Can this be fixed?


#1

I'm in a very tough situation right now. My wife has left me, and I'm trying to get my life straight. We have a 10 month old daughter, and she is currently 5 months pregnant. The new baby is due in December. We have talked, and she is going to let me see my children as much as I want, but has made up her mind that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm having a tough time adjusting to not having them around. Let me start off by saying I recognize this is totally my fault. I have made some terrible decisions throughout the course of our relationship. She is a very good person, the most amazing mother, and a very good wife. I broke her trust many times throughout our relationship, and she somehow managed to forgive me and try and work things out. I have a feeling there may be no turning back this time, and that hurts. I want my family back. I want to make things right, but do not know how to ask God for forgiveness, I feel unworthy of his forgivenes, and I feel like my wife deserves better. I need to get my life straight. I would like to hold on to a bit of hope that maybe one day, God will reunite us again, so we can be a family. I know that in time, her wounds will heal, as will the pain I'm going thru, but I don't know where to start. Can somebody please help. I tried to contact a priest, but all 4 of the local priests are on vacation....i feel so alone and helpless right now.


#2

[quote="BryanB, post:1, topic:205039"]
I'm in a very tough situation right now. My wife has left me, and I'm trying to get my life straight. We have a 10 month old daughter, and she is currently 5 months pregnant. The new baby is due in December. We have talked, and she is going to let me see my children as much as I want, but has made up her mind that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm having a tough time adjusting to not having them around. Let me start off by saying I recognize this is totally my fault. I have made some terrible decisions throughout the course of our relationship. She is a very good person, the most amazing mother, and a very good wife. I broke her trust many times throughout our relationship, and she somehow managed to forgive me and try and work things out. I have a feeling there may be no turning back this time, and that hurts. I want my family back. I want to make things right, but do not know how to ask God for forgiveness, I feel unworthy of his forgivenes, and I feel like my wife deserves better. I need to get my life straight. I would like to hold on to a bit of hope that maybe one day, God will reunite us again, so we can be a family. I know that in time, her wounds will heal, as will the pain I'm going thru, but I don't know where to start. Can somebody please help. I tried to contact a priest, but all 4 of the local priests are on vacation....i feel so alone and helpless right now.

[/quote]

Bryan, you are in my prayers, brother. Sometimes, God allows us to hit rock bottom so He can start building us back up in His image.

One of the most loving things He gives us sometimes (not from OUR perspective, of course!) is a big Cross in our lives! It helps humble us. The vast majority of people in crisis turn back to God. Those who really never left Him, get closer.

So, offer up your suffering to Him, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary. IT is a very powerful thing! But always pray that God's will be done in the situation and accept whatever that is.

And pray your Rosary. Go make a good Confession if you need to. If you haven't been in a while, make a good examination of conscience first.

Get your spiritual life in order, and ask God to guide your life in the direction He desires.

God bless!


#3

Keep Looking for a Priest. Contact a Religious Order, Like the Jesuits. Really, look for ANY ONE who can help you.

Receive The Sacrament of Reconciliation. (Go To Confession)
Sincerely ask for forgiveness from your family. Beg for it on your knees if you need to. Try to do everything you can to save your family. The New Baby needs a father, a family.

Try to break the habits that injured the trust between you and your wife.
PRAY very much. Ask for Help From Our Lady.

Don't despair. You can ALWAYS come back to The Lord.
Think of the prodigal son. He will love you when you come back.

I happen to watch a program on EWTN (a Catholic T.V. Channel) there is a certain program called Women of Grace (but it's not just for women, they are talking about the Husband's role in the family a lot recently) that I recommend you Watch.
You can learn something important.

and Again, keep looking for A Holy Priest!
Good Luck.

*May The Lord Our God Bless You! *

For any body who reads this, please pray for this man. :)


#4

Since you have no priests available to talk to (not that this wouldn’t be a good idea if you did), you should go to your parish church and sit before the tabernacle (or the montrance if your parish has an adoration chapel) and tell Jesus present there all about your sins. It’s not a substitute for confession, but it will be the best place for you at this moment.

Next, after you’ve gone to confession, you need to set up an appointment with a good, reliable Catholic counselor because there is a reason you keep failing in your marriage. You haven’t said in what way, but whatever it is, be it unfaithfulness or lying, etc. you need to understand why you keep doing what you know is wrong/harmful. Not only so you can reclaim your family, but so you can reclaim your soul, your heart, your mind, your life.

