Cheating wife: In need of prayers and help

My wife of almost 10 years has had (is still having, I think) an affair with a co-worker. She came to me on New Year’s Eve about 9pm and told me she was unhappy in our marriage. She never said it but in our hour long conversation, she drove it to separation several times. A few days of us not talking I finally told her I wanted to go to marriage counseling and didn’t want to lose her or my family (we have two children - girl 3 and a boy 5). When I told her that she was texting with a girl friend and this is what she wrote.
Now he will go to counseling. I am so ****ing disappointed that he is doing this. I just want to move the **** on. I know that sounds counter-intuitive. He is giving me what I asked him for. I never expected it. And apparently never really wanted it anyhow.

These other people I fall in love with? The people that touch my actual soul? What the **** do I with that? I want that. I will go to counseling so that I can say I did. And I will be honest. And it will be ugly.

After I found these I asked who these “other people are”? She only told me about her co-worker after I guessed it. She said she the both exchanged mutual feelings of love for each other and that the kissed. This apparently happened between Christmas and New Years; all while I was home on vacation taking care of my kids. I called her co-worker the next day and he told me that, “yes that happened and I do love you wife”.
After about three weeks of grieving, and her not saying that she was sorry or that she wanted me or even to want to work it out. I ask her myself and told her to ask me to stat, tell me not to leave, tell me you want me and our family to stay together. To which she replied, “I want a divorce”.
The devastation I’ve been feeling since all this is over whelming. I’m finding myself in some very dark placing in my thoughts. I’m not a violent person and have never hurt my wife or my kids.
I turned away from God (and blamed him) when all this happened and only now am looking to him to help get me through this.
If anyone here can help with prayers or readings, I would truly appreciate it.
Jim

You have my prayers.

Don’t blame God…it’s not His fault. Blame goes to Satan and your soon to be ex wife. God is the one who has something better in mind for you.

It is so wonderful that even though we turn away from Him many times, He is always there to take us back. :blush:

I am so very sorry for you brother. I cannot even imagine how you feel at this point in your life but I will gladly sincerely ask God to allow me to partake in your suffering so that you may find peace in all of this!

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, Have mercy on us and on the whole world.

May God soften her heart. May she allow the Holy Spirit to move within her soul and show her the error of her ways. May God forgive her and all of us for our sins against Him. You will be in my prayers and I will gladly suffer with you in Christ!

Jim I am so very very sorry to read this. It must of been devestating for you when all this happened. If your wife is ‘falling in love with others’ it sounds like she looking for something else outside of marriage. These ‘fantasy relationships’ might be exciting or touch her soul as she puts it, but thats just it they are fantasy and under normal relationship pressures they will soon lose their appeal.

Personally I would not leave the family home, as you have done nothing wrong. I would go to my priest and set up councelling. Maybe with time she will find what is really the issue via councelling. I will pray for you and your family. Good luck and please dont get into a bad place mentally you need to be strong.

Hail Mary,
full of grace,
The Lord is with thee,
Blessed art Thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

I found this prayer for relationship problems, I hope it may help you.

Dearest God,

I ask that You and the angels help me heal my love life. I am willing to release any unforgiveness I may beharbouring toward myself and my partner, and I ask that the angels cleanse me of all anger or resentment now. Please help me see each other through the eyes of love. I ask that all effects of our mistakes be undone in all directions of time. Please work with my partner so that we may have harmony, romance, friendship, respect, honesty and great love for one another. Please renew our love. Thank You. Amen.

I am surprised that a mother of young children would ask as she is. I know a woman who had an affair with a work colleague when her kids were 3 and 5. She ended the affair and confided to me that the stresses of kids and marriage made her want to escape. She realized that the affair was wrong and ended the 5 month affair. Now she keeps her distance from him at work.

Counselling may actually help. If she will go, it may help you guys work things out.

Me personally, if my spouse treated me that way, I’d be very tempted to say “fine!” and move on, but there are kids.

If I were you, I’d consult with a lawyer over potential child custody. If she EVER leaves you and takes the kids, file a kidnapping report with the police RIGHT AWAY. If you don’t, it will go against you when you want custody.

Men get the bad deal when it comes to custody. Protect yourself!!!

Praying for you right now Jim!

