Certainty.

Working out today at the gym I realized the futility of trying to shape my body to be attractive to women. I’ve been doing it for 7 years and did steroids 3 times, and I’m still ugly.

In fact, nothing I’ve ever done in life has turned out right. I flunked out of college because of my OCD. I had to retake all my classes. When I did I got to graduate school. But again, because of OCD I had to drop out.

I have lived at home for the past 13 years. Everyone I know has a good job, marriage, kids, etc. I’ve never had a job where I made more than 10 dollars an hour. I’ll never own a home. I’ll never own a car. I’ve only been in love twice. Both times they hurt me miserably- including last Tuesday.

And today I was threatened with being fired at work. And I don’t do anything wrong. I’m a good worker. But for some reason I am a target.

Amid all of this I deal with OCD. I deal with anxiety, ruminations, and that turns into deep depression. I wake up with hope, every day, and I go to be feeling worse. I’ve prayed for God’s direction. I’ve prayed to know with certainty of what I’m to do. Because I cannot discern in my mind because it is clouded with endless worry and racing.

If we are to believe the Bible, God spoke audibly to the prophets. Before, during, and after Jesus he spoke clearly to his people. To say that God “doesn’t work that way” regarding prayer is wrong. Wrong because of that and wrong because he is God. He can do anything.

In fact, I find it ridiculous that the God who created the universe and the complex systems of life on earth is bound by the fact that He is a spirit in regards to talking to us.

I am completely and utterly lost. I found a girl I loved. Yes, we had problems, but I needed her and I thought we could get through it. I’m on the verge of losing my job. I am tired of being poor and feeling like a failure. I am tired of not being happy. I can’t tell you the last time I genuinely felt happy. Maybe I’ve never felt happy.

I want answers. I want certainty. I want to feel wanted and loved. I want to feel like I mean something. I want to see the fruits of my labor. I want to be desired by someone. I want a reprieve from myself.

Jesus said if you had the faith the size of a mustard seed you could move mountains. Was he being hyperbolic? Or is he setting a standard no one can reach?

I am cold, I am tired.

When I was a very young kid during Christmas I remember laying down and looking at all the Christmas lights and feeling nothing but love. I walked into the kitchen on Christmas Eve and in the window were three lit candles. And I felt warmth and love. But now, when I am walking by myself in the grocery store, or sitting at work in my office chair, or working out, or going to bed, I just feel alone.

I am really tired of all of this.

So the question is not why God can’t talk to us directly by why won’t he talk to us. I sometimes think that God wants me to just live my life and shut up. That I will be alone, I will be poor, I will be cold and hungry. And that’s the bottom line.

I’m 38…yes, I know its not old. But it isn’t terribly young, either. And I watch my brothers and my former friends (they’ve all abandoned me, save every five years when there is a h.s. reunion) live their great lives with their beautiful spouses and children and financial security.

Why did it happen this way for me? Where did I go wrong? Why did God give me OCD?

I’d like some answers. But I might as well ask for wings.

It sounds as though you’re not giving God control. You keep looking at what others have, and you want what you don’t have. Cherish what God has given you, like the fact that you even exist. Don’t look for love in the wrong places, because it will hurt you. I would recommend going to Mass as often as you can, and “pray without ceasing.”-St. Paul
Now to address your main question. The closer we are to God the clearer His voice is. Don’t waist time questioning why God does some things, because Romans 11 says “Who hath know the mind of the Lord?” So, make time for silence in your daily life. I know it is hard, but God works in the silence, and He speaks in the very depths of our heart.

Your OCD is your cross, don’t question why it is there, but rather carry it and follow Christ. Offer up your sacrifices, and you will fell peace.

Hope this helped!

You’re in my prayers, God Bless!

-Vince

Vincent…

What do I have? When my mom died she told me to take care of dad. I have tried, but I can’t. I have a meaningless little job and we have major, major problems. That is why I want, no, I need, money.

Men and women are meant to be together. And, to paraphrase Salieri in “Amadeus”, if God didn’t want me to be with a woman, why implant the desire? I’ve yearned for love since I was a child.

I have my health, and I am thankful for this, and I’ve prayed for many people in my family.

But every step of the way, in everything I’ve ever done, I’ve put it in God’s hands. And I wind up alone again. So to say that I’m not doing that is wrong. I’ve done things a lot of people won’t do , like take welfare for a time, because I was trusting God.

God doesn’t talk to me. And again, I find it hard to believe that I have to jump through Herculean mental hoops just to hear him. OCD has ruined my life. Could God meet me half way and give me a day off? Be a little more clearer?