It takes a real man to admit when he’s totally messed up. You’ve taken the first step by that admission, now you need to follow up and be consistent. As a woman and a wife I can tell you that consistency is more important than anything else. If your wife cannot depend on you/trust you there’s nothing in the world you could possibly say that she will believe. You have to earn her trust so she can once again be secure. No woman can be happy in marriage if she doesn’t feel secure.

You have my prayers.


#5

Scooby, you said it best.

Sometimes we need to hit our bottom/surrender and then be willing to build back up. We all have crosses to bear, some bigger than others.

Bryan, you are in my prayers, as is your family.

Great suggestions from all on this board.

God Bless You.


#6

How do you know that it isn't best thing for her and your kids for you to be out of the picture?

Are you a drunk? Beat the kids? The wife? Have no job? Cheating? Are you a danger to yourself or others?

There's a reason why she took the kids and left, especially if she is pregnant. It normally takes a lot for woman to do that.


#7

[quote="cheese_sdc, post:6, topic:205039"]
How do you know that it isn't best thing for her and your kids for you to be out of the picture?

Are you a drunk? Beat the kids? The wife? Have no job? Cheating? Are you a danger to yourself or others?

There's a reason why she took the kids and left, especially if she is pregnant. It normally takes a lot for woman to do that.

[/quote]

John 8:7 But when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

Try to help please.... otherwise just lurk.

This man is in need of help ... he doesn't need criticism right now.

Make things right in your Home Life and with God.

Peace Be With You.

Paul


#8

[quote="Paul2274, post:7, topic:205039"]
John 8:7 But when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

Try to help please.... otherwise just lurk.

This man is in need of help ... he doesn't need criticism right now.

Make things right in your Home Life and with God.

Peace Be With You.

Paul

[/quote]

Sounds like he had plenty of chances to change before his pregnant wife got fed up with his stuff.


#9

We are asked to forgive as many times as necessary.

"21 Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, how often shall my brother offend against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
22 Jesus saith to him: I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times"

Matthew 18: 21-22


#10

I would work with a counselor on addressing the issues that you have. That needs to be your focus at this point, not getting your wife back.


#11

Paul, totally agree with you. This is a brother in need of help & prayers. Not judging. Thank you. It was put so elquoently. :)


#12

I'm kinda new to the Forums, although I'm not new to messing things up around the home. All the suggestions that have been given are exactly what you need to do to reconcile with the Good Lord. But unfortunately, your wife cannot see what is in your heart, so starting now, you need to show and demonstrate to her that you are willing and capable of change, and of course, ask for God's help in doing so. Words alone will not suffice. It is a difficult path, but not one that can't be overcome. I'll will keep you in my prayers.


#13

"Can this be fixed?" I remember when I was in my marital crisis, and I asked my priest, somewhat in desparation, "is there still hope?", and he responded "There's always hope".

[quote="BryanB, post:1, topic:205039"]
I tried to contact a priest, but all 4 of the local priests are on vacation....i feel so alone and helpless right now.

[/quote]

How horrible for you! You are feeling on the edge of despair, and then several parishes for help, and they are all on vacation!

Getting the best advice in this situation is critical to how you feel, think and act. Beware of counsellors, even Catholic ones. In my experience they are helpful for long term issues (eg. addressing childhood trauma), but can be very unhelpful in a marital crisis.

I have found priests and doctors to be most helpful in a real crisis. Perhaps see a doctor now, and make an appointment to see a priest as soon as you can. If the appointment is in two weeks time, then it will feel like an eternity, but just somehow hang in there, and don't do anything stupid while you wait. Perhaps even enjoy a little time out from the crisis :)

I am wondering how much your wife is really acting in the best interests of the children, which should be her priority. Separation should always only be a last resort. However, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind if she doesn't want to.

Do the best you can for your own sanity and peace with God. If your wife comes back, then great, and if she doesn't, then you will better prepared for the task of fatherhood (and sainthood) as it now is for you.

You are in my prayers.


#14

[quote="Edmundus1581, post:13, topic:205039"]
.

I am wondering how much your wife is really acting in the best interests of the children, which should be her priority.

Isn't this judging the wife? How do we know she ISN'T acting in the best interests of the kids?

It sounds like the it took quite a lot for the OP to see the error of HIS CHOICES.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but it sounds like it's a good motivator for you. Get things right for yourself. While you are waiting to talk to a priest, it might be a good idea to take stock of what your role was in all this. After you do that, Adoration is a great idea.

[/quote]


#15

[quote="tuescat, post:14, topic:205039"]
Isn't this judging the wife?

