Break-up Confusion


#1

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but I really need help. Basically, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up a month ago after being in a long-distance relationship for a year (and friends living in the same place prior to that). We had talked about marriage a lot but felt like our relationship couldn’t really progress when we didn’t actually live in the same place and felt that neither one of us were at points in our life where we could easily quit our jobs/school to move (we’re both 24/25). I eventually offered to move, but he felt like he wasn’t ready to have me sacrifice all of my previous life plans for him. He broke up with me but kept insisting that he wanted to remain friends. I was less enthusiastic about this plan given how difficult it can be to let go of a relationship in that type of situation but eventually agreed. He is a good guy, so I thought that if we both made an effort to be conscientious of the other’s feelings, things would be fine.

Everything was going well until this week when I ended up getting stuck overnight at an airport ~45 minutes away from his house. It was a complicated situation, but I basically needed to get from one airport to another one approximately an hour away. Because the flight cancellation was due to weather, the airline wouldn’t help me. The rental car companies were completely sold out of cars, so I was left as a 24-year-old female stuck in a city at midnight without much money trying to get to where I needed to be the following day. I tried to contact him to find out what he knew about the public transportation in the area (I also don’t have a smart phone, and the information booths were all closed since it was late). He completely ignored me. Needless to say, I was incredibly hurt and angry and expressed as much to his voicemail the following day. To me, if you say that you want to be friends, you should follow through and behave like an actual friend. I know that he might have had reasons for not replying, but he wouldn’t even talk to me to tell me what those reasons were. He hasn’t replied to any communication from me since Tuesday now, not even to ask to be left alone. I would like to try to work through this stuff and actually be friends with him but obviously can’t do that if he’s not interested. Because a few other mutual friends also couldn’t get in touch with him, I started to worry about what might be going on last night. It’s so incredibly frustrating to be worried about someone who is likely just ignoring you. But because I’m both worried and still want to deal with this stuff so that we can be friends, I keep trying to contact him. I know that I’m probably just being annoying by continuing this, but I don’t understand why he can’t just reply saying absolutely anything. So:

(1) Please pray for both of us. It’s a tough situation no matter what and has gotten a lot tougher over the course of this week.
(2) Should I even bother trying to continue getting in touch with him? He doesn’t live terribly far from his parents and talks to them quite a bit, so I think that they would probably figure out if there was something really the matter. I'm just not positive about that.


#2

[quote="SeekingHelp700, post:1, topic:226804"]
I would like to try to work through this stuff and actually be friends with him but obviously can’t do that if he’s not interested.

[/quote]

Drop it. Don't contact him again.

"We can be friends" is a great big lie. You still have feelings for him, you cannot be his friend.

[quote="SeekingHelp700, post:1, topic:226804"]
Should I even bother trying to continue getting in touch with him?

[/quote]

no.


#3

Thanks, 1ke, that’s what I thought from the beginning. He just kept telling me that I was being a mean person every time that I said that I didn’t want to be friends. Then a priest told me that I shouldn’t cut people out of my life who were positive influences, so I tried to listen to him. Oh well.


#4

Are you sure he was actually ignoring you that night? It sounds like you might be jumping to conclusions, especially since you haven't been able to find out what actually happened and no one else was able to get in touch with him that night either. Just because someone didn't pick up the phone when you called doesn't mean they are ignoring you. There have been plenty of nights where I left my car in the phone accidently, or misplaced the charger, or did any number of things that prevented me from having access to my phone and was unable to see who may have called me for 12 hours or more. There's also the fact that you called in the middle of the night, and many people turn off their phones or ignore calls that late without checking to see who it is. He may not have been aware that you were stranded at the airport. If that happened and he woke up to an unexpected and very angry, scathing voicemail making it abundantly clear that you no longer want to be friends and have any contact with him, you can't really blame him for not returning your calls anymore. From his perspective, you blew up at him and accused him of being a bad friend for not responding in the middle of the night to a situation he didn't even know was going on so he probably does not feel your anger is justified at all. If someone did that to me, I would sure be angry at them too and not want to return their calls either (though I would still return them as a courtesy). You've made it very clear to him that whatever was left of your frienship is over for good and he's just complying with your wishes at this point.


#5

[quote="SeekingHelp700, post:3, topic:226804"]
Thanks, 1ke, that's what I thought from the beginning. He just kept telling me that I was being a mean person every time that I said that I didn't want to be friends. Then a priest told me that I shouldn't cut people out of my life who were positive influences, so I tried to listen to him. Oh well.

[/quote]

You have been cut out, ignored, and rudely abanded. Please don't be confused find someone nice to care about. I will pray for you and have only good will for you in my words and thoughts, but move on you will do better.


#6

I think you overreacted. If even his friends haven’t been able to get a hold of him, then he’s not ignoring you, at least not in the way you are perceiving he was. And now that you’ve left a very angry message, I wouldn’t be so quick to call you back either. Would you have reacted the same way if it was another friend that hadn’t responded in a timely manner, or are you holding the ex to some kind of different standard?

Unless I’m misunderstanding 1ke, I think she meant you can’t be friends with the ex because you still have feelings for him. The priest was correct in his advice that you shouldn’t cut people out of your life that have been positive influences, but you can’t have the ex in your life as long as you still have lingering feelings for him because its not a friendship at all. He’s an ex that you don’t have any closure with.


#7

I second 1ke; "let's just be friends" doesn't work out unless neither party has feelings beyond friendship for the other, and were that the case, there would not have been a relationship to begin with.


