Catholic dating


#1

My fiancé and I broke up about 2 months ago and I've decided to start looking again. I joined catholic match and I've been talking to a man for a week or so. I like him and I find myself very attracted. Since I came into the Church 3 years ago, Ive never dated with a Catholic viewpoint in mind. I was always very flirtatious and I played games (hard to get, don't contact him until he contacts you first, etc.).

My question is do you think of those"games"? Do men like the chase and should women play hard to get? It probably sounds stupid but I don't want to be too eager to talk to him or show interest if men prefer women to play coy.

I would appreciate advice about this!


#2

Yes and no. My advice is that you go right ahead and be friendly and even fun/flirty. But make HIM take the initiative. Make HIM put his ego on the line and ask you out. Make him be the initiator.

Men today in general and even in the Church have huge egos and little guts. Women who let them off the hook by initiating relationships do themselves no favors. If he isn't able/willing to risk being rejected, he isn't mature enough for you. Throw him back and let him grow up first. (or simply move on). If men aren't forced to mature, they never do. (sorry guys!)


#3

I definitely agree with that. I won't ask him out, I expect him to do that! Im questioning more if it's bad to be too available. We have only chatted online and he has asked me for my number but he hasn't actually called yet. I'm usually on the computer and he messages me at night. I wonder if I make it too easy by always being online so he is never forced to call me.

I'm more of a homebody but I don't want him to think I have no life because I'm always on the computer.

Does this make sense? Am I just overthinking it?


#4

Personally, I think playing games gets confusing and misleading. But, I don't think allowing a man to pursue you is playing games.

I've found that allowing a guy to indicate his interest and ask me out works out much better than the other way around. Which is not to say you act like you aren't interested, but remain friendly and make it clear that you like him as a person and would like to get to know him more. If he pursues you, you'll know he's interested and there's no agonizing over whether what he does/says means something. Much less stressful that way. Besides, if you act coy and mysterious, he might just get confused and decide it's not worth it, and move on.

Some people are shy, and I get that, but really you're both already on a dating site so you're there for the same reason. My current boyfriend had never asked a girl out before me, and the fact that he found me worth taking such a scary risk for me made me realize how much he really liked me. And you'll know that too, if you let him come to you, while remaining approachable. :)


#5

If a woman is playing hard to get it often gets interpreted as not interested thus the man should spend time elsewhere with someone whom is interested. Guys do know it is a waste of time to pursue someone whom does not show signs of being attracted. Don't play games, just be yourself.


#6

If he's chatting online, but hasn't called yet, consider NOT 'being there' every time he e-mails (or whatever, I've no 'chat room' experience!). Calling is nerve-wracking. Making him do it is good for him. Try limiting on-line responses to every OTHER day for a while. If he wants more, he'll either call or give up and go looking for another woman who will let him be wimpy. Either way, you win! ;)


#7

On the other hand, you don't want to miss out on a great guy who will love you his whole life, but might not be the best at reading social queues. Let him know you're interested and then let him make the call. You don't want to lose a great guy by sending mixed signals.


#8

Relationships should not be built, from the beginning or at any time, on games. Just be honest and yourself--and expect the same from him.


#9

I think playful flirting/teasing is fine early in a relationship, but when she's trying to take things slowly, the combination of the two can make it appear as though she's 'playing hard to get'.

So the way to keep it kosher is to make sure that ultimately, he knows she's interested, so the flirting/teasing isn't misconstrued as a 'head game'.


#10

My only piece of advice is to not develop any real feelings for any guy on CM until you meet in person and have a steady pattern of contact outside of CM. Guys and girls will have multiple contacts and will make each one appear to be the only one and the one they love. In reality, you are just another option or backup plan. Just keep that in mind while contacting anyone on CM.


#11

[quote="collettejohns, post:3, topic:220128"]
I definitely agree with that. I won't ask him out, I expect him to do that! Im questioning more if it's bad to be too available. We have only chatted online and he has asked me for my number but he hasn't actually called yet. I'm usually on the computer and he messages me at night. I wonder if I make it too easy by always being online so he is never forced to call me.

