I require the opinions and assistance of everyone here. I feel like I am dying and the grief is so much that I have been paralyzed and unable to do daily functions - like even feeding my pet fish.
Summary: Dating a wonderful woman for some time now, she even began looking at “rings” in magazines and playfully sending me the photos of them. She has saved herself for marriage, and left a couple of jobs/friends for me (on her own accord) because she felt they were inappropriate to be doing/staying while she is dating me. (music company job involved flirting) etc.
We have had a wonderful time… until this week… she went on vacation with her mother and her brother to Cuba for a week.
Last text I got from her was something along the lines of “love you!!! See you soon and remember i love you!!!”
Her text upon returning however was … not herself. Now here’s the rest of the story: Part II is the next post below - char. limit
So i dont even know how to start this but it has to be done and was eating at me every single day. My whole trip to Cuba was awful and a mental hell because of certain things i did. it all started with me going off my medication I believe as something in the past happened similarly to this when i decided to go off my meds. Been on them for over 4 years and i should have never stopped as it helped me a lot. Thought i could just get off them as i was really happy with you and thought things would be different, turns out it didnt matter. I think my meds were also treating me for a minor case of bi-polar. i dont know how to say this… so hard as I actually do love you but my actions would imply otherwise. I really didnt mean for this to happen and if i could take it back I would, whole trip was ruined and would wake up wishing I never even went there and was back with you; like everything was back to normal. i ruined everything. I had a lot to drink one night and well there is no easy way to say this, but this guy kissed me and i kissed back. It meant nothing but still; i cheated and I cant believe I did. This has somewhat happened before when i went off my meds before and i dont know why. thats no excuse or anything but its a fact. I threw away everything we had as i know now things cant be the same. I literally caused myself to be physically sick and took a lot of the anxiety pills i had packed in case something happened. I took more than you should and would just sleep to numb everything. the whole trip was ruined after this and i couldnt help but cry and hate myself every single day. suicidal thoughts even crossed my mind; i would never do it but the thoughts somehow made me feel better as I deserved such things.
I truly dont deserve you and am much sicker than i thought. I dont really know who I am anymore and i do actually hate myself. I just ruined our whole future and now nothing will ever be the same. Im so sorry for screwing things up for us and breaking your heart. I messed up your life, i know this; and my own. I really dont know what else to say, im so guilty and ashamed. feel like i can never be forgiven by God for all this. i know this is just going to make your OCD so much worse and break you. Had to tell you though of course. My mom knows as she helped me get through the long week when I pretty much was sick with guilt and dying of shame. Guess this means things are over between us and i screwed up everything. You could never look at me the same and I dont blame you. Not too mention i know you will tell your mom all this so she would hate me and look down on me. Seriously dont know that part of me and it scares me so much. Like i will never find happiness again as you were it and now thats gone. Im really worried for you and how you will take all this. You dont have to write back or anything i would understand completely. Dont expect anything from you anymore, ive gone and thrown it all away. so yeah i dont know what else to say anymore. In case you dont ever want to talk to me again, just want to say you were an amazing boyfriend that treated me like gold. You were the best bf I had ever had and i enjoyed our time together. You deserve so much more even if sometimes you dont think so or find your OCD habits taking control. I only wish you the best NAME and wished I could have been the one to make you forever happy. Im sorry again for all i have put you through.