One thing you learn when you have OCD is that you have no control over anything. That is what depresses me- not only do I not have control, but I have no idea whatsoever over where I’m going.

I’m lost.

Lord, you promised that the birds of the air are cared for and that God’s children would be all the more (Matt. 6). Please grant Norm640 those temporal and spiritual helps to persist confidently toward the heavenly garden, and to provide for himself and those for whom he cares. Shine divine light into his life, that he might clearly navigate a path of faith, hope, love, and joy always, unto the heavenly garden some day. Touch his wounded heart and heal his every affliction spiritual and physical. Grant him graces to understand profoundly the two commands God has given us to please Him: to love Him, and to love neighbor. Please provide Norm640 companionship, now and forever, in accord with the vocation to which God calls him. Have mercy, Lord, and hear these painfully cried intentions. Our Lady, angels, and saints, pray with us. Amen.

Norm,

The brain is an extremely sensitive organ. Do you take meds for your OCD? It’s takes 1 to 3 months for you to notice a change and sometimes the change is so subtle you don’t see it but others do.

Also, sometimes we make friends with our disorders to the point that when they are disappearing we feel a tad uncomfortable and find that we need to replace our disordered behavior with more normal or healthy behavior. Or we feel uncomfortable that we feel more comfortable with life.

My education is in industrial psychology and psychological counseling. I’ve treated a hundred of these cases working in the prison and social services networks. It’s more common than some would think. What do you think?
Praying for your health and healing

Also Norm, I forgot to mention,

Sometimes something as simple as being low in Iron or phosphorous can cause these OCD symptoms. A lot of people blame themselves for “choosing” to be “mentally ill” and are ashamed of their symptoms when really all you need is a simple CBC blood test to see what mineral you are low in. Have you had a blood test lately to see if you need to beef up on any vitamins?

Still praying for your health and healing:coffee::twocents::bible1:

No no, my OCD is managed as well as it can be. I’ve been on medication for 13 years, and I’ve seen therapists before. I am not having a crisis because of the OCD. My OCD I know I’ll always have. It exacerbates everything, but it still doesn’t solve the key issues I need solved.

If you have OCD you’re always going to doubt, you’re always going to question. You cannot help it. Even with meds and therapy. I just need some love in my life. I need someone who can be with me without leaving me because of my sensitivity. I am heartbroken.

I am the last person qualified to take care of my family…and I try. I just need money- so we can try and move on and take care of the things we need to take care of.

I am tired of being alone. People with OCD are famously alone because so many people shy from them…think they’re weird…and the problem is: when they are shunned and unaccepted that just reinforces their negative views about themselves.

Anyway, this is long winded and I know I’m being a baby. I know there won’t be any certainty. The worst torture on earth is to have OCD. If you are crazy you don’t know you’re crazy. But if you have OCD, you know that you have a problem, you know it is irrational you know it turns you into an exaggerated version of your worst self. But you are almost helpless to stop it.

Not all of us are meant to have a partner in life, God may want something else for you. For example, people that God led into the priesthood. If you end up in the wrong place, you will be unhappy.

Also, you may want to try harder to understand how God talks to some of us. Saints and prophets are a special example as they are very very humble and they usually have some special assignment to carry out. I remember reading that only those that are deeply humble can hear God as humility draws Him closer. “The torrents of grace inundate the humble. The proud remain always in poverty and misery, because My grace turns away from them and goes to humble souls.”

Next, you need to learn to submit to your sufferings in life and learn to offer them with love.

“If God gives you an abundant harvest of trials, it is a sign of great holiness which He desires you to attain. Do you want to become a great saint? Ask God to send you many sufferings. The flame of Divine Love never rises higher than when fed with the wood of the Cross, which the infinite charity of the Savior used to finish His sacrifice. All the pleasures of the world are nothing compared with the sweetness found in the gall and vinegar offered to Jesus Christ. That is, hard and painful things endured for Jesus Christ and with Jesus Christ.
–Saint Ignatius of Loyola”

This is just one of the many quotes from saints who know that suffering is of great important. whitelilyoftrinity.com/saints_quotes_suffering.html

As for dealing with your OCD, this quote seemed to fit perfectly. “The road is narrow. He who wishes to travel it more easily must cast off all things and use the cross as his cane. In other words, he must be truly resolved to suffer willingly for the love of God in all things.”
–St. John of the Cross

Saints are a really great example because they can help us understand how God works in people’s lives. Those closest to God will have to suffer a lot because that means they will have much more of a reward in heaven. So have faith my friend!

