Can't stop thinking about "us"


#1

Update.

So I finished therapy. My therapist admitted that he couldn’t help me much, he was confused like me. He could only say I might be too scrupulous and he adviced me to go back to my exboyfriend, and try to not think so much, or try to control my negative thoughts.

He said I might be dissociating into the stage of a 13 year old and thus am, when I do that, of course overwhelmed with adult love, commitment and sexuality.

He said that I had been abused at least intellectually when I was 16 where I was seduced by a much older man. A very damaging relationship.

So after what he said I asked more friends and family about their oppinions. They seem to say two things:

  • You talk about your ex all the time… surely it seems you are attracted to him and maybe in love.
  • Go for it. He is the sweetest and best guy, you suffer from scruples. etc
  • if you are still as confused as ever… leave it and find another man.

I actually planned to see my ex boyfriend again after 3 whole months. My family wished to take me to the city where he is and arrange a meeting. To my surprise my ex said no, he said he was tired. But it seems he is tired of the back-and-forth with me… my insecurity has worn him down a great deal so even though he still loves me (acc to my brother in love) he just can’t be together until I’m totally comitted. And I don’t blame him…
I do feel time is running out.

My therapist said: Go and be with him… even if it means risking another failure. You wish to control everything, to be totally hundred percent perfect and not hurt anyone.
When he said that I was so happy and relieved. I have suffered from much guilt, and he told me not to feel guilty… my my joy lasted only for a short time.

My confusion or anxiety has come back. When my brother- in-law called my ex to arrange a meeting I felt very fearful. Like I was going to plunge into something huge without having really changed in terms of feeling sure.

My therapists said I always want unattaintable men… they are safer somehow. I don’t know. But I am so angry and sad about myself: I want my ex but I feel so confused and like I love him and don’t love him at the same time. Im attracted and feel like we dont fit at the same time… It all makes me anxious. I’m unhappy with him and unhappy without him…
But I have never met a man like him… and I feel like I just can’t let go, although I prayed so much for strength to do so.
Maybe me stupid romances with wrong and strange men have forever messed up my mind.

Any insight… especially from people with a prophetic ministry, would be greatly appreciated. God seems so silentin this matter…

:frowning:


#2

You seem, no offense and allow me to be blunt, very obsessed and unhealthy. We can’t give therapeutic or clinical advice here. I’m sorry that your therapists have not been helpful. Seek out Christ in the Eucharist and consider getting a spiritual director (a priest), and maybe a different therapist. See if you can find a faithful Catholic one.


#3

[quote="GraceDK, post:1, topic:237648"]
Update.

So I finished therapy. My therapist admitted that he couldn't help me much, he was confused like me. He could only say I might be too scrupulous and he adviced me to go back to my exboyfriend, and try to not think so much, or try to control my negative thoughts.

He said I might be dissociating into the stage of a 13 year old and thus am, when I do that, of course overwhelmed with adult love, commitment and sexuality.

He said that I had been abused at least intellectually when I was 16 where I was seduced by a much older man. A very damaging relationship.

So after what he said I asked more friends and family about their oppinions. They seem to say two things:
- You talk about your ex all the time.. surely it seems you are attracted to him and maybe in love.
- Go for it. He is the sweetest and best guy, you suffer from scruples. etc
- if you are still as confused as ever.. leave it and find another man.

I actually planned to see my ex boyfriend again after 3 whole months. My family wished to take me to the city where he is and arrange a meeting. To my surprise my ex said no, he said he was tired. But it seems he is tired of the back-and-forth with me.. my insecurity has worn him down a great deal so even though he still loves me (acc to my brother in love) he just can't be together until I'm totally comitted. And I don't blame him..
I do feel time is running out.

My therapist said: Go and be with him.. even if it means risking another failure. You wish to control everything, to be totally hundred percent perfect and not hurt anyone.
When he said that I was so happy and relieved. I have suffered from much guilt, and he told me not to feel guilty... my my joy lasted only for a short time.