I'm more of a homebody but I don't want him to think I have no life because I'm always on the computer.

Does this make sense? Am I just overthinking it?

[/quote]

Yes, there is such a thing as "too available," and it's not "playing games" to make yourself less available. It's just a fact of human nature that we (especially men) get bored with what is too easily obtained. (And, yes, he will think you have no life if you are online waiting to talk to him every night.)

For now, stop being online where he can see you. Make him wonder where you are. If he really is interested, he will call you. And if he's not--well, move on to the next one.


#12

[quote="mjs1987, post:10, topic:220128"]
My only piece of advice is to not develop any real feelings for any guy on CM until you meet in person and have a steady pattern of contact outside of CM. Guys and girls will have multiple contacts and will make each one appear to be the only one and the one they love. In reality, you are just another option or backup plan. Just keep that in mind while contacting anyone on CM.

[/quote]

I didn't think of it that way. I'm glad you pointed that out.


#13

[quote="EnglishTeacher, post:11, topic:220128"]
Yes, there is such a thing as "too available," and it's not "playing games" to make yourself less available. It's just a fact of human nature that we (especially men) get bored with what is too easily obtained. (And, yes, he will think you have no life if you are online waiting to talk to him every night.)

For now, stop being online where he can see you. Make him wonder where you are. If he really is interested, he will call you. And if he's not--well, move on to the next one.

[/quote]

What you said is kinda what I've been thinking about. I feel like I've made it too easy for him by always being online. I just wasnt sure if purposely not going on to chat with him, even though I want to, was playing games.


#14

[quote="collettejohns, post:13, topic:220128"]
What you said is kinda what I've been thinking about. I feel like I've made it too easy for him by always being online. I just wasnt sure if purposely not going on to chat with him, even though I want to, was playing games.

[/quote]

I understand how you feel. I have the same problem you do. When I have nothing to do at night, I frequently go on the computer for long hours. I normally am studying stuff like history and aviation knowledge. Oddly, Ive never played a computer game before. I do know from experience that women and men both start to think you are desperate and have no life if you are constantly on these dating websites.

What you do? You try to not be on dating sites all the time. Sign up for email notification for messages and go on only if you have a message sent to you. If you find yourself on too much and are hoping for an email from this guy, you have gone too far and need to get off to protect yourself. Your own well being is more important than any guys. Who knows if that guy even likes you?

Also, if a guy really likes you he wont care if you are online all the time. He will like that you are available. Just dont be so available until you know he likes you.


#15

[quote="collettejohns, post:13, topic:220128"]
What you said is kinda what I've been thinking about. I feel like I've made it too easy for him by always being online. I just wasnt sure if purposely not going on to chat with him, even though I want to, was playing games.

[/quote]

I'm an old guy, so you might want to ignore what I say for that reason alone. But I have a bachelor son (who now is engaged) but who went what seemed to me an awfully long time to find "Miss Right", including on those Catholic sites. I used to talk to him about that some, and here's what I think.

First, so many young men now are not into the romanticism that prevailed "back in the day". Nor do they seem to have a lot of patience. Some of that, I suppose, is due to the fact that so many girls and women are so forward the young men figure it's easy to find another girl if one doesn't pan out.

But an aspect of that is that I really do think young men go sort of blase about any girl who seems too "available". But I don't think they like bogus games either. I don't know exactly how those sites work, but I think I might, so maybe this can be done, maybe not. I think they have signals that tell you a particular person came online, and I think you can send short messages to one person while in a conversation with another.

Sooooo, with regard to being online all the time, I would say this. Be online if you want, as much as you want. If this particularl guy comes online, just go on with what you're doing for a bit, then perhaps say "Hi. Nice to see you." then go on to what you were doing before. If the guy follows up with another message, tell him you are winding up a conversation and you'll be there in a minute. Then do. Maybe he'll send another message and maybe he won't, but if he doesn't and you just can't help getting back with him, wait awhile, then explain you were in another conversation with a "friend" but wanted to greet him "with better manners" while he was still there.

