I feel like any day now I am going to break down. My husband is a hot-tempered, controlling, hyper-critical man. On a daily basis it is made known quite clearly what a disappointment I am to him, often in the form of exasperated sighs or comments like “never mind” and “I’ll guess I’ll have to do it myself.” He makes *itchy comments quite often, but whenever he is called on it, automatically resorts to “Don’t assume you know my tone! Ask me next time!” - even when it is fairly obvious to me and several other people that he has a nasty tone.
I am going to therapy, though the situation is very uncomfortable because my husband insists on knowing what I discuss with the therapist, and when I try to explain that I’d prefer it be private, he responds by sobbing uncontrollably that people express intimacy through sharing and its so painful to him that I can share things with someone else that I’m not sharing with him. So, I lie. I don’t tell him the truth- that my therapist suspects my husband has borderline personality disorder and is trying to help me cope with living with him.
I am expected to text him throughout the day, and if I am working from home he should be able to talk with me whenever he wants and any attempt to tell him to wait until the end of the workday is met with accusations that I am being unfair and trying to silence him.
When we fight, he unleashes the superlatives - I am the most selfish person he’s ever met, marrying me was the worst mistake of his life, he doesn’t love me anymore, he cannot rely on me for anything. That stays with me. I can’t get those words out of my head. It’s gotten to the point where I get robotic when we make love, I don’t want to listen to all the “you’re the best” and “I’m the lucky one, baby” garbage because I don’t believe it anymore.
I had an inappropriate correspondence with an old friend online several months back. I know its wrong and sinful and I feel horrible but I just wanted someone to act like I was a good and worthwhile person. He found out. Now, his worst qualities are magnified. I’m supposed to text him often to tell him where I am during the workday. He wants me to download an app in my cellphone that will say where I am all the time.
I can’t relax at all. During the workday, my husband is monitoring where I’m at (I drive around to different places in the course of a day) - if I’m running slow, he wants to know why, and I feel like I need to explain it to him. After the workday, and on weekends, I am at home. I can’t even pray at night more than a few words to myself after I get into bed - I’ve tried staying up later than him, he accuses me of being online and doing bad things.
I go to bed some nights wishing I wouldnt wake up in the morning. I hate my life. Only fear of hell and abandoning our baby stops me from taking my own life. Life wasnt supposed to be like this. I’m a good person, I never expected to be treated like someone’s queen but I’d hoped for more than this.