Break up


#1

After much deliberation and prayer I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I came to realize that we didn’t truly love each other and that God wasn’t calling me to marry him. Unfortunately I barely had any strength to go through with the breakup because he and I have known each other for 6 years. So instead of properly breaking up with him, I did it over internet chat. I know, its lame. I never felt comfortable crying around him so I didnt want him to see my emotions and knew if I heard his voice, that I wouldn’t be able to go through with the break up. Now two weeks later he contacted me saying that he wants to work things out and can’t believe i didnt respect him enough to break up with him in person. He said the way I broke up with him goes to show how little I cared. He wants to visit me this weekend to go over things and see if we can work it out (we live 4 hours apart) even though I’ve told him not to. Should I meet up with him so I can properly break it off with him? or is the damage already done? Any advice at all? Especially from ones who are married or have been in a relationship for years? Thanks…


#2

Face to face is the only way to end a relationship. In private, unless you think he could get physical, then go to a public park or something.

You owe him that.


#3

The only thing is, I’d feel terrible for him having to drive 4 hours to see me just to have us officially break up and then drive 4 hours back home.


#4

Oh, I agree. Breaking up is a dreadful thing to do, and to drive four hours to hear that is sad.

BUT

Doing the right thing isn’t always easy.

Maybe you could meet two hours in or something?

Eventually, the excuses don’t mean anything. You either do the right thing or you don’t.

Praying for you.


#5

[quote="marie0014, post:3, topic:249696"]
The only thing is, I'd feel terrible for him having to drive 4 hours to see me just to have us officially break up and then drive 4 hours back home.

[/quote]

It's closure and decency. Breaking up via electronic communication is not nice or fair. It's not even valid in my opinion. Maybe meet halfway?

Second...you seem to be showing that you can't stand to hurt him. I'd really start to pray. Are your realizations truly from God?

However...if after two years you don't want to get married and you're not under 22/23 (eg. graduated college) then it really is time to break up. Two years...if they are quality is more than enough for a serious relationship. It can vary, but you're getting close to the decision point being overdue. (for two post college adults...for younger people it can be far longer)


#6

Yeah, I’m 24 and he’s 25. Everyone around us says that we’re great as friends but they see us being more friends than husband and wife. My family and friends say that it doesn’t seem like we were in love, I guess just the way we acted. I’ve been praying about this for a few months now and it seems like the right thing to do. I definitely do still care about him. He’s my best friend of 6 years. Which is why I definitely want to do the right thing. Meeting half way seems like a good idea. I just know that it will be nearly impossible to break it off.


#7

It’s never easy. By the way, if you thought it was, you’d be delusional.

Breaking up is often way harder on the one who is initializing it.

I’ve been where you are, virtually all of us have.

Prayers your way.


#8

I don’t know that any of us can advise you properly being that there are seldom one-size-fits-all answers to these sorts of questions. Nonetheless, since fools walk where angels fear to tread, I will proceed. :slight_smile:

I agree that it’s generally poor form to break up electronically after such a length of time, though I understand why you would feel compelled to do so in light of your personal resolve as well as the distance between you.

I am normally a big advocate of clean breaks and a moratorium on communications/meetings with one’s ex (at least for significant enough amount of time for healing to begin). But, in this case, I think that meeting him to offer closure would be a good thing. From those I have known who have been dumped in such a way, it is really difficult for them to move on when they haven’t gotten that in-person explanation. It makes them feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them.

I agree with the others’ suggestions about meeting halfway, if you can swing it. If he drives all the way there to meet you, it’s very difficult not to feel even worse than you already do about the whole thing. Now you would have to break up with him again knowing that he drove all that way and has to drive all that way back.

Plus, meeting half way will necessitate that you meet somewhere public and neutral. Having him come to your place for you two to talk it out alone probably isn’t the best idea, particularly if you feel there is at all a chance that he may talk you in to taking him back. Meeting halfway also reduces the chances of him getting his hopes up about a reconciliation you have no intentions of making. Likewise, it elimnates the possibility of him staying overnight because “it’s too late to drive all the way back” after what is likely to be a lengthy conversation.

All this said, if you sincerely believe that meeting with him poses a legitimate threat of pulling you back into a relationship that you know is never going to lead to marriage, then perhaps it would be best to not meet with him.

I find it somewhat sadly ironic that he observes that your method of breakup shows how little you cared for him, yet at the same time he seems determined to work it out with you and get back together. One would think that if he truly believed you don’t care, he wouldn’t want to get back together with you. :shrug: But I suppose affairs of the heart don’t always make sense. In fact, I know I felt the same way after I was dumped back in college. :o


#9

You have already made your acclamation lucid, so I would just forget about it, If youo have the intent of not going back with him, why reopen the case?

God bless you.


