Clean but funny religious jokes

#1

ok, I will go first;
There is this little town in the Midwest, and the whole area has been hit hard by drought for years. In this town, was a little Church that served all the farmers, and every Sunday, all the farmers and their families would come to Church and pray for rain. The Pastor would tell the congregation every week that they needed to pray more. One week, one man finally stood up and said, preacher, every week we come here and pray, and you tell us we need to pray more, but nothing changes. The preacher replies, that is because you do not have enough Faith! The man angrily responds, WHAT? what do you mean, we do not have Faith, we are here week after week, praying! The preacher calmly says, yes, but how many people do you see with umbrellas?:smiley:

Joao

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#2

Sorry Poisson, I did not see you Post…:o

Joao

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#3

Same small town, same drought, same preacher. Preacher (carrying his umbrella) walks by the blacksmith shop on his way to church, stops in to ask the blacksmith if he wants to come to the prayer meeting to pray for rain. Blacksmith, a non-believer, says he doesn’t believe that would do any good, so why bother. Preacher says just wait and see, goes on to prayer meeting.

That evening, shortly after the prayer meeting breaks up, comes up a real frog-strangler of a storm. Next day preacher goes to see blacksmith, asks, “What did you think about the results of our prayer meeting?”

Blacksmith: "You mean you really think you had something to do with last night’s rain?

Preacher (thumbs in suspenders): “Yep, sure do.”

Blacksmith picks up hammer, walks over to preacher, shakes it in his face: “Well, then, if you ever let it get that dry again, I’m gonna find you and beat you black and blue with this hammer.”

DaveBj

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#4

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”

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#5

[quote=JoaoMachado]Sorry Poisson, I did not see you Post…:o

Joao
[/quote]

No need for appology I haven’t read every post on this forum either. :wink:

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#6

Here are some more jokes from a clean Christian jokes website.
I hope that I am not over doing it but this is fun.

  1. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. “The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.
    “I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said.
    “But who’s the fourth person?”
    “Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!”
    **
    **2. I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, “And God threw him back down?”

  2. A young boy was talking to God and asked God the question, “What is a million years like”.
    God answers back and tells the boy, "A million years is like a second."
    The boy then asks God, “What is a million dollars like”.
    God replies, “A million dollars is like a penny”.
    So the little boy asks God, “Can I have one of your pennies”, to which God replies, “Just a second”.

  3. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Here are some from friends:

  1. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

  2. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

  3. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

  4. A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: " They couldn’t get a baby-sitter."

  5. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

  6. At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

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#7
  1. A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean…the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it [size=1]is hard [/size][size=1]for me to justify your desire for worldly things. [size=1]Take a little [/size]more time and think of another wish, a wish [size=1]you think [/size][size=1]would honor and glorify me.”[/size]
[/size]

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I am married. My wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing” and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

  1. Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job”.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves!”

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#8

Sunday School teacher asked little Johnny, “Is there anything God can’t do?”

Johnny thought for a minute, then said, “Well, He can’t please everyone.”


Same little Johnny, after observing his first baptism-by-immersion, was seen playing with his puppy by the big mud puddle out by the barn. He picked the puppy up, held him over the water, and said, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and in the hole he goes!”

DaveBj

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#9

Bob was playing golf with his best friend, they come up to the 4th tee which was right next to the road. As they are about to tee up, they notice a funeral procession coming around the corner, Bob puts down his golf club and takes off his hat and stands at attention, hat covering his chest. Bob waits for the hertz to pass and then returns to his game. Bob’s friend is amazed at the respect and reverance, and tells Bob this, Bob replys,it was the least I could do, she was a good wife for 20 years.

Joao

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#10

There were a bunch of priests reciting vespers together: Franciscans, Dominicans, Jesuits, and a parish priest. All of a sudden the lights went out.

The Franciscans burst into a song praising God for the darkness.

The Dominicans began debating about the theology of darkness.

The Jesuits began to argue about whether they were still bound by Church law to recite vespers.

The parish priest went and changed the lightbulb.

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#11

My brother, a pentecostal minister, shared something similar to these with me a while ago… I found a copy on the internet (see link below)

HOW MANY CHURCH PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A) Charismatic: Only one - hands are already in the air anyway.

B) Roman Catholic: None - they use candles.

C) Baptist: Change??!!??!!

D) Pentecostal: Ten - one to change, nine to cast out the spirit of darkness

E) Presbyterian: None - God has predestined when the lights will be on and off

F) Anglican: Ten - one to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they like they old one better

G) Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

H) Methodists: At least 15. One to change the lightbulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.

I) Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for light bulbs. However, if in your own journey, you have found a light bulb that works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, flourescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

J) Amish: What’s a light bulb?

mcauley.acu.edu.au/~yuri/jokes.html

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#12

I heard this one a few months ago. It’s based off of John 8:3 - 8:7.


Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.

Jesus stops them and says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!”

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.

At which point Jesus looks over and says…
“Mother!!!”

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#13

Two nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help.

The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan.

He waved good-bye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

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#14

“Water to Wine”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

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#15

PARISH PRIEST

A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the
twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the
congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and
give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, "the seal of the
confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my
first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five
years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had
stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer.

Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
money from his place of business,had an affair with his boss’s wife,
taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my
people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come
to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and give
his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the
first one to go to him in confession.”

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#16

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.

Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.

Charlie followed the Priest before the next race.

Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life’s savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn’t believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.

He found the man and asked, “What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn’t work, I’ve lost all of my money!”

The Priest said, “That’s the trouble with you, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!” :rotfl:

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#17

A young child asked Fr. Joe what the list of names were in the back of the church. The priest told him these were the people who died in the service. The child asked, “The 8 or the 1030?”

The CCD teachers at church decided to reward the children for learning all their prayers. They fixed a table with goodies for the kids. At one end was a platter of apples. There was a sign over the apples that said, Take only one, God is watching. At the other end of the table was a platter of cookies. One of the kids made a sign for the cookies that read, " Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"

Bishop Sheen always began his talks with humor. I try to do the same.

Deacon Tony SFO

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#18

An oldie, but one of my favorites…

There was a faithful and devout man who lived in the same house that he had been born in. One day a state trooper came to his home and said “There’s going to be a flood. We’re evacuating the area.”

But the man just gave the trooper a peaceful look and said “Go ahead, officier. God will save me.” So the trooper left.

As the waters rose, the man was forced into the upstairs of his home. A rescue boat came by and the rescuers yelled out to the man “We’re here to evacuate you!”

But the man just gave them a peaceful look and said “No–that’s okay! God will save me!” So they left.

The waters rose still higher and the man was forced out onto his roof. A helicopter came by and lowered a ladder, but the man just yelled up to the pilot “I’m fine–go ahead. God will save me!”

The flood waters continued to rise, and the man was drowned.

When he went to heaven he asked God “Why didn’t you save me?”

God said “I tried. First I sent a trooper…”

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closed #19
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