Can I vent?


#1

There is a surpervisor here where I work that has recently felt the need to tell me that he thinks I’m beautiful. He is not my supervisor. He is a happily married man with 5 children. I feel like it was a harmless compliment…inappropriate, but harmless. I told my boyfriend and he gets mad at me like it’s my fault. He asked if I had been flirting with the man and how I was not “smart enought” to see the implications and such. Let me also mention that this supervisor is military and I am civilian. I told the man that I recognize the compliment but that it made me uncomfortable. He apologized to no end. I am so hurt and angry with my boyfriend of 2 years. He took the typical male approach (no offense men) that I must have prompted the attention from this man and that I must done something to make him think he could say this to me. I know I need to pray and I need to forgive my BF but right now I don’t want to.


#2

i think you need to re-evaluate your relationship…
you did the right thing by letting him know that you got that kind of a compliment… however, what he demonstrated is that he does not trust you…

think about why this is the case…!!!


#3

I know I need to talk to him again when neither of us is upset. I want to tell him how I feel and what I think. We just need to talk and not hold on to any bad feelings towards each other.


#4

“Blaming” you for a compliment from someone may be a big flashing red warning light! Real men, adult men, do not jump to overly jealous conculsions.

I’d be very careful about your boyfriend.


#5

Am I missing something here? Did the supervisor at work repeatedlysay that you are beautiful, or was it just a one time compliment made in passing? I don’t understand what the big deal is here. I think your boyfriend is completely overreacting, and maybe so are you in even telling him. I don’t tell my husband everytime I get a compliment from another man (not that it happens often! LOL). Was it meant innocently, or did you feel like he was seriously coming on to you? Can a man not tell a woman that she’s beautiful without it being thought of as inappropriate?


#6

i dont think there is anything wrong in OP telling her boyfriend about this… arent you supposed to be completely honest in your relationship? why should you have to think twice about saying anything to your significant other… when you hide things is when you are led to think there is something wrong…
you should always say what happened during the day to your significant other to catch up on the day…

:slight_smile:


#7

Yes - but if it makes the woman feel in any way uncomfortable, then it is inappropriate. It is the receiver, not the sender, who makes the determination.

That said - I have to agree with one of the above posts, that your boyfriend has absolutely handled this the wrong way. That is the same thing as saying a girl is raped because she asked for it. You did nothing wrong (we will make that assumption for the sake of discussion). And you did the right thing telling this manager that you were uncomfortable with the comment. There is nothing wrong with wishing your relationship with him to remain totally professional. Would he tell a male fellow co-worker that he thought he was “beautiful”? No - so why is it appropriate for him to tell you?

I think you need to have a long hard talk about trust with your boyfriend when you are both not so angry about this.

~Liza


#8

Please also be aware that if someone is in a subordinate position - even if the supervisor is not directly in charge of the someone - it is very necessary to make sure the interaction with all employees is appropriate and above-board.
That being said, I agree that this is a big red light regarding the boyfriend’s reaction. Are you both practicing Catholics? Would he be interested in going to a spiritual director and asking for some guidance in this area? Two years is a lot of time to invest in a relationship - if this is the first time he has acted this way you may be able to help him to see his behavior is not a good indicator of maturity. If it is the way he reacts all the time…well, hmmmmm


#9

To everyone here who has posted, you just don’t drop a boyfriend of two years or dramatically “re-evaluate” an entire relationship because of one incident. You work through it and see if one can grow from the mistakes one has made. Men are not chattel.

To the OP, I am sure you are very beautiful. But it is totally out of place for a supervisor to say such a thing to you; it only serves to complicate a situation. Make sure that you are dressing modestly, and you should give your boyfriend little to worry about.

In regards to the OP’s boyfriend, his reaction was very extreme. I wonder if he’s ever had to deal with male friends of the OP before? Is this a normal occurrence? OP, do you often hang out with male friends? Do you have many male friends? Do you feel oppressed by your boyfriend and kept from having male friends?

You may excuse his outburst, you must forgive him, but make sure he realizes that his behavior is uncalled for and only serves to push you away from him.

