Bringing up the topic of faith on a date


#1

Hello CAF, I have a big question before my first date ever. My friends have set me up with a very nice girl who they say is “nice, wonderful, and looking for and old fashioned guy like me”, I wanted to ask:

  1. Is it appropriate to talk about each other’s faith on the first date?
  2. How do I bring up the topic without sounding like a fanatical weirdo?
  3. And if she turns out to be outside of the faith, should/can I date her?

I am new to the catholic faith (I haven’t started RCIA yet) but I feel very strongly about my faith, and I want someone who I can share both my love and faith. Peace be with you all, and have a marry Christmas!


#2

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For your first question there is nothing wrong with discussing it on a first date, and some times your conversation will go in that direction on it’s own. You really just need to play it by ear though.

  1. Again if you end up in areas that could lead to you discussing the fact you are in RCIA in your free time or such you could bring it up that way, and then proceed to ask if she attends church. I personally can’t think of any other ways then using your RCIA as part what is going on in your life as a segue, but others might.

  2. First off yes, you can date her there are no rules against that. As to should you that is entirely a personal decision. It will provide some tension due to differences in beliefs and IF you were to end up getting married it would require talking in terms of raising children. But my mother married a Lutheran and they worked out just fine and I was raised a fine Catholic. So, it really depends on you. However, you should probablly focus more on getting to know her as a person first and then move on to what her faith is. If this ends up being your only date with her then the answers don’t really matter. I wish you the best of Luck.
    [/quote]


#3

Hi Link!

First of all, congratulations on your steps down the road to "coming home to Rome!" :) As long as you continue to feed your faith with good information (like the info you will find on forums like these, Catholic radio, good Catholic books etc.) you won't regret it. Your faith will grow stronger by the day.

I think you're going on a first date at a great time of year, because it's natural to talk about Christmas and what it really means to people. You can easily converse about that on your date and in the process, gently probe into her spiritual beliefs.

Anyone who's married outside the faith will tell you that it's more difficult for a "practicing Catholic" to be married to someone who isn't Catholic. I know, because I converted to Catholicism after my marriage to a non Catholic.

That said, if she isn't Catholic, you might actually find that she's open minded enough for the Holy Spirit to intervene and lead her down that road. If she isn't Catholic, and is actually ANTI Catholic, it's a different matter altogether.

You'll get some good advice here, but be sure to pray about the situation!


#4

WEll, my boyrfiend and I met on a group outing with mutual friends, and he talke a lot of Bible, so I knew by our first date that he was a devout Christian. On a personal level, I think there are subtle ways to bring it up. Maybe wear a crucifix on your date, or mention something about your church in passing. This at least lets your date know an idea of where you stand

AS for dating outside the church, a lot of people will foam at the mouth about how NO YOU CANT ITS WRONG OIUWEQWF. Bull. My boyfriend is a very devout Nazarene, and he is absolutely 100% chill with my Catholicism. Even agreed that if we ha children some day, he would be just fine with them being Catholic. It isn’t dating outside the church that’s a problem, it’s what KIND of church, more than anything. SOme religions just don’t get along well with Catholicism, and even then it’s some some people IN said religions. I’d think it would be a lt harder to date a fundemental Baptist than a Luteran, for exaample


#5

When my husband and I were first getting acquainted with each other before we officially started dating, we talked about faith and he made it obvious that his Catholic faith was very important. In his mind, he didn’t have time to waste and if my beliefs didn’t match up— in other words, being a Christian-- it wasn’t going to work.

Some people are very blunt with these things and other people aren’t. I personally think it’s important to make your values known from the start. What people often don’t realize is that even if the other person doesn’t agree with your faith, and doesn’t like the fact that the topic is discussed, one’s faith has helped shape the person that they are interested in! That person wouldn’t be who they are without their faith.


#6

I think you could try to bring it up in ways without being super obvious. How important is your faith to you? For me, I tried dating someone who wasn’t Catholic and that taught me that my faith and love for Catholicism is way too much a part of my life to have someone to not share that with. Now I would not ever date someone who wasn’t Catholic. I want my kids to be little saints, and for them to do that they need to see two strong parents in their faith. I’m not saying it can’t work the other way but I would want that support. Good luck and congrats for becoming catholic soon. Will keep you in my prayers


#7

Quick post - just saw this - what popped into my mind was - wear a symbol of your faith like a crucifix as a witness and a conversation opener!;)


#8

I would say by all means go ahead and talk about it. The point of dating is to get to know someone and if they aren't open to talking about something that is meaningful to you then they aren't a good match for you to begin with. :cool:


#9

Just to let you know upfront, every girl I ever dated was a devout Catholic and we both knew that about each other before dating. So you can take my advice with a large grain of salt. :wink:

I would say that it really depends. I wouldn’t recommend that you awkwardly tack on a conversation about the faith simply to check off that box on your mental checklist. Focus on getting to know each other. Those types of conversation will happen naturally on their own. Also, be attentive to her body language when the subject does come up. If she starts to squirm uncomfortably and change the subject, don’t force the conversation. Especially on a first date.

For me, though, it’s tough to talk about any of the important things in life without reference to my Catholic faith. So unless the conversation for the date stayed completely superficial, the subject would come up pretty quickly. Nonetheless, some people are more comfortable than others in revealing intimate things about themselves on a first date. Again, don’t force her to reveal personal things about herself if she’s not comfortable with it.