#8

I appreciate all of your comments. I spent a considerable amount of time that night trying to decide whether I was overreacting and praying for patience. I originally sent him a text asking for some information and left a voicemail, he replied that he had seen it, and then never replied further. So he for 100% sure was awake and knew the situation. The text that I sent the following morning said that we either needed to straighten things out or he needed to be able to acknowledge that we weren’t friends. We talked on the phone briefly on his way to work, he said he didn’t want to talk about it, but that we were still friends. That was the point at which I actually got angry. It drives me crazy when people want to say one thing but behave in a completely different fashion.

I’ve discussed extensively with my roommate/other friends whether I would have reacted the same way if it had been someone else. The problem is that I’ve been stuck at many airports over the past five years (I travel a lot) and have never actually encountered this problem; I am very blessed to have lots of spectacular friends all over the country who have graciously helped me out when, for instance, a snow storm got me stuck in Chicago for a day. I wish that I lived in a bigger city so that I could return the favor. Beyond that, I would not have been upset if he had just apologized the following morning. And none of my subsequent emails said that I didn’t want to be friends or hated him or anything like that. They all, in long-winded fashion, said “I’m ticked, haven’t been able to figure out your side of this story, and don’t know how to figure it out unless you speak to me. So please speak to me if you want to be friends.”

To clarify, our other mutual friends didn’t try to get in touch with him until yesterday and today when I started getting worried.

As far as being friends in general, I think that there’s just too much emotion on both sides for it to work at the moment. That’s what I tried to say from the beginning, but he was insistent that it was really important to him that we remain friends. I just wish we could have gone into the phase of not being friends wishing each other well rather than like this.


#9

Oh, and one last thing. I by no means think that I’m blameless in this whole situation. I am way too sensitive in general (with him, family, friends, and complete strangers). I was the kid who cried in high school because a teacher said that I was talking too loudly. I put a huge amount of effort into keeping this part of my personality under control. I also know that I was probably just annoying him by continuing to send emails or call. But there’s a difference between being annoying and being mean, and I really just wanted some acknowledgment that he 1) was alive and OK and 2) had accepted that we couldn’t be friends at the moment.


#10

I’ve been in situations similar to yours before and my experience is that when men don’t reply that means they are not interested (romance, friendship, whatever).
The ‘let’s be friends’ thing is very often a way for people who leave the relationship to not feel guilty about it.
If I were you I’d just forget about him. If something has happened to him you will hear about it, but it’s probably the case that he doesn’t want to be in contact for whatever reason. The worst thing a woman can do is humiliate herself by running after a man who doesn’t want her.
Getting over an ex can be really hard but I promise, you’ll feel better soon.


#11

I agree with everyone who is saying you really can't be friends right now. The only way that works out is if neither person has feelings, and it just takes some time to get to that point. Sometimes, it never works anyway.

It's possible too that he understands it would be too hard to be friends with you right now, even though he said he wanted to be. Maybe he realized that it was more difficult than he thought it would be. In the end I think you need to stop forcing the friends issue and let him go. It is hard to lose someone who has been such a big part of your life, but a break up is a break up. The only way you will ever be able to be friends eventually is if both of you take the time you need now to get over it.


#12

[quote="SeekingHelp700, post:3, topic:226804"]
Thanks, 1ke, that's what I thought from the beginning. He just kept telling me that I was being a mean person every time that I said that I didn't want to be friends. Then a priest told me that I shouldn't cut people out of my life who were positive influences, so I tried to listen to him. Oh well.

[/quote]

I believe the "let's be friends" line is a lie also, and it really makes the person saying it feel better, not the receiver of it. They think if they say they will be friends that then they are somehow being kind when in reality, it would be better in the long run to just end it. They don't want to appear to be mean so it is really about them, not you. Unfortunately, you put his "let's be friends" to the test, and found out he didn't mean it at all. I am sorry for any pain you are feeling over the breakup, but I agree with 1ke, don't contact him again.


#13

FYI for in the future when you present a situation and you want well formed opinions on a matter, please put ALL the information in your OP. Its not fair to us for you not to include the rest of the situation as you have in your post I quoted above. I certainly would have posted a much different response to your situation if you had included all the information from the very beginning.


#14

He has problems with himself. I'm inferring this from the fact he, "didn't want to talk about it," and the irrational silences.


#15

[quote="SeekingHelp700, post:1, topic:226804"]
He is a good guy,...

[/quote]

What about this situation makes you think that....?


#16

Break ups can be so confusing. I agree with what the other posters are saying: "let's just be friends" usually just makes the person saying it feel better, as if it's a nice way of saying "let's break up." I had an ex do that to me and it was incredibly difficult at the time. He kept insisting that we'd still be friends and would still talk to each other, etc. The thing is, I knew it at the time that he was lying through his teeth, but I didn't want to believe it. That only made the hurt worse when I did get around to trying to communicate with him again. It sounds to me that he really doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. I know you didn't want to cut out positive influences but try to think of it this way. This guy isn't necessarily a bad person. (He's made poor decisions and he's hurt you, but I know it's hard to think badly of someone you were so close to.) It's just not good for you to have him around because you can't think straight regarding him. And it seems as though he can't think clearly regarding you, either. The best thing for both of you is to get some space and move on right now. Hang in there, I know it's tough.


#17

Well it is very difficult to become friends, especially if you were intimate. If you look inside your heart and are actually pursuing this as a friendship, then be the friend to him that you want him to be to you. If, in your heart, you want the more than platonic friendship, which I am sensing, tell him. My appalogies for what you are going through, I pray that you get resolution.
May Christ support us all the day long, till the shadows lengthen, and the evening comes, and the busy world is hushed, and the fever of life is over and our work is done. Then in his mercy may he give us a safe lodging, and holy rest and peace at the last.
Amen.


#18

[quote="kbachler, post:15, topic:226804"]
What about this situation makes you think that....?

[/quote]

Women have that gift of seeing good things in us men that no one else can.


#19

Oh, dear, he has another "friend"... Time for you to get on with your life.


closed #20

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