I'm a cradle Catholic and catechist in quite a pickle. I admit there are no excuses to what I knowingly have done, but am trying to find the best possible solution out of it and repent for what I have (and unfortunately continue) to do.
Fyi - I will be letting my RC know that I will need some time away from being a catechist since I do not currently consider my situation a good example (despite no one else really knows, but I do and so does God) and do not want to create scandal, confusion, etc.
So here's the story (as short as I can try to put it):
I met my wife in 2008, and we dated for about two years before we decided to get married. She was in high school then, age 18 (graduated late in 2010 at 20), and the plan was to wait for her to graduate so that we could get married, move in together, and attend the same college.
We were having pre-marital sex and the plan became a total fail due to that because we got pregnant in 2010, a little before her graduation date. Yes, as you can imagine, this was very embarrassing but we were knowingly doing what is wrong and these were the consequences of it. I love my daughter by the way (she is 1.5 years old now) but just wish I would have done things the right way as planned but oh well can't change the past.
It was a mix of emotions, still sort of is. I mean I was happy I was going to be a dad and have daughter with the love of my life but at the same time I betrayed God, my community/Parish, my faith formation students. It was just so wrong. :blush:
We got married through the civil court almost immediately at the request of my mother-in-law (she is protestant and believes that form of marriage is valid in God's eyes). We went to marriage prep at our (Catholic) church which is 6 months long. We only went for one month after feeling disillusioned because I lost my job. I was a paralegal and was getting paid great, loved my job (not my boss though), but lost my job and applied to what seemed like 100's of places and never found another one. Anyway, wedding had to be called off since I wasn't going to be able to afford it. I had already attended college so I had school debt and other bills/debt to pay off. Every penny had to go to something, don't forget we had a baby on the way. Now jobless, depending on savings and small jobs here and there.
My wife was Wesleyan, she has been attending RCIA since 2011, and is converting! I'm happy for her. She use to be Catholic, as a child, and was baptized during that time. Just threw that info. in so you would know that we can get married at our church.
I want a small wedding, I mean incredibly small, because I find it important to "mend" things with God ASAP. We are cohabiting. We have a child. I'm starving for the Eucharist. I do love her and want to marry her because of that too, as it was planned before having our daughter, but most importantly I want to be able to confess and not fall into sin immediately the second I walk out because of cohabitation etc. Technically my sin shouldn't even be absolved so there's not immediate re-sinning if not the same sin is there. I'm seriously going nuts I think. I LOVED teaching faith formation, and now I have to give that up too. How many kids have opened their eyes and accepted God after my class is just awesome! Its incredible. Yes it is my fault nonetheless that I'm in what I'm in.
The issue here, is my wife wants a huge wedding! She grew up with one parent only and they always struggled through life. My family on the other hand lived great, my dad has been blessed with a great business and we've never struggled financially. Her excuse is that she never had great things, she tells me sad stories of how they didn't have food or even money for rent, and how she dreamed of a beautiful extravagant wedding - but "like everything in my life, I won't be able to have it," she once told me in reference to her dream wedding. Its so sad, it hurts me to hear that given her hard past.
I can't give her that, at least not yet (not anytime soon). I still haven't found a job since then. I've had a few temp jobs. I'm now doing some freelance design work to keep the bills paid, but its not easy. I must admit God has not let us down, we have had enough for bills, food, and necessities somehow. My life now is different from when I was living with my parents and I actually appreciate experiencing this humble side of things, I feel like its built me up further spiritually. But that also feeds to my mixed emotions over all this.
Too long I know, I'm going to cut it short here. Spiritually I need God and as a Catholic the Eucharist is very important and I can't partake in it, which hurts me the most. At the same time I don't want to break my wife's dream wedding. I don't know what to do. :shrug: