Burial Ground


#1
  1. Hello friend, I hope you can help me. My husband was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer that has metastasized. It is a very aggressive cancer. My parents left us 3 burial plots 2 of which are next to them for us to use when the time came. Nothing had been said in the negative by my husband only that he wanted his name on the monument which would be no problem. Now he wants to buy a plot for just the two of us. The other day I overheard him talking to one of our sons and he asked him if he would want to be buried next to us ( on our own plot). And he said yes. He has asked all the boys. At this time I have to be careful with money as I don't know what I will be up against financially due to his illness as it is already costing a lot. In respect for my parents memories I could not or would not sell the plots to strangers. Would I be out of line to just ignore my husbands wishes and bury him where we had planned many years ago? Please pray for us both. Please God, help them to help us. CMK :confused::confused:

#2

Tell a dying man whatever he wants to hear.


#3

[quote="cmkarlowicz, post:1, topic:212822"]
1. Hello friend, I hope you can help me. My husband was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer that has metastasized. It is a very aggressive cancer. My parents left us 3 burial plots 2 of which are next to them for us to use when the time came. Nothing had been said in the negative by my husband only that he wanted his name on the monument which would be no problem. Now he wants to buy a plot for just the two of us. The other day I overheard him talking to one of our sons and he asked him if he would want to be buried next to us ( on our own plot). And he said yes. He has asked all the boys. At this time I have to be careful with money as I don't know what I will be up against financially due to his illness as it is already costing a lot. In respect for my parents memories I could not or would not sell the plots to strangers. Would I be out of line to just ignore my husbands wishes and bury him where we had planned many years ago? Please pray for us both. Please God, help them to help us. CMK
:confused::confused:

[/quote]

You need to talk with him. Just the two of you alone, with all the 'cards' on the table. Don't be afraid to yell to get him to listen.


#4

You know that you can sell the ones you have (if you aren't using them) I see ads often about buying a plot....the use those funds to get your husband what he would like.

My Dad's plot was pre-owned (not pre-used) because he died suddenly and we were able to find that spot at a better price. Our other option was a cemetery about 40 miles away, but my mom doesn't drive, so we chose the first one.


#5

Thank you for your response. It did not go well. My daughter brought up the subject and my husband asked if I was serious about being buried in the plot that we own. I said that I was and would like him to be with me and he said that will never happen. Now what? He professed that he loves me, but made a remark to my grandson that he will be the first person to get divorced after death. Please respond as I am very upset. God bless you. CMK


#6

Thank you for your response. It did not go well. My daughter brought up the subject and my husband asked if I was serious about being buried in the plot that we own. I said that I was and would like him to be with me and he said that will never happen. Now what? He professed that he loves me, but made a remark to my grandson that he will be the first person to get divorced after death. Please respond as I am very upset. God bless you. CMK


#7

What is causing his anger towards these plots that you already own? Did something happen between your parents and your husband that he refuses to be buried near them and instead wants to buy new plots for you two? It sounds like something else is going on beneath the surface.

Personally I wouldn't complicate the situation anymore than it needs to be by asking your children where they want to be buried at this time. They could find themselves in the exact situation you're in someday. That's a decision best left up to them and their spouses.

If your husband is really, really adament about buying new plots just for you two, then that's what I would do and offer the three plots you already own to other family members to buy.


#8

You might be able to find a pre-owned plot (not pre used) for less money. I always see ads for cemetary plots in the paper.

I think if your husband is dying, he shouldn't have to worry about where he is buried....I would think he would be somewhat scared about facing terminal cancer. Really if this is what he wants...you might need to give in.


#9

We've had a lot of death in my family over the years and have always brought up the subject openly. If you can I think you should honor your husbands wishes unless it would be a financial hardship. Remember he's facing death so the subject is going to frighten and upset him. Gosh he'd be emotionless if it didn't.

I prefer cremation for myself and the rest of my family prefers cremation too but none of us have money. I don't like the viewing ritual either and have requested my family skip that part unless they just really feel the need to but personally I find it very upsetting and morbid I'd rather they just go to a pub and have a good Irish wake without the body lying there. :eek::rolleyes:


#10

Is cremation an option any of you would consider? The Church allows it, and you can get a lot of urns in the space it takes for a casket. Another advantage is that the family can bury an urn by themselves at the internment, rather than having the cemetery workers do it for them later. The cemetery staff prepares the hole, the relatives lower the urn into it, and the amount of dirt required to fill in above the urn was manageable by hand, even in formal clothing. Our relatives did it this way, and found it a moving and intimate way to commit their mother to the earth.

Also, consider that many couples opt to be buried in the same plot. The first one to die is buried deep enough for a casket to be accomodated above it. Cemeteries also allow urns to be interred above caskets, in the same plot. You might ask at the cemetery where your plots are if they have a policy about this.

Another possiblity it that you might ask your husband if he would agree to a drawer in a mausoleum. This would be easier for your family to move to a centralized location when finances allow a large purchase of plots near to each other, even if that is after you are both gone. Your local mortuary might have additional suggestions.