My confusion or anxiety has come back. When my brother- in-law called my ex to arrange a meeting I felt very fearful. Like I was going to plunge into something huge without having really changed in terms of feeling sure.

My therapists said I always want unattaintable men.. they are safer somehow. I don't know. But I am so angry and sad about myself: I want my ex but I feel so confused and like I love him and don't love him at the same time. Im attracted and feel like we dont fit at the same time.. It all makes me anxious. I'm unhappy with him and unhappy without him..
But I have never met a man like him.. and I feel like I just can't let go, although I prayed so much for strength to do so.
Maybe me stupid romances with wrong and strange men have forever messed up my mind.

Any insight... especially from people with a prophetic ministry, would be greatly appreciated. God seems so silentin this matter.....

:(

[/quote]

Try to put yourself at the first position in your life, after God.
God has created you, He want that you are happy. Try to find your self in God law.
You have mass in your head.
You can make no one to love you.
You must love yourself,work on your good quality .


#4

Altho we are not allowed to give psychological advice, I have found in general that romantic relationships cannot fix people, whatever their problems may be. First work on your own problems, preferably with a Catholic but definitely with a female counselor, maybe one experienced with rape. Then, when you have a better handle on your problems, you will be in better shape to marry, which is what romantic relationships are supposed to be about.

And say a prayer for your old boyfriend each time you think about him, and stop yoirself daydreaming about him. I used to do that sort of thing, and what I realkzed was that I was having 2 relationships, one real and one imaginary.


#5

I would not presume to offer insight to anyone already seeing a competent therapist, except that if there is spiritual damage as well that needs pastoral care that you also see a priest. I would very much mistrust anyone claiming to offer “prophetic ministry” whatever that might be to an anonymous stranger over the internet. We will be praying for you. If it is spiritual advice you are seeking, mine would be to stop thinking about “us” if there is no “us” at this time, and start thinking about Jesus Christ who died and rose to free you from such turmoil as bondage to feelings.


#6

“I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn’t know this either, but love don’t make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren’t here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. The storybooks are bs.”

Ronny Cammareri from the movie Moonstruck.


#7

This quote, makes me smile :slight_smile: Big time.

Grace, I am praying for you to receive some peace and personal insight. We cannot offer you therapeutic advice here, but we can offer support and empathy.
:grouphug:

Much love and God bless,
M


#8

I wasn’t going to say anything but you’re an adult and I’m sure that you’re able to sift through good and bad advice. I don’t see much use for therapy for the vast majority of people… but that is just me. I know it probably puts me at odds with most of the people on CAF. :slight_smile: So now you know where I come from.

The one thing that stuck out with me is how damaged you think you are. When it comes to therapy and mental health there seem to be two extremes that I’ve noticed. One is being a Macho Man and denying help when you actually need it and the other is starting a pity party and believing that you’re much less resilient than you actually are. It seems to become a self fulfilling prophecy with many people who have experienced some kind of abuse or trauma. They believe, along with their parents; friends; and relatives, that they should be damaged and weak because of their experience, and so they become damaged and weak. Is there any particular reason that you can’t be a strong and resilient person? Why would you let a poisonous relationship you had when you were only 16 define who you are?

Your therapist already said he couldn’t help you. Have you thought it is because there is nothing wrong with you? At least nothing beyond what you’re bringing upon yourself.


#9

[quote="KostyaJMJ, post:8, topic:237648"]
I wasn't going to say anything but you're an adult and I'm sure that you're able to sift through good and bad advice. I don't see much use for therapy for the vast majority of people... but that is just me. I know it probably puts me at odds with most of the people on CAF. :) So now you know where I come from.

