Can I get married correctly and blessed by church without any parental involveny


#1

My boyfriend and I have wanted to get married for a year now and we are completely in love and committed to each other, we would like to get married but he would like to get married without his parents knowing. The reason he doesn't want his parents to know is because they have always told him that they don't want him to get married till he owns his own house, car, has a stable job/career, and is completely done with schooling. Well we have none of those things he has at least two more years till he even finishes his degree and possibly gets a job but who said he will find a job right away even then, not everyone finds work after
getting their degree. I feel as thou that if his parents don't know and wouldn't be involved in the wedding then it would be weird that my parents would know that his parents don't know, I just would rather neither parents know, get married, then have a marriage celebration later where everyone can be involved and approve of our
situation. So the question is 'Can we go through the catholic marriage process the right way without having parents involvement?'.'Can we have a private ceremony and mass between us two a preist and our choosen witnesses?, is that ok with the catholic church?' We want our relationship to be blessed by the church we wouldn't do it any other way. Its just we don't want to wait to be married till we are "financially ready" that shouldn't be a reason to not get married. I really do want everyone to know about us getting married but I don't want any disapproval by anyone because of our financial situations. I would rather just have a second public wedding celibration later when they can be joyful with us and celibate with us!
If we could what woul be evrything we would need to do so everything will be right


#2

how old are you? there is a canon law about parental consent, I think it is 18. Who is going to support you if you are still going to school and neither one has a job? If you expect to get financial aid from his parents you darn tootin’ have to tell them your plans


#3

While the church will let you get married, his parents are correct. They do not seem to be against you or the marriage but rather the timing of the marriage. Getting married in college is a bad idea. It complicates paying for college, it makes sharing a marriage bed very difficult since a pregnancy will force him and you to get a full time job and likely leave college to raise the child. The best way to go is remain engaged for the duration of college and get married after college. This way there is no rushing to get married and you do not have to worry about a marriage diverting you guys from your studies and future career preparation.


#4

I may be completely wrong, but I can't imagine that you would get very far in any meeting with a priest before he counsels you to reconsider this kind of decision. How are you financing your schooling? Are you financially independent? Do you not think your parents would be terribly hurt by excluding them from such an important event in your life? And to be honest, it doesn't sound like either of you have really thought this whole situation through if you think this is a solution to your problems. Marriage, especially one that you are trying to keep from your parents, is not going to improve your situation at all. It will do just the opposite. If you think you have to keep a wedding from some of the most important people in your life, I think you need to reevaluate getting married in the first place.


#5

[quote="puzzleannie, post:2, topic:188812"]
how old are you? there is a canon law about parental consent, I think it is 18. Who is going to support you if you are still going to school and neither one has a job? If you expect to get financial aid from his parents you darn tootin' have to tell them your plans

[/quote]

Not sure about her but if he has only 2 years to get a degree it means he either not planning on getting a bachelors and just going to community college or that hes 19-20 now and a sophomore in college.


#6

I’ll just elaborate on the “can we” part of the question.

A person who has completed the eighteenth year of age is an adult according to canon 97. Below that, the person is a minor. Canon 1071 will require the permission of the local ordinary (read, diocesan bishop) for the marriage of a minor child when the parents are unaware of it. The Church does not celebrate weddings twice (first a relatively private and then a second more public ceremony).

Then too there is the matter of the age limits placed by civil law. As well, pastors are obliged to discourage youthful marriages and many dioceses have particular policies about them based on canon 1072.

The “should we” invites a lot of questions, and I’m sure others will comment. Briefly though, I think that most third party observers would expect relative financial stability, i.e., the ability to support themselves, as one of the signs of sufficient maturity for marriage. Home ownership might be a little overboard. Concealing marriage from others would not impress most of those observers as a sign of readiness for marriage.

In any case, please talk with your parish priest for counsel.


#7

[quote="cameron_lansing, post:6, topic:188812"]
I'll just elaborate on the "can we" part of the question.

A person who has completed the eighteenth year of age is an adult according to canon 97. Below that, the person is a minor. Canon 1071 will require the permission of the local ordinary (read, diocesan bishop) for the marriage of a minor child when the parents are unaware of it. The Church does not celebrate weddings twice (first a relatively private and then a second more public ceremony).

Then too there is the matter of the age limits placed by civil law. As well, pastors are obliged to discourage youthful marriages and many dioceses have particular policies about them based on canon 1072.

The "should we" invites a lot of questions, and I'm sure others will comment. Briefly though, I think that most third party observers would expect relative financial stability, i.e., the ability to support themselves, as one of the signs of sufficient maturity for marriage. Home ownership might be a little overboard. Concealing marriage from others would not impress most of those observers as a sign of readiness for marriage.

In any case, please talk with your parish priest for counsel.

[/quote]

:thumbsup::thumbsup:


#8

In addition to what others have said, if you live in the United States (I don't know about nations), your marital status impacts dependent status. It also impacts financial obligations for both students and parents in the area of education loans, scholarships, and other financial aid. It would be unfair to the parents, and could maybe even put them in legal and/or financial jeopardy, to deprive them of knowledge of the marriage of their children.


#9

How are you going to provide for any children that result from such a marriage?

My wife got pregnant on the of our wedding night, how would you deal with that?


#10

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember now, how emotions completely drown out any resemblance of brain activity.
It's beautiful, it's wonderful, It's really dumb.