You might try the book “Divorce Busters” by Michelle Weiner Davis. One of the things she discusses is doing a ‘180’.

You can do a Google search for “divorce busters 180” to get the 180 list. Seems like this might apply in your situation.

Jim you and your family are in my prayers, may God give you the strength to be the man your children will need you to be.

Saint Jude please pray for Jim and his family.

Sacred Heart of jesus have mercy
Sacred Heart of jesus please hear our prayers

This news breaks my heart, Jim. I’ll pray earnestly for a conversion of your wife’s heart and that she will come to counseling with you.

I also applaud you for keeping a level head in all of this and I encourage you not to lose hope. Don’t look for answers for “why is this happening” but focus on moving forward and making your marriage stronger. Turn entirely to the Lord and constantly ask His help.

I will pray your wife doesn’t leave something lasting for something fleeting. Please find a good counselor and get her to commit to going to a certain number of sessions.

Also, whoever the hell this guy is who says he’s in love with your wife, tell him to back off unless he’s willing to be ‘the other guy’ for the rest of his life, the guy whose stepkids blame for breaking up their mommy and daddy, and have to deal with you shooting daggers at him every time you and him are at a soccer game or dance practice with your kids. Men seriously don’t think about stuff like that when they embark on stupid adventures like this. My parents split when I was 2. My father stayed involved in my life and he and my stepdad fought - sometimes to the point of physical confrontation and police being called - for nearly 20 years. It wasn’t until I got married that both of them were pretty drunk and forgave each other. That was a beyond awesome moment and now both of them will talk to each other at parties for our kids. But I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

This will be a real test of your faith as God will take care of you if you let Him. You have my deepest sympathies for what you are enduring right now. I hope you have some people you can turn to for support and I want you to know that I care and I will pray for you.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

Thank you for all your posts and especially for your prayers. They mean more then I can say.

I’m trying to find my way and am asking God to guide me through this. His will is my only salvation I feel at times. And I need to ask him to take over at times because it just seems to get harder and harder with each passing day.

God bless

I am taking a quick break from “no Lent typing” for this because I think I have some important advice to offer.

I strongly suggest right now reading “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. There are so many copies in print you can probably get it for 50 cents plus postage on half.com. That book is an exact how-to-respond, step-by-step explanation for your exact situation. It takes a whole (easy to read, short) book for that because it is opposite what you think you should do to keep her when you are desperate. But desperation is not your friend, as Dobson explains in this book. When you read the book you will see the sensible logic in it and will be motivated to try his plan. The book is for the spouse who wants to keep a spouse who is straying and disinterested in keeping the marraige bond. Its the best action plan for right now.

Weiner’s “Divorce Busting” must help some, but beware of latching onto false hope. I sense the business end of that approach, a lot of hard-sell, as in: her profiteering self-promotion and seeming-interest in coming off as an amazing guru expert. I do not see her clearly acknowledging the many cases where her approach just won’t work. That’s my view of her after researching. People in desperate situations hoping to save a marraige are a way to get rich, IMO… But do read it if you feel led to; just be aware that not all marriages can be saved, even if you do everything possible to save it. A straying spouse can just want to stray sometimes, and all the prayer in the world can’t fix that if their will is strong in that. Because God rarely, if ever, violates the will. That’s what my pious priest told me.

Still, hope is a good thing. You can come up with your plan to save things from things you read/advice you get with all the alone time you will have while you follow Dobson’s advice. I know that the “Love Must Be Tough” specific advice plan saved a friend’s straying spouse (he wasn’t and is still not such a great spouse, but, they had young kids and it kept the family together; and its the best thing for the kids!). My friend attests to this day it was that books advice that kept them together. I truly think its what you need!

Beware about her going to counseling with wrong intentions. At least make sure she and the counselor are aware of her actual intentions.

I recommend also Gregory Popcak’s online counseling service. Also his book “For Better or Best” is tops for understanding marraige. I think its the best place for counseling, personally. I am sure you will get wise advice there!

Do put all your hope in God!

God bless you.

Oh, and if you get the book, do NOT let your wife see it. Its for the spouse trying to keep the marriage together ONLY. The mystery of your unexpected behavior-response is what pulls her back in. Her reading the book and exposing the mystery restores her the confidence and security so she can keep going her way (away!). So keep it secret and you will see why when you read.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.