The one thing that stuck out with me is how damaged you think you are. When it comes to therapy and mental health there seem to be two extremes that I've noticed. One is being a Macho Man and denying help when you actually need it and the other is starting a pity party and believing that you're much less resilient than you actually are. It seems to become a self fulfilling prophecy with many people who have experienced some kind of abuse or trauma. They believe, along with their parents; friends; and relatives, that they should be damaged and weak because of their experience, and so they become damaged and weak. Is there any particular reason that you can't be a strong and resilient person? Why would you let a poisonous relationship you had when you were only 16 define who you are?

Your therapist already said he couldn't help you. Have you thought it is because there is nothing wrong with you? At least nothing beyond what you're bringing upon yourself.

[/quote]

Dear friend. Thanks for your kind reply.
You have common sense. So, I think, do I.
My major trouble right now is that I am so ambivalent like I never was in my life. It seems there is litterally a war going on in my head.
Thats my frustration.
I don't define myself according to what happend to me when I was a teenager.. however, I do see that what the therapeut said, was correct. I have been acting infantile within relationships, engaged in selfdestructive behaviour, had traumatic reactions to sexuality-related issues in relationships.
I gave this information so that people could better advice me.
My therapeut said that my inability to choose is somewhat a borderliner trait. But where to go from there?
I feel like a great man is slipping out of my hands, and I am paralysed in my stomach.. like I can't move.. I I don't know whats going on with me.
In relationships I can merely tell you.. it seems Im not functioning. I am good at being friends with men, and they dont find me unattractive, but when attraction and relationship is on the table, I get into some kind of strange behaviour.

I am in the end of my 20s and I can see myself never becoming really healthy in my relationship with men. I have always wanted to be married and have children at this point.. but here I am still single and more confused than ever, and there is a guy outthere who loves me in a unselfish amazing way and he has almost all traits that I am looking for in a spouse...
So I am naturally frustrated.

Again thanks for your refreshing post.

To everyone else.. thank you kindly for your thoughts.. :)


#10

I have borderline personality disorder. My inability to choose has caused me a lot of pain, but sometimes you have to make a blind leap :slight_smile: It won’t work out in your favor every time, but God’s will is going to become apparent at some point in your life. Have hope for healthy relationships, it just takes more work for some than others.


#11

Wow, a blind leap, eh?
My therapist said the same thing… that I should take a blind leap and not try to control everything. But I am so afraid of feeling anxious again and hurting my ex boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve that.
Did you get help with your borderliner symptoms, especially learning how to deal with the inability to choose? Maybe you got some tools from a therapist that you can tell me about??

:slight_smile:


#12

Hey, Grace. You've been a long-timer and we've crossed paths in many threads, it's painful to see you in such turmoil now. But you need to remember God is greater than that and you're stronger than that yourself as well, from what I've been able to tell.

I can't really come up with much advice, I agree you may want to see a new therapist and perhaps a priest but neither of them will likely help you solve the problem with the ex-boyfriend. Certainly neither of them can solve it for you. Basically, one needs to choose at some point.

Speaking of which, I too am one of those who are bad at choosing and particularly when it comes to women, be it either yes or no choice or multiple. But at various points in my life I have felt very well decided, even where there actually should have been more doubt. This leads me to the conclusion that when I don't feel it, it isn't there. Say, pretty, Catholic, educated, somewhat of a good person but nothing clicks. This happens sometimes. But if I were to plunge into analysis, I would come out with a good explanation why it doesn't click. It just takes a longer moment to dress it up as proper science.

Maybe you have a similar thing with your ex? Maybe something in you would have to go. Maybe this or that need would not be fulfilled. This or that hobby or talent would go to waste. Or there wouldn't be intellectual challenge. Or you'd have to live a lifestyle you didn't like. Or maybe he's simply a good guy to have but you can't honestly say you've been waiting for him all life.

As for scruples and vain fears, yes, some people do have them and end up unable to form a relationship because of a fear of responsibility or commitment. On the other hand, those fears frequently go play golf in the country club when the right (or, frequently, wrong) person comes. Suddenly woah! one is somehow as ready as any.

