14 years ago (around 18 years old) I started masturbating a few times per day. Every time I would do it I would feel anxious for about a day after. However, then suddenly after about a year of this practice I gradually developped severe anxiety along with a horrifying disorder that now sounds very much like some form of Derealization disorder. In this state of derealization I was unable to experience environments fully and unable to experience any emotions. I would find it very difficult to communicate and socialize with others while experiencing a complete absence of emotional response. I had no drive or ambition in this state and familiar places would look alien, bizzare and surreal and like I was looking at the world through a 2d television screen. It felt like I was in hell. During that time I also discovered that this state of derealization would only take place if I stopped masturbating for about a couple of weeks and when I would masturbate again I would temporarily escape this derealization state until I stopped masturbating again. Since that time I kept on masturbating regularly since it was the cause of letting me escape the hell of derealization and that’s how I lived my life for the next 12 years . 2 years ago I was forced into a hospital psychiatric ward by a court order initiated by my parents. I was forced in there for about 1 1/2 months where during that time I did NOT masturbate at all. I entered back into the state of derealization. However, when I was discharged from the hospital and tried masturbating again I was no longer able to escape the state of derealization. It was then that I realized that this condition has now become Chronic and Permanent. I am now living with chronic derealization which has been making me feel very suicidal over the past time (almost 2 years) since hospital discharge and to be really honest I don’t believe there is anything I can do or anyone else can do that will allow me to get better.
My question is has anyone here ever experienced derealization or who can relate to how masturbation can cause such a terrifying condition? I understand that the catholic church condemns masturbation which I think is a very good thing however what about warning people also about the chronic disorders that can result from repeating this action?