I am Catholic and soon to be married. I always assumed good sexual relations “just happened” once you got married, but recently an older friend brought this up when I was asking him about marriage. He said it does not “just happen”. Anyways, I would like some real good Catholic advice or resouces on what to expect sexually on my honeymoon. I would also like to be able to take care of my future wife incase things don’t go as planned. Thanks.
Hi, and welcome to the forums!!
Christopher West’s book, The Good News About Sex and Marriage, is an excellent resource.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
IMO too many people on this forum site this an “excellent resource” reference, when it is only a resource but not for everyone. If you read a lot of the posts on this site, it’s almost used a reference like the Bible, so be careful. You may find it to your liking and you may not.
Pretty much nothing in life “just happens”. And like everything else, communication is a key to a good sex life. I’m sure there are some that will have horrible stories. Ignore those. For us, the first time we got to unite our entire selves was wonderful probably because we didn’t go into it with larger than life expecations and pressures. We just saw it for what it was - an incredible gift between just us. Nobody here can tell you what to expect because that union is special to you and your future wife. I can tell you this. While you’ll never get to relive that special moment, as your communications skills get better (this is an ongoing lesson which I doubt anyone has fully mastered even after years of marriage) the sex probably will too. It’s a special way of communicating your love and yourself.
The Good News About Sex and Marriage can give you a good perspective. It’s not going to give you a play by play but it is quite helpful in understanding the role sex plays in married life. I’m sure it’s touted because it’s one of the major works on the subject.
Sex doesn’t just “happen.” It is a skill that takes years of practice. My husband and I have been married for 28 years, and we still “practice.” We’re actually quite good at it!
I would compare it to a “sport” or a “dance.” You have to learn the basic skills first. Then you practice and practice until you get good at the basic skills. Then you can move on to the finer points of the sport or dance.
I hope it’s OK to post this website link:
It’s a Christian site, mainly Protestant, but Catholics participate. I have never seen anyone criticized for Catholic beliefs about NFP, large families, etc.
I highly recommend it. My daughter is engaged and I have referred her to this site.
It is extremely explicit and you will learn a lot. There is a section for virgins (male and female) about what to expect on the wedding night, very explicit.
I suppose some people would call this kind of information “titillating.” Well, I wish I had had this kind of specific information on the wedding night! I think that your question demonstrates that many people think sex is just kind of a “reflex.” This is so incorrect and can lead to disillusionment and unhappiness.
Having sex is a perfectly natural function. It’s sweet, fun, exhilarating and overall just a wonderful experience.
Try not to get worked up about it too much. If you and your fiance know each other well and can communicate (and have a sense of humor) you should be fine.
What? I am confused site what as an “excellent resource?” CAF? I do not see that hardly anywhere that CAF is sited as the end all be all of what there is to know about sexual relations between a husband and a wife. I think that a lot of people here understand what the sacrament of marriage is and what it means to live that especially in the marital act.
Man, I wish I would’ve found that site before I was married for my DH and I…would’ve saved us a lot of grief! We were one of those couples who thought great sex “just happened” and were upset when we found out this to be not the case! If I had read that website before I was married, maybe i wouldn’t have that something was wrong with me or my hubby after our wedding night, lol! :rolleyes:
To the OP, just relax and enjoy it for what it is and realize that sex gets better with time, like a good wine
it just happened for centuries, not until the modern age of learning about everything from books, talk shows, videos and websites did people have problems. If you focus on building true intimacy (spiritual, intellectual and emotional, not physical) before marriage in the precious courtship and engagement period, including above all good communication skills, verbal and non-verbal, and true empathy with one another, the rest will come at the proper time and place, and gradually, like opening a gift that keeps on giving (think 12 days of Christmas). it is something you should learn together by pleasing one another, putting the other’s needs first, asking for what you want, and giving what you are asked for (in all that does not violate human dignity). to learn about this from third parties is tragic and begins the marriage on a disordered basis. Unless there are side issues, mental, physical, emotional etc. that need treatment and therapy, leave 3rd parties out of it. (including and especially your family and friends).