So if you have a case of the kind that doesn't go away without serious intervention, I'd work on it. On the other hand, if you're pretty sure you don't have such a serious problem, then you probably haven't found the guy for you. For this or that reason.

And forgetting is difficult. As you know from past relationships, it takes a while. Sometimes it takes a while even without a relationship. For example there's that distressed damsel I in all likelihood should have forgotten many a moon ago but my litigation-hardened brain managed to "see" her in the street no later than late February this year, notwithstanding I had last seen her 11 months prior (and first 13 months prior for that matter). Sometimes you just can't control what your senses do to you but you can control what you do with it.


#13

[quote="chevalier, post:12, topic:237648"]
Hey, Grace. You've been a long-timer and we've crossed paths in many threads, it's painful to see you in such turmoil now. But you need to remember God is greater than that and you're stronger than that yourself as well, from what I've been able to tell.

I can't really come up with much advice, I agree you may want to see a new therapist and perhaps a priest but neither of them will likely help you solve the problem with the ex-boyfriend. Certainly neither of them can solve it for you. Basically, one needs to choose at some point.

Speaking of which, I too am one of those who are bad at choosing and particularly when it comes to women, be it either yes or no choice or multiple. But at various points in my life I have felt very well decided, even where there actually should have been more doubt. This leads me to the conclusion that when I don't feel it, it isn't there. Say, pretty, Catholic, educated, somewhat of a good person but nothing clicks. This happens sometimes. But if I were to plunge into analysis, I would come out with a good explanation why it doesn't click. It just takes a longer moment to dress it up as proper science.

Maybe you have a similar thing with your ex? Maybe something in you would have to go. Maybe this or that need would not be fulfilled. This or that hobby or talent would go to waste. Or there wouldn't be intellectual challenge. Or you'd have to live a lifestyle you didn't like. Or maybe he's simply a good guy to have but you can't honestly say you've been waiting for him all life.

As for scruples and vain fears, yes, some people do have them and end up unable to form a relationship because of a fear of responsibility or commitment. On the other hand, those fears frequently go play golf in the country club when the right (or, frequently, wrong) person comes. Suddenly woah! one is somehow as ready as any.

So if you have a case of the kind that doesn't go away without serious intervention, I'd work on it. On the other hand, if you're pretty sure you don't have such a serious problem, then you probably haven't found the guy for you. For this or that reason.

And forgetting is difficult. As you know from past relationships, it takes a while. Sometimes it takes a while even without a relationship. For example there's that distressed damsel I in all likelihood should have forgotten many a moon ago but my litigation-hardened brain managed to "see" her in the street no later than late February this year, notwithstanding I had last seen her 11 months prior (and first 13 months prior for that matter). Sometimes you just can't control what your senses do to you but you can control what you do with it.

[/quote]

Thanks Clevalier. You are always kind in your replies.
Somehow I doubt my feelings.
The times where I felt most were the times where I got into most trouble. My feelings did not correpond to either sanity, the truth about these persons, nor my life goals. Maybe therefore I am paralysed with fear of throwing away a perfectly good relationship and the authentic love of a good man, just because of my own fears, scruples, and inability to function with emotional soundness...
I have a friend who used to fall for the wrong kind of men; very troubled or unattainable men. She had many relationships, also long ones with these unstable "interesting" persons until one day she woke up and was 40 years old and didn't have a man who was a good Catholic husband and father material.
God then blessed her with a husband.. a calm and good Catholic man.. but it demanded a major leap of faith for her to marry him, because those big butterfly-feelings were not there.. Coming from a troubled back ground (her dad was alcoholic) she had felt more at home with unstable men. I fear that my own bad father-relation might be a factor too.
My friend adviced me not to be like her and let so much time pass. ...

But anyhow, thank you for your reply. I am sorry about your own struggles in this area. Why didn't it work out with you and that lady?


#14

Grace, what I’m saying now is with the understanding that I’m not a qualified psychologist by any means, but the alcoholic father often has a lot to do with women’s preference in men later on. Or any father that manages to achieve the same results in a child as an alcoholic one. The women end up conditioned to expect risky, troubled situations and adapt to them. In a certain way, functioning with an alcoholic (or some other troubled person) becomes their natural habitat.

As for unattainable men—or women—this isn’t really about alcoholics, but it has similar mechanics. It’s about achieving some of the emotional states but without stepping out of a certain “comfort” zone (where comfort is misery, actually). Or it may even be about fulfilling the need to love but without being able to form a real relationship because of certain blocks or inadequacies (or even lack of a role model to rely on in place of own experience). I suppose people who do get over their bad experience and inclinations resulting from such bad experience, still lack the positive, substantive experience on which they could rely in building a relationship (I have much of the same problem myself, I guess).

But anyhow, thank you for your reply. I am sorry about your own struggles in this area. Why didn’t it work out with you and that lady?

Well, we were drawn instinctly to each other and in the words of my friends and colleagues we certainly didn’t look like acquintances, nor did she behave like one according to them, so it’s not just my judgement. In fact, she was visibly attracted, with many particular biological signs or gestures or words to betray it, and actually some completely overt advances. However, she insisted on calling it that we were colleagues only and rejecting most of those moves that came from me. What is more, she apparently felt comfortable and secure. I actually caught her getting somewhat giddy, or caring, or being excited or even alluding to marriage or a wedding semi-subconsciously more than once, despite the foregoing.

I was taking it very hard, being attracted so much to her and caring for her, I was visibly tired from the back-and-forth, having also moral doubts as to whether I should even see her in such a situation, and I felt unjustly treated. In the end there was an outpouring on her part just before Easter 2010 about my supposedly egoistic reaction, supposedly showing my true character, when I was peeved at an off-colour comment that I took as intended to elicit jealousy from me or provoke some other interested response… done by someone claiming to be not interested in me, which annoyed me because that’s not something you do to people you actually care for (as a friend) when you don’t return their romantic feelings. There was a stream of accusations and a lot of pontificating. I should’ve told her she was out of bounds and should phone me when ready to talk respectfully but instead I broke into apologising because I feared I had hurt her without noticing it and was afraid she’d end the conversation. She apparently forgot about the whole thing later but we never saw each other or talked on the phone afterwards, there were only text messages, in which she returned to addressing me in a caring and respectful manner (that’s rarely found these days). Texts stopped in May 2010, we had a short formal exchange in August, then I sent a kind but formal Christmas greeting that didn’t invite any conversation but she wanted to know how things were going with me and asked questions. Nothing followed after that. Except just before those texts in May, I received anonymous text messages through an Internet gateway, apparently from a woman who had burnt her chances with me and wanted to share it with me for some reason, after which, when I melted to the plight, I faced a familiar stream of accusations of egoism and the whole thing died. Can’t attribute it to her for certain, though.

All in all, she wasn’t telling everything, she probably was conflicted, her past probably had a lot to do with it. I suppose she couldn’t free herself of the back and forth (sometimes it took her a couple of minutes from alluding to marriage (?!) to insisting we were just colleagues), the drama and the mystification. Though justice be done to her, she may have had some doubts about me as I did about her (off-colour remarks were one, ability to change so dramatically over several minutes was another).

I still don’t know if and when I did the right or the wrong this or what this was about, what lessons it was meant to bring into my life. But I can’t forget even though I’ve been somewhat interested in a couple of ladies in the meantime. There’s a chance it’s some kind of fixation, loss or whatever, I guess. You can see where things can go with troubled people. I’m pretty sure she had some history and I certainly did.


#15

Grace,

I think the best thing you can do right now is seek one on one counseling with a priest. I used to be in therapy (for different issues) and I found the experience to be most unsatisfying and unhelpful. One day I finally decided to visit the local parish and talk to the priest. That is when everything changed for me. He helped me look at things from a completely different perspective and to focus on my relationship with God before anything else. I think maybe that might be the best thing for you right now, to focus on yourself before trying to enter this relationship. Once you find that stability and peace you will be in a much better position to deal with other things.

