I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 21 and we have been dating for 5 days now. At first i didn’t wanna overwhelm him with my chastity talks and all i said to him was that we will not have sex. Lately things have been getting out of hand and the cuddling has escalated to “almost sex” and it makes me uncomfortable. I tried telling him that we should limit the touching but he seems not to be for the idea. This guy and i have been friends for 3years now and i really like him. A friend of mine suggested i show him a TOB video but somehow im not comfortable with that. At this point i wanna just end things but i wanna give us a try. I always just end all my relationships at the sight of any problem, i want to fight for this one. I see a future for us together but i don’t want that to come between my God and i. We are both Catholic, but he has just returned to the church. How do i introduce him to chastity without being too much in his face?
Stop hanging out alone. Go the park or the movies or a wine bar to hang out, but stay away from home (or wherever this is happening).
Tell him that you enjoy him, but you don’t enjoy constantly feeling tempted.
I hope you are open to some bluntness from an “old” lady. Before that, though, I want to applaud you for your desire to live out your faith by living chastely. This is extremely difficult! Pray frequently for strength and help. When you enter marriage one day in the future you will reap the benefits in more ways than I can communicate to you. You will be giving a unique and fully loving sacramental gift of yourself to your one and true love. What an awesome thing!
Now…for the tough stuff!
5 DAYS! Despite a long friendship, 5 days of a romantic relationship is nowhere near enough to determine that you have a future together. That is determined by how you deal with issues like this one and others over the long term. That means many, many months or even years. Not 5 days.
At first i didn’t wanna overwhelm him with my chastity talks and all i said to him was that we will not have sex.
You don’t need a “chastity talk”. You need to say “no”. Simply. Clearly. In words. IN YOUR ACTIONS. You need to express your own sense of value in everything you do or say. This includes how you dress, how you spend your time together, how you act towards him including how you touch him. Beware of giving conflicting signals! Everything about you must speak of modesty and mutual respect.
Lately things have been getting out of hand and the cuddling has escalated to “almost sex” and it makes me uncomfortable. I tried telling him that we should limit the touching but he seems not to be for the idea.
What does “lately” mean in the context of a 5 days relationship? In that amount of time, if you intend to maintain your chastity, cuddling should be kept to a minimum. A hug here and there, a chaste kiss…sure! But anything more is moving way too fast if you truly want to be chaste. You will have to be strong for both of you. It can only “get out of hand” if you allow it.
Remember that “almost sex” can BE sex according to the Church. Make sure you fully understand the requirements.
CCC 2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.
2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."137 **“The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”**138
To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that lessen or even extenuate moral culpability.
2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.
If he "doesn’t like the idea, he isn’t the one for you. Any man worth anything will respect your sexual boundaries. Period! He will either agree, or if he can’t, he will leave the relationship. This is when you will surely be put to the test! Which is really more important to you? A guy who doesn’t respect your boundaries or God?
How do i introduce him to chastity without being too much in his face?
He knows what chastity is so he needs no instruction.
You don’t discuss chastity, you live it!
Decide BEFORE the date what you will allow.
Once the date begins, LIVE YOUR DECISION.
Avoid intimate interludes.
Focus on dates in public where there is less temptation to be intimate.
Become intimate in a personal way- learn each other’s dreams and goals, learn favorites- colors, TV shows, books, movies, food, sports, etc.
Do not touch him inappropriately.
Do not speak or act in a suggestive manner.
When he touches you inappropriately, you move his hand.
Do not allow the loosening or removal of any clothing.
Do not allow passions to develop to the point where you could make a bad moral choice.
If he persists, you leave.
God bless you! If this man is truly the one you are meant to be with for a lifetime, insisting on chastity will make you more desirable, not less. He will want the gift you will have to share with him at the appropriate time and he will want to be able to give the same gift to you! Do not be afraid! Live in God and ask Him to guide you.
If you are being truthful with your post (first and only post I might add)
I would definitely end things.
Seriously, 5 days and he’s already pressuring you into things you don’t want to do. It will only get worse.
Dump him and move on.
I agree this is someone extremely for a five day relationship. Step back and rethink the situataion. You’ve been given some great advice. Good luck and welcome to the forums.
If you don’t think you can talk to a guy about an issue that’s clearly very important to you, that should raise a warning flag about whether he’s right for you.
Fantastic ! Well said !