Break Off the Engagement?


#1

A friend of mine is engaged to a man who she thought was a great guy, but he recently confessed to her that he had an impure thought about another woman. Jesus said that this constitutes adultery, and I think maybe she should break off the engagement. What do you think? Can a man who commits adultery even before the marriage ever be trusted?


#2

At least for now.

Either he radically changes now or that is just the start. :mad:


#3

I don’t know. One impure thought doesn’t make you a terrible person. We all sin, at least some of the time. Has he been to Confession?

If he’s truly repentant, I wouldn’t make too much over it. If he actually went out and slept with her, yes, I would break it off.


#4

Need more information. There’s a difference between an impure thought that gets pushed out the mind ASAP, dwelling on that thought, and an actual sexual act. How does your friend feel about it?


#5

Is this for real?

Jesus said if you COMMIT ADULTERY in your mind you have committed adultery. He did not say that about “impure thoughts” which some would consider TEMPTATION.

We don’t have enough information to make a judgment in this specific case, but come on. A man who is able to share/communicate that intimately with his intended? Kick him to the curb?


#6

**

That’s a little harsh! First off, we don’t know one single thing about this situation.

Did this man have a random thought pop into his head and did not entertain it yet felt so guilty that he “confessed” to his bride to be? If that was the case I think she should hold on to him!

If he was looking at porn then maybe the engagement should be postponed to make sure it was only a one time thing.

If he does not show any remorse and only “confessed” so that he wouldn’t “get caught” then dump him and run far away.

We all sin. We can all be forgiven if we are only repentant.

And how is it that the OP knows this information. From the screen name it appears he is male. What is an engaged woman doing telling intimate details about her fiance to another man?:ehh:**


#7

As stated above (we don’t have the full story), this isn’t enough reason to break things off.

If it’s a single occurance (or even if he gets them from time to time), and tries to dismiss them, then this isn’t adultery. I’d say most people, single, married and ordained get these tempations from time to time.

It only starts becoming sinful when one starts to willfully day dream about this type of stuff. And even then, I would only consider breaking it off if it became a regular occurance.

If these thoughts acutally manifest themself in masturbation, porn, fornication, etc. then that’s a bigger problem.


#8

Is this a joke? A fallable human male has an impure thought about someone other than his financee. He loves her enough to tell her about it and you are asking if she should break off the engagement because it’s adultery… don’t take that verse literalistically. It’s a sin and continued sins can cause problems but if he told her then he is better than 90% of other men. It’s not the exact same - read the rest of the NT. Christ also said call no man Father which taken literalistically some Protestants try to use against us because they are focused on one verse rather than the whole.

No she shouldn’t break off the engagement unless he told her that because he loves this other person and wants to break it off.

A passing fantisy is just that… If people got divorced or broke off marraiges every time a man had an impure though, no one would be married. I believe you may have some issues with scruples or she does if this is truly a serious issue. If she is going to get that upset everytime he looks at someone else, then maybe she needs to break it off and consider religious life because no man is going to be perfect. If he knows she is that hung up though, it could be he told her because he thought she would break it off.

If he physically cheats, has an affiar etc… that’s completely different - break it off. Otherwise, they need to talk about it, together, then with their Priest as they do their marraige preparation to figure out the reason he told her.

Joe


#9

Absolutely!!

Sheesh - no wonder so many women complain about finding the “perfect man”. With standards that high it’s a wonder anyone can find a husband!!

Going simply by the OP - assuming this is a one time thing and he thought it important enough to “confess”, then it sounds like he’s a good guy to me. He didn’t keep it to himself, he didn’t continue the practice.

Men are not perfect, they can’t just turn off their ability to be attracted to women, but they can control it. To think that, based on only what we know in the OP, that he would be kicked to the curb is just absurd…and so very sad.

As if in a marriage something like this would NEVER happen!!! :rolleyes: That is a totally unrealistic idea of life and if that is the case, perhaps this couple is not ready for marriage.

~Liza


#10

Totally agree. :thumbsup: The pure fact that he ‘confessed’ it shows that he is a good person - a good man. Various thoughts come into people’s minds all the time. The difference is entertaining the thought or brushing it aside once it does come into a person’s head.


#11

I have to agree with Joe and Liza,
She’s has a keeper! (Assuming his faithful intent is to change)
Too many people, men and women do not understand the “nature” of the human male and how it differs from the female nature. And we are DIFFERENT. Our “nature” may encourage us towards sin and it is up to us to stop that natural thought from progressing to sin, i.e. natural attraction to lust.

It is said that mans character can be found in the difference between the first thought and the second.

