I have never fullfilled my sacraments in accordance to the catholic faith. i made sure After my father passed away his were completed and having a catholic funeral. Tho he had walked away from the Church. As a Son I feel my obligation has been fullfiled .. My Own Path And walk in the life of a catholic is slowly coming to an end. I want my children to experince a little of what it means to believe in something bigger than themselves to be held accountable for thier actions and walk in the Path of christ. There is only one church i know that will do these wonderful things for them.
For me its just the end ... I have suffered alot and been through alot and i feel like i have been left behind i feel that the lord can not be so harsh to any one person let alone me .. i have faced many challenges in my life and feel i have bared enough Pain for a life time. My father passing away hasnt been the easiest thing for me not devoulging to much lets just say he was my hero my best friend and my brother not in the litteral since .. But this man was alot to me ... he was in his late 50's ... still a young man .. in my eyes .. My grandfather also died around the same age .. My Mother diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis, my grand mother died from Cancer. My Uncle came out closest ..my Brother died at birth... i am tired of being pulled over by the police because i fit a profile. or harressed by police because i am a diabetic with syringes in my car.. << did you know thats a Misdemenor>> every time i fight for something right and sound everytime i fight for something i know in my heart is good it always back fires i believed i was doing the work of the lord by helping others ... i never ask for recognition i never ask for help.. i just do .. i am burnt out .. the only thing that matters to me is my wife and my 2 lil sons ... I feel there is no more room for god to make my life a joke. I keep looking to him for the answers didnt his son die for me for us.. hasnt there been enough suffering. oddly enough i have lost 2 good friends who were ran over by a train .. I have had a GF who Had an Abortion with out my consent .. i may not be the perfect man an i do not walk the straightest line at times i am human ... << thinking of a song >> Crooked halo ...
I have contemplated Suicided i have thought of driving my car in to a wall..hanging my self... those things will not make anything better it si selfish act and the only ones who suffer are my kids and the ones who love me .. I could never do it ,, but you bet ya i have thought about it ..
at 33 years of age i have gotten arthritis in both my knees i am dependant on medication and physical therapy i cant even run with my kids.. i cant get on all fours and play horsey ..
I am sure it sounds like a pity party well maybe it is but i just cant take it no more i have tried talking to priests friends and i get the same ol things same ol answers i gues i am not mentally sophisticated enough to Leave it at the cross, or let it be and you will be lead right ..
I dont know .. maybe i just need prayers.. because i feel like for me my Faith in Faith in God is just about a flicker away from burning out.
I apologize for rant and think it is foolish to vent my emotions out in a forum like this but maybe just maybe there is someone who could possiably give me those words the one thing i can look at and have a gleam of Promise an thought something i feel pretty desperate.
Saying there are people far off worse than me is not inspiring Because i know that ... but in my circumstance its not relevant. and if god is gonna test me the rest of my life to see how stong i am he is gonna lose and so am i ..