I wish you all the best.


#16

Hi Grace,
relinquishing control is difficult. I do not know how to advise you on letting go... it takes time and energy :-/ When I find myself at a crossroads, I weigh out my options and drive myself crazy. The think that grounds me works like this:
I make sure that all options are viable, both economically and mentally. I made sure that they will work for me, my family, and will be affordable.

That right there will eliminate some options.

Then, I think about which option seems the most healthy decision for me at that point in my life. It seems weird to apply this to relationships, but it worked for my husband and I! I got pregnant before we were married, and I thought long and hard throughout our child's first year of life if we were a good match for marriage or not. It took a lot of soul searching and counseling to reach the point where I felt I could handle being married to him for the rest of my life.

If I find myself getting worried about my choices, I pray and I look at things as objectively as possible. I don't believe in soul mates or finding the 'one'. Sometimes that surface chemistry can be deceptive, as the sparks will eventually die out. I believe in compatibility, morals and ethics that align, and similar spiritual goals (for us Catholics- heaven!). My husband and I love each other and have a very fulfilling relationship. It requires work, though!

Being a borderline Person, I struggle a lot with volatility and finding myself becoming somewhat demanding emotionally. I have to step back and remember why I feel this urge, and remind myself that it is unfair to expect him to ramp up false intensity for my sake. I remember also that the way he shows love is different than how I show it, and that gestures I might take for granted are ways he is showing his love for me.

I hope you find some peace :-/
The anxiety can be consuming and maddening. Last summer was our first summer as a married couple, and I temporarily came unglued. I went through days where I barely ate and had to force myself out of bed, and then had days where I painted an entire room in one day, cleaned the house top to bottom, and went on crafting frenzies.

It was all manifestations of my anxiety over the marriage. I went to a therapist, and evaluated my actions, and realized that I was 'acting out' due to anxiety. I had to reshape everything, putting myself on a strict schedule until I started to level out again.

I hate to mention this, because I know there are strong opinions and feelings about it,
but medication saved my life. I am on prozac, and it has leveled me out just enough to become a functioning, but still passionate person.

:hug1:
there is light somewhere at the end of the tunnel!


#17

It sounds like your therapist is confused and you are looking outside for answers. The one thing that makes me feel a little uncomfortable is that he was giving you advice about actions, such as take a leap of faith, and you would feel better temporarily but then your confusion would return. That suggests to me you may want to speak with a priest or another therapist who works with you on the issues of resolving ambivalent and confused thoughts and feelings. This is also advice but it is advice to try to find someone who can help you figure out how to trust your instincts, and what that means regarding healthy vs. less healthy behavior. Resolving specific dilemmas will take longer this way, but in the end you may learn to trust yourself more.

It can be easy for a therapist to label what is going on, such as borderline symptoms or whatever, and suggest a course of action. Sometimes that is very helpful and a lot of people benefit from it. Other times people really need to take the time to agonize as bad as that sounds b/c paying attention to what is in your mind - and getting help for that from a therapist - might help you resolve all sorts of conflicts, not just this one.

This does not mean he's a bad therapist, or that he does not care, or that he has not helped you, but your conflicts appear to be very significant and the issue of "Can I trust myself?" appears to be a pretty big conflict. Since the therapist is saying he is confused at this point, it may be time to talk to a priest with experience in pastoral counseling or another secular therapist.

Also expressive therapy (art, music, writing, etc.) where you work on expressing your feelings and may or may not show it to anyone, may help, as long as it does not bring up too many upsetting feelings. Sometimes people can show themselves the truth in a nonverbal way - for example by painting something that encapsulates their view of a current life situation.

take care.


