Here are a few jokes that didn’t seem so bad. I got them from a Catholic kensmen website, but only a few of them seemed all right and not unkind. I hope that I got the ones that are fine. Let me know if you think otherwise and I will take them out if possible.
- Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, “Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone.”
The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.
Jesus looks over and says, “I really hate it when you do that, Mom.”
- The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Chief: Who’s more important than the president?
Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him!
- A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he’s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. “Yes” is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says “Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama,” goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says “Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They’ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!”
- Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes,” said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a silly name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What crazy guy named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same crazy guy who named the Doberman Jesus.”
- Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be…”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”