Broken Marriage and Lost Faith


#1

I need some advice here, on several issues. First a little back ground. I was unfaithful to my wife, which I will regret until the end of time. 1 year ago we seperated and in October got a civil divorce. I was a protestant and then just recently became Catholic, she was from a Catholic raising. We were married in the Catholic church.

Since we seperated, we have become very good friends… best actually. And were trying to work things out. But then, she fell in love with another man, who also happens to be a complete Aitheist. She knows it is wrong according to the church since we will always be married and her family has approached her about it. Her response has been to look for a different religion and I am afraid for her soul… both for the fact we are still married to the church and she has been in a sexual relationship and because she is looking to leave the church and I feel he is leading her away from God.

As I said, we are best friends (and both still love each other, but her love for me is more of just a care for a friend now) I am stuck with the problem of trying to help her keep her faith and also with the fact that I am hurting inside with depression from losing the one true love in my life. I want no one else in life, but know that I cannot change her heart, so I have to just be the best friend I can be… no matter how much it hurts.


#2

Read Hosea in the Old Testament.

Otherwise hang in there, and pray like you’ve never prayed before.

If you can struggle through this without losing your faith, you will be a hero to many who will say, “if he can do it, so can I.”


#3

How sad for you! I truly feel badly for you and for your wife. It’s obvious, as least to me, that she never really got over your infidelity, but at this point that is her problem, not yours. She ought to have truly put it behind her and let God heal the situation. That she was unwilling to do so says a lot about where she was/is at spiritually.

I’m afraid you can’t help her stay in the faith when she is determined to marry this other man even at the cost of her soul. So many people look first and foremost to this life for their happiness, but don’t find it–most certainly not by denying God. I’m afraid she’s just going to have learn the hard way unless a miracle happens. :frowning:

You will be in my prayers.


#4

I pray more now than ever before. Actually when I found out about this all going on is when I really began to turn to God… before I was an agnostic. It is very hard to just have blind faith, but I DO love the Lord and have faith in his plan on earth. If anything this is bringing me closer to God… something she always tried and I never did while we were married. Its odd how things pan out.

Thank you, I will definately go read Hosea.


#5

Have you considered asking her out on a date?


#6

Yes, I have. I actually live 1200 miles away now (she moved when we divorced) and when I am down there we spend lots of time together (just got back from being there 2 weeks) but she is completely faithfull to her new love and I am just a friend to her. She still made the time while I was there to see him for several hours every day, despite that I was staying with her.


#7

[quote=ashain]Yes, I have. I actually live 1200 miles away now (she moved when we divorced) and when I am down there we spend lots of time together (just got back from being there 2 weeks) but she is completely faithfull to her new love and I am just a friend to her. She still made the time while I was there to see him for several hours every day, despite that I was staying with her.
[/quote]

IMO, if she was truly being faithful to her new love she wouldn’t have spent so much time with you! If her other relationship is serious, there is no need for her to be spending time with male “friends.” You didn’t mention children, so I’m assuming there aren’t any.

Also, I am of the opinion, that it is extremely rare for BOTH a man and a woman to view each other as total “friends.” Odds are one of them sees more in the relationship.

Technically, from what you’ve said, you’re still married to each other and *neither *of you should be seeing other people (according to the Church).

Not really much advice, other than pray for her soul and ask God how you two might reconcile. Prayer, lots of prayer.

God bless,
Debbie


#8

You can have a mass said for her. Customarily you donate $10/mass. I’d spend at least as much as I spent on her engagement ring the first time around.

Oh, and get real serious about your Catholicism. Receive the sacrament of Confirmation if you haven’t already done so. Study up on the fruits and gifts of the Holy Spirit.

At Confirmation, you are a commissioned soldier for Christ. No good soldier is going to stand by while another man tears the heart of his marriage out.

Sometimes a woman can be hurt by her husband’s unwillingness to fight to keep her. By fight, I’m don’t mean to go and beat the snot outa the other guy - at least it hasn’t come to that point yet.


#9

We do have one child, which I why I stayed at their house on the couch. It was my reason for going in the first place. I do not date, as I said, I will always be in love with her and never desire to even look for another woman…

Her boyfriend was very unhappy about me being there… but got over it when I left.

We are just friends… that is all she will allow, and the way she feels, although I will never feel that is all there is there.

I am especially concerned with this new guy’s atheism and the fact is seems he is leading her toward the same path… alrready she wants to leave the church and find another, simply because the church will not annul our marriage. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a house were God is not worshipped, but I also don’t want a court battle with my wife, who I do consider my best friend.


#10

We do have one child, which I why I stayed at their house on the couch. It was my reason for going in the first place. I do not date, as I said, I will always be in love with her and never desire to even look for another woman…

HoooooooooBoya! Me thinks there woulda been fists flyin’ and bones crackin if I’d 'a been in that situation! And I would enjoy every minute spent in jail on account of it. And if I lost, I’d die losing, at least then my wife would be free to remarry.

Kinda like Solomon’s trial with the two mothers and one child. The true mother was willing to sacrifice herself for the child’s sake. So too would the true husband sacrifice himself for the marriage.

Now crack a beer, sit back and watch the flaming I’m gonna get for advocatin’ violence.


#11

LOL… I like your approach, and don’t think the thought didn’t cross my mind… but I spent a couple days in jail when I was stupid… just not worth it… well… maybe it is… but My daughter would benefit more by me at least being near her (I am moving down there before too long)


#12

Why don’t you propose to your wife? Even if she says no at this point, it will be at the back of her mind as she progresses in her relationship with the atheist. She’ll know that she always has another alternative to the life she might be choosing. A life that will, in the least, bring the greatest amount of security and happiness to her daughter.


