Working out today at the gym I realized the futility of trying to shape my body to be attractive to women. I’ve been doing it for 7 years and did steroids 3 times, and I’m still ugly.
In fact, nothing I’ve ever done in life has turned out right. I flunked out of college because of my OCD. I had to retake all my classes. When I did I got to graduate school. But again, because of OCD I had to drop out.
I have lived at home for the past 13 years. Everyone I know has a good job, marriage, kids, etc. I’ve never had a job where I made more than 10 dollars an hour. I’ll never own a home. I’ll never own a car. I’ve only been in love twice. Both times they hurt me miserably- including last Tuesday.
And today I was threatened with being fired at work. And I don’t do anything wrong. I’m a good worker. But for some reason I am a target.
Amid all of this I deal with OCD. I deal with anxiety, ruminations, and that turns into deep depression. I wake up with hope, every day, and I go to be feeling worse. I’ve prayed for God’s direction. I’ve prayed to know with certainty of what I’m to do. Because I cannot discern in my mind because it is clouded with endless worry and racing.
If we are to believe the Bible, God spoke audibly to the prophets. Before, during, and after Jesus he spoke clearly to his people. To say that God “doesn’t work that way” regarding prayer is wrong. Wrong because of that and wrong because he is God. He can do anything.
In fact, I find it ridiculous that the God who created the universe and the complex systems of life on earth is bound by the fact that He is a spirit in regards to talking to us.
I am completely and utterly lost. I found a girl I loved. Yes, we had problems, but I needed her and I thought we could get through it. I’m on the verge of losing my job. I am tired of being poor and feeling like a failure. I am tired of not being happy. I can’t tell you the last time I genuinely felt happy. Maybe I’ve never felt happy.
I want answers. I want certainty. I want to feel wanted and loved. I want to feel like I mean something. I want to see the fruits of my labor. I want to be desired by someone. I want a reprieve from myself.
Jesus said if you had the faith the size of a mustard seed you could move mountains. Was he being hyperbolic? Or is he setting a standard no one can reach?
I am cold, I am tired.
When I was a very young kid during Christmas I remember laying down and looking at all the Christmas lights and feeling nothing but love. I walked into the kitchen on Christmas Eve and in the window were three lit candles. And I felt warmth and love. But now, when I am walking by myself in the grocery store, or sitting at work in my office chair, or working out, or going to bed, I just feel alone.
I am really tired of all of this.
So the question is not why God can’t talk to us directly by why won’t he talk to us. I sometimes think that God wants me to just live my life and shut up. That I will be alone, I will be poor, I will be cold and hungry. And that’s the bottom line.
I’m 38…yes, I know its not old. But it isn’t terribly young, either. And I watch my brothers and my former friends (they’ve all abandoned me, save every five years when there is a h.s. reunion) live their great lives with their beautiful spouses and children and financial security.
Why did it happen this way for me? Where did I go wrong? Why did God give me OCD?
I’d like some answers. But I might as well ask for wings.