Cheating Husband Part II


#1

Still needing prayers…we are taking small steps forward and somedays look promising. But it so hard to believe he is not seeing her anymore. I ask him and he says he’s not…I really want to believe him but I’m scared. Please keep praying


#2

I think I would have a hard time with trust in this kind of situation. One thing that I have been thinking of lately to help the trust issue would be GPS tracking on cell phones. It was designed with kids in mind, but if you have reason to distrust your husband and he really is keeping to his promises, then he shouldn’t have a problem with this technology. He needs to prove to you that you can trust him. Trust is not something that is lightly given once it has been shattered.


#3

I don’t blame you love, for not trusting. With prayer and Gods help you will trust again, but it will take time. It’s very difficult to move on after your insides have been torn out. :frowning:

You will continue to have my prayers :slight_smile:


#4

I’ll pray for you.


#5

I will keep praying…I’m terribly sorry about this. As much as I think it’s a holy thing to keep a marriage together…this is one of the things that I would struggle with. I know myself, and not sure I could ever trust him. I would pray about it, this I know, but I’m human…and I just think I would wonder every time he goes to the store…is he where he says he’s going? But, these are common things, I’m sure, after an affair…and to make it work…it will take time…patience…love and above all…God. With God, all things are possible. But, don’t just sweep your thoughts and feelings under the carpet…he cheated. He needs to take great steps to EARN your trust back as well.


#6

There is this song that I listen to ever day by My life is in your hands - Kirk Franklin.

It goes like this:

You don’t have to worry and don’t you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don’t last always
For there’s a friend named Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken just lift your hands and say

Oh! I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in Your hands

With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in Your hands

So when your test and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loves ones
are nowhere to be found
Remember there’s a friend name Jesus
who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken just lift your hands
and say

Oh! I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in Your hands

No matter what happens in our lives. We have to have faith, hope and belief that things will get better with time. And put all our fears in Gods hands because with him we can achieve so much.


#7

Its going to be a long long time before you will trust him again and even then it won’t ever be the “blind trust” you had before all this happened.

I know, its been close to 5 years now for me and while things are better I still wonder sometimes where his head is at. Last Sept. I thought everything was great, we were communicating, having fun together etc. I remember thinking back about how miserable we had been and just amazed at how much better we were. Then in Oct. I found out that he contacted “her” again! Not to get together with her (she lives across country and he’ll never get on a plane anywhere alone again) but to “make sure she was ok”. Honestly, how difficult is it to understand NO CONTACT! ? :confused: :mad:

I’m not telling you this to upset you, although it might. You husband is “addicted” (I’m not implying no fault here or making excuses for his actions but its the best word to describe the situation) to the other woman and the best way to quit is “cold turkey”. Harder to do when the affair has been local, as in your case. You just can’t trust him now. You willingly gave your trust to him and now he has to earn it by being where he says he will be and doing what he says he will be doing. You have been hurt and will continue to experience ‘once bitten twice shy’ with him for some time.

Are you and him seeing a therapist? A therapist/counselor will help stress the importance of no contact. He says he loves you but at the same time, in his head, you are the meanie wife who is the reason he’s feeling bad and can’t have his girlfriend. He has been living two lives and that really messes up the way a person thinks. He can’t think clearly, morally, unselfishly. He needs help but you are not going to be able to do much because of your own emotions and your position as his wife. Make sure you choose a therapist that is pro-marriage, a christian counselor if you can find one.

For me the first six months were the worst. He became so depressed he contemplated suicide (we put him in the hospital for 10 days). That was so hard but things have gotten steadily better from then on. Not every day was difficult and more and more days actually became “good days”. When I was at your stage I was desparate to find marriages that survived. I think my marriage has or will (since its a work in progress).

I will pray that you keep a clear head and that you don’t get confused as to what is morally right (the one thing I never lost Thanks to God, my pastor and friends) and for your husband. Cling to God, He is your Rock. Even if you can’t ever trust anyone else you can always trust Him. He knows what you need and He knows what you can bear. PM me if you need support from someone who’s been there.


#8

Please keep us in your prayers…the weekend is here and something always seems to happen on the weekends. Sometimes good sometimes bad…thanks to all who have responded, your prayers are greatly appreciated. Blessings.


#9

Still praying, Love.


#10

Well…What am I still doing here? She just had to talk to him and he didn’t stop it. I come up on them as they were talking and he of course says nothing is going on she needed to talk and I felt I needed to hear it. I asked why? Make me understand why this should be ok…beause your not in bed with her…They were alone but the fact that he wanted to talk to her kills me. I told him this would never be ok I didn’t want him to look at her say hi to her talk to her NOTHING!! I WILL LEAVE!!! (almost like if he really thought they could still be friends) I told him that if he wanting all of this to go away and for me to stop hurting he was going to have to fix this mess. I told him that by his actions I can see that he doesn’t want her to go away. He tried conviencing me that what he wanted was me and that he felt that by talking her she would understand that he wanted to be with his family. I told him that the only way she will ever now that is by not having ANYTHING TO DO with her. I asked him to tell me what it was I needed to rebuild and he agreed and said that he would stop contact and show me as much as possible that he was devoted to me. I told him that there is no trust and I wasn’t sure what needed to be done but it wasn’t going to fix anything by talking to her. I need his full attention. He agreed. I have read alot of the information on marriage builders.com and I understand that it will take time for it to completly be over because fo the feelings involved…but how many more times. I do see progress I really don’t think he’s sleeping with her or affectionate with her but I do see they have developed a deep friendship that I pray he gives up to the Lord…Our Marriage will not work with her in the background. I think I have made this clear to him. So do I just sit and wait…I realize it will take time I realize that I need patience and I also realize that its going to be hard but it just seems that it just maybe impossible…Please keep praying for us!


#11

You know, I don’t agree with everything that Dr. Phil says but one thing he always emphasizes when dealing with healing from infidelity is that the person who turned outside the marriage is going to have to be completely transparent for as long as it takes for their partner to feel safe again in the relationship. This means that every aspect of their life must become an open book - and I often think this is because they forfeited the ‘right to be trusted’ and any ‘right to privacy’ by chosing to turn outside the marriage for relief from whatever was happening inside their own heads or between them and their spouse. I agree with Dr. Phil on this one - until you are feeling safe and secure your husband is going to have to allow every part of his life to be open to inspection at any time. And he is going to have to understand that the phrase "no contact’ means ‘no contact even if she calls you crying that you are her only friend and she must talk to you rignt now or she will kill herself’.

This may mean a new cell phone number, a new house phone number and returning all letters marked ‘return to sender’. This may cost some extra money. Tough.

It may mean that your dh is on a ‘leash’ for awhile…tells you where he is going, for how long, answers all questions when he returns, lets you listen to his voice mail, whatever…and he does not have any right to complain because if he had not turned outside the marriage in the first place none of this would be happening.

You may have to do some very deep work to see where and how you might have contributed to the situation. I am not saying you did, I am saying 'MIGHT HAVE". There is always the possibility that you are dealing with someone who is an immature cheater who got mad because you actually had a household to run and was not able to pay enough attention to him…I don’t know…and I am not an expert.

You and your family are in my prayers. I am also going to pray for the woman he cheated on you with because I cannot imagine how badly she must feel about herself to make it ok to sleep with a married man.


#12

I’m having another hard day. Not because I found them again together or anything…my emotions seem to be everywhere today. I feel sick when images pop in my head. I feel angry to think he can’t get over her and I feel hopeless that there isn’t anything more I can do. If there is Lord please tell me! It’s now been close to 2 months and I guess there’s been progress…I just don’t know. Why can’t he just let her go…I’m hurting…I feel like I’m loosing this battle. I just want to cry and scream. Why Why Why…How much more Lord how much more…I’m so ANGRY! Its getting harder to control. Even talking to someone doesn’t seem to help as much as it use to. I just feel BAD today. Like I’m loosing all hope that this will actually work out. There is just so much to take in. How can this actual work…Please continue to pray…I just don’t know what else to do…


#13

hang in there my dear and PM me … will say an emergency novena for you right now…


#14

Where’s my rosary… :wink:


#15

Hi Love31, the feelings you are feeling are normal for the situation you are in. I know, because I have been where you are now (actually, I’m still feeling those emotions even six months after we have separated, 18 months after finding out about my ex’s infidelity). Your husband has broken his trust by speaking to the other woman again, which puts you back to the issue feeling unresolved. Have you seen a counsellor yet? I would suggest you both do that, or this slip-sliding behaviour will probably continue.

