Hello. I am hesitant to write on this forum that I have suicidal thoughts, but if anyone here can help me, I think it would do more good than harm… I know someone else has posted recently about her temptation to suicide, and I read those threads. They were helpful in setting me straight a little bit. I don’t need anyone to restate for me what was already said there. I just thought I might start my own thread, though, so as not to take up space on hers.
I have had suicidal thoughts for about the last two years straight, now. The biggest reason for this is my college debt and my fear of never being able to get a fulfilling job to support myself. I approached college being practical and majoring in chemical engineering, but after two years I felt an urgency to study about the things of God. So I now have a bachelor’s in theology. I wanted to be a writer somehow, in that area. But realistically, going that route hasn’t opened many job opportunities. I was awarded a full scholarship for a graduate degree program in New York which I took, hoping that would help. And I finished the degree finally last October. Since then, however, I have been diagnosed with a mental illness and have taken on even more debt (living expenses in New York while in school). I owe $48,000. I live with my parents who pay my expensive health insurance and I work as a cashier.
I think I am just deathly afraid of my financial burden and the thought of being an adult fully responsible for myself out in the world. When I finished my bachelor’s as well as when I finished my master’s I felt like my life was over at those points. I just wanted to know theology. I didn’t necessarily have a plan of what to do with it afterwards. I am just a quiet little person. I don’t feel I can take charge of things in the real world. Academics was my domain. I don’t feel there is a real place for me after that. Religious life is not open to me in my situation, nor would I pursue it being suicidal.
Anyway, sorry for rambling about my situation. Let me get to the point. For the greater part of my life I have known suicide to be a mortal sin. I could never excuse those who committed it nor could I ever entertain the idea of committing it myself. It was just something I couldn’t do… like having sex before marriage… or turning away from the Faith… or murder. It was totally out of the question. But in the last two years it seems to have become a possibility. I’ve made extensive plans. I’ve spent whole days thinking about it. And yet, I could never harm myself in real life. Only in thought.
The thing is, even though they are only thoughts, they are destroying my present and my future. I don’t make long term plans nor have ambitions thinking “oh, I’ll probably be dead by then and won’t have to deal with it.” I remain stuck. And it gets harder and harder to pray and to attend Mass.
What I am asking is if anyone can help me return to that state where suicide was absolutely out of the question, not an option, so I can stop wasting my time with the devil thinking about it and get on with my life! I hope someone can please get that through my thick skull.