I agree . My wife and I have been married a little over a month. I thought the “marital embrace” would be naturally awesome with no communication or work (as if we were alread ‘hard wired’ to make it happen perfectly). I was wrong but even after 1 month I notice things are 110% better. I went to the website and checked out the link for guys to read before their wedding night. It was pretty good except for the ABC stuff. Very descriptive (felt like I was blushign when I read it) but I think most guys need it.
First of all, don’t expect anything. Just let it happen naturally. Otherwise you may get a little to nervous and neither one of you will enjoy yourselves as much as you should. Just keep in mind the teachings of the church and go with the flow. If things are over, shall we say rather quickly, no big deal. The second round only gets better! And that’s kind of the point, it only gets better.
Mirror, I believe the poster was referring to my book recommendation, which apparently isn’t to his/her liking.
Everything in Mr. West’s book is solidly Catholic, and puts sex into the proper theological perspective. Since the original poster asked about Catholic advice on sex, I thought this book would be helpful.
I thought that the post was related to those on CAF that offer advice from a Catholic perspective and that was not to his/her liking.
Briefly, I thought that it was the book recommendation, but dismissed it, maybe too quickly. Sad that some do not want to know the truth.
I agree with you 110% about CW’s book. I would not have the view of sex within marriage if it had not been for his books and talks. He does a wonderful job of explaining the Theology of the Body by JPII. I am in awe of this teaching and think that it is so important to understand that. TGNAS&M is a wonderful book and provides so much guidance in this area. I wish that all engaged couples would be required to read this in preparation for their marriage.
It’s important to regard the “marital embrace” from the perspective of our Creator and His Divine plan for marriage and sexuality. Love and sexual intercourse of man and wife that places God in the center is the way to fullfillment, regardless of physical experience or secular opinions.Talk to your fiance regarding what you both expect, after all we’re talking about a lifetime commitment. Learn what you can from a Christian perspective- avoid secular influences of any kind, they have a self-fullfilling nature. My mom gave me a book called “Three To Get Married” by Bishop Fulton Sheen, it was a great book to prepare me for marriage as it distinguishes the difference between Eros and Agape love.
Christopher West’s books regarding JPII’s Theology Of The Body are great too.
I’m interested in having some other resources to promote. I really related to CW and TOB… What reference would you promote?
So your advice was no advice, just your ‘may or may not’ opinion?
I checked out the site and it just seems to be peppered with immoral ideas (pro-masturbation, contraception, non-intercourse climaxing etc) that could confuse new couples that are not that familiar with the Church’s teachings. Just thought I would point it out.
I think the most important thing to remember is that this is the ‘marital embrace’, an act of love so intense that the man and woman, by ‘making love’ become one. This isn’t 'having sex." It’s meant for a whole different mindset.
The website claims to follow the Bible, but promotes activties that are not in line with the Catholic teachings. Beware of this site.
I would suggest for the OP looking over works by Christopher West & Jason Evert to start. They both cover Catholic sexuality and its purpose in Marriage. If you are able to get some starting guides on the Theology of the Body I would highly recommend it:thumbsup:
Just an FYI: marriagebed website is not particularly inline with Catholic theology, it does not believe in the need for BOTH the unitive & procreative aspects to come together in a sacred & holy act (which is a whole lot more fun;) ) So, I would take the site with a grain of salt (it is very pro-masturbation & contraception both which are not morally acceptable) especially because great Catholic sex is more than just doing a certain list of behaviors. It’s the coming together of 2 fleshes as 1 and there has to be some deeper connection there besides just certain motions. It’s an entire way of life and way of being within the marriage, it can be mindblowing…even if it doesn’t always come naturally at first. It may take some practice but with communication and really giving yourself fully to your spouse & God each time it can be a renowal of your wedding vows.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding May your marriage grow healthy & strong in the Lord :signofcross: