Cheating and attraction


#1

I'm not sure if this is where this post belongs, so if it's in the wrong spot I'm sorry (and moderators please move it). Also, I know this is a lot of information, so please bare with me.

Here's some background information. My fiance and I have been dating over 5 and a half years. This past January I proposed to her and she said yes. At the beginning of our relationship we used to do "things" (never had any kind of sex, mostly groping and heavily kissing, and we're both saving ourselves for marriage). After about a year or so, we realized the moral implications of our actions and agreed to stop everything but kissing.

Well, we just got back from spending a week at the beach with several friends on Thursday afternoon. Friday evening I went over to her apartment to cook her a special dinner when she said me she has to tell me something.

We sat down and she told me how on Thursday after she called me and told me goodnight, she went over to this guy's house. I knew she and the guy were friends but I only met him in passing. Apparently, she and him did all the things we used to do (they did not have sex). Afterwards, they talked about it and realized it was a mistake. Despite still being attracted to each other, they agreed just to be friends and never do that again.

Although I was heartbroken, in my heart I loved her still. We talked for an hour and I forgave her, but she wanted to go back there that night and talk to him. I allowed it and she said they just talked about us and I believe her (she was only gone for an hour). In their talk, he told her that we (she and I) 'need to resume doing "things" because her built up sexual tension and her attraction to him is prolly what made her do that with him' despite knowing it was wrong. We talked about it and agreed to resume doing "things" but to just let it happen naturally.

After spending the day with my family on Saturday, we went back her apartment to hang out and watch a movie. One thing led to another and things happened naturally (we stopped at the same point as we did several years ago) and we still want to save sex for marriage.

Additionally, she wants to remain friends with him despite all this and wants me to trust her. A small part of me wanted not to, but like I said I love her and believe and trust her when she says that it won't ever happen again. So yesterday I went over to talk to this guy at his house and he seemed really apologetic. I asked him why he did that, knowing she was engaged and he said he didn't know. Apparently, he just broke up with his on-again-off-again girlfriend of 4 years about two weeks ago so that may have been a part of it.

Eventually we started talking about other things (I was there for 3 hours) and I learned why she wants to be friends with him. He's not a bad person; they both just made a big mistake. After our talk, she came over and he cooked us dinner.

The problem I am having with all this is that she told me that she isn't attracted to me physically (she is attracted to him). And that really bothers me (I've expressed this to her and we don't know how to fix this). We want to make this work, but we both somewhat think physical attraction is required in a marriage.

We have a great emotional and spiritual relationship. She makes me feel complete and want to be a better person. I can be myself around her and tell her everything. She says she feels the same, loves me still, and she is completely sincere when she says it.

She is extremely worried that if she is attracted to other men when we were only engaged, how is she going to feel when we're married. I'm the only guy's she's ever dated, and with the exception of this guy, I'm the only guy she's kissed so she's worried that she might just be comfortable with this relationship (settling).

I know should probably just give her some space to work things out (she didn't ask for it, but giving her space in the past has helped us work through problems), but I want to be there for her right now and work with her through this. I'm really hurting and confused right now. I don't know what to say about it anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but more important than that, I just want her to be happy.

What do I do?

-- TS11


#2

People are going to probably hate me for saying this, but I’l say it anyway.

If the roles where reversed, you cheating on her and her posting, people would want to see you hanged. Now, with the roles reveresed, people may tell you to just forgive and move on.

No one here can make the choice for you. I personally think that you should forgive a ONE TIME adultery. Regardless of being married or a long term releationship. I say that for me, as someone who (to his knowledge) has never been cheated on. It’s easy for me to say.


#3

It sounds as if she is not mature enough to commit to marriage.

She is willing to have sex with two different men at the same time (it does not have to be intercourse to be sex, your “other things” are sexual activity that is only for married people to have with each other).

Walk away.

Both of you need to grow up and put God first, even before your raging hormones.

Your use of the term that is not a real word “prolly” is a dead giveaway that you are very young. Take time to grow up, to mature and to understand what marriage is and what it is not.


#4

I agree with Rascalking especially if her friend is supportive of the relationship and your upcoming marriage. However, chastity is not just not having sex. It is about much more. Think right now if we did not marry would I want the woman I am going to marry doing [insert task here] with some other guy right now. If the answer is no - don't do it prior to marriage.


#5

Glad I’m not the only one who has noticed the strange double standard. :slight_smile:

To the OP, get away from that flakey young girl as fast as you can. Do you really want to be tied down to that kind of a person for the rest of your life?


