Currently filling out my app packet,will be done with it by the end of the month,
stressed out and anxiety shoots through the roof at times,
and i feel like an idiot.
my faith isn't the problem , it is the stress, the anxiety, the not wanting to be swept in because i have had all these experiences in faith but hope that those I am applying with will discern just as long or at least as hard as I am,
this is not fun at all for me, it was easier signing papers to join the army, I thought i was scared going to boot camp, this is literally draining me, and i cant make heads or tails out of it being good or bad.
Please pray for me.
All I know is I have pretty strong faith, I know I have this part through, I have to get an answer, my problem is i can not relax while i am at home.
outside, volunteering, i am fine, at mass and in adoration i am fine, i get home around my family or i am left to myself at night in my room, and i cant relax.
I have to go get sleeping pills right now so i can get some rest.
I don't even know what exactly i am wanting a prayer for, perhaps just that i can relax for maybe a day or two so i can regain my energy.
I am kinda tapped out at the moment.
What is making things hard for me right now, I have pretty much finished my Autobiography, took me roughly a week, i have nothing but time on my hands so plenty of time to put everything into it..... i have had to rehash all the pain i went through, and then put it up against my faith, and i see how strong my faith is, and im like, why me.
it brings me to tears when i start looking at everything and it drives me nuts... i cant calm down.
I am so sick of having to put my thoughts on paper, i can never stop thinking, constantly my brain goes,, when i am left alone and even in public.
ever seen a cat run from something, that is how i feel, the slightest noise makes my brain go into over drive.
Then the agony of having put all of this on paper, now i have to face an interview and a review board... I just hope i don't throw up.
You know how hard it is to join the military ? not this hard, ya get the bare minimum grade required on the ASVAB test, and you are in like flint, they do a minimum background check, ask the most moronic questions, do not put anyone through any kind of psychological testing, do not ask nor want to get to know you. They dont ask why you want to join, they dont care about your life. Just pass a test, sign the paper, hop on the bus and you are gone. A serial killer could literally disapear into the U.S Military, if he doesnt have already a criminal record, and no one would be the wiser.
And i am questioning my sanity now, i have been treated in confession with what felt like i was as if i was becoming a nusiance, and i had only been there twice with in a month so now i have to go back across town to a priest i am comfortable with in the event i fall into sin again, instead of feeling comfortable at the church that is literally two minutes from me. My Vocations Director barely tells me anything, i am having to figure out things on my own so i feel like an idiot for constantly asking him questions, which he is busy so i do not get answers right away if at all.
I am physically alone yet in faith i am not. I have no one and everyone to turn to for help.