I just recently found out that my husband was having an affair. We have been praying together to reconcile. My feelings are completly shot. I’m depressed, confused, angry and very unsure of myself. My husband has prayed for the Lords forgivness and mine. I believe the affair is over and he really is trying to make things work. We have discussed the affair and have found that we both had issues in our marriage and are now aware of them and are trying to resolve them. We both are suffering from an emotional train wreck. He feels so ashamed, embarassed, and angry at the choices he has made and for being so weak. I can see this. I honestly see his pain. Am I being a fool? I do have to say that since I found out about the affair…everything between us has been better that it has in years. Our communication line has never been better. Its the emotional roller coaster ride I need help with. I love my husband and we want our marriage to survive. We need lots of prayers. If anyone knows of scriptures to read to help us thru this. Please any advice…Blessings
“A worthy wife is the crown of her husband, but a disgraceful one is like rot in his bones.” - Prov 12:4
I don’t think the gender implied here matters. it’s talking about a husband and wife regardless of who is in the wrong. But this verse helped me out when my marage was chalenged with cheating. If you do forgive your husband, please don’t throw it in his face during an argument. Don’t forgive and forget, try to forgive and learn. I need to leave for work, I will come back later if you’d like. Rember God is about creation not distruction. You’ll be in my prayers.
It is normal to be numb. You can’t make your feelings happen. You can only do what you have already done - discern what is wise and right and what God would want you to do - and do it. You have done what is right, and you can be proud of that.
Doing the right thing can be very hard, as you are finding. But when you do God’s will He is with you, and He will uphold you with His right hand.
Meanwhile be patient with yourself. You probably have to go through a grieving process, grieving what you thought you had, of your marriage before, pure and untainted by this sin. The grieving process is like what you go through with a death. Anger, denial, barginning. Etc.
All you can do meanwhile is do the right thing, and lean hard on God. Pray the rosary, go to Mass, go to confession frequently. You will be powerfully strenthened, bit by bit, from the inside out. Then one day the long fog will lift, and there will be a new clear day, and you will be healthy and strong to enjoy it.
Sorry for your current struggles. If your husband is Catholic he should go to confession asap. Reconciliation has to start through the Sacrament in order to restore grace. Peace can be achieved through grace.
Peace be with you,
I feel quite deeply for you Love31.
However, you are so unbelievably fortunate to have a regretful, sorrowful husband who wants to save your marriage.
Mine just took off with the tramp.
I wish you all good things.
Thank you so much for your replies and prayers. I try to stay calm and pray for the Lord to give me the words to speak to my husband. He has had a hard time talking about it. And I have had a hard time listening to it. But what we have found is that talking about it really does help. I do break down sometimes because its so hard to control. And it makes him hurt. But when he breaks down. His pain almost seems to be greater than mine. I pray that he may find comfort from the Lord. We pray for strength… and then can actually find things to laugh about. I worry for our 5 year old daughter who has no clue we are going thru this. I thnk we are doing a great job keeping it from her. I even think that her relationship with her Dad is better. God Bless
Love31… Trust in God. It sure sounds like both of you want to work things out, so offer it up to God…all of it, the pain, the guilt, the unsureness. Ask him to fix it… all I know is his plans are always better than mine. With prayer and forgiveness know that all things are possible with God… I will be praying for you and your family!!!
I don#t buy into the “he feels worse than I do”. My husband always played that one, too. You’re the one who’s been hurt, and you’re a saint for forgiving him. He sounds like a good enough guy to want to reconcile, he apologized (right???), so I think it’s worth a try. I’ll say a prayer for you guys, with God’s grace you can do it. Allow yourself to be hurt, and make sure he understands that, too, not turn it around in to how it hurts **him. **I always felt sorry for my husband, he played the self pity role so well. In the end he told me he lost all respect for me for forgiving him and trying to make it work. I suggest you both talk toyour priest about it, and send him to confession ASAP- if he’s Catholic.
You know I told my husband last night about this. How I sometimes feel that he may be hurting more than me…He pretty much told me to same thing…He said I should be able to cry and feel pain because it was me that was betrayed. And yes he has apologized and we having been praying and talking about everything, everything…our thoughts, fears and feelings. We use to talk but not like this…its strange how things are better than before even though I feel worse than before…but yet at the same time I feel closer than ever to him. This is so hard. I pray for peace and strength.
Has your husband ceased all contact with the person he had the affair with? That is the first step and you can’t compromise on that one at all even if it means quitting a job. There is usually a period of withdrawl as an affair is very much like an addiction and it will take a bit for him to get over her. Once that is done you should stop focusing on the affair, in other words don’t try to make him feel guilty about it. Ignore the past and focus on the present by trying to be loving, this may not have much affect until he is through the withdrawl period but it should be done anyway. Try to find out what he was missing in the marriage that made him unhappy and try to learn to fill those needs. This may sound wrong to some since you are the victim but saving your marriage is not about being fair or evening the score, it is about doing whatever it takes for better or worse. Ideally it works best if both of you are doing these same things (being loving, learning to meet unmet needs, and avoiding behaviors that destroy love including things that merely annoy) which it sounds like might be the case in your situation, but it can work even if only the victim of the affair is trying this. I know because my wife cheated on me and this is exactly what I did with the help and guidance of God ( and www.marriagebuilders.com )and my marriage not only survived but eventually thrived.