#6

I have forgiven her for her mistake (I even went so far as to meet with the guy and hang out with him); it’s the not being attracted to me physically is one of my biggest concerns right now. After doing “things” on Saturday, she told me that it was more exciting with him. She’s not sure if it was because it was like “forbidden fruit” or because she was attracted to him or because she knows what to expect with me.

I’m just afraid her lack of passion or physical attraction to me is going to hurt our marriage in the future…


#7

[quote="TruthSeeker2011, post:1, topic:194451"]

...]
The problem I am having with all this is that she told me that she isn't attracted to me physically (she is attracted to him).
...]
What do I do?

[/quote]

(emphasis supplied)

Get the engagement ring back.

I'm not a therapist or a marriage counselor, but I am a divorce lawyer, and if any relationship has the scent of failure oozing from every pore, it's this one.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you've gotta get out of here before it's too late. Trust me. Deep down, you know what to do. You've just got to snap out of this funk you're in at the moment (you invited him over for dinner!?).

-- N.


#8

Listen to this guy or girl. As a divorce lawyer, they have a different perspective on what makes a marriage fail. They see it all the time.


#9

[quote="kage_ar, post:3, topic:194451"]
It sounds as if she is not mature enough to commit to marriage.

She is willing to have sex with two different men at the same time (it does not have to be intercourse to be sex, your "other things" are sexual activity that is only for married people to have with each other).

Walk away.

Both of you need to grow up and put God first, even before your raging hormones.

Your use of the term that is not a real word "prolly" is a dead giveaway that you are very young. Take time to grow up, to mature and to understand what marriage is and what it is not.

[/quote]

I appreciate your feedback.

The reason for my use of "things" instead of inserting the activities was two-fold: being a new poster to the forums, I wasn't sure if any younger people would stumble across the thread so I was trying to be discreet; it also allowed me to use one word instead of describing the acts everytime.

I believe we both know what marriage means and we do try to put God first. That's why we are seriously talking about this. Both of us believe in the sanctity of the marriage convenant, so we want to make sure this is want God intends for us (divorce is something we are both opposed to doing).

Your comment about her not being ready to commit to marriage is a valid point and an additionally reason why I came here seeking advice. This point is what I was referring to before in regards to wanting to give her space.

We've already set the date a month ago (Nov. 2011) and booked the church/priest and reception hall.

We both want this relationship to work (which it has been up until this point). We've had some fights but we've communicated and prayed about them and through that we've worked things out.

Thank you all for the continued advice in this matter!

--TS11


#10

Rascalking, thanks for insulting all of us. You presume much.

:wink:

To the OP, if you intend to marry her and go through with it, keep this whole thread printed out because you will need it to show how during the time running up to your marriage neither of you had a clue about faithfulness, self control, and what is expected in marriage.

Engagement is the last stop before the altar. Your last chance to get rid of cheating spouses.

Newsflash: Marriage is not a cure for pent-up sexual tension. Picture yourself on a business trip or a TDY or whatever… and you’re picturing how she has dealt with her “sexual tension” in the past.

Her answer and yours is to commit sin? And now she has someone to compare you with, and she tells you she preferred him and you STILL have questions?

And the dude cooked dinner for you? I’m glad you all get along so great. Something tells me you’re going to see a lot more of him, your fiancee and you.

Your first step is to forgive her for being young, immature and weak. Now go read about “lack of due discretion” in pursuing annulments. Might be what your case is based on after your marriage fails.

All the red lights are flashing here. Big time.

Get the ring back. And thank God you found out about her ways of coping before you walked down the aisle.

You’ve been dating since you were…17? 18? Sounds like you might have grown up some but she hasn’t.

Her friend picker is off too. She’s found someone who doesn’t respect other people’s commitments. A rebounder. It won’t last forever with them… whatever is brewing. Then she’ll come crying back to you. “I didn’t know what I had till I lost it” or some such claptrap.

But if she doesn’t find you physically attractive even before the marriage… well, why is she marrying you? So you can pay her bills and put a roof over her head? This is all wrong and goes in the category of top 5 reasons to end an engagement.

Forgiveness of infidelity is one thing in marriage. But beforehand if you ignore it, it will just come back to haunt you. “Why didn’t I pay attention to what was staring me in the face?”

She’s not a grown-up yet. Let her grow up on someone else’s time and someone else’s dime.

SOrry. I know it hurts. Divorce and hurting children hurts worse. You got off easy. Your lack of physical passion isn’t the problem. Her inability to keep her hands off other men is.

Tell her she’s free to go. Offer to sell him the ring.


