Chastity and my girlfriend


ok, so me and my gf have been together for over 2 years and latly after reading the bible and listening to the church’s teaching on chastity. I came to the conclusion that some of the stuff that we’ve been doing together hasn’t been the most chaste. we’re both virgins and wern’t planning on having sex anytime soon. But we have engaged in some “below the waist (on top of clothing)activity”. So I told my gf how i felt about it and eventhough it is gonna be hard, that this is the best descision both morally and in the best interests of our relationship. She told me that she still loves me and that she totally respects my feelings but that it just kinda came out of nowhere and she knows that it is a big deal. She got pretty emotional about it but agrees that we can work it out.

In all honesty though, I’m scared. I don’t want this change to ruin what we have but I know that my ultimate alliegence is to Jesus Christ. I don’t want to break up and neither does my gf but we both understand that our realtionship is going to change. Do you have any advice for us?


God bless you and your girlfriend.
Remember, nothing is accidental. Everything is provedentally gifted by God. The fact that you’ve been called to lead a life of greater chastity shows that God has already given you the graces to do so.

A practical tip to help make that grace more accessible: Every moment you spend with your girlfriend, imagine Our Lord and Our Lady there with you. If it’s physical contact you wouldn’t make in front of them, don’t do it.

Again, God bless you!


It’s great that you are willing to do God’s will in your relationship, even when it is difficult.

The best thing to do is to spend some extra time developing other parts of the relationship. It’s really easy to get caught up in the physical stuff (as you know), and start to neglect the rest. This can make a return to chastity twice as hard, because you have grown used to bonding through physical intimacy.

Spend time out doing stuff together. Go to museums. Go hiking. See movies. Do volunteer work. Fly a kite. All of the above, if you want. Whatever the two of you are interested in. Create shared experiences for yourselves that give you something to talk about together. Experiences that don’t involve the two of you alone in a room together will help to minimize temptation.

Also, if you don’t already, consider going to mass or adoration together from time to time.

I would also suggest thinking of your future spouse. You can start being faithful to her before you even know who she is. Don’t do anything with your girlfriend that you wouldn’t want to have to confess/explain to your future wife.

Oh yeah, and pray—a lot!

It is true that the relationship will change, but that does not have to be a bad thing. :slight_smile:

Stay strong–your new leaf is totally worth the effort.


Every moment you spend with your girlfriend, imagine Our Lord and Our Lady there with you

:thumbsup: Hmm good advice. For me, I would imagine my parents watching me. Specifically, I would say, “am I comfortable doing this in front of my mother?”


How about getting married?


Anytime you are tempted… pray together… that is what DH and I did before our wedding.


“The Good News About Sex & Marriage” by Christopher West


Chastity is so hard. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and we are not virgins. We have flip flopped back and forth between chastity because we keep slipping up. Now, we are about to give it another try. Its even more so rough on me because I have a past of sexual abuse and rape and it took me forever to be able to to experience intimacy and I am terrified of having to start all over again. The problem with sexual intimacy is that it is so much more than just the physical aspect. There are so many emotions attached that stopping after doing anything together does change things. Its very scary. Marriage isn’t an option to my boyfriend right now because I have severe mental health issues and he’s afraid of marrying me and us starting our lives and then losing me. Which I understand.

Good luck! Lets hope we all can stay chaste until marriage. Take care.


I wanted to add to my comments from yesterday:

Chasitity is completely worth it though, despite the struggle. When me and my boyfriend are chaste and trying to stay pure, our relationship gets better. We connect more emotionally and grow together. Maybe because sex creates a lot of stress and really seems to make itself the center of everything. Its important to refrain from it, I’m beginning to realize, because you have to connect with someone on so many dimensions…emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc…and physical intimacy really can blind you and fool you for a long time to think the person you are with is the one. Chasitity is a great thing cause it can help us keep a clear view of the relationship so we know for sure whether this is the person we want to spend our lives with. I have forever to be intimate with my husband someday. It hurts that I have already ruined it by not staying pure, but I can still be chaste and keep God next to my heart to guide me to where I need to be in life. God cannot be close to us if we’re too busy trying to be too close to someone we have no business being that close to anyway. So yeah, I think my last post seemed too pouty, cause it is hard. But it is also worth it. Can’t stress that enough.


I can recommend Christopher West’s Book also. I read it after 7 years of marriage, and I like to pick it up for a refresher course every so often.


Congratulations on a good decision. It will be difficult and there may be times when you fall back into your old ways. If that happens, go to confession as soon as possible. Find a priest who is sympathetic but who also will not blow it off as a small matter. Believe it or not, I have had priests tell me not to worry about it. Fortunately, this is the exception and not the rule. It helps to be challenged.

I have found that having a consistent, daily prayer life is extremely important in the area of chasitity as well as spending time in adoration (at least 1 solid hour every week). Adoration will provide you with clarity in seeing your strengths and weaknessness as well as ways to avoid putting yourself in tempting situations.

Never give in to despair. Remember that God’s mercy is greater than any sin you could commit.

My prayers are with you and your girlfriend.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit