Can you answer some questions about my salvation?

hey everyone, ive been struggling for a while now and was wondering what your take and opinion is on this expirience i had, and was wondering about my salvation…

about two months ago on febuary 21st I was drinking with my friends and and i started to have a panic attack while i was drunk and thats when this whole horrible experience started,i will add that i do suffer from a mental illness and i do take meds for panic attacks and depression, anxiety and all that stuff but anyways as i was drunk having this panic attack i started to freak out, i thought i was going to die and being drunk made it that much worse, my friends had all passed out and went to sleep and i was the only one up and my friends had no idea that this was going on, and to this day still dont know but anyways heres where the story begins: In my mind i was so affraid i started to pray to god for help and i was pleading with him to make all the panic, racing heartbeat to just stop i opened my bible and began to pray and then i got the idea to take my pills? i thought that would make it all go away and i thought that was god speaking to me coming again to save me. but there i made my mistake after i took the pill EVERYTHING literally ten times worse, i felt i was disconected from reality i started panicing more i began thinking completly irrationaly i started thinking about all the evil things ive done in my life, all my sins from when i was just a kid, and since i thought this was god who told me to take the pills i thought he was punishing me and i litterally thought i was going to die. so i woke my parents up confessed to them about everything apologized for my disrespectfulness to them and just everything bad ive done in my life i confessed my sins to god apologized and repented for everything i pleaded and pleaded, then i started to think gods terribly mad and furious with me and is punishing me, and all my life before this ive had a blessed and have had a great relationship with god and it was just the past 6 months id say i started to fall away and stop regulargoing to church but he still always answered my prayers and stuff so i dont know whats happend but my mind got so destroyed from the meds and the alcohol that i started to think about the devil and think well what if a demon is gonna enter me in this disatached from reality state of mind and i was freaking out and that when the most evil and terrible lies just came and entered my head and all of them were all attacks telling me gods not real and teling me he is not gonna save me hes mad at me youve been bad and he hates you and just all these terrible doubting thoughts that i didnt even know i could think of? ive never thought them before? and in the next day still stuck in the warped view of reality and being bombarded and overwhelmed with all these thoughts i actually stoped believing in God. and it was the most alone and abandoned i have ever felt in my life i cried every day and i knew god was real in my heart because of all hes done for me but my mind was decieving me day and night, for two months i cried every single day that god was mad at me and that he has left me becuase i have felt in this disatatchment from reality for two months and during the beginning of month two i watched these movie ghost rider and some other movie that was about selling your soul to the devil and i had remeberd that i had had a thought about something like that a while ago and no joke i actually thought i sold my soul to the devil and that made everything worse i cried about my family my mistakes why i could be so dumb and be such a fool, i couldnt live with myself i had to go on the computer and look up and see that i actually did not sell my soul to the devil and that made me feel better I still questioned it a few weeks after that, and then still in the warped mind i was so affraid of being tricked by the devil because he had made me think i had sold my soul to him i was always thinking to myself what if this is a trick by the devil at one point i even thought god was tricking me, yeah it got that bad…now i have had to triple the amount of meds i take, the thoughts have gone away but my relationship with god has really taken a beating…i still think and wonder if hes mad at me or if hes forgivin me and its just not the same as it used to be, thats where my question comes in? when i was messed up in my mind and i stoped believing in god did i instantly loose my salvation??? thats what im wondering because after that moment i stoped believing in him i started having nightmares with the devil in my dreams thoughts of suicide, thats when all the evil thoughts came in my head and each day i was desberatly trying to get back to the salvation that i “FELT” i once had but i just wasnt feeling it, so now thats why i ask my question did i loose my salvation? and i have re-accepted christ and been “reborn” so im assuming now i do have it and from what others have told me it was the devil who did all of this? WHAT are your opinions on this, im really in need of your help! :confused:

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO TOOK THE TIME TO READ THIS!!
AND THANKS MORE TO ALL WHO REPLY!

-ryan

Dear Ryan,

Since this is the Ask an Apologist forum, you will only receive the reply of a Catholic apologist. By the fact that you are asking if you have to be reborn by re-accepting Christ, I assume that you are not a Catholic. Catholics believe that one is reborn by being baptized (Jn 3:5 and Mk 16:16).

We further believe that salvation is not the result of what we feel, but rather the result of our willingness to trust Jesus and to follow what He teaches through His Church.

If you were a Catholic, I would simply advise you to go to Confession. There, Jesus would absolve you of your sins through the power He gave to His Apostles and their successors. You would then have the assurance that all your sins are forgiven. If you are not a Catholic, we pray that you will focus on His passion and all that He endured on Good Friday to show you how much He loves you and then ask His forgiveness because you love Him as well.

I will send you privately a reflection on His passion to help you to focus. You are in our prayers, Ryan.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.

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