Called to Marriage?


#1

I’m 20 years old. I don’t know for certain what I’m called to. However, I now feel God is probably calling me to Marriage, but I’m not sure. I used to be against marriage for selfish reasons, but God has softened my heart.

After a recent struggle with lust, God strengthened my faith greatly and reminded me that if I don’t get married I’d probably struggle with lust till the day I die.

I’d like to have children, and get married to a faithful Catholic woman, as it seems that marriage helps two people get each other to Heaven.

However, I’ve never dated before and I would feel very uncomfortable asking a woman out. I’d worry “what if she already has a boyfriend?” and other similar thoughts.

I need a spiritual director, and fortunately I think I’m on the path of getting one as a guy from the Diocese at my college’s Newman Club said he could help me find one.

Any thoughts?


#2

Get a counselor

Get a spiritual director

Get career advice

I posted in another thread advice that I was given in college by a wise, monastic brother leading a retreat.

You can ONLY be dedicated to 3 things. One should always be God. If you are in college, one should always be your studies. You only have room for one more…and that should be friendships.

Exclusive relationships will only pull you from one of those 3. In my college days, I had God, School, and Work, as I had to work nearly 40 hours to pay for things. I did not have the luxury of forming friendships, and therefore, a decade later only have a handful of good friends from college, whereas those friends who only worked a few hours a week or none at all have many.

You need to focus on you. You need to get your schooling in order, and you need to get right with God. You also should have healthy, peer friendships–of which it sounds like you have none.


#3

The spiritual director is a good idea. As for “struggles with lust”, dude you’re 20, you’re still maturing physically and emotionally, and I guarantee you by the time you are 25 this won’t be such a big deal.

If you get involved with the Newman Center and in other activities you enjoy, that’s a good way to get to meet girls via group activities, and if you find yourself liking one of them, you’ll probably be able to get to know her well enough to know if she has a boyfriend or is interested in getting to know you better as well.


#4

I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I understand. I have a good amount of friends from work. They are mostly around my age. We like to go bowling from time to time. They may not be Catholic, but their still my friends. There really aren’t too many young Catholics in these parts.


#5

1st of all… wow we’re so similiar in many ways. I just rarely post about these things though. Do you mind if I PMed you sometimes?

2nd, while I agree with Xanthippe, it seems you are well on your way on getting a spiritual director which can lead you, so I’ll just pray that everything goes to plan.

Don’t limit this to two! You will be educating your children later on, and could bring them also to Heaven. Lets say you have 3. Those 3 will go on and become married/enter a religious covenant, where they also lead their children/people to Heaven also. Of course this might seem an idealistic situation, but imagine how much a marriage could help bring more people closer to God if it’s done properly and Christ centered!


#6

I guess I don’t see that reflected in your posts. You don’t seem to have friends that you trust enough to chat with, hang out with outside of group events, etc. I apologize if this is not the case. Good friendships–one which you hang out with people several times a week and build bonds–are important.

You JUST started with the Newman Center. Having good Catholic friends is also different. Among the people I am still close to are my two, non-Catholic roommates and my one Catholic friend who was a computer. We, obviously, spent far less time together but our faith really bonded us. Now that we are both parents we regularly chat about the issues with raising good, Catholic children in a very secular world. And, you know, our friendship even though miles away from eachother, is so solid.

My husband has both Catholic and non-Catholic friends from College. And he is closest to his friend who was Catholic. His ratio is about the same–2 non-Catholic friends for every 1 Catholic friend he has. And even though his friend is single, they still somehow, have a bond in faith.

Single life has its advantages. It should not be squandered in the endless pursuit of a spouse. You have described a very traumatic conversion, a frustrating family life, trouble conversing with adults at work, a major you despise and a host of other confusions. All very, very common for a 20yo. But it does put you in a place that you have to focus on yourself and not on another.

Marriage is a very self-donating occupation. You have to give of yourself everything. Right now, you, again, have many authentic concerns that could prohibit your giving yourself to another.


#7

I’d like to go bowling or do something every week with my friends, but usually either they are busy or I’m busy. It kinda sucks, but we all got our obligations. We usually get to chat a lot at work though because we are a very small supermarket and there are lots of slow times.


#8

Yeah, I get that you are busy. It can be difficult.

I really, really do understand. I had a difficult major and 3 jobs that totaled anywhere from 32-45+ hours a week. I had mandatory volunteer hours because my college was “Catholic” but it was CINO so I did not get the advantage of having Catholic all around me. I had to WORK to make friendships work. And I really, really did want a romantic relationship, but it wasn’t until years after school ended that that came. And you know what? When it came, I was ready. I had such a good life that having a romantic interest meant that I did not have to balance and finangle my schedule, but I knew how to make things work. It was not stressful.

That said, I think you do need deeper friends than work friends or occasional bowling friends. Chatting at slow times during work isn’t like studying together, or playing games on game nights or hiking together or diving into the Word of God. Going to Mass together…just…bonding.

Go to your Newman center. Do everything you can. Find people whose schedules work with yours. Develop those healthy, deep, friendships. When you find that you have deep same-gender friendships with people who will drop things for you, and you’re willing to drop things for people, then you will be closer to being ready for marriage. If you cannot sacrifice some time for a mutual friends, now in the world are you going to find time for a woman? Becuase reasons? No, that’s not the way life works.


#9

I wish there were other active guys in the Newman Club, but for the most part it’s just me, a Catholic girl, and a Protestant girl. There’s another girl who comes in occasionally too. I think there’s another guy who comes in occasionally but I haven’t met him yet. Sadly it seems that most of the people who come in are teachers.


#10

You may have to seek out other Catholic venues or friends then. Or simply find other friends that you really relate to. If your Newman center isn’t active then it is on you to find a way to have healthy friendships. Maybe, you’re not going to find Catholic friends at college. And honestly, given your confusion about everything else in your life this may be a positive. You need to find your center, your ground and really find who you want to be.

EDIT:

Are you SURE you’re going to a Newman Center? The smallest registered Newman center on their website shows 50 active students. I am not trying to say that you are not experiencing a hardship…but perhaps you’re at a lackluster Catholic Ministry and not an actual Newman center?


#11

How do I say this gently:

Your previous threads have shown a tendency to run hot and cold on things, You have NOT dated. At all, Not even casually. You should not even be concerned with this line of thinking until you develop some healthy relationships and actually spend time with young women in a capacity other than in the store.

You are only 20, This is not something that people “figure out and then go about doing” like making a to-do list for your life.
LIVE LIFE FIRST.

Get your own head and heart straight before you go messing with someone else’s, Just a few months ago you stated that your found sexual relations disgusting.

GET A COUNSELOR and SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR.
These random musings are going to put off any serious relationship that might call in your lap.

I don’t know why you are so comfortable saying just about anything to potentially tens of thousands of people, but you refuse to have a good working relationship with a counselor at church.

Get counseling if your parents will not discuss life with you.


#12

Their a club at the college. I thought they must be official because they got Newman in the name. They also got a guy from the Diocese who comes in and guides the Bible study.


#13

Check the Newman Center website. If it is an official one, you’re somehow missing most of the members


#14

I looked on something called Newman Connection or something and I don’t think I saw it. I don’t go to a university, I go to a community college. Perhaps that’s why it’s not mentioned? :thinking:


#15

Uhhhh :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

They are using the name Newman but it’s not a Newman center. It’s different. Two year schools CAN have Newman Centers, though. You’re at 2-year school and you’re now over a year in, right? Why not set your sights on your 4-year school and focus on getting through your work and classes for now?

I know you want the Catholic socialization but it doesn’t seem viable right now. It would be wise for you to go head down, focus on getting through and finding out about yourself.


#16

Thanks, but I don’t plan on continuing to a 4 year college. I’m planning on joining the police academy or going into a trade.

I only picked my degree because my father is a computer guy and for the $$$. I really like working with my hands and with people face to face.


#17

Melodeonist, seriously?

Please.

I’ve already posted things by police officers that state that many departments won’t even look at you without a BA or BS. Even fewer will accept even an AA, especially when it’s not in Criminal Justice.

Also, I’ve worked in conjunction with people in the trades when I worked as a flag person at a construction site. You absolutely can’t just “join a trade” without either experience or education.

Please, please, please go see a career counselor. There is nothing wrong with what you want to do, but you’re not going to get there as easily as you assume.


#18

Then honestly I should be a freelance graphic designer. I already have the skills from using Photoshop all the time. I know I’d be miserable being an office worker. It’s just not for me. Good grades + high pay =/= happiness. :confused:

I looked at a list for Connecticut (where I live) and it seems many police stations here don’t require a degree.


#19

Then go on Upwork or other sites and be a graphic designer. If you’re already qualified then it should be easy. I freelance write. The sites like Upwork and nDash can be easily found and are very low entry points. They can be found with Google. While they take a portion, it’s the best way to build a professional portfolio. There may be better ones for Graphic Design, Google is your friend.

Where in the WORLD are you getting your career advice? Your update is point blank ludicrous.

No one gives a flying rat butt if you get high grades. The only thing good grades will do is get you a better education and more scholarships.

Education doesn’t buy happiness, it gives you a chance to have more opportunities. One can be an extremely happy journeyman carpenter who has no college experience or an extremely unhappy person with a Ph.D. What successful and moreover HAPPY people have is a drive to find out and do what it takes in their lives.

So far, all you can state is that you’re going to school for computers and that you don’t want to work in an office. So…I mean, office and computers aren’t mutually exclusive, not at all. Your career office should be able to tell you up-and at’em tech jobs or client facing jobs that won’t have you sitting all day.

And you will need good grades in CC to get into a 4-year to get to go to the Academy if you want to be a police officer. Although, let me tell you, in today’s force even patrol officers spend a good bit of time at their desks.


#20

It’s not just office work. I just don’t like computer science. It’s hellish because it’s very confusing and makes you frustrated. I don’t like sitting down in front of a computer and having to deal with abstract theories and complex logic problems. I can do deep thinking, but I just hate deep thinking. It’s stressful. I don’t want to sit around all day. I like to go places, do different things and such.

In short, I enjoy working with customers face to face. I enjoy working with my eyes, ears, and hands, even if I’m just moving boxes around. I DON’T like having to solve logic problems, and I don’t like having to sit around.


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