Can't get over husbands vasectomy


#1

My husband got a vasectomy 8 years ago against my will and I am still greiving almost every day over it. He has since confessed it at my asking. I was just wondering if anyone had a similar story and what they did to move on. He thinks that I should be over it because he confessed.


#2

God has forgiven him and it time for you to do so also. Who is you grieving hurting but you and your spouse?. And grieving and anger that hurts your relationship is encouraged not by God but by the Evil one-Saatn himself. Dont allow Satan to have a toehold in your marriage anymore.

BTW-if anyone tells you that you and your Husband have to be celibate because of his vasectomy they are dead wrong. The Church does NOT teach that. Forgive your Husband and watch how much closer you will become,


#3

What are you grieving?

If you’re grieving over the weight of sin on your husband, that has been lifted so you should be happy for him and at peace.

If you’re grieving the loss of having more children, then speak to your husband about adopting.

Certainly you are to forgive him for the vasectomy, though.

Any residual anger and resentment is probably geared toward his having done so against your will…that is a communications and trust issue that can be mended through various religious retreats or Catholic family therapy. Perhaps you should look into working on that as a couple.


#4

Did he ever apologize to you personally? Do you ever pray together for God’s will on this matter? Have you ever asked your husband to reverse the vascetomy, and if so how did he respond?

I think the op may have a right to grieve. Her husband took his reproductive parts–parts that he promised to her in marriage–and mutilated them against her wishes. He confessed this at her urging. Does he have any true contrition? If his attitude is that the vasectomy was no big deal, then she may not merely be grieving over a wrong done in the past but of an attitude that continues to wound her.

Of course I think she should forgive him, but maybe he needs to also do something to repair the damage. The organization called “One More Soul” helps people reverse sterilization. They might be able to help you and your husband. omsoul.com/


#5

Me too! That’s awful.:tsktsk:


#6

If he has confessed this sin - as he said he did - then we must believe he is contrite - For only sins confessed with a contrite heart are forgiven. To speculate otherwise is unkind and not what we should be doing.

I also say forgive him as Jesus has done. 8 years of grieving over this is enough - given the fact he has confessed.
Harboring resentment is not good and can’t be very helpful in your relationship.


#7

Contrition can be either perfect or imperfect. One can confess mortal sin because one is truly sorry or because he fears hell. Either way the sin is forgiven, but imperfect contrition leaves lingering attachment to the sin.

I don’t wish to be unkind in speculating about the husband, but I also think it unkind to simply dismiss the wife’s grief. Maybe she’s not simply harboring resentment for an old sin; maybe some residual attachment to his sin is the problem. I certainly think she should forgive her husband, but I’m suggesting that if this still bothers her after eight years, there may be more going on.

Some sterilized couples follow NFP guidelines and honor the woman’s fertile time with abstinence as a form of penance. Humanae Vitae warns that contraception can reduce women to being treated as sexual objects. NFP might reduce those feelings if they exist. The Church doesn’t require this, but maybe it might help, especially if he has any attachment to the continued birth control effects of his sterilization.

Beyond any guessing at his contrition, while a woman is of child bearing age she has monthly reminders that she is not carrying a baby. Maybe she desires another child. It is perfectly natural to desire marriage to be fruitful. Maybe God is tugging at her heart to encourage a reversal. The Church doesn’t require this, but I know people who have had them. Some have reversals and go on to have another child. Some couples simply pray together that God will send them a child if He desires in spite of the vasectomy.

Jesus most certainly offers forgiveness. I hope the original poster forgives her husband as well. Then together they can explore if any further measures are needed for healing.


#8

I’d been wondering how best to present my thoughts on the OP’s concerns, but I see you’ve done it for me. :slight_smile:


#9

How was he able to have the procedure done without your consent? Did he pay cash, or use insurance?

Usually the Urologist’s/Surgeon’s office pre-qualifies the patient, and asks if they are married. This is a VOLUNTARY procedure, and if the patient is married, there is usually a requirement that BOTH parties sign the medical release before the procedure is scheduled. (At least around here they know the social/religious/emotional implications involving this procedure, and CYA themselves to the hilt.)


#10

Gosh, certainly not around here. It would be considered a major violation of a patient’s autonomy to say nothing of medical privacy.


#11

That is solely up to each surgeon, and most nowadays, do not require ANY consent of the spouse. it’s illegal. Planned Parenthood vs Casey, Lawrence vs Texas, Griswold ect.

Florida, and i think Pennsylvania made it a crime to state you are single when you are really married on a non-official document for medical, dating, or business purposes because of this topic here, and several other reasons (like married people parading as single on dating sites). People used to fill out the question sheets as “Single” to avoid signing any consent.

if at all they ask for consent, it is for “mental health” ‘issues’ that they are allowed to, and not surgical or moral.


#12

I feel your pain, but hopefully my story might give you hope. My husband’s vasectomy was 9 yrs ago this December. He is having it reversed in November after years of prayer. For a long time, he said that it was confessed and that he was over it. We adopted two kids too. But, he was unwilling to go through a reversal because of the discomfort and the money. Last spring, I found a site called www.blessedarrows.org (a Protetestant group that funds reversal surgeries through donations) and learned of a Dr. in Oklahoma that does reversals as a ministry for a very low cost. He has a great success rate and does microsurgery.

Lo and behold, my husband had to do some serious soul searching and he finally admitted that he was STILL afraid to give up control in this area of his life. So, he did confess yes, but he wasn’t really on board with Church teaching and the V gave him an out. For me, after the adoptions which were a huge blessing, I realized that it was not about kids but about wanting our relationship to be as God intended. Now, the Church definitely does not require reversals, but I felt called to it and my dh has now agreed. He is still scared of the pain, but seems very much at peace overall. Perhaps if I was a better person, I could’ve truly just let it go, but it did bother me. No, holding onto unforgiveness is not good, but perhaps your feelings are a call from God to consider reversal? I would start by visiting One More Soul, as others have recommended, and Blessed Arrows (above).

Please feel free to PM me if you would like any more info, like about the Dr.

Nicole


#13

He is still scared of the pain, but seems very much at peace overall. Perhaps if I was a better person, I could’ve truly just let it go, but it did bother me. No, holding onto unforgiveness is not good, but perhaps your feelings are a call from God to consider reversal? I would start by visiting One More Soul, as others have recommended, and Blessed Arrows (above).

Please feel free to PM me if you would like any more info, like about the Dr.

Nicole

My husband had a reversal after 9 years also. He said the pain of the vasectomy was worse than the reversal pain. It was a little discomfort, thats all. He had constant pain in one testicle for years but that has disappeared since the reversal and exactly one year later, i fell pregnant with our beautiful son.

I can fully understand the op’s pain. It was a selfish act on her husbands part. I would not cope very well with being constantly reminded that I would never carry another baby. I insisted when I met my husband that he would HAVE to reverse it if he wanted to be with me. He agreed, reluctantly at first but he now loves his son and would love more at a later stage.
I would hope and pray that for her peace of mind, he would consider reversing it.
It is such a huge thing to have to bear especially when it was not a mutual decision.


#14

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