I’ve been struggling to get over a young Christian man I’ve met over a year ago. At first, everything seems perfect. He may not be Catholic, but I thought he was fascinating. For one, he used to work for his church at the time and I remember him saying he used to help with Sunday school or something like that. And he is also incredibly smart and so easy to talk to. I was sure that I was falling in love with him, and I thought he was falling for me. Then after a petty argument a month and half after meeting each other, we started drifting apart. He began to talk about another girl–how he wants to be with her and how their families would get along with each other. He further states that because although he has this huge house, but little money, and she comes from a moderately wealthy family that the match would be practical and the best. My heart was beginning to break when I heard this. Then after this girl, he began to talk about another girl–another Christian woman he used to work with at his church–and remarked about how great her personality is. Then there was another girl… With each girl, I began to feel inadequate. I felt less intelligent, uglier, and a less than average girl.
And though a part of him want these other girls, he continues to lead me on. I remember how much he would tell me how much he adores me before these girls came along. But when the girl number one Kathryn came along, he began to isolate his heart away from me. I could feel him growing more distant, and I think I was too. I was scared to show how much I care about him. I was afraid that if I do display such feelings, that they wouldn’t return.
Stepping back, I realized he used me. I didn’t lose my virginity in the modern meaning of it, but I did feel that I lost it. I remember trying to stop that part of our relationship/friendship between us. I told him I wanted to be chaste, but he responded that we are both benefiting from this. He’s getting what he wants, and I’m supposedly getting what I want. But it wasn’t that I want, I wanted him. I should have took this a warning, but I overlooked it. It’s only later that I realize what were really his intentions: he only wanted me for his own pleasure, nothing else.
I loved him so much, despite how he used me. I miss how he would rattle off about how much he enjoyed a particular debate or how he tried to budget for a change. I even miss how arrogant he could be–a particular trait that rubs off the wrong way for most people.
Because I’ve met him online, I find it is so hard to discuss this with any my friends in real life. I don’t think they could sympathize with the fact that I fell in love with a guy who lives in the other side of the other world, in Australia.
I have struggled so much to get over him. It’s been about February/March of this year that I tried to move on. At first, I was full of anger, that I directed that anger to him when I still have that contact with him. But then I began to grow more depressed afterwards. I gained a bit of weight, about six or seven pounds. Sometimes I would go days without eating or limit myself to one meal or a day. I became antisocial and I would isolate myself from other people. I hated the thought of growing close to someone and then losing it all again.
And last month (October) I thought I finally got a hold of myself–that I found perfect balance. I’ve been trying to attend as much Daily Masses that I could and getting to know people in my Catholic community. And I remember while I was deepening my faith, I prayed for the guy who broke my heart that one day he would change and that one day he would become the man that God wants him to be. And I asked as I lit a candle for both of us that through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, the Lord would help burn away our pride, our selfishness, and our impurities.
But when I heard something from an acquaintance earlier this month (November 2008), my sense of harmony broke apart. I learned that during the time when he adore me, he was asking another girl lewd things of her. I am depressed all over again and all I want to do is just cry my heart out. I know–well, I thought–that deep down he was a good person, but now I don’t think he is anymore. Now I just see him as a manipulating, deceiving person who can’t be trusted. It hurts. And all I can do is think about him.
Please, please I ask that whoever read this to pray for me. It’s hard for me open up to my friends about this in real life. And I thought this was a great way to be open about things.
Please, Lord. I’m asking that You give me the strength to get over him. Please, help heal this broken heart. You are so great, Lord, while I’m so little. I know, Father, that it is only You who love me infinitely and that You are the only One who can show me how to love like You. Help me to learn how to give myself totally to You and how to have a relationship, so when I finally find the man You intended me to be that I will be capable of having a true, loving relationship based on You, O Lord. I love you Lord and I pray that I would grow in love for You everyday. Amen!
And please excuse any typos I had made in this post.