#11

Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you forgive her, she will think you’re weak and will have no compunction about doing it again. The fact that she wants to remain friends with the other guy clearly shows that there’s not much remorse on her part or any strong resolve not to do it again. It also shows that she has no regard for your feelings, nor does she respect you. Is this what you want in someone that you will spend the rest of your life with? It’s ultimately your decision, but sometimes loving someone means letting her go.

Just my $0.02.


#12

It’s what I do best! I make a great insult comic! Contact me for bookings! :slight_smile:

Seriously, I wasn’t trying to insult anyone. Just making an observation. If I’m wrong, who cares? It’s just my opinion anyway.


#13

Oh… you think???

Read the last two sentences in the paragraph preceding what I bolded. She found someone else “more exciting” than you. Doesn’t that bother you?

Maybe my husband wouldn’t be named “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine, but in my own mind and heart, what do they know? To me, he IS the sexiest, handsomest, most charming, etc. man that ever lived. Am I being objective? Probably not. I love him. More than anyone or anything else in the world.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I cannot fathom telling him that I find someone else more attractive or exciting than he. You just don’t DO that to someone you claim to love. How can you justify being that hurtful to someone? Just because it’s “the truth”?

Here’s the truth: You need to find a woman who will love you, all of you, to the point that no other man in the world, no matter how attractive or “exciting”, will ever be an option.

Oh, yes, there are women like that out there.

They’re the ones wondering why all the good ones are taken by women who don’t deserve them.


#14

BTW- my dh is friendly with exes of mine now but I never cheated on him with them. They also were nothing but supportive of the relationship. Also November is long enough yuo can probably get most of the deposit back - cheaper than divorce. Probably even sell the ring on here if someone is lookng to get engaged after having an exorcism done on it. Maybe Libero will set up an anullment ring swap will call it a-bay for anullment-bay.


#15

Liberanosamalo is dead right. If my gf did this, I would drop her like a hot potato. If a woman can’t control her actions and isn’t even attracted to you in the early relationship (when things are supposed to be fresh, and new and exciting), then how in the world is she going to act in marriage when the going gets tough and the newness of the relationship is gone?

It’s going to be tough, but you need to let her go.


#16

Thank you all for your advice.

I do think we are being a bit immature in believing that performing sexual acts will help the relationship.

In my mind, all of your are correct in telling me to get out right now and I myself am doubting us.

In my heart though, I can't help but feel God has brought us together himself and intends for us to be together. Everytime I pray about this, I get the same feeling.

How do you explain this? Please.

(I'm sure you're all frustrated with me. I am very sorry.)


#17

[quote="TruthSeeker2011, post:6, topic:194451"]
I have forgiven her for her mistake (I even went so far as to meet with the guy and hang out with him); it's the not being attracted to me physically is one of my biggest concerns right now. After doing "things" on Saturday, she told me that it was more exciting with him. She's not sure if it was because it was like "forbidden fruit" or because she was attracted to him or because she knows what to expect with me.

I'm just afraid her lack of passion or physical attraction to me is going to hurt our marriage in the future...

[/quote]

OK as someone whom's been cheated on and whom has cheated before-way before marriage I was a stupid little girl playing games and these like your "fiance" is doing is one of those games...playing with people's hearts even as sincere as she is about loving you and not loving him, the sexual teasing and games she plays is not to be mean or anything but dirty...believe me...I played them once in a while too...the sense of adventure and forbidden she finds in this guy is just that a game... she's very immature and not someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with...

When my exhusband cheated on me, never proven physically, but I knew it with his actions and not to mention the woman whom I found rubbing on his stomach at the mall where he worked at...ok, anyhow, those are also games...if he wasn't ready all he had to do was tell me, what's the big deal that he was comfortable with me? Marriage is not about being comfortable or "in love" it's about commitment, the passion between two lovers like GOD's passion for us... the dedication, the friendship, the trust the care etc...not just the physical attraction and oh how good he makes me feel when he touches me...yeah all that helps keep the passion alive but there are other ways too...you know?! Physical attraction is not all that important...you find attractiveness in the person you love...my exhusband was an inch taller than me and I have short kids, and he literally looked like a gorilla, but because we were such great friends I found his eyes to be sexy and attractive...my bff was a guy 6ft tall dirty blonde hair sporty build hazel eyes and could lift me up...didn't mean I was going to go to him and "try" some things because I was trying to wait for marriage with my now exhusband...that's just ridiculous...I could have been attracted to my bff he was (is) gorgeous, but he was my bff, nothing more and the man I had a connection with was my gorilla looking now exhusband...and NO I DIDNT LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I FOUND SOMEONE BETTER LOOKING I left him because he turned out to be a manipulative deadbeat dad sob... GOD forgive me having a lot of bad tension and memories coming back...