#13

I have considered that route as well, and it is a route that MAY work, but I would want to make it actually special… more than when we first got married and as it is I am living by counting nickels… (spent half a month and all my money going to see them) I am trying to actually sell everything I own to that end… just to be able to TRY and move and make things work. Being a family again is worth more than anything in the world to me.

I really appreciate all the suggestions and support :slight_smile:


#14

but I spent a couple days in jail when I was stupid… just not worth it… well… maybe it is…

Now you’re thinkin’.

but My daughter would benefit more by me at least being near her (I am moving down there before too long)

This has to be taken into consideration. Or could she benefit by your example? Hmmm. Don’t do anything rash, but there is some thinkin’ to do.

I remember being told by an ol’ college professor that young men held their mothers with such high regard that if you called someone a son of a XXXXX there *was going to be *a fight. Which came first? The toleration of that phrase? Or the dimishment of the role of motherhood?


#15

There you have it Ashain. Propose to her, right in her own home, in the presence of this other louse.

Then you’ll look at least somewhat innocent because everything that happens thereafter would be self-defense! Hooo. I’m nasty! I better stop before I get booted off this forum.


#16

Wow…what a tough situation.
since you are on friendly terms, maybe you can speak to her "as a friend"
I’m assuming that during the period of your unfaithfullness she had no doubt in her mind about where you needed to go. I would bet she told you to go there a few times. :wink:

I’m guessing you have been to confession, and have had this sin cleared and no longer are in danger of going there. But now she is.

Let her know that you fear for her soul. You say she had tried to bring you closer to God during you marriage. Tell her now it is your turn. Do you share with her how much your faith has deepened? Tell her that you are praying for her.

Do you think its possible that she is using this relationship to “get back” at you.

Just continue to pray.

Arlene


#17

No, I really don’t think she is using this relationship to just get back at me. In her voice when she talks about him or when I was with her and she was talking to him on the phone I could hear the happiness and love in her voice. That is why I don’t know if I should just leave the situation alone… I love her so much that I am willing to give up my happiness just to make sure she is finally happy in life. She knows all my feelings, but they don’t make a difference, nothing I do does. That is why I have just turned completely to God and pray and contemplate many many times every day.


#18

[quote=ashain]No, I really don’t think she is using this relationship to just get back at me. In her voice when she talks about him or when I was with her and she was talking to him on the phone I could hear the happiness and love in her voice. That is why I don’t know if I should just leave the situation alone… I love her so much that I am willing to give up my happiness just to make sure she is finally happy in life. She knows all my feelings, but they don’t make a difference, nothing I do does. That is why I have just turned completely to God and pray and contemplate many many times every day.
[/quote]

And, for now just leaving her alone might be the best thing to do. You wrote in another response here that you will be moving where she is soon? Why is that? To be close to your daughter, I presume. But, will you be able to leave her alone if you do live so close? Are you sure it’s such a good idea to move? Just some questions for you to sort through, not for you to answer to us here whose business you have made only to the degree of advising you, but not of telling you what to do. That is between you and God and your confessor, not us. :wink:


#19

Doesn’t sound like your wife truly understands what it means to be married in the Church’s eyes. If she would be so quick to leave the Catholic faith because she can’t have her marriage to you annulled then she hasn’t been well catechized. She’s willing to leave the Eucharist - Christ himself - over this issue? Sounds extremely selfish and disobedient if you ask me.

I know that people leave the church everyday over issues like this, but they are reasons born out of ignorance of church teaching and ignorance of Christ’s love. She obviously doesn’t seem to care that she would be placing her soul in jeopardy if she remarries without an annullment. Does it not bother her in the least that the church would look at her as an adulteress? Moving to a different denomination won’t change the truth of the matter. She will only be fooling herself.

My advice is to give her some books on the faith and pray that she comes to see THE Truth - not HER truth. She is being very mislead by her boyfriend if she thinks she will be “happy” if she marries him and leaves the Church. You claim that you can sense that she is very happy with this man. I’m sure she is happy with him…but is being married to him going to help get her into heaven? As her spouse it is your job to help lead her to the path that leads to heaven. Isn’t that the REAL marriage banquet that we all thirst for in this life? Try to get her excited about what awaits her if she is faithful and obedient to the only one who truly knows and loves her more than any athiest or even you. Sounds to me that the relationship she needs to be working on right now is with Jesus. Not you, and especially not with her boyfriend.


#20

I am separated from my husband and have 3 children. My teenage children are devastated that we separated and forgive my ex-husband for being now with someone else. Their forgiveness doesn’t take away that they were and still are devastated that we no longer live together. Our 3 year old doesn’t know any different but now has to grow up in a single parent family without daily contact with her Father and a third person (his girlfriend) on the scene. Not a very good upbringing in my opinion. I fully support God’s and the Church’s teachings on marriage, divorce, etc. and hate what religious and moral standards my ex-husband is teaching my children by being with someone else. He is living with her but not married.
Perhaps you can use your child as a means to get through to your ex-wife as per above. Get her to think about your child and his/her needs ahead of her own needs.
I wouldn’t stand back and let it happen. God would expect you to fight for him. Even if she marries this other man, she still may realise she should be with you and leave this other man in the future to be where she is meant to be. Get her family on board putting pressure on her too.


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