#11

[quote="Lizzygator, post:1, topic:188812"]
My boyfriend and I have wanted to get married for a year now and we are completely in love and committed to each other, we would like to get married but he would like to get married without his parents knowing. The reason he doesn't want his parents to know is because they have always told him that they don't want him to get married till he owns his own house, car, has a stable job/career, and is completely done with schooling. Well we have none of those things he has at least two more years till he even finishes his degree and possibly gets a job but who said he will find a job right away even then, not everyone finds work after
getting their degree. I feel as thou that if his parents don't know and wouldn't be involved in the wedding then it would be weird that my parents would know that his parents don't know, I just would rather neither parents know, get married, then have a marriage celebration later where everyone can be involved and approve of our
situation. So the question is 'Can we go through the catholic marriage process the right way without having parents involvement?'.'Can we have a private ceremony and mass between us two a preist and our choosen witnesses?, is that ok with the catholic church?' We want our relationship to be blessed by the church we wouldn't do it any other way. Its just we don't want to wait to be married till we are "financially ready" that shouldn't be a reason to not get married. I really do want everyone to know about us getting married but I don't want any disapproval by anyone because of our financial situations. I would rather just have a second public wedding celibration later when they can be joyful with us and celibate with us!
If we could what woul be evrything we would need to do so everything will be right

[/quote]

I don't think starting out your married life involved in a deception is the way to go. Think about it.


#12

I honestly think you should at least talk to your parents about this. I’d be really upset if my daughter told me that she got married without me knowing… I don’t have any children (I’m 23) but if I had a child that’s probably how I’d feel. It seems that you’re following your emotions here but not really thinking it through carefully… .think about the consequences. It’s true that marriage takes responsibility… if you really disagree with your parents, why not talk to them about it and tell them how you feel, instead of making a huge decision like this? and if they still say no, you can still have a wedding only a bit later on, but both your families would be there and it would be special… I personally would be upset if my parents weren’t there at my wedding. It’s such a big event!

I also agree that it’s not the best idea to start your marriage with a deception.

God bless


#13

Looking at the situation it doesnt seem as if the parents are against the girl. This implies they approve of the girl but not the timing of it. If they are truly meant to be together as husband and wife then waiting for the end of college will not be bad for them. In my experience, college tends to separate the sheep from the wolves relationship wise very fast. This is because there are so many different people and you have different groups. I think it is a good test for a relationship to see if it can get past college since very few make it that long. If they rush to a marriage now, it leaves them in a precarious financial position and it threatens to sever ties with the groom’s family. Neither are necessary and they would be well-advised to wait. True love waits. If she or he cannot wait until after college then they are not really in love but rather attached to each other emotionally. Situations like this rarely turn out well. Finishing college before marriage is necessary because you have to at least have a basis of qualifications to get a job to support a family long term. If you get pregnant while in college you both will likely have to drop out of college and take unskilled positions that do not require a degree and this does not bode well financially for a marriage long term and short term from the start. It is better to get the degree before marriage so you can be in a position to get a job that can support a family. Without a college degree, options for work are limited and not very well paid.


#14

Is your boyfriend supporting himself? Paying for his own schooling, car, cell phone, insurance, rent, etc? If not, he still owes obedience to his parents.


#15

just to clear some things up i see i did not properly inform. Neither i or him are minors, i am not hiding from anything, and if need be i can support my self and children if need be, the issue is that to his parents standards we would not be living a “successful” life. but as far as that goes i am not trying to live a “successful” life i just want to live humbly and would like to not have much money and worldly distractions. i really really wish we could just get married with everyones approval of our situation but that is not the case. It seems as tho i see it very differently because to me is would be FAR FAR worse with two or more years of temptation especially for feeling as tho we should already be married for as chastity goes.

-LIZZYGATOR!


#16

may i add another voice to these straight-shooting voices of reason?

sure i may. here goes.

unnecessarilly beginning a marriage dragging along a heap of duplicity could be devastating to your marriage. to not KNOW that, LizzyG, implies you're not nearly ready for the vocation of marriage in many ways more important than financial.


#17

i would believe that i am ready for marriage and i am very aware that the situation i said is not the best option, i would be so happy if his parents would see that we really do not need all these things prior to get married, i adore his parents and i know they have good intentions but i think that altho the intentions are good it would lead us in an could be even more devastation situation for a marriage. is it more unhealthy for a relationship to be poor or to be tempted by pre marital relations?


#18

You may not be a minor but you are still very young and talk like it as well. The point of getting a college degree and a job isnt to acquire earthly goods per se but to have the money to not be one bad event from the bread lines. If you do not have a college degree, you are limited to retail, administrative and food jobs. If you lose a job and you do not have money built up, you will have no real skill to offer an employer and you will be a medical event away from poverty. A degree gives you both flexibility and the ability to have a money built up for unexpected emergencies. When you are young and in love, money doesnt seem like a big deal but you need it to survive and be ready for future unexpected events. Kids also have needs. Sports, clothes, food, medicine and a wide rage of expenses including college in their future come into play.

Also, if you do not think you can hold off sexual temptation for much longer than you need to evaluate whether this is love or lust. A real marriage with real love will wait and stay chaste no matter how long you have to wait. Otherwise, you are just using each other for pleasure.


#19

Are his parents providing HIS financial support?


#20

Both are not good! Both lead to bad things. If you are getting married to ease temptation, you are getting married in such a hurry for the wrong reasons. Poverty leads people to make stupid decisions and impulsive situations. Poverty only seems good until you live it. Every person I know that lived in poverty works hard in school so their kids do not have to be in that situation in their life. If he and you cant wait sexually then you are not really in love and NOT ready for marriage. Ive seen marriages for sex before and they never work out.


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