[/quote]

No. It's asking the OP to look at her actions from a different perspective than just as a reaction to his behaviour. Maybe she is acting in the best interests of the kids, or maybe she is not. From what the OP wrote it could be either. If he thinks about it, then it might clarify his own position, and future choices, somewhat.

You mention "HIS CHOICES" (your emphasis). Separating was her choice, and is a major factor from here on.


#16

[quote="dulcissima, post:10, topic:205039"]
I would work with a counselor on addressing the issues that you have. That needs to be your focus at this point, not getting your wife back.

[/quote]

This!

You need to build trust if you want your wife back. And you should do so even if it is never possible to get your wife back. So don't make this about winning back your wife. Make this about becoming a better person and father for your children.

You do that by seeking forgiveness, working on your prayer life, and seeking any necessary counseling. If you can live your Faith without your wife and children then maybe, just maybe, there will be a future with your wife and children.

:gopray2:


#17

[quote="SMHW, post:16, topic:205039"]
This!

You need to build trust if you want your wife back. And you should do so even if it is never possible to get your wife back. So don't make this about winning back your wife. Make this about becoming a better person and father for your children.

You do that by seeking forgiveness, working on your prayer life, and seeking any necessary counseling. If you can live your Faith without your wife and children then maybe, just maybe, there will be a future with your wife and children.

:gopray2:

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#18

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUGGESTIONS, EVEN THE CRITICAL AND JUDGEMENTAL ONES. Well, first of all, I did go to church yesterday on my lunchbreak. I got down on both knees, and prayed, and let it all out. I told God I am truly sorry for what I have done, and I asked him to save my marriage. I felt so much better once I left. I know he heard me, and I know he is with me. Something just told me "it's gonna be okay" whether my wife comes back or not. I would love more than anything to have her back, but I know we must go thru this process. I know if she comes home today, it will never work. She needs to heal, as do I, and then we can hopefully rebuild this "dead" marriage. to answer some of the questions one of you posted....I am not a drunk. I have never raised a hand to my wife. My problem has been infidelity, and major lack of communication. I have a very tough job, which requires alot of me, and I guess I made my job a priority, not my family....BIG MISTAKE!! Yes, I have had many chances, but this time....I FINALLY GET IT. I'm asking that you all pray with me that God may reunite, what he once united in his church. This Sunday would be our 1 year anniversary since we married in the church. I have spoken to her, and she is going to let me see my children. I am doing my part to just be a good father now, I'm not trying to "fix things" with her at this point. I think it's too soon, but I will continue praying day and night, that God's will be fulfilled, I just hope I get my family back. I now know what I have to do, and that my family should be a priority. I had recently been heavily involved in ACTS, and they constantly pushed me to serve and put God first. Aside from the infidelity, I put ACTS first, thinking I was showing God that I would do whatever I had to, but I didn't think it would cost me my family. I will be forever thankful to the ACTS Community, but I plan to speak to the Directors and let them know family should be first, or they should explain that God can be first, but you must serve in your home before you serve the community. I left my wife and kids behind to serve, thinking I was doing the right thing. Thank you all for your prayers. A priest I know should be back in town today. I will talk to him after I have another sit down with God on my lunchbreak today. God Bless You All, I am forever greatful to you for your kind words and prayers.
Bryan


#19

[quote="cradlecatholic5, post:11, topic:205039"]
Paul, totally agree with you. This is a brother in need of help & prayers. Not judging. Thank you. It was put so elquoently. :)

[/quote]

Thank you. I try sometimes and it comes out wrong and sometimes it comes out just right.
:)

Paul


#20

This is good to hear and we are all behind you as your Christian brothers and sisters. :thumbsup:

As to the ACTS community, any group that demands you put them (it’s really not God they are asking you to put first but them) first isn’t a good one to be part of. Marriage is a sacrament, a vocation, just as important as the priesthood or any other such sacred commitment. Your marriage vows come before any other “ministry” or activity.

I still strongly advise you to see a counselor. No man is repeatedly unfaithful unless there are underlying reasons for it. You need to sort out why you felt the need to have sexual relations with other women in order to defeat your tendency to such temptation.

Lastly, therefore most importantly, you need to develop a good prayer life. God (not some organization) must be the center of your life. When he is, then everything else falls into its proper place. Making God the center of your life doesn’t entail neglecting family or other obligations. It’s living your life in the presence of God at all times–remembering that everything we are, we say, we do, we think, we want is based in God. Let God direct your life. Get yourself out of his way and trust in him.

It may be that God will bring you and your wife back together. But as others have said, get yourself straightened out and then leave your future and that of your family in God’s hands. Blessings on you and yours.


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