I applaud this man for confiding in his spouse to be, as I would guess that 99.999% of married couples do not do this. This is a form of intimacy and spiritual growth that we as a society do not discuss. What a real chance at growing together in this most secretive area of our lives, our sinfulness. How can we help each other as a spouse if we don’t know what is wrong or where it emanates from?

While I don’t agree with everything on it, I think all men and women over the age of 18 should listen to Dennis Prager’s 1st cd on** “The Nature of Men’s Sexuality” **(dennisprager.townhall.com/ or dennisprager.com )
I know what my human male nature is like, it is like every other male nature more or less, but 99.9999% of women don’t really know what that is. This cd will clarify that real quick and hopefully will help strengthen many marriages with true understanding.

What you know, you can fix.

forums.catholic.com/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif
:thumbsup:


#12

If he’s smart HE will break off the engagement.

In the same passage you/she quoted, Jesus equates anger to murder. “You have heard that it was said to your ancestors, ‘You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, ‘Raqa,’ will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna” (Matt 5:21-22).]

You ever call someone a fool? an idiot? a maniac? (I can hit all of those on the freeway going to work.) I guess we’re all going straight to hell, right?

Do you think that just maybe Jesus wasn’t being totally literal here? I mean how many people have you seen who have followed his command to pluck out their eye or cut off their hand? If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna (Matt 5:29-30).

So what do we have here? A man who admits a minor failing. And a woman who has no sense of judgment either in terms of him or – even worse – telling it to someone else. She obviously can’t be trusted. And in her case it’s due to ACTIONS not to a passing THOUGHT.


#13

I think we need more info. I honestly don’t know a man who doesn’t have some inpure thoughts. These are temptations. If you dwell on them, then they are sins. What were his intentions of telling her about his thoughts? I don’t think we can assume anything without more info. Perhaps he can speak to a priest? Or the both can?


#14

I say break off the engagement. There are two possibilities:
[list]
*]If this was a significant indiscretion, then he is not ready for marriage.
*]If this was a trivial matter, then her blowing it out of proportion shows she is not ready for marriage.
[/list]
Either way, one of them isn’t ready for marriage.


#15

Based on the information you’ve given, no, I do not think that she should break off the engagement; however, personally I think unless she asked you to post this poll, it’s really none of your business, or any of ours, for that matter.


#16

**
Nothing in the original post suggests she blew anything out of proportion. Right now all we know is that she is guilty of sharing intimate details of her husband’s struggles and their relationship with another person. She needs to realize that doing that is very wrong and could destroy the relationship.

It is the OP who has really taken a warped view of all of this.**


#17

My thought is this, an impure thought does not constitute lust. As previous posters have said, as long as he does not dwell on it, it probably does not constitute a sin of any sort.

But here is an entirely ficticious scenario, if the fiancee went to the girl friend and said, “oh, honey, I saw this immodestly dressed woman and it put such thoughts in my mind!! But I only love you, but I’m just so hot as a result of this thought, maybe you and I . . . .”

Then, I would say it is time to put on the brakes, because it has gone from one impure thought to lust to improper sexual behavior outside of marriage.


#18

Well I would have to say it is great that he was honest with her, and told her the truth. If he was hiding it then you would have real issue. Everyone sins, we all have sinful thoughts everyday.

The struggle with lust is the largest among men. Over 50 percent of men who attend church and have a relationship with God, also deal with some form of sexual addiction. Does that make it ok? No, but does that mean we need to support each other more? Yes.

If she breaks off the engagement because of his Honesty, all that will do is reinforce the idea that deception is the best way to keep things together.

Unfortunately many in the Church today have no idea how many men fight the battle of pornography and sexual addiction. We throw these men to the curb, but have no problem forgiving the alcoholic his addiction or the drug addict his.

I for one applaud the man who told his girlfriend/future wife what he was dealing with. She has an honorable man there and should be proud to call him her husband.


#19

He looked at another woman and had a impure thoughts! How can that not be lust? :confused:


#20

I agree.

It is very *human *to deal with temptations, and it sounds to me like the man in question was confiding some of his struggles to his fiance. Why should we assume he was unrepentant or that he would continue to willfully entertain such thoughts in the future? Not at all a reason to break of the engagement!

As to the OP, it is very strange indeed to me that there is a third party so intimately involved in the lives of a soon-to-be-married couple. I am thoroughly convinced that every man and woman, however “good,” deals which such thoughts from time to time. And they won’t cease after the wedding day. Openness with each other about them along with a firm commitment to the other is what is essential. To ask for anything more is totally unrealistic.

ETA: As someone who will be married this week, please, OP, do NOT offer your two cents on breaking off the engagement to the bride or groom. It is simply out of line in this situation, and depending on how long it is until the wedding, you could cause quite a bit of emotional anxiety. Just pray that they follow God’s will for their lives, and trust that they have the best ability to discern what that is.


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