It’s an odd thing that I realized in my own life: a jealous man pushes a woman away; but a trusting man brings a woman closer than he could have ever hoped for.


#10

Actually, I disagree.

The key word here is boyfriend.

He is not your husband. And, such a disproportionate reaction to such a small thing could be a sign of a character flaw/issue that your BF could carry into a marriage.

Dating is a time of discernment, and don’t preclude discerning him out the door if he exhibits behaviors that are not in keeping with your values, attitudes, beliefs, and things that could torpedo a marriage.

So, you do not “have” to forgive him-- if he were your husband you would need to forgive him.

You could view this through it’s proper lense as a possible dealbreaker-- if it’s not isolated, or if he is not contrite.

Don’t let things get out of perspective. He is not your husband, and he has no exclusive claim on you. And, if he has such an opinion of you now, it’s not likely to change later.


#11

Totally agree with this. I was in a relationship for four years with someone who had a fit just because my IM status at work said “available” - he didn’t like the image that might send!! :eek: He was absolutely paranoid, and it made life very difficult. He never had any reason to not trust me, the relationship ended six months prior to our wedding date. In retrospect, I see how his abnormal jealousy would have been so harmful to a healthy marriage.

~Liza


#12

1ke and Lizanne, I understand your experiences and the intense paranoia that can consume a man at awkward times. I’ve been there. But it’s the opposite of our commandment to love to simply “let this man go” without trying to work through it and make better the man that we love.

The vibe I get from your post is that a man is forever unchanging. And women go “shopping” for men as it suits their wants and needs. Yes, we can choose who we love and want to marry, but our love should not be so mutable to drop tail and run at the first sign of imperfection. WE ARE NOT PERFECT, and we need a good woman’s help to make us so.

Jealousy is such a common feeling in today’s society, especially for good Catholic men who are striving to do their very best in a world that is constantly bombarding them with all sorts of temptations and false perceptions of reality. Men need help. They need to grow to see what love truly is and what it can be with a little effort. At one time, it was men who took care of women and it still is, but more and more I see the opposite true as well. Men need women too.

I promise that if a relationship is deep enough where a man is willing to go through some changes, some counseling, or just a few good conversations with a priest to get over some jealous feelings, that relationship is going to last a longer and it will be more fulfilling than any relationship with a man who was picked out from a line-up.

Of course, no woman needs to be hurt and if a man is ever abusive, there is no reason to stick around. Not only for your present safety but for your future safety and for the safety of your possible children. But even then, we are called to love, to forgive, and to better those people around us who are in need of our help.


#13

No offence meant by the military guy and he probably did it in a chivalric way, probably also treating you like some kind of daughter figure. :wink: Note that he said “beautiful” and not “hot” or even “pretty”. I doubt he meant it any more than in an aesthetic way, a bit as if he were talking about his own daughter or sister. :wink:

As for your boyfriend, I would wonder why he’s so insecure. Some men are insecure for no reasons, some freak out about certain things (yours truly belongs here - I remember how I freaked out about one of my exes accepting the “change for a dollar” joke and laughing at it) and some are completely resilient (that’s a rarity).

What is his normal opinion of your relations with friends and coworkers, your clothes, your social habits and the like? Has he ever complained about anything before? Does he know where he stands with you? Fully? Can he have any reasons to sense insecurity in you maybe?


#14

Gah… get the heck over it, chick…!!

You boyfriend is annoyed that you are manipulating him into “noticing you” by trying to make him jealous by telling him about this other dude who told you you are beautiful.

Of course, he’s also annoyed that he wasn’t there to “stand up for your honor”, and punch someone.

Your boyfriend surmises that if it really wasn’t a big deal that this work-guy complimented you, you wouldn’t have found the need to tell him about it, as it’s expected that to tell a man that some other man has “made advances” on his woman is to expect that he will “react strongly”.

He expects you to expect him to react strongly, which he did, and the only object available was (unfortunately) you, whom he “blamed” because you are seen as trying to manipulate him.