It sounds like he has apologized, which is more than I got. Now it is time to forget about the past and focus on rebuilding the relationship. Easier said than done, but it can be done, and once the relationship is rebuilt and the two of you are in love, then the resentment over the affair will usually fade away over time marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html
A Retrouvaille retreat may help. I’ve heard they are an excellent resource and since they’re Catholic, they will probably help you save the marriage better than a secular counselor.
The big thing is both of you giving each other time. You can’t feel things right now, but you will eventually. He needs to still be as sorry and understanding then to help you get through it. Our Sunday Visitor just did an article about infidelity and how r spouse will probably go through a period where he feels so bad he may seek out the other woman feeling he doesn’t deserve you and should just sabotage things. Get help from someone experienced in dealing with stuff like this so you both know what pitfalls to look for in the healing process.
You are not a fool for forgiving him and trying to make it work. You are a good Christian. If he ends up dumping you, your soul is clean and Christ will reward you when you meet. He knows too well the pain of infidelity from those He loves so passionately.
God bless you in this recovery.
That’s rather judgemental. Why sow seeds of doubt when it looks like there is hope? It seems they are communicating better than they have before which would imply that the husband is trying to resolve things! Just because your husband “played that one too” doesn’t mean Love31’s husband is!
This is what I wonder: does he feel all this pain because he has been caught? Or does he really understand what he has done to you in violating his vows to you? I think you need to be sure that he gets it.
Pray a rosary for your matrimony every morning. It REALLY helps…
I prefer to think of it as not being too gullible.
It appears that the cheating husband is always considered the one who is at fault. Perhaps the cheating of a spouse could be a symptom of something else. Perhaps the ‘innocent’ spouse isn’t so innocent, at all.
Never having cheated, I can only speak of personal experiences with others. Over the years, I’ve had many personal conversations with husbands who first complain about their wives who, in their view, nagged them, didn’t respect them, refused marital relations repeatedly, spent money like water, and so forth. Eventually, those constant complaints and dread of going home turn to excitement over having met someone new, who doesn’t do all that mean stuff (at least for now).
I realize that the prevailing attitude wants to only fault the cheating husband, and the ‘innocent wife’ shares no responsibility in driving hubby into the arms of another. But I’ve seen it. I’ve seen friends publically ‘dressed-down’ by their wives for the smallest faults. After years of this sort of psycological torture, it’s no wonder some husbands make the poor decision to cheat. Perhaps the ‘innocent’ spouse, whether male or female, need to look within for the reason their spouse cheats.
My prayers are with you. I would like to suggest a few things:
Get some marriage counseling from a Catholic therapist. There’s been a huge breach of trust here and as your husband knows, the affair wasn’t just about sex. You’ve experienced a kind of death and you will likey go through the various stages of grief before you get to acceptance. It’s good if you two can have a good counselor to talk things out with. You may need some help getting past things like your anger, or obsessive thoughts. When I was in college, my fiance at the time (I didn’t end up marrying her, praise be to God) cheated on me. The most awful image was the one in my head of her in the arms of another man, giving herself to him as she had promised to give herself to me. It is a kind of Hell. Counseling might help get some tools to get past that kind of thing, too.
Reflect on what St. Paul tells us in Ephesians 5. Ask your husband to love you as Christ loved the Church…and you return that love to him.
There’s a video series by Christopher West called “Created and Redeemed.” I highly encourage you to pick that up and watch it as a couple.
Find out if your area has an organization called Teams of our Lady. This is a great way to get connected with other married couples in the faith. Each team consists of five or six couples and they become a kind of extended family.
Above all, pray, pray, pray.
And for all you folkes out there either cheating on your spouse now, or giving it some thought…look at the pain that this affair has caused. Ask yourselves…is it really worth it?
I’m not saying that Love31’s husband would play that game, I actually said in my post that he sounds like a good guy, at least he’s trying to reconcile.
I don’t know what I wanted to tell her- other than vent my own frustration:( - but definitely not to give up hope, maybe be wary and don’t get dragged in by his guilt trips and feeling worse than her. I just don’t believe he could possibly feel worse than her! Guilty, yeah! But not worse or more hurt than her!
That might be why the Church teaches that the blame for adultery rests on BOTH spouses.
It has now been 4 weeks since I have found out about the affair. I have to say that because of the Lord, my husband, my daughter and all of your prayers I was able to (for the first time in 4 weeks) wake up this morning feeling a little more like normal. The constant pain in my stomach is better. My headaches seem to be gone. And my spirit seems to have a smile:) The sun this morning felt extra warm almost as if the Lord was softly brushing my check with his hand. The horrible images are getting blurry and last night we were able to look into each others eyes with comfort and love. THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I realize we still have a long way to go and my heart still hurts but step by step, day by day, with the Lord by our side…We will be healed. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks