[quote="Mary_Francesca, post:1, topic:266061"]
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a nun. When I was a teenager, I fell away and lived a horrible life. God knocked me off my high horse about a year ago with the most incredible conversion. And then one day, I felt called to the Religious life and that was just...It. It has been 9 months since that day and it has only grown and my appreciation of the reality of it has matured. I have been on 2 retreats. The most recent one I stayed for the weekend at a convent and then was blessed to stay for a whole week to live the life with them. I believe this is what God is calling me to do.
I spoke to my spiritual director. I spoke to the Mother superior. All seems to be going well.
Then how come I'm becoming anxious...Scrupulous...? I keep finding reasons why this is not my calling... because:
1) I lived a horrible life, how could I be called?
Does God call the poorest of sinners to be His bride?
:hug1: I have similar questions like yours. I'm a convert and before I was Catholic, I didn't live a good life at all. I sinned a lot. Then continued (and still continue) struggling with sin when I became Catholic. For that reason and others sometimes I wonder if a religious vocation is possible for me.. because often I feel drawn to it.
I think though - that as St Therese said, God calls whom He will. I read in a discernment article, that God does not call to religious life those who are more worthy. It's a mystery why some are called and not others. But it has nothing to do with our "worth".. it has to do with His plan for us. It might help you to read 'Story of a Soul' by St Therese.. you might relate to her "little way" :) it's our poverty and weakness that attracts us to God, not any "merit". Of course, we must avoid sin, both venial and mortal, and occasions of sin. If we try to love God, we will grow. But that is still not why He loves us.. and His greatest work has been done through the humblest, weakest people. A Saint asked Him... why were they chosen for their mission? and He said, if He had found someone weaker, He would have chosen them. :) I think this is because such people allow God to truly work in and through them.. if we are relying on our own merit, strength, and virtue: then we don't feel that we need Him. Humility involves knowing that we need God. He looks for the most humble.. and honestly it doesn't matter how you lived back then, what matters is how you live now, and how you will grow from here. We are all called to be Saints. If God wants to make you a Saint in religious life: then this is where He has prepared graces for you. He can use your memory of the time when you strayed from Him... either by giving you a mission to help other souls come to Him, or to keep you humble.
Remember He called St Paul to be an Apostle :) and before this, he persecuted Christians. Then he became an Apostle. St Peter, the first Pope, denied Christ three times. And St Augustine didn't live a Christian life before his conversion! then he became a Bishop.
A story in the Gospel that I've always found so comforting is the story about the "sinful woman" with the perfume jar...
Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman
36 When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. 37 A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. 38 As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”
40 Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Tell me, teacher,” he said.
41 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,[c] and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
48 Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
49 The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
50 Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”