Just as he did wrong in “blaming” you, you did wrong in bringing this to your boyfriend in such a way that it was even possible that he could misinterpret it as your trying to manipulate him.

What you should have done is clarified the “relationship” with the work-guy without ever telling your boyfriend,… and only brought it to his attention if the “clarified” situation threatened an “unchaste” situation.

What your boyfriend should have done is to tell you, nicely but with fire in his eyes, to clarify the situation such that everyone understands that he’d kick the backside of ANYONE who threatens his relationship with you.

…now get back to loving your mate, and drop the idiocy, little girl…!

:slight_smile:

Mahalo ke Akua…!
E pili mau na pomaikai iaoe. Aloha nui.


#15

Some people will skip the tales of compliments to spare the other some occasion to jealousy. Some people will wonder why they are told such things - for example, since I don’t see anything wrong in a bona fide compliment graciously taken (and I don’t need to know which guys think my hypothetical partner is hot or which guys she thinks are - not that “beautiful” is a different matter altogether), I would wonder why I were being told about it - what were the motive? Honesty? Maybe… But then, were I expected to narrate all the compliments I had received? That would feel obsessive. If not honesty then what? I might be inclined to take it as a “subtle hint” and wonder about its meaning. As a rule, I don’t like listening to how great other guys are unless they’re shared friends, family, professors and other people “professionally” admired and that kind of thing.


#16

What a nice post. :wink:

What your boyfriend should have done is to tell you, nicely but with fire in his eyes, to clarify the situation such that everyone understands that he’d kick the backside of ANYONE who threatens his relationship with you.

Naaah, relationship matters don’t merit violence. He shouldn’t even lash out. It annoys me to no end that some men hit on taken ladies, but it would be too possessive to go to violence over that and I don’t think it’s reasonable anyway. I make it a point to solve especially female-related matters non-violently. Especially if it didn’t threaten the lady’s honour but just the relationship with me, I’d leave it to her to react (doesn’t change the fact a positive reaction could end the relationship in extreme cases). A girl is a mistress of herself and especially so if she isn’t married to you yet (then you acquire some right to chase off others).


#17

Some people will skip the tales of compliments to spare the other some occasion to jealousy. Some people will wonder why they are told such things - for example, since I don’t see anything wrong in a bona fide compliment graciously taken (and I don’t need to know which guys think my hypothetical partner is hot or which guys she thinks are - not that “beautiful” is a different matter altogether),
*I would wonder *why I were being told about it - what were the motive? Honesty? Maybe…

arent you thinking way too much about it?? why shouldnt ur women want to come and tell you about stuff that happened in her life during the day?? shouldnt u be glad that she did instead of trying to think that there is some kind of ulterior motive to it… :confused: why should there be an ulterior motive to it unless she did not feel secure about the relationship with you and needed to tell you this in order to make you jealous?? if you do have had these kind of vibes from her, then i should think that you would want to know this in order to make her feel more secure!

But then, were I expected to narrate all the compliments I had received? That would feel obsessive. If not honesty then what? I might be inclined to take it as a “subtle hint” and wonder about its meaning.

its the dynamics of every relationship… if you want to talk about everything that happened during the day as a way of sharing then that would be upto you, but if you are going to pick and choose what you will or will not let your significant other know, then that would mean that there is some hiding going on and if so, why? wouldnt it be better to get that part out in the open and resolve it instead of going through this charade for ever???

As a rule, I don’t like listening to how great other guys are unless they’re shared friends, family, professors and other people “professionally” admired and that kind of thing

again, it comes down to the same thing… if she makes a friend at work who is nice and wants to share that with you, if you say no… how does she share those experiences with you? for instance, if this guy were a part of a group at work and had an incredible sense of humor, she would want to share it with you alongwith the jokes… but if she felt that made you insecure, she would then need to hide it… why hide anything?


#18

Wow - now that’s impressive. :dts:

As if she would even consider a word of anything someone had to say when addressed in such a manner.

Sheesh. Some folk’s kids.