OH and you should check out the Devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It’s very easy to do and has amazing benefits:
1.I will give them all the graces necessary in their state of life.
2.I will give peace in their families and will unite families that are divided.
3.I will console them in all their troubles.
4.I will be their refuge during life and above all in death.
5.I will bestow the blessings of Heaven on all their enterprises.
6.Sinners shall find in my Heart the source and infinite ocean of mercy.
7.Tepid souls shall become fervent.
8.Fervent souls shall rise quickly to great perfection.
9.I will bless those places wherein the image of My Heart shall be exposed and honored and will imprint My love on the hearts of those who would wear this image on their person. I will also destroy in them all disordered movements.
10.I will give to priests who are animated by a tender devotion to my Divine Heart the gift of touching the most hardened hearts.
11.Those who promote this devotion shall have their names written in my Heart, never to be effaced.
12.I promise you in the excessive mercy of my Heart that my all-powerful love will grant to all those who communicate on the First Friday in nine consecutive months, the grace of final penitence: they will not die in my disgrace, nor without receiving their Sacraments. My Divine Heart shall be their safe refuge in this last moment.

Yea Norm,

I hate being home alone on a Saturday night after all the negative horrible things of the week are left to haunt you while you try to enjoy SOMETHING in your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this and am so glad you have someone to talk to in a faith filled environment. Being alone and lonely is so painful and scarey. Is your mom in the house with you right now?

Still praying

Oh brother,

Mistake correction: IS YOUR FATHER in the house with you right now?

SkyHigh:

I pray the Rosary, Divine Mercy, Sacred Heart, Saint Jude and Saint Rita, and the Memorae.

SkyHigh:

I am not meant to be a priest. I need the love and affection of a woman. I already have my OCD cross to bear (and being poor, and being overweight, etc). I don’t need another.

I have very similar feelings as yourself Norm640. Just keep trying and keep praying.

The thing is Norm, you’re a new member. You’re trying to get through this evening to get you through to the morning, and you’re trying to do it in a Godly manner. What woman can resist that? Are you going to church tommorrow? Are there any groups you can get involved in that can provide activity with your father? Maybe there are other people your age dealing with caring for their parents. The reason I’m saying this is, sometimes just having friends, which can be tricky with OCD, will releave your pain from loneliness until you find that special someone? If you’re involved with helping others deal with their problems the best “you” comes out and people see that. What do you think? Would you be able to do that or are you in a strong enough state emotionally to reach out to others right now? I know it seems like a bandaid instead of a cure but it may bring laughter and happiness in your life.

I’ll keep checking this post to see if you post again. Let us know how you are doing tommorrow and the next day and the next day.

An additional mistake correction: I see you’ve been a member since February 2012. So you can’t be that new of a member.

Praying…

You are not alone. I know about ten people in your condition- in some respects. Four are severely disabled. One has been bed ridden for four years and can do nothing for himself, nothing. Three have been on total public assistance all their lives. One is severely disfigured from a fire. Four have personality disorders on of one form or another. Two do have decent jobs, nothing fancy but sustaining. One is still trying to " find himself," but his prospects are dim, for though he is very bright and is finishing College, he has a felony record. All have been single all their lives., so have I. Maybe God is doing you a favor, how many happy married people do you know?

Some find comradship and spiritual direction by joining Crusillo. They have weekly meetings, develop friendships and have yearly retreats.

My advice to you would be get going on your spiritual life, prayer, sacraments, lives of the Saints. Volunteer at Church and other places in your spare time. Be a help to people, stop obsessing with your own problems, start thinking about others.

Linus2nd

Linusthe2nd,

The only time you hear from me on this site is when I have my “own problems”. I am not on here often, if you notice my posts. I am in a crisis this week. Why don’t you see me online that much?

Because I am busy helping others with their problems. I am really insulted and hurt when I take a rare moment to worry about myself out loud and get scolded with the usual “your problems are nothing, everyone has them” stuff. The “get a grip” argument. Well frankly, you know nothing about what I’ve done for others or how hurt I’ve been. I am not writing my whole life story, and each person’s cross has its own weight.

I thank you for pointing out how my problems are worthless and that I should use my lazy butt to help others. But most of the time I overlook my problems, and most of the time I’m busy giving money I don’t have to those that need it, to helping my 91 year old grandmother, to volunteering, and to praying, praying, praying.

One thing I am certainly going to cross off my “to do” list from now on: post for prayer. I’m done praying for myself, and I’ll no longer think I have people on here who won’t judge the worthiness of my needs.

Thanks a lot, bro.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

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