The Conditions of Discipleship 23 Then he said to all, “If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily* and follow me. 24 For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. 25 What profit is there for one to gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit himself? 26 Whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. 27 Truly I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God.”
I have some barriers to becoming a Priest. They are huge barriers. Sometimes, now more than ever, these barriers are so huge that it appears outwardly that I do no longer want to be a Priest. Ever since reading the Bible after my RCIA, I've been nearly totally sure, rationally, that the above passage is key to understanding my purpose. As far as faith is concerned, all other knowledge and passages are important only insofar as they elucidate discipleship. My life seems to take me farther and farther away from religious or possible ordained life....it's always "the wrong place at the wrong time," and "if I'd have only known this 10 years ago," and phrases like that, which give a glimpse of terrible confusion and just plain bad luck. The minute I get what I really thought I needed to advance myself, this same 'get' becomes a headache of unimaginable proportions. I feel, when thinking about a desire for priesthood, like those guests who showed up for the wedding feast without proper garments. No, not even without proper garments, but garments that are offensive under even everyday circumstances. Torn jeans, smelly socks, dirty sneakers, smudged shirts. Like the church has simply neglected me and my appeal for help (in fact, it hasn't). Yet I have been old enough to help myself also for some time and outwardly I'm not really that offensive.
I don't know what to think. The desire to be a priest comes up again and again and again.