I find that praying the rosary really helps calm me down when my emotions over run me in this situation. I would recommend you do the same. It really does help you deal with the pain, when you think about what Mary had to endure in her own life here on Earth. You are not alone. There are many of us who are praying for your situation.


#16

said the novena for you right now…


#17

Mary is holding your hand. Pray with her before Jesus in the Sacrament if you can. Still praying.


#18

The healing process takes a long time it does not happen over night it can take weeks, months or years.

Your husband is a adult and you do not need to treat him like a child by monitoring him. Checking his phone or changing your number etc is just not worth the pain and suffering.

And also you cannot make demands on him because later he will turn around and say that you put him underpressure etc. If he really wants to be in this marriage he knows what he needs to do to make things right. If he is just to weak to let her go then there is nothing that you can do about it.

She does not really want him because if she did she would do everything in her power to get him to leave you. If she has such a hold on him how come he comes home to you and not to her. Who does he go to bed with every night who does he wake up with every morning YOU. She is not important she is trying to cause problems in your marriage and he just cannot see it. If you and your husband split up she would not be interested in him anymore because it would not be fun. You do get women like that who want to breakup peoples marriages and as soon as they cause damage they move on to the next victim.

You are better than her. She can never ever compete with you and you should not compete with her. You are MRS so and so and not her, he lives with you not her, the two of you have a child together not her, the two of you have a history together not her. People forget that the wheel is very round what you do unto others has a nasty way of coming back to bite you.

But there is something that I want you to remember. He is married to you and not to her. If he really wanted to be with this women he would have left you a long time ago. He is committed to you and he does love you. And even though he cannot let go of her he cannot let go of you either. He is confused and needs to grow up. He cannot have his bread buttered on both sides that is not on at all.

And stop worrying yourself whether he is sleeping with her or not. The reason I say this is because you are just hurting yourself. And that is not what you need right now.

On Monday night I went to see this lady her name is Iyanla Vazant she is visiting here in South Africa from America and has written lots of books and also has had a very hard life. She is a powerful women when you here the way she speaks. She has really made an impact on my life.

She talks about P.M.S. (Poor Me Syndrome) how we women feel sorry for ourselves and are so negative. It is as if we feed off our pain and suffering. And that we feel sorry for ourselves and also that we blame people for the things that have happened to us. We control our own feelings nobody can control that except us. We need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and pick ourselves up from the floor and make a difference in our lives. Nobody can do that for you except you.

And also the things we say have such and impact on us. If you say I am feeling depressed today guess what you will be depressed today. If you say I cannot do this then you will not be able to do this.

Nobody can tell you what to do our situations maybe the same but you decide at the end of the day what you need to do. I know that you love your husband very much and that you want this marriage to work. But it is going to take alot of work and you need to decide whether you have the energy and strength to deal with whatever comes your way.

There are going to be good days and very bad days but you need to find a way to get through those days. God will never forsaken you. He will always be there for you but you need to trust in him and have faith in him. At the end of the day you control your feelings and emotions nobody else.


#19

Thank you friends for all your support and prayers. Know that last night I actually felt some peace and I think I even slept. Today is a whole other day but I will face it with the Lord by my side…My husband came home eary last night. We had dinner as a family we took family pictures on our cell phones…laughing…playing…we played video games…put our daughter to bed…then went to bed ourselves. This morning he got up went to work and called me to tell me he wanted his cell phone number changed…THIS WORKS FOR ME!!! One day at a time…Thanks be to God!


#20

wow… he is working at it… :slight_smile:


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