Cheating and baby and marriage and anxiety

Before I start explaining my situation. I know that I am dead wrong but I can’t stop myself. :frowning: My husband who is an athiest has shown me charity when I dont deserve it and I should have been abandoned. I was faithful to my husband and then I hit my 30’s and I nosed dived. I started having an affair with someone who has no moral character whatsoever (He had two spouses, cheated on them both, left 2nd spouse and child for current mistress, cheated on mistress with me) :o I have no idea why I involved myself in the situation. My life with my hubby had bumps but prior to my involvement in this toilet of a situation, my life was one where I should have been counting my blessings and giving my thanks. I had cheated on my husband, who then thought maybe an open marriage was advisable. Open marriage ended up being a disaster. I then got laid off and fell to another position at my job. I had relations with the guy I was having an affair with. A week later I got my menstral, I stopped affair (hubby and I agreed to close it), me and hubby had relations and then I got pregnant. So part of my anxiety is whether or not the child I am carrying belongs to my husband or not. But it gets worse. This pregnancy has not felt real to me and I have been engaging in some high risk behavior. I started having an affair with same guy in July and have been sort of having a affair with some guy I met on a website (im’g dirty messages and whatnot :o) I think the affairs that I amhaving have hurt my hubby (who wants to stick it out with me) I am thinking of leaving him by putting him out of his misery because he deserves better. I am almost 6 months pregnant. I dont why I keep doing what I am doing. I know it is wrong. I never thought I would live like this. Part of me thinks I am freaking out about this change in my life and I am acting out. Why did God send this poor soul (my child to me) when I am such a mess:crying: We had been trying for a child when I was living normal and not having trouble with purity. I am scared because part of me thinks I am heading for self destruction and I feel like I am in a observer to a horrible car accident that is about to happen.

Take a deep breath. Pray. Cut off all contact with the other men, immediately. Maybe you guys should move and start over, renew your vows, and just begin with a clean slate. You don’t need to leave him to ‘spare him’, that sounds like you just want to leave so you can engage in whatever behavior you want.

Go to confession, see a priest. You have a serious problem, but there is always hope. Think of the life of your unborn child… what if you contracted an STD? You need to quit the risky behavior immediately before you cause serious harm to yourself and your child. You have two to look out for now.

I pray for you, as someone who has struggled deeply with purity before. It is undeniably hard, but at some point you have to claim responsibility and stop the behavior. Therapy would be warranted, in my opinion, so you can hash out these issues with a professional.

This.

I would add perhaps trying to find a good Catholic counselor to help you realize why you are getting into such self destructive behaviors. You are a child of God. God did not create you for this type of life.

Recently, I heard a sentence that said: “When you are in a hell, go ahead”. You have got no choice but to go ahead. It is not to comfort you but it would be worse. At least you are aware that things are wrong.

I am not going to give you any advice. what would I do in your situation? I dont know. Put a brave face and take comfort in prayer and in the Church and in the Sacraments, which, besides some contrary opinion, are for the sinners and not for those who have no sin.

Your child was created by God, and it is His son. No matter what DNA he has got from. I could not give any advice for only you know what the pros and cons are.

In my country it is said that God writes straight in crooked lines. God loves you and he knows what is happening.

Go ahead. I pray that God may give you the courage and the wisdom to face the storm and that the Holy Mary, Our Mother and Mother of Men may five you the strength to face the choices and problems you may face.

God Bless you.

I thank you for your prayers. As far as leaving my husband, it has nothing to do with continuing to do what I am doing, it’s so he doesnt have to be hurt by my actions any longer. He is choosing tolerate me and it is not fair to him :frowning:

2

Hi Carjack,

It sounds to me like your husband is involved in this behavior as well. You are trying too hard to justify him, but he’s no innocent victim from what I can tell. Both of you need some sort of counseling to figure out why all this is taking place.

If I’m clear on your timeline, I think the baby should be your husband’s. You said you broke it off with the affair one week into your cycle? If so, I doubt the baby could be from the illicit acts. But I may be misunderstanding.

You seem to be living a double life here. In addition to trying a good counselor, I would consider weekly confession with the same good confessor. You need accountability.

Just my thoughts. I hope God brings you peace in your life and your family, and that your baby is healthy and happy.

God Bless,
Joan

Dear Carjack, the best option to not hurt your husband by your actions any longer is to stop those actions, not to leave your husband. Jesus Christ does not want this life for you. Please ask Mary Magdalene for her intercession. She too, lived a life of darkness and with Christs love she became a great Saint! Please see a priest immediately for confession and possibly seek out a healing Mass. I will pray for you. Please take care as best as you can.

You are not an bystander to this car crash, my friend. You are James Dean, behind the wheel of his Porche Spyder and coming in to that last curve on Highway 46, a full participant in this situation. This means that you have the power to influence and mitigate everything that’s happening to you.

The first thing you need to do is share your anxiety with your medical provider, especially about your child’s paternity. Be 1,000% honest about your sexual acitivity around the time you conceived so your provider can give you the correct advice about the need to establish paternity. Your provider also can give you advice about alleviating your overall anxiety, which from your post you sound like you need, and do any testing to STIs that is absolutely critical before you give birth.

Once you’re gotten yourself sorted out physically, you need spiritual and emotional counseling to - amongst other things - get to the root of why you continue to behave in ways that are detrimental to your physical and emotional and marital well-being.

If I were in your shoes I would immediately (no excuses) do the following things:

  1. Talk to a priest you know to be holy and wise
  2. Seek out Catholic counseling for you, and your husband if he’s willing.
  3. Read the story of St. Mary of Egypt and pray for her intercession newadvent.org/cathen/09763a.htm

I have been where you are except I was not pregnant but I did have 4 kids to worry about.

