Brother just came out... need advice



My dad just had a talk with me. My brother who is 18 just came out to him and my other brothers. I am stunned and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to scare him away… but since he is over 18 now, all I can do is talk to him. Are there parents, brothers, sisters who has gone through this and have some tips for me?

I’m speechless, stunned and very sad at the moment. He’s the youngest and most loved in the family, I would die for him in an instance but now… all I feel are hurt inside. What is to become of his life?

Thank you,


Unconditional love is just that, unconditional.

My advice for the start of this is to be tactful in any discussion of acting on SSA being a sin. I’m not saying do not discuss it, just be wary. I speak having experienced things from the point of your brother.

My parents instantly slammed me over the head with debate, hellfire, brimstone and saying I was condemned to hell. Then they rushed me into various treatments (I was under 18 when I came out). I am still recovering from the mental damage that was done to me by the bizzare methods of treatment I underwent.

My relationship with my parents shattered because of this, it also caused me to run away from the church and I ended up living on the street rather than deal with my parents constant attempts to cure me, I had no peace of mind. I was told not to ‘dwell’ on my SSA thoughts and they’d go away, but the constant badgering over the issue merely insured that it was bouncing around in my head all the more.


I am the youngest of five. I came out twenty one years ago. My family never rejected me and just last year my brother said he would rather see me gay than mentally ill. I am treated like an equal in my family and all homosexual people should be treated this way.


hi ben,

i, too, recommend that you start with love – hey, brother, i love you. period.

it’s not necessary to jump all over the moral repercussions of gay relationships, because i’ll bet a million dollars he’s already gone around and around with it in his head. he probably knows everything you would want to tell him… but he may be afraid his family won’t love him. so love him. everything else can wait a while.



Contact for advice, guidance, and help.


He is still the same person you have always known and loved.

Let him know that you will still defend him to the death against anyone who ever tries to hurt him in any way whatsoever, because that’s just what brothers do for each other, no matter what.

You can also tell him that you don’t understand, really, but that you will always love him, and that he will always be your brother.


Love your brother unconditionally. He is no different now than the minute before he told you. The only thing different is your attitude or perception.

While I am not homosexual, I know three people who are. They all tell me that the Church’s attitude concerning their “intrinsic disorder” is completely unhelpful and alienating. They did not choose to be homosexual and they do not appreciate being thought of as “instrinsically disorderd”.

I would avoid both this language and this attitude.

God bless.


Embrace him, do not spurn him. If you need a few days to get over the shock, take it. He is family, that is a bond that should always be there. He is still as good of a person before he made this announcement as after it.

Keep close as all brothers should throughout life. You will both grow strongly out of this experience.


Obviously love and charity are the best course of action here. Don’t worry about trying to convert him. Pray for him. Even within our relatively lax society, he will have some tough days ahead.

This next question I ask with all due respect to those who are gay, and this is probably a reflection of my own ignorance so please forgive me if I offend; however, I’m curious to know why it is so important to out oneself to family? The reason I ask is that I never have discussed my sexual proclivities with my family. It’s really none of their business. I’ve always been curious why this seems to be very important to the gay person to do so knowing the anguish for the family that will follow. To what end does this very private aspect of one’s life benefit the relationship with family? I’m certain this is something that weighs very heavily on the gay person before he comes out. I don’t know too many people who really discuss their sexuality with family; so I suppose it’s one of those things I’m just very uneducated on.


Keeping it to oneself just internalizes it and makes it that much harder to bear. If you cannot share it with your family, who can you share it with?


No doubt it is a huge cross to bear, but is it a cross that your family should have to bear as well? I’ve never heard a parent say, “I love my kid because he likes to have sex in a particular way.” So what exactly does the gay person expect to change by sharing this knowledge that he has this sexual inclination? Is he wanting his parents to view him differently than they did before? And if so, why?

Part of the basis for my questioning has to do with my close friendship with a lesbian couple. They’ve lived together for 20 years and never told their parents that they were gay. They admit that both sets of parents probably figured it out on their own, but they never brought it up as an issue that needed to be discussed simply because they never saw how such a discussion would benefit their relationship with their parents and simply didn’t want their parents to worry about them.



i think the main thing is that people are assumed to be heterosexual unless proven otherwise. sometimes family and friends pester single people about dating and try to set them up etc… it might be easier for everyone if the family knew that the person was single because he was struggling with SSA.

i came out to my family because i was dating a woman for the first time and felt silly not being able to talk about her like i talked about my boyfriends. it wasn’t just sex; it was puppy love, and puppy love begs to be shared! my family’s not religious, so it was no big deal to come out to them. my mom later commented that i had better taste in girls than in boys.

ironically, now that i’m turning away from my bisexuality, that’s going to be a much harder thing to talk about with them. they’re really quite contemptuous of christianity, and would be scandalized that i was hanging out with catholics. hmm. in a way, i’m back in the closet again.


My mother went through it.

People often ignore me when I give really good advice, I promise I won’t feel hurt, just annoyed.

The only way you can push him away is to push him a way. Trying to make him straight won’t work, save your self some aggravation.

It’s okay to look him right in the eye and say that engaging in a homosexual act is a sin. That’s not going to erase the bond you share as brothers. As long as he knows what you think about that, and that you still love him it’s better for the both of you.

And please don’t take it personal. You didn’t make him gay, Barny did (sorry insider gay joke, had to say it.)

Being gay (and abstaining from sex) is not so bad. Not always easy, but I’m getting comfortable with it. Your brother will have to work it out on his own, it’s how these things work.

my two cents worth.


I feel silly asking this, but what the heck does SSA stand for anyway? I’ve seen it around here before just didn’t know what it meant.


Same Sex Attraction


I’ve found these books helpful-

The Courage/Encourage website is also helpful.

Tell him you love him and he’ll always be your brother and you want to be as involved with his life as much as you can . However if he is going to live the homosexual lifestyle you won’t be able to assist or participate with him in that.


I’m curious…where are you now in your journey?


Is your brother a faithful Catholic or is it your sense that he will embrace the gay lifestyle? If he’s willing to go to a support group like Courage then you can probably make some significant inroads with him regarding how to proceed and deal with his attractions. On the other hand, if he’s already embraced the lifestyle or the philosophy of the lifestyle then you’ll have your work cut out for you. I’d echo what others are saying, too. Be unconditional with your love but don’t mistakenly endorse his lifestyle (if indeed he’s already active) out of compassion. Speak the truth in charity and pray and fast for him. I’ll pray for him and you as well.


My journey is very complicated, I have much more than just SSA
and this is one of the reasons I am so bitter towards NARTH and the like. Once it was determined I was intersexed, they would have nothing to do with me, because I have medically visible chromosomal abnormalities that very much could be at the heart of my issues. I have XY, XXY and a few XX chromosomes in my body, test a different area, get a different answer.

If you do a search on my name you’ll find threads, I don’t want to clog up this one with talk unrelated to the thread.

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