I’ve been discerning religious life for a while and I so badly wanted to become a discalced Carmelite. Alas, the Lord has spoken through my doctor and it was a resounding no.
I have medical problems I was born with and I was very open about this with the community I was discerning with and they were very accepting of it. I did not actually apply, but was about to. So for my last to-do before applying I went to see my specialist to speak to him about it. I explained what life in the monastery would entail, and what they expect of me, and asked for his opinion especially whether or not he thought living the life in the monastery would ruin my health. He was sensitive to my desire to be a nun but told me what would happen if I slept that little and just lived that austerity. It would ruin what good health I do have and I would probably die young. So, this doctor is not the one who would be filling out my medical for the monastery, and my family doctor knows little about my specialized needs (it’s a fairly rare condition that basically all doctors who are not specially trained in the area know nothing about) so I know my family doctor would give me a pass for the medical, but I feel that would be dishonest of me to hand in a medical that says it’s okay when I know very well that my specialst says no. So to me, that’s a no from God.
So now I’m thinking…okay…God, you lead me this far… now what?? I’m so lost. I really don’t want to get married because of the demands of husband and family. I don’t want my attention divided. I’m so sad that I won’t have the veil and the community and the prayers with them. I’m heartbroken… It’s one of those things where I didn’t realize exactly how BADLY I wanted it until I knew I couldn’t have it. You never know what you’ve got 'till it’s gone…
Yes I could become a consecrated virgin or a diocesan hermit but that’s just… I don’t know. I’ve read about those vocations before and what sticks in my mind is that those two vocations are not consolation prizes for those who are rejected by monasteries. And the only reason I’m looking at them now is because I can’t become a nun! Oh Lord help me. Oh to be a nun! Such blessed women.
Right now, all I want to do is run off to some cabin in the woods and hide. What drew me to the monastery was the austerity, the silence, the solitude, the giving up all wordly cares and joys, the penances. How on earth is that possible when forced to live in the world? I feel so lost. I look at what the world has to offer and it’s not appetizing at all. I just want to be alone with Our Lord but I can’t have that now.
I take solace in how when Jesus walked on this earth he surely felt like he didn’t belong here. I must have felt how the things most people care about really don’t matter at all and he surely felt no desire for what the world wants. He must have grieved so much at seeing the sins of the people around him. And I can grieve with him in all this as well, except that I have much of my own sins to grieve over as well. I just don’t know what to do or where to go.