Seems to me, then, that the message is "Glad to see you. Your presence is positive with me. Maybe (maybe not) more important than that of others, but tending that way. But the situation is not presently such that I drop my whole life for you right now."

Hope it helps.


#16

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

I feel like this guy is the perfect catch (so far) and I don't want to mess it up by being over-eager. I'm going to back off for a little bit and see what he does.


#17

[quote="manualman, post:2, topic:220128"]
Yes and no. My advice is that you go right ahead and be friendly and even fun/flirty. But make HIM take the initiative. Make HIM put his ego on the line and ask you out. Make him be the initiator.

Men today in general and even in the Church have huge egos and little guts. Women who let them off the hook by initiating relationships do themselves no favors. If he isn't able/willing to risk being rejected, he isn't mature enough for you. Throw him back and let him grow up first. (or simply move on). If men aren't forced to mature, they never do. (sorry guys!)

[/quote]

:thumbsup:I TOTALLY agree with this! You are right on the money! And it's VERY frustrating!


#18

The problem is not men. It is women. I have tried and have been turned down hundreds of times. I cant even remember how many times I have been turned down. If women make it a chore for guys that try, they will be single and they only have themselves to blame.

My cousin works hard. He is a complete gentleman towards women and they reject him, sometimes in cruel ways.

Maybe instead of blaming men, why dont we spread the blame around a bit?

Men are romantic but women want a specific type of romance and man. That type of romance or man does not exist. Every woman says they want their Prince Charming or "the man that God has chosen for them". If that is not putting your expectations for a man on a higher pedestal than it should be I dont know what is. It is one thing to not sell yourself short, it is another to sell yourself too high and to ignore perfectly good guys.

I know one guy that is a finance major from one of the top universities in the world. He is well dressed and extremely intelligent. Women dont go for him.

What women do I see that have boyfriends and husbands? Often times it is less attractive women. I often see more attractive and average girls have no guy. The less attractive girls know their place very often and know they need to be realistic.

I agree that men do many things wrong. However, women are often unforgiving of any flaw that a guy has and are often unwilling to give things a chance.

Women are also cowards. When I dont like a girl or want to end a relationship, I let her know where she stands. I dont wait and mess with her. Women on the other hand dont give men the same courtesy and do all they can to avoid the question. They will do all they can to end a relationship without being honest and saying how they feel. Maybe if women were honest, men would want to be romantic and initiate.

I know of one Catholic girl that asked me how to get a guy to like her without letting him know that she liked him.

To be honest, both sides have a lot of blame. Neither is frankly very good. Both are terrible. Thats why marriage is so unpopular. Yet, both sides think they are perfect and think they deserve perfection.


#19

Yes, women are fallen and sinful too. But don't get bitter about it. You just need to thicken the skin a little and also do a gut check on what kind of women you find interesting. If you are being rejected constantly, perhaps you are choosing to pursue women based on external selection criteria rather than who would REALLY be long term beautiful to you. That's an easy trap to fall into and one I learned of the hard way when I squandered the chance to court an utterly fantastic woman due to an idiotic hangup over her bad skin complexion! (I was young!) By the time I figured out how gorgeous she was, I had been written off.

In my experience women's character flaw in dating revolves around a failure to comprehend the difference between "nice" and compassion. When a guy is expressing interest in her and she has NONE in him, it's best to just make that clear. It doesn't feel "nice" but in the long run it sure is a lot easier on a guy than "oh, I'm busy that night, but perhaps some other time..." WHY would you do that? A good hard punch in the gut would be more compassionate!


#20

[quote="mjs1987, post:18, topic:220128"]

Men are romantic but women want a specific type of romance and man. That type of romance or man does not exist. Every woman says they want their Prince Charming or *"the man that God has chosen for them". *
.

[/quote]

I personally have always found that line of thinking difficult to work with because it also implies the "soul mates" thinking when the Bible in no way, shape, or form, says anything about soul mates. In fact, the idea of "soul mates" is a pagan one at best.

This reminds me, there is a group on facebook called "Disney gave me unrealistic expectations on love.":rolleyes:


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