  1. I made a panic call to a good devout Catholic friend. I knew I was way deeper in trouble than he could handle so I asked for him to set up a meeting with his spiritual director. Pray on who to contact. It does not have to be a priest but find someone that is Orthodox and understanding and who you won’t give a heart attack with your story. Hopefully, someone you could meet with weekly.

  2. Confession. Schedule an appointment for about 1 hour with an Orthodox Priest. This was a life saver for me. My priest was kind but direct. He looked me in the eyes with a piercing stare and dragged everything out of me. But he ended the confession letting me know I was on my way to being a saint. He gave me hope and forgiveness. It took two session. The first one I was just not ready to repent. I told him that. I told him that I felt I could not be forgiven because I wasn’t willing to stop. But he said I would eventually and I would be back. I make sure I go to mass at his church once in awhile so he knows my life is still on track with God in the center.

  3. Therapy with a Catholic Therapist or someone that will respect your religion - This was so important. Between my spiritual director and my therapist I learned that sex was more about hurting myself and husband than it was about sex. I picked dangerous situation in the hope of being hurt.

  4. I used the excuse that my children and husband deserved better so I should just leave. It wasn’t about them. It was about me. If I left then I could continue my destructive behavior and not have to worry about anything but what I want. What they deserved was a good wife and good mom. This was not going to happen until I righted things with God and forgave myself. I think I am finally in a place where I forgive myself and my marriage feels okay. Which is a step in the right direction.

You can change. You NEED to change for the baby you are carrying. Feel free to PM me. And do get tested for STDs. I let my doctor know that my behavior was risky and he determined everything that I needed to be tested for. I still need to be tested again in a month for HIV.

First off :hug1:

You need to stop putting yourself down. You are a child of God. :slight_smile:

You and your husband have made mistakes in your marriage. Stop dwelling in the past. Stop trying to punish yourself. Your husband wants to stick this out. If you think affairs are unfair to him, refusing to try to get help is the most unfair.

Talk to a priest. Talk to God.

Babies don’t just happen for no reason. I firmly believe every child comes into this world and God has a plan for every single one of them. This baby is real and this baby depends on you. Like other posters have said, stop the risky behavior. You can definitely commit to 3 months for your baby’s sake. Be totally open and honest with your dr. so you can be tested for anything you need to be. Eat healthy. Take care of yourself. Read parenting books. Take the time away from the temptation chatrooms to start parenting threads about the best crib, names, baby registries, etc. You need to do something positive with your time–I honestly think if you fill your time with preparing to be a mom, you’ll start to feel like you’re being good to this precious life inside of you.

See a therapist.

We all are pulling for you, Carjack. You can do this! :slight_smile:

KG

I thank you for your encouragement and advice. You all have very good ideas. Cviolette, your advice was insightful. As for reading books on parenting, it’s time that I get into that mode and I do need to do positive things with my time. Again, thank you all.

I think you are in a state of confusion in deciding with whom to share your life. Once think clearly, prepare your mindset and take a correct decision.

extramarital affairs

WilliamBlake, I did report your tasteless link to the moderators.

Get tested to see whose baby it is. If it’s not your husbands, the other guy needs to pay child support

Actually when the child is born, it would be very apparent who the father is. My husband has said that he would raise the child as his own, however the other man must have nothing to do with it. I spoke with the other man who had no problem with that because he does not want his girlfriend to know about me and what had transpired.

I have been in a similar (although not exactly the same) situation… I hate to even draw parallels… I did not cheat, but my husband and I were not married. We had been in a serious relationship for quite some time.
I was date raped around the time my daughter was conceived. I was completely paralyzed with fear during the entire pregnancy, and it was difficult to consider it “real” as well… until my daughter kept growing and changing, as did my body, and we both came to terms with the fact that this was our baby no matter what. Your husband is commendable for adopting this attitude, it’s a tough pill for many men to swallow.

We declined an amniocentesis to test for paternity. Luckily, my daughter is the spitting image of her father, red headed to boot! The man who raped me was dark haired, dark skinned, and I am a natural blonde… she was very obviously my husband’s child, thank God… although I was prepared to raise my rapists child.

It was a very scary and harrowing time. I blamed myself for the rape for a long time, and I felt like a bad person…

You are not a bad person, but a person who has made mistakes. :grouphug: God loves you and your unborn child, and you husband obviously has great love for you as well. Be strong for you and your baby, and know that it’s ok to be concerned, but don’t let it consume you.

I just wanted to let you know, that someone understands what it is like to be pregnant and uncertain of the father :frowning: It’s not a fun situation at all, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the doubt. Much love and God bless. I will be praying for you and your family.

God bless you and I am so happy that you and your family are doing well. I thank you for your compassion :slight_smile:

wow! that must have been tough!

OP…I will keep you in my prayers. You need to change for your baby.

carjack, for the longest time it was your husband, strip bars, gal pal watching movies at your house-- etc. how is it you and he have traded places-- with so much activity-- in this time?

and now you’re bringing a baby into this marriage.

you dont know why you had and re-hashed a physical adulterous affiar and a sexting affair.

in order for you to stop sinning, “WHY” isnt required. only a firm ammendment to stop. (aided by true contrition, complete confession and the graces obtained therein.)

in order for you to regain anything like sanity, TWO things will be required, to wit:
stop the behavior and get into counseling to find out WHY.

but i promise you this:
stopping alone is MORE valuable and will help you infinitely more than self-examination alone.

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