#18

Themeginthemoon.
Great name! Thanks for your input. I’m not a borderliner, said my therapist. I just have that one seemingly borderliner trait: My utter undecidedness which is driving me insane. But like some posters said, I don’t know if its just because its the wrong man or if I’m not functioning (which I guess is somehow what I hope,. because I want him to be the right man).
I definately have been poor at comitting in the past. I entered relationships that had a visible out… relationships that had no real prospects. I was very passionate in these relationships, and when I think back, I don’t miss the persons but the feelings of belonging and intensity of life with them.

With my ex it’s not like that. He is emotionally stable and controlled and dedicated. When I think about him I think about his kindness, his values, our great conversations, our attraction, how we seemed like a great match in front of my family and friends (who all tell me to give it a second go), how safe I felt with him, his purity and faithfulness. I’ve never been loved like that before.

Desdiamond.
Thanks for your advice… but GRRR… I’m not 21 years old anymore. I wish I were long married, ya know. :frowning:
+And with every day, I feel like my ex is slipping still further away. I don’t even know if he would take me back now, we haven’t seen each other for 3 months and his replies get smaller and smaller and more detached whenever I write.
I cannot be calm.
But you are right… I need to talk to a priest. I need to pray more too…

Chevalier.
Its difficult for me to understand what went on in your relationship… but it seems the lady had problems… maybe not so different from mine - who knows.
But its clear that you were struck hard and I am sorry about that. Are you on internetdating?

I ask my self… am I in love with him since I think about him every hour… or am I just worried…
By the way, my dad is not alcoholic, we just never bonded. I felt like a nuissance to him when I was a child. In my adult life I feel quite ackward around him. Im working on my relationship with him though. In my late teens I heard that he would have been fine with never having children. However, I love him… he just is like he is…


#19

Grace, your situation with your father is somewhat similar to mine, i.e. the overall almost-absence. There were other factors, too. I guess you share some traits with adult children of alcoholics, as do I (in my case, though, not exclusively due to the broken family problem). But I’m not sure to what extent romantic problems can be attributed to it. There’s always the chance the particular match simply didn’t work.

As for that girl, thank you for your kind words. I don’t understand either. There are simply too many contradictions and not enough data. I wish I could just forget.

As for online dating, yes, I am. But a photo with a couple of variables to it, one of a couple dozen or hundred thousand, feels like an Excel sheet or a CV for an office job. It’s hard to become echanted by it and I’m definitely not a pragmatic type (even though I love crunching numbers and variables). I need a story, not just swapping rings and starting to make babies, pardon my French.


#20

[quote="chevalier, post:19, topic:237648"]
Grace, your situation with your father is somewhat similar to mine, i.e. the overall almost-absence. There were other factors, too. I guess you share some traits with adult children of alcoholics, as do I (in my case, though, not exclusively due to the broken family problem). But I'm not sure to what extent romantic problems can be attributed to it. There's always the chance the particular match simply didn't work.

As for that girl, thank you for your kind words. I don't understand either. There are simply too many contradictions and not enough data. I wish I could just forget.

As for online dating, yes, I am. But a photo with a couple of variables to it, one of a couple dozen or hundred thousand, feels like an Excel sheet or a CV for an office job. It's hard to become echanted by it and I'm definitely not a pragmatic type (even though I love crunching numbers and variables). I need a story, not just swapping rings and starting to make babies, pardon my French.

[/quote]

Dear brother.
What are those traits do you think?
You are right that it might simply be a bad match and because I have been spoiled ever so much I cannot accept this... I don't know. I am so confused that even my confusion is an area of scrutiny so I start to doubt whether what I think and say has any truth.. maybe I am manipulative. I know.. it sounds crazy. My sister, who is closest to me of all, thinks it would be best for me to meet another man.. But I feel like this is it.. if its not him, then who could it be.. I see a world full of troubled men.. and Catholic men don't grow on every tree. I somehow feel I will be alone the rest of my life, and wont have courage to meet anyone anymore if I let so wonderful a gift pass me by.

Anyway I wanted to comment on what you said about internet dating. "I need a story" indeed, that is well put. I also find internet dating very 'sterile'.


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