Hello, I’m new to the forum, my name is Alix, I’m female and I’m 22 years old. I suffer from schizophrenia from birth due to brain injury the day of my delivery.
I’ve been hospitalized multiple times and tried several neuroleptic treatments that all failed.
Now, when I pray god, I hear awful words in my mind, sometimes. Things like “Hate god”, awful things like that. I dodn’t know where these voices come from but I know they’re caused by shizophrenia. Sometimes I can fight them, sometimes I can’t. Fortunatelly it’s not everyday, I can spend a whole week without hearing them, and when I do so I feel blessed.
When I pray god I always pray him with my voice, not with my mind for I know my brain doesn’t function properly, and i know i may lose the control of it anytimes. It is such an awful feeling to love god and to hear a voice telling you awful things about him. Shizophrenia caused me to be 2 persons at once, sometimes. And it does bring me to tears. Because i have the feeling i can not give the wholeness of my life to god, but only an half.
These voices torture me.