I think you can count on your parents being by now in a state where they would tend toward generosity of heart about whatever you decide. Your husband, meanwhile, is on this side of death, and it has grabbed him to look at it squarely. Do what you have to in order to accomodate the plain fact that the living put far more weight on these things than do the blessed. Your parents, being saints, will be pleased with any decision you make that is in keeping with St. Paul's description of love.

After all, it is not what gets you next to them in the ground that counts. Even the ground will pass away. It is only what gets you next to them in the Heavenly Court that matters at all. Love is the way there.

PS The amount it costs to bury someone can vary enormously. If finances are a concern at all, you may want to check out the Funeral Consumers Alliance: funerals.org/


#11

Are you able to sell the three burial plots that you already have?


#12

Dear Friends, I let my husband read all the responses. We made a (deal) It's not what either of us wanted but at least have made an aggrement. We will buy only 2 plots for the 2 of us. I guess in a way I gave in. Oh well, God sees all. Thank you so much to all of you for your help. It really did help me. May God bless you in all that you do. CMK


#13

Greetings to you all who answered. I must inform you that my husband passed away Oct. 23. at 11:49 pm. We kept him home but it was so hard to watch him. All his family was with him most of the time. Very hectic! Well I bought the plots that he wanted and the funeral Mass was beautiful. I don't think my husband could have had a better send off. I do feel relieved that all is well and that the children have all left. And yes, funerals are so expensive. My concern now is that I have not cried yet. What is wrong with me?

I think of him a lot but no tears. I am a very caring person. why is this? CMK


#14

[quote="cmkarlowicz, post:13, topic:212822"]
Greetings to you all who answered. I must inform you that my husband passed away Oct. 23. at 11:49 pm. We kept him home but it was so hard to watch him. All his family was with him most of the time. Very hectic! Well I bought the plots that he wanted and the funeral Mass was beautiful. I don't think my husband could have had a better send off. I do feel relieved that all is well and that the children have all left. And yes, funerals are so expensive. My concern now is that I have not cried yet. What is wrong with me?

I think of him a lot but no tears. I am a very caring person. why is this? CMK

[/quote]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost a close relative this way recently; it was exhausting for her husband and family.

Sometimes a difficult and prolonged death wrings all the emotion out of you. Then there's planning the funeral and all the details. Sometimes, you do all the grieving during the death, especially when it takes so long, and letting go is relatively easier. When death comes in a case like that, I think sometimes the purgatory is shortened on both sides, your side and his. Perhaps the angels are with you, on his bidding. Sometimes, though, the emotion is only delayed a bit. You can't tell. It is one day at a time.

At any rate, you're completely within the range of normal feelings for a devoted and loving wife. I'm sure your DH is thanking you for your fidelity. Give yourself plenty of room for whatever emotion does or doesn't wash over you for a good many months or a year. God bless you.


#15

Dear CMK,

May the soul of your dearly departed husband rest in God's perfect peace. Amen

cmk, please accept my condolences. what a blessing you were to your husband. you cared for him till the end. you were a strong Christian example to your sons. may we all be so blessed to die supported by such caring.

My concern now is that I have not cried yet. What is wrong with me?
I think of him a lot but no tears. I am a very caring person. why is this? CMK

nothing is wrong with you. there is no proper script for grieving. so long as you stay close to Jesus, as long as you allow yourself bring all your sorrows and fears to the foot of the cross (as opposed to denying yourself your real feelings) there is nothing 'wrong' with your grief.

weeping endures for the night; but joy comes in the morning.

this will be true for you, too. one way or another it will be true for you too.


#16

[quote="cmkarlowicz, post:13, topic:212822"]
Greetings to you all who answered. I must inform you that my husband passed away Oct. 23. at 11:49 pm. We kept him home but it was so hard to watch him. All his family was with him most of the time. Very hectic! Well I bought the plots that he wanted and the funeral Mass was beautiful. I don't think my husband could have had a better send off. I do feel relieved that all is well and that the children have all left. And yes, funerals are so expensive. My concern now is that I have not cried yet. What is wrong with me?

I think of him a lot but no tears. I am a very caring person. why is this? CMK

[/quote]

Your tears may catch up to you at some point, and probably when you least expect them. You have just gone through a very emotionally draining experience and you have been coping with your husband's illness and the pending loss of your life partner...you've probably put your own needs on hold while all of the events went on. Give yourself time and care. Don't feel like you have to cry on schedule. Everyone grieves in their own way.

May God give you peace and may you feel His arms around you now.


#17

You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for the update. Like the others have said, your reaction is normal. Grief has its own time line and how it materializes. But it is a chance to grow closer to God, to Jesus and to Mary. Though I have not lost a spouse, I do know my spiritual life was profoundly affected by my father passing away. All you need to do is be open to God's love and healing touch. God bless.


#18

Thank you all that replied to my concern. You all were such a big help. Now I can understand more and accept it. Our Lord is surely working through you and I thank Him also. God bless and keep you. CMK


#19

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