Anyhow, you forgive and move on that's what's important...give her space right now... tell her you need a break...that you love her but that you need a break...If I would have stuck with myself about asking my then husband a break after the cheating thing maybe he would have seen the importance of his wife and not mistreated me...instead made my life miserable because he wasn't happy just couldn't man up to it and I was too scared to be without him with a child and one on the way...But in either case i ended up being a single mom of 3 LOL!! How ironic...hehe...Anyhow, so ask her for a break and you too need to take some time to think, think about what's important to you...would you have done to her what she did to you? I don't think you would ever no matter how curious you were...that's because you have your heart where it belongs she doesn't...she might be the first girl in your life but she doesn't have to be the last especially before marriage... give yourself some time to grow spiritually that you may understand the reasons for not having sex until marriage...the connection between husband and wife the love making that comes from that passion and connection not just the climax... there's more to love making than the sexual pleasure and you growing spiritually and learning "do onto others what you would want others to do onto you" really means...you know you would never cheat, so don't lower yourself because of the friendship and comfort you have for this girl... don't accept a cheater...a cheater is someone whom with her/his mind cheats as well even kissing...especially if they went as far as she did with you with all the hotness and lust and all... it's not good to tease yourself...hurts you know?!

So think about it...imagine if after you get married she doesn't like the sex goes and tries different things with someone else gets pregnant and tells you it's your baby then confesses to the other one the baby is actually his what will you do? How could you live with that? I am just saying I know wayyy over the subject but still...Think about it...I rather not live in that kind of fear than always wonder if she's real and honest about the sex we have and where did she learn those moves from?? WITW? Exactly... better safe than sorry that's all...

you have plenty of time to choose a life partner a spouse a wife, a friend for life a companion someone you can be happy to grow old with...think about it...k..Take your time...GOD bless and good luck!


#18

Because you’ve clouded your sense of judgement.

God designed the human body to have orgasms. Those orgasms release very strong chemicals that bond us to a person. Those bonds are so strong that they blind us to the flaws in that person (thus, when we are married, we continue to love them when they fart or have zits or get fat or grey or wrinkley).

When you go around having orgasms with someone who is not your spouse, you become blind to things that you should be LOOKING AT :eek:

When you go around and have orgasms with more than one person - as this woman has done - you get even more confused. You are like a big piece of duct tape. First time you attach it to something it sticks and bonds so strong. If you rip it off that first bond and stick it to something else, it becomes less able to bond. Keep pulling it off and sticking it here and there and soon you have something that cannot bond at all.

Clear your blind eyes.


#19

Dude! Don’t worry about that-if where frustrated with an internet post-it shows more on us. And believe me, if anyone DOES feel irritated, they can go check out another post!

Don’t worry about that. Just listen to what we say and make up your mind.


#20

You can’t even figure out what the girl you’re engaged to thinks and feels, but you seem to think you know what GOD wants?

This is what God is telling ME about your relationship:

  1. Your sexual activity early on blinded her to things. You were her first with just about anything so that created an artificial bond with you even though 5 years into it she’s bored and isn’t attracted to you. But she has a bond.

  2. Both of you are violating commandments now, which is clouding your judgment.

  3. Neither of you is treating an upcoming marriage like a holy covenant. Will you sit down to dinner with a guy who cheats with her after the wedding? To try to figure out what is going on in his head?

  4. Your forgiveness of her is good. But that doesn’t mean throw your life away on her.

See? I can read God’s mind too. :wink:

See, you’re basing things on feelings. Just like she is. She FEELS attracted to another man, and so she acts.

And someday when you are divorced she will write something like this on her annulment questionnaire:

“I did not have much of a chance to date before marriage and only really knew my fiance. Even though I wasn’t attracted to him as much as I should have been, I got engaged and set a date. And then I realized I had never given myself a chance to get to know any other men and I realized before the wedding I needed to find out if the grass was greener. And it was. And I hurt him and I feel bad and so I went through with the wedding so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings more. But deep down I didn’t want to.”

Or something like that.

See how it sounds?

Forgive at a distance. God brought you together. But did your behavior for 5 years really honor Him? Maybe YOUR lesson in all of this is how faithful you are willing to be and what you will or won’t accept in a wife.

I know you are hurting. But ask yourself how it would be to be married to someone where you could never trust her male “friends” around her.

A ring on the finger has a way of making people really think about the future. She’s staring at the ring and realizing this commitment is going to be “real” by the end of the year.

She’s panicking.

She’s not ready. When a woman wants to marry and loves her fiance completely, she doesn’t even look at another man, much less kiss him. And she doesn’t need to keep going back and wanting to stay “friends.”

Some friend!


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