I would say, though, that if she says she is not Catholic, don’t start looking all dejected. :stuck_out_tongue: We’re all on a journey. Just because she’s not Catholic now doesn’t mean she never will be. If everything else seems to fall into place (and it certainly might not…first dates, especially blind dates, can flop), remain open. It’s just a first date. You don’t have to have her wedding dress picked out by the end. It’s just a starting point. Take it one step at a time. Does she seem like enough of a match that you both would want a second date? Then go on a second date. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. :wink:


#10

It's great that you already are committment to conversion in Christ. Many people are latecomers to that (some never attain it) and it makes for more difficulty in lifelong relationships.

I saw this 100 question pamphlet at a Christian bookstore and was impressed by the range of quesitons.

It's a "low tech" version of Match.com or Catholicmatch.com, however you have to supply the wisdom of which young lady would be your best lifelong mate. My prayers are with you in that selection process.

amazon.com/100-Things-Know-When-Dating/dp/1890947407


#11

[quote="Linkthemissing, post:1, topic:221350"]
Hello CAF, I have a big question before my first date ever. My friends have set me up with a very nice girl who they say is “nice, wonderful, and looking for and old fashioned guy like me”,

[/quote]

Lets clear this up first, first date you've ever been on or first date with this girl?


#12

I always bring up my faith on the first date. It is the most important and largest part of my identity and I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love the Lord. Good luck!


#13

[quote="SamH, post:11, topic:221350"]
Lets clear this up first, first date you've ever been on or first date with this girl?

[/quote]

My first date ever :blush:, thats why I'm kinda unsure about what to say.


#14

Im getting a lot of great advice! thank you everyone, keep them coming. :thumbsup:


#15

My opinion is, let it out! You said that your faith is very important to you and you'd like it to be a part of your future relationship. To do that, you will most likely need to date a Catholic - not just any Catholic, but a Catholic whose faith is important to her. Sure there are possibilities outside of that, but why go looking for a slim chance when you've got the opportunity to start out right? You are in a perfect situation - not just that you haven't started dating anyone yet, but also that you are at a point in your faith journey that it makes sense for you to be talking about it more than average.

The more dates you go on with a person, the more attached you are likely to get, and the harder it will be to break it off if you discover important areas of incompatibility. The way I see it (as someone who used this method of discovery when dating my now husband), the more important the aspect of the relationship, the sooner it should be discussed/addressed/discovered. This is because the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. Now of course, going on a date with checklist in hand is not the way to do it. But you should know what the major non-negotiable issues are for you, and it only makes sense to discover those things soon.

So bring it up. Don't go overboard, and don't ONLY talk about your faith. Talk about a couple of things that are important to you, and talk about a few things that aren't (just to have pleasant conversation - like you would with any new friend). And of course, ask her plenty of questions to give her the chance to let you know who she is. But definitely mention that one of the big things in your life is that you are going through the involved process of converting to Catholicism and how excited you are to be learning about and getting involved with your new faith. Ask your date what her religion is. Since it is close to Christmas, a good non-threatening question about faith can be about how she celebrates Christmas, or what Christmas was like for her as a kid.

One of 3 things will happen. ONE - you and she will find out that you're both religious Catholics (or almost Catholics) and you can connect on that level as well as continue to see if you are a good match in other ways. TWO - she will let you know that religion isn't very important to her or that it is important but she is a different religion, and you can enjoy the rest of the date but perhaps not move beyond friendship after that. THREE - she will like you less because of your enthusiasm about your faith. In this case, you will be lucky because obviously, she wouldn't be the one for you, and you won't have to let her down.


#16

What I said: "So, where are you with your faith?"

What he said: "I was born a Catholic, and I will die a Catholic."


#17

I remember one guy, on our second date - the conversation went something like this . . .

Him: So . . . you’re Catholic?
Me: Yes.
(a brief discussion on Catholic views on peacemaking - this was in the late 90s, so before 9/11)
then,

Him: What do you believe about birth control?
Me: I follow the Church teaching, I believe it’s wrong.

Funny thing . . . we had no third date! Hmmm :hmmm:. . . you don’t suppose? Surely not?!:eek:

My heart was soooo broken up . . .:rotfl:


#18

There’s something my best buddy and I refer to as the “Cath-bomb”: I avail myself of the soonest plausible opportunity to let it be known I wouldn’t have premarital sex even on gun point, that contraception is immoral, abortion is murder and in vitro is wrong on the premises, and yes, I’m absolutely serious of all this and willing to prove how wrong it all is.

Curiously, I’ve never not got a next meeting (I never use the word “date”, as I believe that in so far as something is a pronouncedly romantic relationship it should be exclusive in character), although I suspect I’ve been friended a lot in some connection with this.

And yes, this is the language I normally use on people and I have absolutely no idea why I’m single. :stuck_out_tongue:


#19

Definitely bring it up! I always do, but not in a crazy way, but I mention it in passing. Well, I have only been on 2 dates in the past year but both times I brought it up, both times I got the same reaction - a fake smile and the question “so do you like go to Church n stuff?” and not being contacted again afterwards.

Religion turns people off. Especially Catholicism. I am sure you can understand the reasons why. But I am glad. Sifts out those who have no faith and are not open to it. Often times bringing up your faith means that its the last time you will speak to that particular person. Which is alright with me :smiley:


#20

News, it actually draws people sometimes, in some strange ways. I once knew a Wiccan girl who was drawn to Catholic men for a reason she couldn't explain.


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