~Liza


#19

They should, but what’s the purpose of relating the compliments? I don’t think they’re obliged to tell me and I can’t see any benefit in being told that. It’s not like I mind if it’s a normal part of a bigger narration, but, “Hello, darling. Mr X has told me I’m pretty,” is that honestly expected to get out of me a, “That’s wonderful, darling?”

You can’t possibly narrate everything everyone told you, so the selection matters - the most important things are told. Question is therefore, why should a compliment from a man be among the most important things?

shouldnt u be glad that she did instead of trying to think that there is some kind of ulterior motive to it…

If it pops up in narration, there’s no ulterior motive. If it’s sort of “confessed”, brought up as matter of honesty, then I’m moved, but I hope I’m not expected to confess every compliment taken myself. If it’s told separately, as the single news item, then there is most probably an ulterior motive of getting attention. And that kind of getting attention hurts me (physically even, sometimes), even if I make effort to try and be compassionate.

:confused: why should there be an ulterior motive to it unless she did not feel secure about the relationship with you and needed to tell you this in order to make you jealous??

You’ve just answered yourself. :wink:

if you do have had these kind of vibes from her, then i should think that you would want to know this in order to make her feel more secure!

That or make sure she isn’t forcing herself to stay with me against her heart and her mind. Sometimes you have to let go.

its the dynamics of every relationship… if you want to talk about everything that happened during the day as a way of sharing then that would be upto you, but if you are going to pick and choose what you will or will not let your significant other know, then that would mean that there is some hiding going on and if so, why? wouldnt it be better to get that part out in the open and resolve it instead of going through this charade for ever???

What charade? The fact someone’s told my girl she’s pretty doesn’t create any charade. It just happened. Good on her, good on him for being a charmant gentleman, nice for me to hear I have a pretty girlfriend. But not telling me that would certainly not be hiding. I sense that you insist it’s done out of honesty - and in that case, I respect that. But it’s not expedient otherwise, such as said without thinking or without any motive, if it’s not a part of a bigger narration - in other words, “hello, darling, Mr X has said I’m pretty.” Why would I need to be told that so specifically? If she feels the need to bring it up to make things clear, okay. If she wants bona fide to brag, fine. But other possible motives feel strange to me. It’s not like it’s wrong to say. The question is not why not say, but why say?

again, it comes down to the same thing… if she makes a friend at work who is nice and wants to share that with you, if you say no… how does she share those experiences with you? for instance, if this guy were a part of a group at work and had an incredible sense of humor, she would want to share it with you alongwith the jokes…

Yup.

but if she felt that made you insecure, she would then need to hide it… why hide anything?

Nope. No need to make specific effort to cut it out of otherwise fluent narration. Surely not. But if it’s brought up separately and on its own then one gets to wonder. It also matters how the girl reacts if you describe a friend of yours in similar terms. I have a short tolerance for double standards. What makes me insecure is not when a girlfriend of mine says some guy is great but when she goes on about what great a guy he is (especially the more it’s about boyfriend qualities rather than friend qualities - don’t tell me you’d be happy to listen to your hypothetical partner talking about a girl’s great legs or how she oggled him or what great physique she had, how hot, smart, captivating, dazzling she were and whatnot) and it looks like she’s developing some kind of infatuation. Of course, I’m theorising here and this doesn’t refer or relate to the Opening Poster in any way.


#20

Okay, for me, an honest complment is a little unexpected nicety in the day. Sometimes, a kind word of compliment can make someone’s day.

Let’s say on the way home from work tonight, DH and I have this conversation:

DH “How was you day?”

Kage “Well, I lost three big sales, my computer crashed, the copy machine caught fire and I got a nosebleed. I was went in to tell Mr. Owens and he was so gracious, he said ’ you should not let these things get you down, you are one of our best staff members, and your ability to maintain composure amidst these catastrophies helps keep the team on track! You are one beautiful person.’ It really made my day!”

Or even if I said "This morning I had my new hairdo, and when I walked in, Mr. Smith said “new haircut” I said “yeah, I’m not too sure about it” and Mr. Smith said “Ah, you look beautiful”.

Either of these are simply compliments, and I hope never to live in a world where we cannot compliment each other.


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