#10

[quote="marie0014, post:1, topic:249696"]
After much deliberation and prayer I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I came to realize that we didn't truly love each other and that God wasn't calling me to marry him. Unfortunately I barely had any strength to go through with the breakup because he and I have known each other for 6 years. So instead of properly breaking up with him, I did it over internet chat. I know, its lame. I never felt comfortable crying around him so I didnt want him to see my emotions and knew if I heard his voice, that I wouldn't be able to go through with the break up. Now two weeks later he contacted me saying that he wants to work things out and can't believe i didnt respect him enough to break up with him in person. He said the way I broke up with him goes to show how little I cared. He wants to visit me this weekend to go over things and see if we can work it out (we live 4 hours apart) even though I've told him not to. Should I meet up with him so I can properly break it off with him? or is the damage already done? Any advice at all? Especially from ones who are married or have been in a relationship for years? Thanks..

[/quote]

I have not read the rest of this thread... I want you to think about this... assuming it's actually what he said...

1)The way you broke up shows him how little you care about him.

yet

2)He wants to see if you both can work this out.

Perhaps??? One the reasons you're not feeling it with this guy, is because that sort of thing makes sense???? (to him, not you?) You don't love me, like me, respect me or care about me, but let's work it out...

Now, maybe you just don't feel comfy crying infront of anyone. But a guy that you'd marry??? He needs to be able to see the REAL you. You should be comfy enough with him for that.

The ball is in your court... I do believe a person deserves perhaps more than and IM... If you think you will see him, I think it's important to let him know in advance that you don't plan on "working things out"... that you're just willing to tell him to his face that you don't want to pursue this any further...


#11

[quote="marie0014, post:3, topic:249696"]
The only thing is, I'd feel terrible for him having to drive 4 hours to see me just to have us officially break up and then drive 4 hours back home.

[/quote]

What if you met him at a half way point? Somewhere public and neutral so things don't get too hairy or emotional.

You may have broke it off the wrong way but it's also not good to lead people on. Honesty is best and saves a lot a heartache later it's a lesson sometimes learned the hard way. :(


#12

I really want to second this. I think it’s very important not to give false hope. Be firm that you are not changing your mind but that, out of respect for him, you are willing to explain it in person.


#13

[quote="marie0014, post:1, topic:249696"]
I never felt comfortable crying around him so I didnt want him to see my emotions...

[/quote]

I stopped at that, to be honest. If that's the case, you're definitely not in the right place.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years, and I can tell you that it is indeed hard, but we were in a similar position, where our parents said we seemed more like friends than a couple, and reflecting back, I can see that now.

All of that being said, breaking up with him over electronic medium was a mistake. It has nothing to do with how lame it might seem, but everything to do with the simple fact that most of the "feeling" in conversation is through body language. He's probably more confused than anything, simply because that huge chunk in the equation was missing.

Although now that it's been done with, I think the important thing is avoiding each other to preserve both his and your sanity...:thumbsup:


#14

Thanks everyone for the great advice! I talked to him and gave him the option of meeting half way, but made it clear on the phone that it would be to discuss the breakup and there was no option of getting back together. He said in that case he'd rather not meet if there was no chance of reuniting. It's been a tough couple of days since we aren't talking, but he did tell me if I ever needed to talk he'd be there for me. I think the hardest part is knowing that he is a good person, and its not an easy "oh he hurt me so I hate him" type break up. Haha. So thanks again for all the prayers!


#15

Given the circustances I wouldn’t do it.

Now two weeks later he contacted me saying that he wants to work things out and can’t believe i didnt respect him enough to break up with him in person

Honestly you’ve already done the classless thing and broke up with him electronically; you can’t undo that act by breaking up with him face to face a second time.

If you firmly believe that you don’t belong together and rehashing it face to face won’t change it let him believe that you don’t respect him enough to do it in person. Doing otherwise will just prolong the pain and suffering you both feel now. Leaving it as it is makes the break “cleaner” and doesn’t give him the idea that there’s hope for reconciliation – because that’s what he’s hoping for with this meeting. Most likely he’ll be hurt and angry but he’ll be hurt and angry no matter what you do now.


#16

[quote="marie0014, post:14, topic:249696"]
Thanks everyone for the great advice! I talked to him and gave him the option of meeting half way, but made it clear on the phone that it would be to discuss the breakup and there was no option of getting back together. He said in that case he'd rather not meet if there was no chance of reuniting. It's been a tough couple of days since we aren't talking, but he did tell me if I ever needed to talk he'd be there for me. I think the hardest part is knowing that he is a good person, and its not an easy "oh he hurt me so I hate him" type break up. Haha. So thanks again for all the prayers!

[/quote]

It sounds like you handled it the best way possible at this point (because in these situations, it's tough to say "Glad it all worked out! :o). I'm sure it was difficult and will still be difficult, but with prayer and time it will get easier for both of you.


#17

I like the idea of meeting him someplace public and halfway. That way he can get his closure and you do not feel bad about him making the full trip. Yes, he does deserve the closure in person.


#18

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