So I finished therapy. My therapist admitted that he couldn’t help me much, he was confused like me. He could only say I might be too scrupulous and he adviced me to go back to my exboyfriend, and try to not think so much, or try to control my negative thoughts.
He said I might be dissociating into the stage of a 13 year old and thus am, when I do that, of course overwhelmed with adult love, commitment and sexuality.
He said that I had been abused at least intellectually when I was 16 where I was seduced by a much older man. A very damaging relationship.
So after what he said I asked more friends and family about their oppinions. They seem to say two things:
- You talk about your ex all the time… surely it seems you are attracted to him and maybe in love.
- Go for it. He is the sweetest and best guy, you suffer from scruples. etc
- if you are still as confused as ever… leave it and find another man.
I actually planned to see my ex boyfriend again after 3 whole months. My family wished to take me to the city where he is and arrange a meeting. To my surprise my ex said no, he said he was tired. But it seems he is tired of the back-and-forth with me… my insecurity has worn him down a great deal so even though he still loves me (acc to my brother in love) he just can’t be together until I’m totally comitted. And I don’t blame him…
I do feel time is running out.
My therapist said: Go and be with him… even if it means risking another failure. You wish to control everything, to be totally hundred percent perfect and not hurt anyone.
When he said that I was so happy and relieved. I have suffered from much guilt, and he told me not to feel guilty… my my joy lasted only for a short time.
My confusion or anxiety has come back. When my brother- in-law called my ex to arrange a meeting I felt very fearful. Like I was going to plunge into something huge without having really changed in terms of feeling sure.
My therapists said I always want unattaintable men… they are safer somehow. I don’t know. But I am so angry and sad about myself: I want my ex but I feel so confused and like I love him and don’t love him at the same time. Im attracted and feel like we dont fit at the same time… It all makes me anxious. I’m unhappy with him and unhappy without him…
But I have never met a man like him… and I feel like I just can’t let go, although I prayed so much for strength to do so.
Maybe me stupid romances with wrong and strange men have forever messed up my mind.
Any insight… especially from people with a prophetic ministry, would be greatly appreciated. God seems so silentin this matter…