other people doesnt count much in my books as anyone i know and that i value the opinions of would never believe that if my boyfriend stayed the night that there was anything unholy in it at all!!

the opinions of anyone that chooses to spread such rumours or choose to believe such things are invalid in my books. If they want to think the worst of people thats their problem.


#14

Yeah, but don’t forget, the Bible says that those who give scandal are better off with a millstone around their necks at the bottom of the sea. Something like that. I think it was Jesus who said that.


#15

can you explain that a bit better? i dont really understand…i dont know what a millstone is for a start
:blush:


#16

Matthew 18, 6 and 7: Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of things that cause sin! Such things must come, but woe to the one through whom they come!

(A millstone is a huge stone they once used at a mill to grind grain. It’s big and heavy.)

What I am saying is that, even though He also says (in Matthew 7:1) that we should not judge, lest we be judged, he’s also saying that our behavior as Christians should not cast doubt on our faithfulness. If Christian men and women should not be “living together” until marriage, then they should not give the impression that they are, no matter how innocent the circumstances may be.

The world is ready to believe that any dating couple is engaging in sexual relations because so many do. Therefore, I feel that Catholics, especially, have a responsibility to go beyond whatever is convenient and make an effort to show that they are NOT doing as the world does. It’s a way to witness to our faith.

My $0.02. :shrug:


#17

If you’ve stayed chaste this long, don’t do anything to risk it!

Make other arrangements. —KCT


#18

now that i understand what you are saying i completely agree with you…wait for it…but (hha) 50 miles is a long way and i think in this circumstance the occassional sleepover (as far as i understood these are 1 night sleepovers not days or weeks at a time ) is almost unavoidable as if it was me, i would be unable to sleep for worry of my boyfriend driving so far in one day esp if it was at night.

i am bad enough as it is, my boyfriend lives 35 mins away and i say the rosary til i know he is home safe when he is driving at night cos i want him to be extra safe (not that i can change anything, its all in God’s hands)

although i have had a bad accident in a car when i was in grade 12 and i never really have gotten over it, i really should have died but i came out with a chipped tooth!! thank you Lord for protecting me!!


#19

My husband used to drive almost 100 miles, one way, to see me for an hour and half between the end of my workday and the start of a college class when we were dating. Then he’d stay with a friend overnight and leave at 5:30 in the morning to get back to his job by 7:30. He’d do this once a week on Wednesdays and come down on the weekends from Friday night to Monday morning (always stayed with a friend, never at my house, even though my parents were always there.) He always said that Wednesday visit was what got him through the week (and me, too, to be honest! :o )


#20

Half an hour drive? I think he should be able to get home at night. My bf drives 2 and a half hours when he comes to see me, and still will come for only 1 day. Half an hour is nothing. :stuck_out_tongue: Try to relax a bit, it sounds like you might be over worried about what is (in my books) not that long of a car drive.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.