I don't meet with my SD until the middle of next month,,,,,
I could use some insight while i am beginning a discernment,
I reflect back on my time in the Army, a very busy time of my life which kept me off of the internet and access to internet pornography and the off shoots of it.
I notice that in my life when I am busy, for example when I had steady full time employment , and exercising on top of work, and having some what of a hobby to work on with my free time, i didnt really focus on pornography, i mean i had a dvd but barely viewed it.
now I am entering into a discernment phase, I have a parent recovering from major surgery, I am taking one class towards my degree right now as I had to drop one because it was too stressful trying to care for my mom, and catch up on a subject that i had not been in for over two years, so the other class i speak of is a drawing class, very relaxing and calming, and apart of my degree... but i get home and everything comes crashing down.
I am telling myself when my mom fully recovers life will get back on track, and trying to fight pornography may not be very successful at this point in my life....
My theory is if I enter into a vocation, and perhaps end up being called to go to a seminary for the priesthood or a monestary for the brotherhood, that my life will drastically change for the better in such a way that I will be joyfully busy, so much so that pornography will completely die off from my life and this demon that has plagued me, that I have fought on my own for so long will be no longer in my life...
Now I will also add I am not considering a vocation to run away from this problem I have; at all.
I am just worried that if I dont destroy pornography from my life before dedicating myself to a vocation that I am called to that I will end up being dishonest , not worthy, or wrong for entering into a vocation.
I worry that if I can not develop better habits now with the free time I have will I fall back into pornography when further down this path I am on.
My S.D told me that it is a bad habit formed over time and that it will take time to break. I have fought an won over the years in various aspects of pornography through constant prayer and different methods.... I feel that I am very weak at the moment due to what is going on at home, making me very vulnerable to pornography.
how can i expect to be stronger later in life if i dont end this soon ?
I mean i can not lie to myself and say ya know what, there are worse things in life just keep it at a minimum and dont beat yourself up so much, why should i compromise with this ???? It wouldnt be fair to myself or honest with myself either if I did that nor to those I would be serving.
I am not giving up, I am just very discouraged right now.